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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

196 replies

totalresult · 22/04/2021 12:36

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

OP posts:
romdowa · 22/04/2021 12:40

To me it seems quite unfair to curtail your children's activities because of your step child. While it's awful that they are sick , your children are not and I would fear they would start to resent her if they cannot do things because she cant.

Notaroadrunner · 22/04/2021 12:43

Do you live together? Either way I would still book things for you to do with your kids as opposed to having the full holidays together with dp and his child. Surely his child needs one to one with his dad and same goes for you and your kids - quality time together as opposed to the usual hum drum of school and work. While it will be lovely to share some days with your dp and his child, I would not be denying my own kids the activities that they would like to do.

Queenfreak · 22/04/2021 12:45

I think the week you are all booked to go away, you curtail activities to suit all.
Any other time off the children can spend time with their respective parent.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 12:46

It's absolutely not fair that your children have to miss out? It can be handled sensitively though, is it something you can promise to do with DSC when more physically able to?

FWIW, I had SC and my own DC, and shared DC, and I insist on separate holidays and activities now for my own sanity. You don't have to do everything all together and it doesn't have to be all or nothing either. It's important that your own DC get quality time with you on their own in my opinion.

RestingPandaFace · 22/04/2021 12:47

Could you do that particular thing on a weekend the step-child isn’t there? It is a bit different when they can’t participate due to illness / recovery rather than now wanting to etc.

Original poster
totalresult · 22/04/2021 12:49

We do live together. DP does spend time on his own with his DC, however his child absolutely adores one of mine and therefore won't go out anywhere with DP unless that child is also going.

OP posts:
NutellaEllaElla · 22/04/2021 12:52

What is the activity? It may be that they can go along to watch and support?

steppemum · 22/04/2021 12:54

well, I would say that the week you all have off together, you operate as a family, all together.

But on other days, eg Saturday or Sunday, book some things to do with your DC.
You can do this sensitvely, eg if they want to go swimming, let DP know that you will be taking them swimming on that day, and suggest that he takes his DC out to .... at the same time.

His DC may wnat to be with yours, but if you are up dressed and gone, then they can't can they? At that point DP can suggest something for him and DC to do.

Do any of them spend time with their other parent? Could you arrange it so that when DPs child is with other parent, you take yours out?

PinkPlantCase · 22/04/2021 12:57

How old is your partners DC? And is their illness likely to be long term?

Part of being disabled/having a chronic illness is learning that life carries on for everyone else, and learning that everyone else still does things that you can’t and you have to learn how to be at peace with that.

How much could you adapt the activities that your kids want to do so that the other child could be included to an extent? Even if they can’t participate in the same way.

Looneytune253 · 22/04/2021 13:06

Is this activity to be done when you're all away together? If so I'd maybe agree with your DP to wait but otherwise you can do things when it's not contact time as I'm sure step child will get to do other exciting things she they're with their mum

Original poster
totalresult · 22/04/2021 13:07

@PinkPlantCase DP's child is 10. Disability will not be forever but it will be for the foreseeable future.

An example of what mine want to do is go to a theme park, and there is no way DP's DC would be able to do that.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 22/04/2021 13:09

his child absolutely adores one of mine and therefore won't go out anywhere with DP unless that child is also going.

Aside from anything else I think you need to get a grip on this, otherwise it could start to cause resentment on the part of your DC who might not want to spend quite so much time with SC. Contact time is for SC to see their dad. It's great they have a close connection with your two, but allowing SC to determine everyone's plans because they want to play with a particular child is going to cause issues in the long run.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 22/04/2021 13:11

If one of your was the one with health issues would you let your other child and stepchild do the activity? I think as long as the answer is yes, it’s fine.

Being treated equally doesn’t mean being treated the same.

trilbydoll · 22/04/2021 13:11

Could you do the stuff with your DC at weekends for this year, just to keep the peace while it's all fairly fresh?

