Advice needed on a 5 year old

[emg1988]

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA

Incidentally when it comes to our shared child, my husband does not think the way his children are raised is OK. He absolutely does not want things to be that way and agrees with my preferences.

So, it's not about me imposing my beliefs on his parenting. The problem is he's too lazy and to some degree scared to try to sort what he does think are behaviour issues and problems. But he doesn't seem to realise that you can't square that circle when his other kids' behaviour implants upon that shared child (and everyone else).

So... I'm not sure we can necessarily assume that the parent is actually acting according to what they think is right at all times. They may be doing many other things for many different reasons, including following the path of least resistance or being scared of a controlling ex.

The parent may also find that a SM is a convenient place to put the blame if they do make any changes and it doesn't go how they hoped. After all, it can't have been them that wanted changes their children/their ex didn't like.

It just might not be as simple as you'd assume.

@dontdisturbmenow Surely as in any partnership, you go in expecting to both compromise on a majority of things, so both parties are content? That's not the same thing as one party having to bend to the other's will, it's just a normal part of being a couple. Nobody should expect to be able to be in a relationship without doing that, including parents.

Surely as in any partnership, you go in expecting to both compromise on a majority of things, so both parties are content?
Some things you can compromise on, others you can't, which is why many new relationships end after a few months because you find out that some things about your partner you can't accept nor compromise about.

I think too often children are not considered in that same manner, as for example debts. You could decide that you could stay with a partner if he had debts that you thought could be managed with some sacrifices and changes and your partner was willing to comply. However, how many would still want to be in the relationship if the guy had massive debts and an attitude that it doesn't matter knowing that stating with him would significantly impact your lifestyle?

Yet difficult children are just seen as a small issue that will somehow just get better with compromise. It often doesn't.

What about if your partner had never had any debts but, after 5 years of marriage, build up tens of thousands of pounds in debt and was totally in denial about it all?

The thing is, people change. Circumstances change.

You don't necessarily know that a few years down the line you're going to be dealing with someone who lets his teenagers smoke in the house or thinks it's fine to displace you from your bed because his now 10 year old wants to sleep there or anything else that is negatively impacting your life.

It's just not a partnership is one partner is refusing to compromise or even consider the other.

I have made various changes and compromises in my parenting and rules because of my husband. If I want to, for example, make DS's bedtime later than it currently is, should I just do it unilaterally (he is my son so it's just about what I think is right) or should I discuss it with my husband and try to agree something that works for everyone?
To be honest, I'm not talking about issues such as bedtime but more complex problems with kids with seemingly problems. Those who need attention, who are seen as manipulative, rude, disrespectful, lazy, make constant demands, act like bullies, etc...

Problems for which compromises are much more difficult.

What about if your partner had never had any debts but, after 5 years of marriage, build up tens of thousands of pounds in debt and was totally in denial about it all
Absolutely and that's totally different.

Some lively kids can become difficult, especially during teenage years, and that was unpredictable. I do have sympathy but I don't think it's any different to any parent. Hopefully the relationship was good before so it makes that phase a but easier.

However, many issues were present from the start but it wasn't picked up because partners moved in together too quickly. Again it goes back to the OP, the problem was there from the start. Although in this instance, it's only one small issue in the scale of things that will likely resolve itself, hopefully.

To be honest, I'm not talking about issues such as bedtime but more complex problems with kids with seemingly problems. Those who need attention, who are seen as manipulative, rude, disrespectful, lazy, make constant demands, act like bullies, etc...

Problems for which compromises are much more difficult.

How do you know that the toddler he had when to met him is going to become a manipulative, rude, bully at 10? How do you tell when the tantrums are just things they grow out of and something you'll still be expected to put up with in a child who is old enough to learn to control themselves?

Is this the stepmother crystal ball I seem to have missed out on again?

You don't necessarily know that a few years down the line you're going to be dealing with someone who lets his teenagers smoke in the house or thinks it's fine to displace you from your bed because his now 10 year old wants to sleep there or anything else that is negatively impacting your life
In this point, I would have thought that with this attitude to discipline, it would have shown itself in other ways quite soon. Parents who are that lax rarely suddenly become so.

