I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

[totalresult]

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

I often see posts here where a DP is stopping any family activities with shared children unless all his own kids are there too and I feel strongly that life should not stop when DSC aren't there.

But this feels different. I would not take your own kids to places during the planned holiday while DSC is there but can't attend (if I have understood that right). Yes I know it's a pain for your own DC and also agree that they shouldn't miss out but this disability is not permanent so they will have next summer I assume. I also think it's a really good opportunity to teach them about kindness, generosity, pulling together, making sacrifices when necessary. If handled correctly it could have a very positive impact on the whole family.

That's so sad about the sick child. When will he be moving about fully again?

DP's DC is 10 but mentally I'd say around 7 or 8.

It's not so much DP's DC that would have an issue me doing other things with my DC, but DP.

I agree with @Windinmyhair. We have two shared children and we often do separate activities with them at their current capability levels. It's never been an issue, nor should it be. Your DP can find something else fun to do with his DD - I know it's not great if they really want to go to the theme park too, but it sounds as if they'll be able to go in the future.

I just feel in a really tricky position, trying to mindful of my DC, my DP, and his DC. I don't seem to be able to keep them all happy!

I’m taking a wild stab here (only because I’ve been through it) and guess the SC is having cancer treatment for leukaemia or such like. It sounds like he’ll get better but can’t risk being it crowds due to risk of infection and potentially his mobility is limited due to treatment.
It’s lovely to be inclusive but childhood cancer treatment is not a short term plan, ours was 3 full years. You cannot put everyone else’s lives on hold for 3 years because one person can’t join in.

It’s absolutely ok to do activities with some children, 1 child, all children, whatever! But seeing as you’ve described the illness as a long road before recovery, it wouldn’t be fair to curb your own children’s activities to suit.

Obviously you’ll do lovely things with your SC and as a family group but don’t feel guilty for wanting to go for bike rides, swimming or busy places for example.

Your SC will understand at 10 years old that he won’t be able to do everything during treatment, he’ll learn to accept that.

You sound like you’ll handle it very sensitively and compassionately.

Not fair at all for your DC to have to miss out.

When we were kids my DGM took 2 of us to Disney in Florida but my DSis was too little. My DGM became ill and couldn’t take her later as promised, so she left money in her will for us all to go together years later. Trust me my DSis was in no way upset about this. These things happen.

Can you not just arrange a special activity for DSC that they would love (and are able to do) separately? And explain why.

It's tricky because your DP isn't being reasonable. It's lovely that he's so protective of his child, but he really can't deny your children activities.

Your primary role is to advocate for your own DC otherwise they will resent the sc. That is non negotiable and your partner is being completely selfish and unreasonable to guilt you like this!

Thinking about it, my DH and his sister, who were the youngest in their family, were frequently left out of activities. DH remembers being left with Grandma for a week or two while their parents and the older children went on holiday!

@parietal

if you & your kids go to a theme park, what will DP and his DC do on that day? I think his DC will feel very left out if they are stuck at home while the other kids get something fun (on top of illness).

can you take your kids to the theme park on a day / weekend when the step-child is with their mum & doesn't feel left behind?

Surely the child's father can plan something nice to do with his child during that time. And he can focus on how great the thing he's doing with them is.

his child absolutely adores one of mine and therefore won't go out anywhere with DP unless that child is also going

This could cause issues as your child gets older and if they don't want to have to go out everywhere for SC's sake.

I think it's fine for you do do an activity without DP and his child. Family's don't always do everything together and his child is there to spend time with him.

@parietal

if you & your kids go to a theme park, what will DP and his DC do on that day? I think his DC will feel very left out if they are stuck at home while the other kids get something fun (on top of illness).

can you take your kids to the theme park on a day / weekend when the step-child is with their mum & doesn't feel left behind?

DP & DC can do whatever it was DP thought they'd all be doing together.

No you can’t hold your children back. Your stepchild’s circumstances are very sad and I hope they have a speedy and successful recovery. But your DC can’t just be forgotten about.

You have to do right by your DC. You both have separate children which in a way makes this easier, because you are both able to concentrate on nurturing your own children and focusing on their very different needs at this time.

@AlfieMoonhead Thank you - yes you've got it in one! Trying to get our heads around it all plus navigating various lockdowns has been extremely stressful on everyone involved. I try to help as much as I can but don't want to step on any toes.

