I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

[totalresult]

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

@totalresult

Obviously there are lots of things we need to take in to account due to DSC's illness. The original week we all have off we have booked to go somewhere for the week. My DC already know this is going to be a little different than normal due to DSC - they get tired very easily, their moods are up and down, they are not eating solid food so have a feed a few times a day through a wire/portable machine. Yes this will impact my DCs week away, but they both fully understand why and have been nothing but amazing towards my DSC.

This is another reason I wanted to have some time on my own with my DC, so we are able to do things like theme parks without all the other bits that come with it if DSC was to come.

I hope that doesn't make me sound awful. My DC have also had their year turned upside down by the illness and I just wanted to give them some 1-2-1 time with me.

No you're not awful. Your DC absolutely deserve 1 -2- 1 time with you.

I am very very sorry that your DSC is so poorly but I would say the same either way.

Your DSC should have time alone with their Dad too.

If you don't both carve out time to enjoy quality time with your children alone sometimes I fear it could definitely cause resentment as time goes on. I'd have hated to feel like I couldn't ever enjoy anything with my own Mum without other children always having to be thought about or included. And same goes for DSC with her Dad.

@Lassy1945 Unfortunately some illnesses have no signs until they are already pretty poorly which is what happened with my DSC.

What's really outrageous is that this wouldn't even be an issue if your DP hadn't taken it upon himself to book that same week without even speaking to you.

He has caused this as he could have chosen another week to have his child.

I think he's expecting you to care a whole lot more about his child than he clearly cares about yours, since he's not worried about them being able to have any fun during their time off as long as his child is OK.

Surely he can appreciate the impact his child's illness has on your time all together? I am surprised he is not more understanding given that you will all be spending the week prior together and that will likely revolve almost completely around his child's needs.

When I read your OP I thought it sounded a bit mean tbh - you've agreed a holiday altogether and then leave poorly DSC at home when you do fun outings together. But your update where you say you had deliberately booked a second week off to spend with your DC and it's been hijacked totally changes things. I think you need to be clear with your DP that your children need this to recharge and it will help them to be more understanding of when they have to be considerate towards DSC - If DSC is around that second week, fine, but you have some pre-existing plans that can't be cancelled.

Another bloke looking for the woman in his life to compromise and, out of guilt, re-create the ‘nuclear family’. Something that can’t and doesn’t need to be, re-created.

Always blokes doing this! Heaven help that a bloke would show his own initiative with his dc! Why does this seem to stop dead when a man gets into a relationship! It’s like they suddenly can’t function as a parent in their own right.

Sorry. More questions than suggestions.

Tell him to stop trampling on your annual leave with your kids!

Rant over

I'd put it to DP that his child has had a long tough time and badly needs some one=to-one time with him, enjoying his undivided attention and activities at their own speed , comfortably within their present capabilities. Where they aren't constantly being reminded of how much they can't do. Where they aren;t the third wheel behind two fit strong healthy kids.
Also, you need to reconnect with your own kids. They've had a year without your full attention; they have patiently given way to the pressing needs of a sick family member. They, and you, deserve to let the brakes off, have a break from all that angst. You've earned it.

In every family, as the kids leave infancy  and grow up  they  need  to spend  some special time with just one parent.  It's a completely different dynamic and they  treasure it.  Where they are individuals,  special, not just one of the gang..

I have 4 children, one of which has a serious disability that is both life limiting and life long.

His brothers are all able bodied and I wouldn't dream of imposing his limitations on them. He is always as included as is physically possible - so for example the theme park: he would accompany us there, watch them ride the big rides, play the arcade games, eat stand food and ride the gentle rides (peddle boats etc).

There is always a way to include someone with a little planning.

@totalresult

Obviously there are lots of things we need to take in to account due to DSC's illness. The original week we all have off we have booked to go somewhere for the week. My DC already know this is going to be a little different than normal due to DSC - they get tired very easily, their moods are up and down, they are not eating solid food so have a feed a few times a day through a wire/portable machine. Yes this will impact my DCs week away, but they both fully understand why and have been nothing but amazing towards my DSC.

This is another reason I wanted to have some time on my own with my DC, so we are able to do things like theme parks without all the other bits that come with it if DSC was to come.

I hope that doesn't make me sound awful. My DC have also had their year turned upside down by the illness and I just wanted to give them some 1-2-1 time with me.

