I don't want to be insensitive but in difficult position

[totalresult]

I have 2 DC and my DP has 1, none together. We've had an awful year (as has everyone), but it's been especially bad as DP's child was diagnosed with a very serious illness last year. Thankfully after lots of treatment they are on the mend but it'll be a very long road ahead.

DP wanted to book annual leave over the summer hols the same time as me so that the kids will spend time together (they get on well). Not a problem in theory, and on one of the weeks we have booked a little break away in the UK. We both work full time.

The issue I have is that my DC have asked to do a few things in the summer that I know DP's DC won't be able to do due to their current physical condition. I've briefly mentioned this to DP and he said that it wouldn't be fair for his DC to miss out (but in turn that would mean mine do. DP wouldn't be going, just me).

I can't book any more leave so I'm now in a position where we have the exact same time off with the kids, but DP will get the hump if I take mine somewhere during that time if his DC isn't able to go to.

I hope I've explained that well enough. I feel stuck. I'm conscious of my step child's illness but I also don't want to disappoint my DC and am not sure what's best as whatever I do I will upset someone!

@LouiseTrees please scroll back and have a look at my recent post which explains exactly WHY this child should not be going to a theme park!

@AlfieMoonhead Thank you for all the explaining you did on my behalf, it's appreciated

No problem @totalresult we’ve been there. I totally get it x

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@LouiseTrees please scroll back and have a look at my recent post which explains exactly WHY this child should not be going to a theme park![/quote]
Sorry I didn’t see any post saying it was leukaemia. Anything immunodepressant I am definitely behind doing something on your own the second week. I was in the belief it was a purely physical/mobility issue perhaps with some mental affects.

Op what you have suggested is totally reasonable. Sounds like your dc will make some adjustments to their week to accommodate dsc and I think they shouldn't be disadvantaged and not be able to do what they like at other times.

It's obviously sad and unfortunate that dsc can't do some things but that's the reality. No point sugar coating it. Dsd should then be able to do things they enjoy and can do with their dad. If you start out on this road resentment will build on all parts.

I really don't think its particularly gracious to have your holiday adapted to a child you live with who has additional needs. I think its an important lesson actually in accommodating others needs. This is a child who clearly has cancer and we are saying its gracious to pair back the family holiday a bit?!

I think we should also cut the DP some slack. Again his daughter has cancer, and tbh Id say its perfectly normal to correlate your AL with your partner. That's not particularly controlling behaviour.

I think it very much depends how special these activities are, is it something that the SDC would absolute love and has never done? Or is it something that is enjoyable but happens once or twice a year.

I think a day in a theme park with your DC is fine, and a good opportunity for your SDC to have some one on one time with her dad. There must be something equally special she could do with her dad

@Notaroadrunner

Given that he didn't even discuss taking the second week off when you'd booked it off to spend time with your kids, you should definitely go ahead and book your theme parks days out and whatever else you'd planned. Just tell him you're doing it. You don't need his permission. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time with your kids anymore than you would dictate how he spends time with his child.

This. Your kids matter too. The SC has her own mother to do things with.

notaroadrunner and perveenmistry - thankfully the OP shows more compassion than you two do, towards her DP and DSC.

@bogoffmda I'm in total agreement with you. @PerveenMistry & @Notaroadrunner did you actually read through the full thread!?!
I cannot comprehend people just assuming the dp is being a lazy arse & wanting his partner to do his work.

The man has a SERIOUSLY ILL CHILD ffs, & as I said upthread I think his 'behaviour' is very understandable given the circumstances.

I guess it depends on what the activities are? Maybe book one or 2 days where your kids can do one thing with you and he can take his child off to do something else on their own. Ultimately this is about compromise. Just because you are a couple and you are all going away together, doesn't mean you all have to do the same thing all the time. If the whole holiday was centered around your children and completely left out his child that would not be reasonable.

For me it’s about whether the dc grow up as siblings, or as my kids and your kid. If as siblings then the question I’d ask myself is if one of your two dc had cancer and couldn’t do things, would you leave them with their dad and do the theme park with the other so they’d get a break and have nice times. Or would you adapt plans because your sick DC would be extra upset because they’re unwell and get left behind. Compassion and taking oneself back aren’t such bad things to learn and maybe the theme park will still be fun in a year or two.

Having said that if it’s more a my kids/your kids situation rather than one family then doing stuff separately is totally fine. I assume it probably is because you say you wouldn’t mind if roles were reversed

I hope your chat went well last night OP.