@totalresult it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Your DP isn’t wrong either, he’s probably so worried about his child missing out that he doesn’t realise that by pushing all the kids together all the time he’s actually going to make your children miss out.
How old are your kids? If they’re anything like you I’m sure they’re kind, nice kids but if they have the next 3 years completely curtailed they’ll end up resenting their stepsibling.

Maybe phrase it that way to your DP? Say you appreciate they all get along so well so you feel it’s important that your DC can still do things so they maintain that lovely friendship. What you are proposing will keep your family dynamics healthy.

Also @totalresult I hope your SC makes a full recovery and is doing well

So his DC would probably like to spend time with just his dad, it sounds like your partner doesn't want you to do something because he would then actually have to do some work.

@Crockof

So his DC would probably like to spend time with just his dad, it sounds like your partner doesn't want you to do something because he would then actually have to do some work.

Agree - this un-necessary tip-toeing around the situation probably belies a complete lack of imagination on the DP’s part.

He is a dad. He can plan something just as fun, on the same day. But oh no, only people with vaginas plan stuff for their kids. So instead the DP is having his own little tantrum.

Well bollox to that. Just organise for your dc to do their thing. It’s not insensitive. It’s just not possible for the poorly dc. Tell your DP to handle this like a grownup.

For theme park have you done some digging about accessibility on their website?

At most places are actually really good and you could borrow a wheelchair if that would make the day out easier, even if DC isn’t normally a wheelchair user. The kids might have a great time pushing it round aswell

The theme park near us also has a kind of virtual queuing system which means the disabled person doesn’t have to stand in a queue which could really help from a covid point of view.

I can see why you might be worried about crowds though.

Why not talk to the child and explain the situation and see if they'd like to go along with you and their dad anyway or do something else with their dad on that day. Usually these places are accessible to some degree.

I prefaced this by saying I'm not a step parent but I am a parent of an mostly very able one and one wheelchair user. I disagree with many of the posters here.

A holiday is about everyone in the family having fun and having a treat. We wouldn't do something during a holiday that would cause upset to another family member. There are many different ways to have fun and sometimes one way is appropriate sometimes another, but I wouldn't find deliberately excluding a family member very acceptable.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever do it. But just not this time. For us If something isnt possible for whatever reason now, but someone has said its important to them, it becomes a priority for the future... a bit like a long running bucket list.

I can see both sides and I don’t think yours should miss out but it kind of breaks my heart to think of your DPs DS not being able to go to a theme park for example while you go with your DC who will understandably be excited and full of stories of it when they come home. I think you need to find a way to do it on weekends when his DS isn’t there; I know you said they have clubs but let them miss out on that for once. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of your DC to save the feelings of someone else.

My youngest went through chemotherapy aged 6-8, it was an incredibly tough time. We also had an 11 year old DS, we did the occasional thing with him that DS1 wouldn't have managed (he was in a wheelchair a fair bit), mainly as it wasn't fair to expect him to miss everything, but also because DS2 took up so much of our time and energy (as you'd expect) it was important DS1 got special time too

Sorry probably doesn't help you much! But what I mean is IMO it's important that siblings/step siblings don't feel pushed out

Is it things they want to do whilst on holiday? Or just during the holidays?

I'm usually the first person to shout about non resident children being left out, but that's because of how my DC have been treated by their dad and step mum.

In the circumstances you describe I honestly can't see a problem. Your dc very a day with you doing something they want. His dc gets a day with him doing something else. If he chooses not to do something fun that's his problem.

Honestly even if your DSC wasn't poorly, I'd still say you should do something with your DC without them. It's good for all DC to get to spend fun, quality time with their parent sometimes and not always have to share them with step siblings.

I think you should go and DP can do something lovely with his DC on the same day if he feels that's what's best but you absolutely must enjoy special time with your children sometimes.

I'm not actually sure I agree with posters about sitting your DSC down and discussing it. I'd try to make as little a deal out of it as possible. Get DP to tell his DC that they are doing something fun that day on their own and you are taking your DC out. I think making a big deal and sitting down and discussing it just makes it seem like it's something they should feel they are missing out on. Make it a good thing! Day out with their Dad doing something together!