I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

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I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

Because he’s taken the second week workout discussion, then you need to discuss that you had plans and he’s made that tricky. Then he needs to come up with the best solution to make things better.

Can you go to a theme park weekend before holiday and meet him there (e.g. theme park on a Sunday when he picks up his child for holiday following week)? Can you take the DC the weekend after while he plans a day out doing something else? Is there a trip he could take both younger DC on (the one you said his DC adored) while you do something challenging with eldest?

There will be a solution that works. He can’t dictate everything as I said, but of course you want to be sensitive to all the undercurrents of emotion.

Honestly, put your foot down on this and don’t be afraid. His decision to book that second week (and then dictate to you what you can and cannot do) is a complete dick move. I’d be furious (not feeling guilty) in your shoes.

You’re being manipulated. Don’t allow it. I won’t join in with the posters calling him controlling, but this certainly smacks of a huge degree of entitlement and complete disregard for you and your children’s needs.

Illness or no illness. His child is NOT your number one priority consistently and nor should it be.

Me and DP agreed to take one week off together with all DC. I have taken a second week off to do things with just my DC. He has now taken the same week off (without discussion) and is also having his DC.

Apologies, I missed this. I thought that you were referring to the theme park outing as being during the agreed 1 week that you were all spending together. If you had planned a second week with just your DC and, presumably, at some point your DP would have had a similar DC/DP only week with his DC, then that is different.

Just say to the kids, "We're going to be having some 1-1 time these days. So, we're going to X, and you're going to Y. It'll be lovely".

If DSC says anything, just say, well, you're not really well enough to do that at the moment, and DD has chosen this as her treat. When you're better we can all go. You'll have a great day with your dad."

Why are so many posters telling the Op to accommodate this man on the WEEK HE HAS INVITED HIMSELF and his child too!!!!

The OP already had a week booked as a whole group. Then had a subsequent week booked just her and her DC. He’s trying to dictate that second holiday! It’s outrageous of him!
It’s like me getting uninvited into the front seat of someone’s car and then telling them where they can and cannot go!

Jesus wept!

My sister went to Disney world whilst I was really sick with a chronic illness. I just learned pretty quickly that people could do things that I couldn’t and life wasn’t fair. I think it’s the best way as otherwise people start resenting you (the sick person) for curtailing their fun when really it’s better to focus on what you CAN do. Your dp should be looking at fun things he can do with his child not curtailing the fun you can have with yours.

Your DP created this problem, it’s up to him to fix it. That could mean going to the theme park and him taking DSC on the smaller rides. If he’s not happy with that compromise he can change his week off.

@Trisolaris

My sister went to Disney world whilst I was really sick with a chronic illness. I just learned pretty quickly that people could do things that I couldn’t and life wasn’t fair. I think it’s the best way as otherwise people start resenting you (the sick person) for curtailing their fun when really it’s better to focus on what you CAN do. Your dp should be looking at fun things he can do with his child not curtailing the fun you can have with yours.

I think that’s awful really. Huge difference in your situation and OPs - Ops kids and stepkid aren’t siblings. They shouldn’t have to curtail activities to suit each other

Honestly, put your foot down on this and don’t be afraid. His decision to book that second week (and then dictate to you what you can and cannot do) is a complete dick move. I’d be furious (not feeling guilty) in your shoes

This ^

Let's put it this way, say you had 3 children and the eldest wanted to do something and the age restriction says only those 12 and over can do it, would it be fair to tell them no, you cannot do this activity until all the children are 12 and therefore all can do it? No, you would let the older child do it.

I actually know 2 parents who have denied one child something because the other is unable to do it/enjoy it. One was a twin who had severe food allergies so didn't want to risk a residential school trip and therefore stopped the other twin going deeming it unfair. All that did after a few years was build resentment between the non-allergy twin and the twin with allergies.

The other was say take one to a football event they would love but because the sibling wouldn't want it they just didn't take the football mad one. I don't agree with that.

Take your children to the theme park. Your SC will be spending time with their parent and neither of them should dictate what you do with your own children.

@GrumpyHoonMain
She was taken as a plus one by a friends parents so I think it’s fair enough really. Any other time a friend who’d have asked us we’d have gone so it wouldn’t have seemed right to change that because I was sick.

@TheCraicDealer

his child absolutely adores one of mine and therefore won't go out anywhere with DP unless that child is also going.

Aside from anything else I think you need to get a grip on this, otherwise it could start to cause resentment on the part of your DC who might not want to spend quite so much time with SC. Contact time is for SC to see their dad. It's great they have a close connection with your two, but allowing SC to determine everyone's plans because they want to play with a particular child is going to cause issues in the long run.