[quote Magda72]**@bogoffmda* I'm in total agreement with you. @PerveenMistry & @Notaroadrunner* did you actually read through the full thread!?!
I cannot comprehend people just assuming the dp is being a lazy arse & wanting his partner to do his work.

The man has a SERIOUSLY ILL CHILD ffs, & as I said upthread I think his 'behaviour' is very understandable given the circumstances.
[/quote]

Yes, I've read the whole thread, and I still don't think the OP and her kids should give up an additional week to the needs of the sick child.

The ill child has her OWN MOTHER who doesn't work, available to take care of her and take her on outings. This child's parents should be coordinating her activities, not expecting the father's girlfriend and her sons to revolve their lives around the situation.

Repeat, the ill child has a mother and father. It's their responsibility, not the OP's.

No one is saying op shouldn't take the second week to do stuff alone with her dc. What we are saying is that op is right in her assertion that this situation needs to be handled sensitively & that her dp's behaviour is not only understandable given the context, but that also he is most likely not a lazy father trying to get his partner to do grunt work, but rather a very stressed, scared father of a seriously ill child & as such he needs understanding & support.
Those of us who have had seriously ill children can appreciate how churned up life becomes & how you strive to normalise everything for your child. One may not be correct in asserting this, but it's a very normal reaction to such a horrible situation.

He has now taken the same week off (without discussion) and is also having his DC.

This is the problem. He shouldn't have take this time off when you specifically took it, to take time off with your DC.

I find him being selfish, with no consideration for your DC. Does he really think it's acceptable to tell your DC, they can't go to the activity, because SC is unable to go? They'll just be resentful and it's unfair on them.

You need to put your kids first. They're already spending one week together.

The only other suggestion, although I wouldn't bend so much, is maybe taking splitting your second week.

Take 2 days off with him and 3 days when it's just you and your kids.

Your DP is looking pretty selfish and awful I would say, from this situation. I also think it is quite a bullish action to just book his own second week off without any discussion. I hope he is usually a nicer person to be with.

I really hope your chat went well with him last night. Please come and tell us how it went.

Indeed, it's his lack of discussion over the second week plus then wanting to dictate what they do that is my objection here

They have already willingly accommodated his ill child for the family week's holiday.

willingly accommodated - seriously this child is part of the family which OP thankfully recognises.

Maybe the DP did not realise what OP had planned for her DCS when he booked the second week off. This is new to them all and it is situations like this that previously no one would have blinked at , now suddenly are an issue.

I would never wish a very sick child on anyone but walking a week in this families situation would may be induce a moment even if fleeting in some of you.

No one has said the OPs DC should miss out but there is no way they can go to a theme park and leave SDC behind and the SDC will not be upset. How this is broached with SDC is really what the OP is asking and my answer is there is no good day. However, you may find the DSC is so exhausted on a day that this is the time to go and they will get it - not like it but .....
There are going to be tears which OP clearly gets but how this is handled is the issue - not the in your face - fuck you cancer child we deserve to go and you are not, so suck it up attitude that some of the posters on this thread are suggesting.

Magda and I often go head to head - but on this we are on the same page. Compassion and expectation that someone is going to be hurt is what we are advocating. And some understadning of a DP who is also shell shocked, possibly jealous that OP has two DCS that are not life threateningly ill and life is plodding along normally, unsure how to do things, approach issues like this and keep his child safe. You can try to protect your DCS from so many things in life but cancer makes you feel like a failure as a parent and nothing ever makes that feeling go away.

@SandyY2K

He has now taken the same week off (without discussion) and is also having his DC.

This is the problem. He shouldn't have take this time off when you specifically took it, to take time off with your DC.

I find him being selfish, with no consideration for your DC. Does he really think it's acceptable to tell your DC, they can't go to the activity, because SC is unable to go? They'll just be resentful and it's unfair on them.

You need to put your kids first. They're already spending one week together.

The only other suggestion, although I wouldn't bend so much, is maybe taking splitting your second week.

Take 2 days off with him and 3 days when it's just you and your kids.

This is absolutely right. I don’t think anyone here thinks the op is going to be rude or unsupportive about the dc, or that she doesn’t understand that a very ill child changes a parent, but she still has to say you seem to have decided to cancel the holiday plans my kids are so excited about, and I’m not going to do that. If you’d talked to me we could have worked something out, but you decided and expected me to fall into line and disappoint my children here.

So I had a chat with DP last night. I'm not entirely sure how well it went but we did avoid clashing too much about it.

