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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed on a 5 year old

242 replies

emg1988 · 12/04/2021 13:26

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA Smile

OP posts:
DropDTuning · 13/04/2021 18:22

@Bibidy
Disagree, I think early in a relationship most childless people would be more concerned that they would consistently be placed in 2nd place behind the children, rather than be worried that the dad wasn't putting them 2nd enough!

It's sad that you have such a low opinion of people without children.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 18:34

[quote KurtWilde]@aSofaNearYou OP is 33, I'm assuming even if she hasn't had experience with children she can grasp how huge changes might affect them Confused[/quote]
.... at risk of sounding like a broken record, why? Not everyone has any experience of this sort of thing upsetting children at all. Reassurance from the actual parent who knows the kids that it is fine and not likely to cause an issue is perfectly conceivably going to assuage any small doubts you naturally have.

KurtWilde · 13/04/2021 18:36

So you're saying that a grown adult without children isn't capable of considering how their actions might affect them? Ok then Confused

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 18:38

@KurtWilde

So you're saying that a grown adult without children isn't capable of considering how their actions might affect them? Ok then Confused
🙄 No, I'm saying that a grown adult without experience of children has no reason to guess the specific things that might upset children, and is perfectly justified to trust the parents judgment.
Itlod1982 · 13/04/2021 18:45

@aSofaNearYou it's not something specific about a particular child's personality. It's obvious that this would not be a healthy situation for any child.

Would be interesting to know how long OPs DP was single before they got together.
I'm guessing not long....apart from the fact the youngest DC was only 2.5 when he met DP, I'm wondering how he coped on his own!!

KurtWilde · 13/04/2021 18:48

It's not just about specific things, it's about an overall empathy for what might upset a child. Surely that's a good thing to have when you start living with someone who has children? It certainly served me well as a SM.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 18:49

[quote Itlod1982]@aSofaNearYou it's not something specific about a particular child's personality. It's obvious that this would not be a healthy situation for any child.

Would be interesting to know how long OPs DP was single before they got together.
I'm guessing not long....apart from the fact the youngest DC was only 2.5 when he met DP, I'm wondering how he coped on his own!! [/quote]
I simply disagree that is is obvious. It comes with experience.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 18:50

@KurtWilde

It's not just about specific things, it's about an overall empathy for what might upset a child. Surely that's a good thing to have when you start living with someone who has children? It certainly served me well as a SM.
Of course it's a good thing. OP says she did have doubt, I just don't think it's at all morally deplorable to trust the parent when they're telling you it's fine.
Original poster
emg1988 · 13/04/2021 18:53

I was directed to this site and told that I may be able to get the advice that I was looking for, not to be bullied and abused by the majority of you. I have experience with children of all ages, but I haven't been around young children since I was in secondary school when I was doing work experience and afterwards doing the occasional babysitting. I didn't expect to get into a relationship with a single father, but I don't regret it at the same time. I have met their mother who doesn't have any issues with me living with them. She also has a partner who lives with her and the kids are around him the same as I am. I get on very well with both children, and they have expressed how much they like having me around. It has only been on a few occasions where I have been left to solely look after them and have had to ask the eldest to do something but I don't expect her to listen to me straight away and I understand that, I was just asking for advice on how best to approach it not to be berated and bullied. Thank you to the ones who have given the advice I was after, it has been helpful and most appreciated.

OP posts:
weegiepower · 13/04/2021 18:54

As others have said, this is all WAY too fast..!! I've been with my partner for 2 years and have children if the same age, he's only met them briefly a few times at the park and things like that! I couldn't imagine moving someone into my home as quickly!

Bimbledon · 13/04/2021 19:03

@weegiepower

As others have said, this is all WAY too fast..!! I've been with my partner for 2 years and have children if the same age, he's only met them briefly a few times at the park and things like that! I couldn't imagine moving someone into my home as quickly!
Yeah it think she gets the point...
UhtredRagnarson · 13/04/2021 19:47

OP doesn't have children and she's not going to base her life decisions around what's right for someone elses

When her decisions impact those children then I’m sorry but yes, she absolutely should be considering what’s right for them. Children or no children of her own, she is the adult here.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/04/2021 20:02

I would not have wanted to move in with my DP - and therefore be staying with his children - after 2 months BUT the reason would have been for myself, not for them
Indeed, but for myself included assessing the impact that dropping suddenly in children's life would have in be, including behaviour I might not be happy with.