None of what you're asking is unreasonable. And I agree with PPs saying resentment could result if your DC miss out a lot because of DSC illness. Even adults can develop resentments for missing out. H has missed out because of self imposed choices not to do things I can't. I've spent years telling him it's not healthy or sustainable to be limited by my limits. But he blames and resents me for the choices he's made and to that's a supposedly rational adult. Much healthier to have give and take on both sides. Your DC are limited in what they can do on the family week away. The balance for that is getting to do something they love whether DSC can attend or not.

I imagine it'd been a very difficult time and likely your dh is sick with worry about how treatment will go and how the future will pan out. He likely sees your children healthy being able to lead a happy active live whilst his child is restricted due to treatment. I think a balance needs to be made maybe one day to do an activity with your dc and your dh can have one to one time and then the rest of the week activities catered the rest of the family. I think your dh is worried maybe his dc might feel a burden or possibly struggling with their current limitation due to their ongoing illness.

Everyone please remember this father must be utterly scared, he's child was previously healthy now extremely poorly. I couldn't begin to understand how he must be thinking or feelings. So he's actions might be unreasonable but abit of compassion goes along way guys.

and therefore won't go out anywhere with DP unless that child is also going
A 10 year old doesn’t get to dictate this.

Your DP needs to spend that week doing things with his child together. You spend the week doing the things your DC want to do. It’s not an all or nothing scenario.

@Footloosefancyfree

Everyone please remember this father must be utterly scared, he's child was previously healthy now extremely poorly. I couldn't begin to understand how he must be thinking or feelings. So he's actions might be unreasonable but abit of compassion goes along way guys.

I agree with this.

Yes, he’s acted unfairly booking the same time and not consulting. And no, OP shouldn’t change all her plans for time with her DC, doing what they need, to appease him.

But if I was to read between the lines I’d say he’s a but daunted by the idea of a week solo parenting his DC with their limitations and changed needs.

A discussion can get you where you need. And thinking creatively about that second week of leave, extra weekend activities or even changing that second week to e.g. 3 days off work then saving the other 2 for ad-hoc days earlier/later in the summer.

@Footloosefancyfree

I imagine it'd been a very difficult time and likely your dh is sick with worry about how treatment will go and how the future will pan out. He likely sees your children healthy being able to lead a happy active live whilst his child is restricted due to treatment. I think a balance needs to be made maybe one day to do an activity with your dc and your dh can have one to one time and then the rest of the week activities catered the rest of the family. I think your dh is worried maybe his dc might feel a burden or possibly struggling with their current limitation due to their ongoing illness.

But they are spending the whole first week of leave 100% together??

I think a balance needs to be made maybe one day to do an activity with your dc and your dh can have one to one time and then the rest of the week activities catered the rest of the family.

Umm this is exactly what OP does want to do? She is happy to spend the whole of the first week on holiday with everyone together, she just wants to be able to do a few days out with her own DC the next week.

Her DP is saying she shouldn't do anything with her DC without SC during the whole two weeks. That is unreasonable.

@Footloosefancyfree

Everyone please remember this father must be utterly scared, he's child was previously healthy now extremely poorly. I couldn't begin to understand how he must be thinking or feelings. So he's actions might be unreasonable but abit of compassion goes along way guys.

But OP has been compassionate, she has already told her children that the week they are on holiday will be different because of SC and she is fully expecting that week to be catered around SC. That doesn't mean she can't do anything with her own children the following week.

But if I was to read between the lines I’d say he’s a but daunted by the idea of a week solo parenting his DC with their limitations and changed needs.

OP isn't even suggesting that he does a solo week, I am guessing she will probably still be around for much of the 2nd week but just wants to be able to do a few things with her own DC which SC can't yet take part in.

The point is Bibidy she hasn’t yet had a long in-depth conversation with her DP about it all. So whilst his knee-jerk reaction may have been to say he thought it would be unfair, there’s every chance if he’s usually a decent bloke (and the OP’s not given baby indication he isn’t) that he’ll come around when they’ve had a chance to properly chat through details and scenarios.

He’s getting a hard time slightly without due process, I reckon.

He shouldn’t have booked that week without consulting. But he might genuinely be a bit at sea with it all. That doesn’t mean OP’s kids should miss out on their stuff. But it’s a conversation that’s needed not hard lines in the sand.

If the kids want to go to a theme park could you go to one with a zoo section/characters to see like Drayton Manor or Chessington which would entertain SDC without them having to go on the rides? DP can take them around the zoo whilst you take your kids to the rides.

