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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed on a 5 year old

242 replies

emg1988 · 12/04/2021 13:26

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA Smile

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 12/04/2021 16:27

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November

There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls

Ooof! He saw you coming didn’t he?

Original poster
emg1988 · 12/04/2021 16:34

I am 33 years old for those wondering how old I am. I'm only asking for advice not for you to start judging my relationship or telling me how I should be living my life. I am closing this thread now as people seem to have nothing better to do than comment on everything other than the advice I have asked for. Thank you to those who have been helpful but it is causing me more stress having to read through the ones who are judging me without even knowing me

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2021 16:39

The truth can be a real kick in the teeth.

LDom · 12/04/2021 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SimonJT · 12/04/2021 17:09

@emg1988

I am 33 years old for those wondering how old I am. I'm only asking for advice not for you to start judging my relationship or telling me how I should be living my life. I am closing this thread now as people seem to have nothing better to do than comment on everything other than the advice I have asked for. Thank you to those who have been helpful but it is causing me more stress having to read through the ones who are judging me without even knowing me
Her behaviour is likely linked to the fact that she was forced to live with a stranger.
Original poster
emg1988 · 12/04/2021 17:11

@LDom I appreciate everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I only moved in with him due to the pandemic and all the lockdowns that were happening in our area. I never intended to move in permanently it just happened. I agree it is sudden but I'm old enough to make that decision on my own. As for getting involved with someone who has children, again that is my decision. It was his idea for me to meet them so early on in our relationship and we both had our doubts but it has since been ok apart from minor things with the eldest one. I was just asking if anyone had been in a similar position as all my friends have their own kids and I don't know anyone who is in the same position.

OP posts:
casade13 · 12/04/2021 17:22

I have two step sons 9/13! I generally feedback to them what their dad has said and if I need to I will say let's call your dad and check! My OH does the same with my son who is 10 if needed! We have been together 2 plus years now and there haven't been any real dramas! Kids will be cheeky and try their luck with the step parent 😂

lunar1 · 12/04/2021 17:27

I'd be devastated for my children if dh and I split up and he moved someone in after two months. I can't imagine being so reckless with my children's lives.

I would really think about what kind of man he is @emg1988, a woman would be torn to shreds in here for moving a man in this fast. If he can do this with his first children he would do the same to any potential children you may have with him.

It's hard for you to see from your own perspective because you know yourself, you probably know you would never do anything to harm or endanger a child. There is no way for him to have known after such a short time that you are a safe adult to live with his children.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2021 17:35

I agree it is sudden but I'm old enough to make that decision on my own. As for getting involved with someone who has children, again that is my decision.

Honestly, you sound like a stroppy teenager. Of course you can make your own decisions, but these decisions impact other people, especially innocent children. You don't exist is a bloody vacuum. It really hasn't occured to you that these discipline problems might stem from the fact that you were thrust into her life, literally a stranger turned instant step-mummy? This is confusing and traumatic to a 5 year old.

It was his idea for me to meet them so early on in our relationship

No kidding! He was looking for someone to care for them so he could play golf and whatever the fuck else he wants to do. It's absolutely no wonder his ex got rid of him. Your boyfriend's judgement is appalling.

NerrSnerr · 12/04/2021 17:59

I agree it is sudden but I'm old enough to make that decision on my own.

You know you're not the important one in this? The children need to be put first and it's really not on for a stranger to move into their home.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2021 18:00

Gosh, the comments are getting a bit uncalled for. It was up to her partner to properly consider how OP moving in might affect his kids, she's not a bad person for following his lead.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/04/2021 18:00

I agree it is sudden but I'm old enough to make that decision on my own.

You’re misunderstanding people’s concern here. They aren’t concerned for you, if you want to move in with a boyfriend on day1 you can. They’re concerned that it’s too soon for the children to have to live with you, a stranger. It’s a massive red flag tbh from him that he is happy to potentially put his children at risk like this. And no, I’m not saying you are going to hurt his children, I’m saying that nobody really knows anyone 2 months in and children certainly don’t know their parent’s new girlfriend well enough to live with her after 2 months. It’s a horrible situation to put children in and I think very little of him for doing it. If you plan to have children with him, remember how he treated his existing children.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 12/04/2021 18:02

@aSofaNearYou

Well if I'm honest the main thing that stands out to me here is that it is incredibly cheeky of your partner to leave you to look after them while he plays golf, especially this early into the relationship. He should not be doing that and should be looking after his daughter's on his time. Be careful here, you are in danger of becoming his doormat.
This. A million times. The problem is not with the 5 YO. It is with her CF of a father.
EnoughnowIthink · 12/04/2021 18:17

You expect to be taken seriously when you moved in a with a man with small children after 2 months?