As it is, it appears that everything us fine and that's great. A 5 year old playing up is nothing unusual. Maybe you are not being authoritative enough in your tone of voice. The sane kids can act very differently with different teachers.

Or maybe she was acting up because deep inside, she was upset that her dad had left her behind and she acted up with you because you were the only one there at the time.

Graphista · 13/04/2021 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KurtWilde · 13/04/2021 21:04

Well said @Graphista it never ceases to amaze me how people who hear a few home truths are quick to say they've been bullied or abused.

tara66 · 13/04/2021 21:42

Yes poor kids - strangers in both their homes so soon.

Graphista · 13/04/2021 23:12

@KurtWilde quite! Particularly galling when many of us HAVE survived GENUINE abuse and bullying

TheSilence · 14/04/2021 00:02

I haven’t seen any bullying or abuse on this thread!!! I can’t stand when people start accusing others of that when the reality is that they just don’t like being criticised at all.

Also, @Graphista I agree with your long post completely, I don’t know why the recent one was deleted, but the other was great and said it all.

OP you have had some amazing insights and advice on here, no one has ‘abused’ you Confused

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2021 09:31

@KurtWilde

Well said *@Graphista* it never ceases to amaze me how people who hear a few home truths are quick to say they've been bullied or abused.
When MNHQ deletes the post you're praising, it might be worth considering whether it was in fact harsher than it needed to be.
KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 09:46

@aSofaNearYou if MN deletes the post then they're basically agreeing that anything that's said to an OP that they don't like, can be classed as abuse. Which is pretty shit for those of us who know what actual abuse is.

KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 09:50

In fact, you seem to have a problem with me and my opinions. Hence tagging me and trying to shut down anything I've said. By your standards that would be classed as bullying. Should I report you for bullying? Or act like a grown up and know that no one in life is going to agree with everything I say, and some people will be harsher about it that others?

Seems these days the words abuse, bullying, gaslighting are thrown around like confetti on this site, which does a massive disservice to those who know what actual abuse, bullying and gaslighting looks like.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2021 09:55

[quote KurtWilde]@aSofaNearYou if MN deletes the post then they're basically agreeing that anything that's said to an OP that they don't like, can be classed as abuse. Which is pretty shit for those of us who know what actual abuse is. [/quote]
Well I think there's a difference between what people mean when they talk about abuse in general, and online abuse. The latter is a recognised thing. The comment was likely deleted as it was deemed to be far more personally insulting than was necessary or appropriate, which I agree with. Saying "well abuse can get far worse" is a strange defence and doesn't change the fact that your words were way overboard.

KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 10:00

Ah I knew you'd have a loophole @aSofaNearYou

My point stands.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2021 10:07

@KurtWilde

Ah I knew you'd have a loophole *@aSofaNearYou*

My point stands.

A loophole? What are you talking about? You don't have to be exhibiting the worst abuse in the world to be taking it too far online, you're holding your experience of abuse up like some kind of trump card to defend being a keyboard warrior and crying victim if it gets deleted. The comments a few of you were making here may not have been the worst example of abuse out there, but they were very personally cutting and nasty for no justifiable reason, yet you are determined you have the moral high ground. Evidently, you didn't.
SpaceshiptoMars · 14/04/2021 10:18

Well I think there's a difference between what people mean when they talk about abuse in general, and online abuse. The latter is a recognised thing. The comment was likely deleted as it was deemed to be far more personally insulting than was necessary or appropriate, which I agree with. Saying "well abuse can get far worse" is a strange defence and doesn't change the fact that your words were way overboard.

I don't know if any of you saw the 2nd family thread earlier today that was deleted? A young woman who had been a hidden mistress for 8 years with 2 children by her married 'lover', and now wants out.

This was handled by 19 out of 20 posters with incredible compassion and sensitivity. Really, it was a master class in actually helping someone in an impossible situation. So why oh why, when we are here with a clearly well-intentioned person who has acted perfectly honourably - do we not accord her the same rights? Why does anyone feel the need to project their own situation and bad stuff on to her innocent life? What harm has she done anyone?

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