I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

[totalresult]

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

@Branleuse

id take my kids to the theme park without your dp or dsc, and if they dont like it, then thats their problem. Hes not your lord and master

Ouch that is harsh. This is the OP's dp, whom she presumably loves, and his poorly dd, who would no doubt love the theme park if things were different. Where has everyone's compassion gone? I'm not saying change the end result but the handling and sensitivity.

[quote FishyFriday]@MayorGoodwaysChicken it's always really helpful to come on to a thread like this - especially one like this exact one - and just post something about those poor children in awful blended families. That's really useful to the OP. 🙄[/quote]
Yes, heaven forbid any parents have to actually face up to the fact that their relationship choices might negatively affect their children and that perhaps we should all slow down and think about that a bit before ‘blending’ children into step families that do nothing but negatively affect them. As long as mum or dad is happy hey?

My own parents divorced when I was young primary aged and since I’ve grown up and had my own kids (and read Mumsnet) I am eternally grateful and in awe of my mum who refused to consider anything beyond casual live apart dating until after my siblings and I had left home. I wish more parents took her attitude.

How is that relevant to this OP, @MayorGoodwaysChicken?

MayorGoodwaysChicken I'm not sure that's helpful to OP unless you are suggesting they split up..

It sounds like you are really thoughtful OP and trying to juggled everyone's needs. I think perhaps OH is seeing it as a bigger deal than it needs to be though.

I was just commenting on the sheer volume of threads at the moment about issues in ‘blended’ families and how sad I find it for the kids involved. Agree it’s probably not helpful at this point but bloody hell its depressing. I’ll leave it there.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I was just commenting on the sheer volume of threads at the moment about issues in ‘blended’ families and how sad I find it for the kids involved. Agree it’s probably not helpful at this point but bloody hell its depressing. I’ll leave it there.

I agree to a certain extent, it's very sad to read some of the threads on here. However in the case of OP I think she is trying hard to make it work

@Branleuse I don't think your sentiment is harsh I just think you comment was badly put.

The issue here is the OP's partner.

He doesn't seem to realise that children in families do activities and have days out without their siblings due to any of their age, height, disability or simply just preference.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken the issues in 99.999% of the threads are due to one or more adults own insecurities and/or laziness meaning they are not being about to parent effectively.

If you went on the relationships board the issues where children are involved are the same. I know some people post there instead of here without mentioning the children involved are step- or half- siblings because the reception is better.

I am frankly astounded at the lack of compaasion towards both the DP and the attitude to the child.

I also get where OP is coming from.

Until you have walked in that fathers shoes and that childs shoes - like some of us have on this thread, what you think you will do and how you will react and equality go out the window. This is not a SDC being precious about blended life - this is a DC who has gone to hell and back and still going on - who will hear theme park and want to go - like any normal 10 yr old would normally do. However, he is no longer normal and that adjustment often take more time for them to adjust to than it does everyone else.

Everyone wants normality but life is never going to be normal again for this family and all of them finding a new normality takes time and compassion which OP is trying to do but the most affected members are struggling with.

Will people stop saying “but disabled kids can go to theme parks”

OP’s SC has leukaemia which was very easy to deduce from the posts and was confirmed by OP. Try reading the bloody thread!!!!

Immunodeficient kids should not be in busy places full stop, let alone in the aftermath of a pandemic. It could quite literally kill them.

Also most (if not all) rides won’t be suitable for a child with a chest port to go on. Most rides either jolt or even have straps that come down over the chest which could risk his wigglies (the intravenous wires directly going into his chest which are used to administer meds including chemo) could be pulled, displaced or accidentally have the caps pulled off which is a huge risk to infection.

SC will also be on steroids which makes their mood, behaviour and appetite unpredictable which totally affects any outing or activity for the other family members.

It is not simply a case of limited mobility. Kids on chemo cannot go swimming either for example (well not without a £500 dry suit).

OP please don’t let your children have this for the next few years. If I were you I’d change my 2nd week off for another week and explain to your DP that your kids needs some 1-2-1 time with you, especially in the midst of everything. It must be emotionally hard for your kids witnessing their poor stepsibling go through treatment and so much will now have to revolve around him.

You are not unreasonable at all but you will need to handle this sensitively.

DP then said he would take the same time off again as me.

I would ask him to reconsider or feel free to do something lovely with his DC at this time, while you do with your own.

Having such a seriously ill child must be a strain, no need to take it out on you and your DC.

Fair enough if it was his first reaction and on reconsideration he realised how unfair he is being. Otherwise, well, it would be sorry from me

Just a thought though, who would have been looking after his DC for that second week when he had not taken leave to coincide with yours, if he had still been working?

Oh, and while you are thinking about it, nip that thing about his child refusing to go out unless your goes too. Nothing good will come of this.