OverTheRainbow88 · 12/04/2021 18:30

My son who’s nearly 5 is the same with me.
I don’t think it’s anything other than a kid being a kid.

Aimee1987 · 12/04/2021 20:10

When I fist meet DP DSS was 2. By the time he was 5 I had him regularly on a Saturday morning when his dad worked.

I did have a bit of an issue the first few times I had him alone as I put myself in the fun aunt category. Therefore DSS thought he could get away with anything.
I realised the error in this approach the first couple times I had him alone. I was an opair and babysitter throughout my teenage years and my uni years so realised that treating DSS any different to any other child I would in my care was an error.

You now need to ascertain your authority, your not a parent but you are someone who cares for her. Sit down with DP and discuss the consequences for inappropriate behaviour and decide a punishment. So with DSS it was and still is tech time penalties. Find a punishment that she will care about losing but not too big that you wont follow though on it. Then sit down and talk to DSD telling her the new consequences for her behaviour. Then next time she acts enforce the punishment.

Mumbo1234 · 12/04/2021 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aimee1987 · 12/04/2021 20:11

Ih I forgot to say we give DSS a warning before a punishment.

Namechange839 · 12/04/2021 20:20

Honestly, yours and your boyfriend disregard for the childrens feelings is shocking and i genuinely feel sorry for them. You might be old enough to make your own decisions but clearly not old enough to realise the world doesnt revolve around you

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 12/04/2021 20:20

For everyone saying he’s avoiding them on his contact days - he has them 50/50 if not more. If they’re with him every Saturday and some Sunday mornings, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a game of a golf might happen on his contact time sometimes. It’s not like he’s an EOW dad.

Re the 5 y/o behaviour, I had similar with my DP’s daughter when we first met. Butter wouldn’t melt and when I told him about her being rude or unhelpful he didn’t pull her up on it, as he found it so cute Hmm so in that respect you’re lucky - at least your DP sees what’s going on and tells her off for it.

I’d be careful about going down the “I’m telling daddy” route as that just reinforces the idea that she doesn’t have to behave well for you, only her dad.

I just stepped back altogether and stopped spending time with them as we don’t live together, but in your case it’s not as easy. i would definitely not be left in sole charge any more if I were you, and would make sure I was busy when they were around so that he doesn’t end up popping out and leaving you to it.

When she is cheeky or rude you need to be firm and say that’s not acceptable, and then bribe her with her favourite dinner or tv show etc if she’s a bit more helpful. At 5 she’s still learning how far she can push people so make sure it’s not far! Good luck.

excelledyourself · 12/04/2021 20:30

For everyone saying he’s avoiding them on his contact days - he has them 50/50 if not more. If they’re with him every Saturday and some Sunday mornings, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a game of a golf might happen on his contact time sometimes. It’s not like he’s an EOW dad.

Exactly. He's a dad who has chosen to have his kids 50/50. OP isn't a nanny. He has half the week to play golf. I'm sure he managed before OP appeared on the scene mere months ago. I don't see that golf is the priority here.

Aimee1987 · 12/04/2021 20:33

For everyone saying he’s avoiding them on his contact days - he has them 50/50 if not more. If they’re with him every Saturday and some Sunday mornings, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a game of a golf might happen on his contact time sometimes. It’s not like he’s an EOW dad.
It's a very good point. I do wonder if the same would be said if it was a mum.

excelledyourself · 12/04/2021 20:36

I would absolutely say the same if the mum moved a stranger in and was leaving them with her kids, yes. And I think most decent dads would be horrified at the idea.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2021 20:37

I wonder who does the housework.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2021 20:43

I wonder who does the housework.

Ha! As if we don't already know the answer.