DP has handled DSC being unwell like an absolute hero, and I fully understand him wanting us around on the same weeks during the summer. It's not that he can't look after DSC, I think it's to try and feel a bit more 'normal' by having my DC around. And even something simple like feeling he can breathe as there is another adult around to help if need be.

I was quite honest and said that on the second week there are a few things that my DC want to do that may not be suitable for DSC, such as Alton Towers. He didn't seem overly happy but did end up saying he understands. I felt dreadful after - it's been such a balancing act, trying to support him and also support DSC without appearing to push my DC aside. They have handled everything so well and I'm so proud of them, and ultimately they deserve to have some time with me where they can just be kids and not worry about how X is feeling, or if X needs to go home. I don't mean that to sound awful, but it's easy to forget that both my DC are still children too.

The conversation still doesn't seem over though, and DP has made the odd comment this morning, but at least he now knows what page I'm on.

@bogoffmda

willingly accommodated - seriously this child is part of the family which OP thankfully recognises.

Maybe the DP did not realise what OP had planned for her DCS when he booked the second week off. This is new to them all and it is situations like this that previously no one would have blinked at , now suddenly are an issue.

I would never wish a very sick child on anyone but walking a week in this families situation would may be induce a moment even if fleeting in some of you.

No one has said the OPs DC should miss out but there is no way they can go to a theme park and leave SDC behind and the SDC will not be upset. How this is broached with SDC is really what the OP is asking and my answer is there is no good day. However, you may find the DSC is so exhausted on a day that this is the time to go and they will get it - not like it but .....
There are going to be tears which OP clearly gets but how this is handled is the issue - not the in your face - fuck you cancer child we deserve to go and you are not, so suck it up attitude that some of the posters on this thread are suggesting.

Magda and I often go head to head - but on this we are on the same page. Compassion and expectation that someone is going to be hurt is what we are advocating. And some understadning of a DP who is also shell shocked, possibly jealous that OP has two DCS that are not life threateningly ill and life is plodding along normally, unsure how to do things, approach issues like this and keep his child safe. You can try to protect your DCS from so many things in life but cancer makes you feel like a failure as a parent and nothing ever makes that feeling go away.

You know what? It's the ill child's father and mother who have created this awkward situation, not the OP.

They should be finding appropriate ways to occupy their child so he doesn't feel he's getting short shrift.

The ill child is not an orphan and the OP's kids may get along with him, which is great, but they are entitled to their own separate lives, too.

If the situation were reversed, and one of OP's kids were sidelined, would you expect the partner's ex to curtail whatever 121 outings she takes her kid on? Of course not.

Well done OP. I hope that's cleared the air and when things settle DP understands. No direct experience here but I bloody agree with bogoff and others there were some alarmingly heartless posters on this thread. There are ways and means of getting to a place everyone is, if not happy, at least comfortable with and there's no reason to think DP is selfish when it likely just hasn't all suck in yet. His dd's illness will be all consuming for him whereas you have other responsibilities towards your DC to balance. It's tough for everyone. Also the idea that "dp can just do something lovely with his dad on the day" ignores the reality that there are likely limited options for a lovely day out for a sick child in a pandemic. I have friends in your shoes and they've described the awful loneliness of parenting a child with cancer, and although I know they'd be fully supportive of retaining some normality for siblings, it's a constant juggling act.

You handled it well OP. I do Hope your DC get to go. Would it be possible for your DP to do something that his DC specifically likes on those days? So it's the 2 of them spending quality time together?

Perhaps you could reserve the last day of that week (if DSC still comes over) for all 5 of you to do something, so it ends on a positive note for everyone. Something nice and special.

When one child in a family has special needs it often happens that the other/s get pushed to the edge and begin to resent the attention more than a bit. Worse still, the other kids get used as an unpaid carer for the sick or disabled one and dont get to enjoy activities in their own right. Its important to make all the children feel valued and wanted. This may involve doing different things on different occasions and some of the participants compromising. As one poster has mentioned its important to learn when growing up that a disability should not make you the center of attention 100% of the time,

@PerveenMistry - yet again it has to be pointed out to you that no one is suggesting op not take her dc out separately. What IS being said is that this is NOT a run of the mill step situation & needs to be handled with sensitivity - something the op herself has stated.
The entire family is having to adjust to a new normal - most especially the sdc's two parents whose lives have been devastated & who are most likely & very understandably tunnel visioned atm.
Honestly your callousness & that of some others on here is pretty disgusting.