Either that or forgo their weekend hobby one week and take them by yourself! One week won’t hurt.

I have taken a second week off to do things with just my DC

There's your answer OP. You have taken holiday for a purpose. Your DH has taken the same week without discussion so he's going to accept that you will be off to do things with just your DC. He should find other things to do with his DC in this time. He created the problem, it's up to him to fix it.

id take my kids to the theme park without your dp or dsc, and if they dont like it, then thats their problem. Hes not your lord and master

@LatentPhase

Another bloke looking for the woman in his life to compromise and, out of guilt, re-create the ‘nuclear family’. Something that can’t and doesn’t need to be, re-created.

Always blokes doing this! Heaven help that a bloke would show his own initiative with his dc! Why does this seem to stop dead when a man gets into a relationship! It’s like they suddenly can’t function as a parent in their own right.

Sorry. More questions than suggestions.

Tell him to stop trampling on your annual leave with your kids!

Rant over

Yep.

YANBU!

You already have a second week, which he is hijacking!

He is being ridiculous.

@Queenfreak

I think the week you are all booked to go away, you curtail activities to suit all. Any other time off the children can spend time with their respective parent.

This!!

Find somethings your DSC wants to do any ask DP to do that with them and meet for dinner if possible.

My own two have different interested B/G teen/Child so we have days out that suit one or the other.

@NoSquirrels

The point is Bibidy she hasn’t yet had a long in-depth conversation with her DP about it all. So whilst his knee-jerk reaction may have been to say he thought it would be unfair, there’s every chance if he’s usually a decent bloke (and the OP’s not given baby indication he isn’t) that he’ll come around when they’ve had a chance to properly chat through details and scenarios.

He’s getting a hard time slightly without due process, I reckon.

He shouldn’t have booked that week without consulting. But he might genuinely be a bit at sea with it all. That doesn’t mean OP’s kids should miss out on their stuff. But it’s a conversation that’s needed not hard lines in the sand.

I hope you're right and that he does come around as it sounds like OP is very kind and accommodating towards his child but he's not returning the favour for her children.

Tbh though I would say it's not really OP's responsibility to help him with his parenting either, if he genuinely can't handle having his child for a week without the company of OP and her children then he didn't need to organise to have them for that week after already having them for the previous week.

I really for for your DP and his son. They have clearly had an awful year and I really hope the son can soon get back to the life a 10yo old should be living.

But.. your DP should also take some perspective from his situation. Life is short. Your kids have had a tough year too, albeit a different kind. They should absolutely be able to live the life they deserve. God forbid one of them takes unwell in 6 months and you look back on this time where you could have been finally been having some fun with them, and didn't.

There is always next year for full family outings, as much as next year is guaranteed for any of us.

And aside from all that, I firmly believe that in blended families, children should absolutely still get one on one time with their own parents anyway.

@totalresult fwiw I think you're doing the right thing - a week as a family & a week with your own dc is catering to everyone's needs including yours.
However I do feel a lot of sympathy for your dp & I don't think he's just being selfish for wanting it all to be family time. I don't think he's right, but I can understand a little where his head may be at.
My dd was born with a congenital condition & my exh left right in the middle of treatment & surgery. It's really terrifying having a seriously sick child & even harder if you are no longer with their parent. The isolation, loneliness & sheer worry are overwhelming.
My dd is flying it & is very well but still needs regular check ups & when I was with exdp I found the whole situation very odd.
The person I wanted to lean on was not the father of my child & the father of my child was not the person I wanted to, or could, lean on. Furthermore exdp could never fully grasp what I was going through as he'd never experienced it himself. I felt guilty offloading on him as he'd his own dc to deal with & yet couldn't offload on my exh.
It's honestly a very strange & lonely place to find yourself no matter how great people are being.
I'm not sure what the story is with your dp but if he hasn't had counselling it might be a good idea for him to get some as he needs somewhere for himself in all of this.
I would also like to say that maybe he's also 'scared' of being alone with his dc. This might sound a bit daft but I struggled with that with my dd. Having her brothers and other people around was so much easier - not from the point of view of reducing the physical load, but because a busy house normalised everything a bit & didn't make the illness seem so all encompassing.
I reckon your dp needs help in getting his head around all this & is probably suffering a lot of trauma himself.
Just a few thoughts from a parent who's 'been there'.