I agree your dc shouldn't miss out. If you had 3dc together I'm sure you would both be going to great lengths to make sure one didn't impact on the other two disproportionately.

Original poster
totalresult · 22/04/2021 13:14

My DC have activities most weekends (think football) which is why they were asking to do things in the summer hols.

If it was the other way around I wouldn't have an issue with DP taking his DC out for days trips if mine couldn't due to ill health, but DP does seem to have one. I understand he's very protective, and wants it to be fair for all, but he's not really looking at it from my DC's perspective.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 13:14

This isn’t ok. If one of your two dc is in a wheelchair for the next year would you still take the other one to basketball? I’m sorry for the other child and of course you need to make sure they are doing as much as you can of things they like and can do, but if they were all yours you would do some things for the two healthy ones as well.

Silverfly · 22/04/2021 13:15

Can't your DP book something for him to take his DC to on the same day, that is equally fun but accessible to the sick child? Theatre tickets or something?

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 13:16

@Silverfly

Can't your DP book something for him to take his DC to on the same day, that is equally fun but accessible to the sick child? Theatre tickets or something?
Yes, a great opportunity for one on one time if child won’t usually go out without yours going too.
parietal · 22/04/2021 13:16

if you & your kids go to a theme park, what will DP and his DC do on that day? I think his DC will feel very left out if they are stuck at home while the other kids get something fun (on top of illness).

can you take your kids to the theme park on a day / weekend when the step-child is with their mum & doesn't feel left behind?

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 13:16

[quote totalresult]@PinkPlantCase DP's child is 10. Disability will not be forever but it will be for the foreseeable future.

An example of what mine want to do is go to a theme park, and there is no way DP's DC would be able to do that. [/quote]
In which case I would go.

One of my DC wants to go to a theme park, so I am taking them in half-term. He'll want to go on the 'big' rides all day, SC are younger and would want the tamer rides, so we're going on our own. It shouldn't be an issue. Everybody should be able to do what they want to do.

Maybe while you are doing that DP could think of something lovely to do with his DC instead.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 13:17

@parietal

if you & your kids go to a theme park, what will DP and his DC do on that day? I think his DC will feel very left out if they are stuck at home while the other kids get something fun (on top of illness).

can you take your kids to the theme park on a day / weekend when the step-child is with their mum & doesn't feel left behind?

Why, in this case, is it not her DP's responsibility to entertain his DC?! As far as I see it, her DC could find something else to do with his DC.
Elisheva · 22/04/2021 13:18

For another perspective, I have three dc, not step children, and we don’t do all activities together for the whole summer. For example dc 1 and 2 want to do Go Ape, which dc 3 is too young to do, and dc 1 and 3 love the water park, which dc 2 hates. We will still do these activities. Most of the time we’re all together, but not for everything.

Windinmyhair · 22/04/2021 13:20

Think about how you would manage it if they were all your shared children?

I know we would split up as a family and do things at the current capability level. We indeed do that already - with an age gap that means that the youngest can't do everything that the oldest wants to.

Thistimelastyear · 22/04/2021 13:22

Surely at ten years old you can sit down and explain that you are going to X which is hard for them to participate in at the moment. So as a special treat they are going to do Y with Dad instead and when they are recovered you will all take a trip to X. No big deal, sometimes children get to do different activities for all sorts of reasons.

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 13:25

@Elisheva

For another perspective, I have three dc, not step children, and we don’t do all activities together for the whole summer. For example dc 1 and 2 want to do Go Ape, which dc 3 is too young to do, and dc 1 and 3 love the water park, which dc 2 hates. We will still do these activities. Most of the time we’re all together, but not for everything.
This. This is how families work.

It only seems to be in 'blended' situations that we have to be so mindful that people don't get left out. In my house with my own DC, if one doesn't want to do something they don't, and if they feel left out - suck it up buttercup! Can't say that to a SC though...

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