@FinallyHere My DP's ex doesn't work. DP has his DC 2 weeks of the summer hols each year. He has to be careful with his annual leave as he doesn't get too much.

@bogoffmda

I am frankly astounded at the lack of compaasion towards both the DP and the attitude to the child.

I also get where OP is coming from.

Until you have walked in that fathers shoes and that childs shoes - like some of us have on this thread, what you think you will do and how you will react and equality go out the window. This is not a SDC being precious about blended life - this is a DC who has gone to hell and back and still going on - who will hear theme park and want to go - like any normal 10 yr old would normally do. However, he is no longer normal and that adjustment often take more time for them to adjust to than it does everyone else.

Everyone wants normality but life is never going to be normal again for this family and all of them finding a new normality takes time and compassion which OP is trying to do but the most affected members are struggling with.

Right but OP's kids had no say in taking this on. The partner and his kid were strangers interjected into their lives and with no particular benefit to them.

They're already being gracious about one week of holidays tailored to their mother's boyfriend's child. Expecting them to give up everything else is absurd.

I think your DP isn't being fair to your DC in wanting his DC to not miss out. If all 3 were both of yours I doubt that he would want 2 of them to miss out because of a health condition of the 3rd. Surely there must be something fun he can do with his DC for a day or two whilst you do stuff with your 2.
I think you need to be honest with him about what your plans had been for the second week off with your DC when he was originally working.

I have two Dc and no step children - even with my own when they we younger we had days out one on one of days out with just one and a friend. I think that’s normal family life.

I think your DP is being unreasonable- and I can see they / you have all had a tough time - more reason for all DC to have some time to themselves with their parent .

• or days out with one and a friend

Twice taking holiday at the same time as you, he is trying to force you all together.

Really not a good idea for your DC, especially in view of their good attitude towards the times you are all together.

For this summer I think curtailing activities to what is appropriate for your dsc is right, they are recovering from serious illness. Missing out on a theme park or whatever is not going to do your children any harm! Pick activities suitable for all, there's always next year.

Dp has a disabled dd and I'm really conscious of coming up with inclusive things to do because nobody asks to be disabled or sick!

Given that he didn't even discuss taking the second week off when you'd booked it off to spend time with your kids, you should definitely go ahead and book your theme parks days out and whatever else you'd planned. Just tell him you're doing it. You don't need his permission. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time with your kids anymore than you would dictate how he spends time with his child.

I think you should wait until next year. There is no rush to do these things now, your kids won't suffer if they have to wait a little longer and you can all enjoy this holiday as a family together.

PErveenmistry - read what I wrote before making asinine comments.

Some of the posters on this thread are making this into something about step families and actually it is not. I totally get where OP is coming from and also where her DP is coming from and at no point have I said OP and her DCS should not go.

My point is to the posters who are blaming the DF and the DSC and making this into a step issue. This would be the same in a non blended family - some of us have been there and done this ride - it sucks.

A 10 yr old should be able to understand but this is not a normal 10 yr old anymore - this is a traumatised child who would normally go to a theme park and the bastard cancer is stopping him. He will hate his situation and want his life back which he can not.

Yes OP needs to sit with her DP and talk this through. but the lack of compassion on this thread is quite staggering. There are no easy solutions and the SDC will be upset - 2 yrs ago my Ex took his SDCs on holiday and my two were going to go. DC1 went into hospital as an emergency 10 days before the flight - v sick - was out of hospital when they were due to leave and cleared medically. EX went on holiday with SDCs and their half sib and left my two at home. I am unable to articulate the pain and tears that followed that decision. Sick DC did understand but it made no difference.

I do think OP should go but have some heart for a child whose life through no fault of his own is simply shit right now and he will not be able to see an end to the pain.

That perveenmistry is my point - i support op - not the a holes on this thread writing toxic comments about the DP and the child who both need support

bogoffmda I thought the same which is why I was aiming about the posters to have some compassion about the situation rather than writing someone off saying he wants a woman to freeload his child to which isn't the case. It's It's scared down maybe in denial or struggling with the child's restrictions at present.

[quote totalresult]@PinkPlantCase DP's child is 10. Disability will not be forever but it will be for the foreseeable future.

An example of what mine want to do is go to a theme park, and there is no way DP's DC would be able to do that. [/quote]
No entirely true. At a theme park that for example also has zoo or something then as long as you stay off some rides and your partners stays off some rides and the whole family does the disability friendly activities then it’s possible. It’s about looking for venues that offer a compromise.

Thank you for all of your input. I'm going to have a talk with DP tonight. I took the second week off specifically so that I could have some 1-2-1 time with my DC, as it doesn't happen very often. They have also been impacted by DSC's illness, obviously not to the same extent, but they deserve to spend some time doing something they have chosen. It's a very difficult situation.