Yes, this is too much pressure on your child.

Do it on a weekend either side of summer hols

Do it with your kids when your oh does special father son day with his son

Surely the stepchildren gets to do things alone with her mother, right?

What is the difference between that and you taking your DC on outings?

Your partner needs to back off and stop dictating how you will parent. He's not in charge of your children's activities nor your parenting decisions.

Just saw your latest update. I would be furious. You have one week all DC that second week was for you and your DC how dare he dictate what you do and don't do. There is no way I would change my plans. Do what you like with them he can plan what he likes for his week with his child.

Of course you can take to theme park!!

These places are brilliantly set up to accommodate disabled children

Think outside the box op.

The places your DC want to go to, contact them and enquire how they accommodate disabled children. They will do.

Obviously there are lots of things we need to take in to account due to DSC's illness. The original week we all have off we have booked to go somewhere for the week. My DC already know this is going to be a little different than normal due to DSC - they get tired very easily, their moods are up and down, they are not eating solid food so have a feed a few times a day through a wire/portable machine. Yes this will impact my DCs week away, but they both fully understand why and have been nothing but amazing towards my DSC.

This is another reason I wanted to have some time on my own with my DC, so we are able to do things like theme parks without all the other bits that come with it if DSC was to come.

I hope that doesn't make me sound awful. My DC have also had their year turned upside down by the illness and I just wanted to give them some 1-2-1 time with me.

@Newstaronhorizon

Your primary role is to advocate for your own DC otherwise they will resent the sc. That is non negotiable and your partner is being completely selfish and unreasonable to guilt you like this!

Exactly.

Your role is not to placate your partner.

He probably just doesn't want to exert himself to entertain his child for the day.

I holiday with my DC and he holidays with his. Since coming to the realisation that it's better for all involved, it seems to work. Your DP needs to understand everyone has different wants and needs. Why do we have to treat all of the DC the same?

Part of the reason for this is DSS demands all my DSs attention and at times it is exhausting for him - I would be mindful because this seems to be happening with your DS and DSS.

OP, YANBU at all. Curtailing activities for the one agreed week you would all be together is a good plan - it is kind to make sure the activities you do as a family can be enjoyed by everyone. But for the second week, which was not agreed, you need to be able to spend some time doing things your DC wants to do, regardless of whether you DP and his DC want to / can do those things. Ideally, of course, DP would have taken a different week to focus on things his DC chooses. Your DP has been really silly to choose the same week.

@Triffid1

I am with your DP here. If DS was ill and couldn't go to a theme park, I would NOT be taking DD to a theme park while we're all on holiday together. Sorry, that just seems mean. The only way this is possible is there is some equivalent treat that your DP's DC would love and could do while you and your DC are at the theme park.

I'm also not buying that there absolutely isn't a single other day during the entire summer holidays that you couldn't take your DC while you don't have DSC?

They aren't siblings like your DC though?

A more comparable situation would be saying if your partner had a child would you never do anything remotely fun with your own kids without your partner's child?

Id think, how shit for your kids personally.

@PullItThatWayGav

Honestly even if your DSC wasn't poorly, I'd still say you should do something with your DC without them. It's good for all DC to get to spend fun, quality time with their parent sometimes and not always have to share them with step siblings.

I think you should go and DP can do something lovely with his DC on the same day if he feels that's what's best but you absolutely must enjoy special time with your children sometimes.

I'm not actually sure I agree with posters about sitting your DSC down and discussing it. I'd try to make as little a deal out of it as possible. Get DP to tell his DC that they are doing something fun that day on their own and you are taking your DC out. I think making a big deal and sitting down and discussing it just makes it seem like it's something they should feel they are missing out on. Make it a good thing! Day out with their Dad doing something together!

Great points.

The disability sounds very serious indeed

I’m baffled though - diagnosis at 10 last year.
Did this not impact life before last year?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Mumsnet recently seems to just be thread after thread about poor kids stuck in blended family situations that are disadvantaging them. If I ever had any doubt that blended families very, very rarely work well for kids, Mumsnet has convinced me of that recently. It’s just issue after issue where there is no easy answer for anyone

Totally agree. It's such shit for the poor kids.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think you need to say to him for the second week he's tagged along to, these are the plans the kids have for that week. I don't think SC will be able to do a lot of them. I don't think it's fair on her that she's here whilst they're doing all these activities- prob best to pick another week.

Yes, nip it in bud while there still is time for him to change leave dates.

@Lassy1945

Of course you can take to theme park!!

These places are brilliantly set up to accommodate disabled children

Think outside the box op.

The places your DC want to go to, contact them and enquire how they accommodate disabled children. They will do.

And if OP just wants to spend some time alone with her children?