In this point, I would have thought that with this attitude to discipline, it would have shown itself in other ways quite soon. Parents who are that lax rarely suddenly become so.

Sometimes they're not lax. It's that they're scared to say no in case the child decides they won't come any more.

And you can't necessarily anticipate that in a 5 year old either.

@dontdisturbmenow

I have made various changes and compromises in my parenting and rules because of my husband. If I want to, for example, make DS's bedtime later than it currently is, should I just do it unilaterally (he is my son so it's just about what I think is right) or should I discuss it with my husband and try to agree something that works for everyone? To be honest, I'm not talking about issues such as bedtime but more complex problems with kids with seemingly problems. Those who need attention, who are seen as manipulative, rude, disrespectful, lazy, make constant demands, act like bullies, etc...

Problems for which compromises are much more difficult.

These are equally things that are discussed as the adults in the household and means of addressing the problem are arrived at together.

I will say we had alot of problems with attention seeking behaviour. One such example was talking to my mother on zoom. DSS had turn to talk about school and Lego and his computer game hes playing. When after ten minutes my mum asked me a question about my job DSS went into melt down mode and spent the remaining 10 minutes of the call standing in front of the camera screaming, sitting behind me banging the baby toys as loud as he could. This went on for about ten mi utes till I ended the call. This is completly unacceptable behaviour from a 9 year old. Me and DP discussed it and an adequate punishment was given to DSS. Like any form of discipline I dont think a SP should just shrugg their shoulders. That behaviour may have been tolerated when he was 2 when I first meet him but at his age it is entirely inappropriate and therefore needs to be addressed.

I suppose not always, and I do have sympathy in this case.

It's when partners move in quickly, before taking the time to know the children well and/or each others parental principle that I find harder to sympathise.

Yes, it's too late by then so pointless to mention, but many errors are not easy to fix once made and the frustration and anger often comes from the error itself rather than the failure to then change the situation.

@dontdisturbmenow

I just genuinely don't see how the SP is at fault for trying to change things that are actually not right or healthy for the household? Because who says that SM is the one whose for the right view of what is healthy?

A woman who believes in being careful with the household budget and the importance in saving is unlikely to be happy with an who believes in enjoying the moment and spending all his monthly income. No one is right or wrong. Sometimes one can be influence one way but most of the time, it just come down to not being compatible.

It's the same with the way what considers to be healthy or not, acceptable behaviour or not, but ultimately, just like you can't demand how one spends their own money, you can't demand a parent to raise their kids differently when they don't see anything wrong with their ways.

Well I'd say when it's her home too then her view on what's goes on and is 'right' - for everyone, not just the kids - should be considered alongside her DP's and be given equal weight.

Also a lot of it is just common sense and widely held expectations/standards that most people would agree on but a lot of NRP dads just don't uphold because they can't be bothered and/or they want their kids to see their time with dad as a holiday.

For instance, letting young children stay up wayyy too late so that the rest of the house is disturbed into the night and then the child is crabby and dozing off by the afternoon the next day - that, to me, isn't an SM deciding. I feel like it's reasonable to ask someone not to facilitate that happening, particularly if it's happening regularly.

I just feel like when you're part of a household it's not just up to one person to decide what's OK. If others in the household are being negatively affected by choices you're making then that needs to be a discussion, child or no child.

@asofanearyou

Would ideally prefer them not to exist at all" is purely your projection, as is the rest of your comment, which is by far the most ridiculous on this thread so far.

Oh really? Have you looked at this thread (below)? Nothing to do with me, but absolutely packed full of examples of exactly what I was referring to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4221321-Secretly-wish-DH-didnt-have-DSD-and-had-a-nuclear-family

[quote DropDTuning]@asofanearyou

Would ideally prefer them not to exist at all" is purely your projection, as is the rest of your comment, which is by far the most ridiculous on this thread so far.

Oh really? Have you looked at this thread (below)? Nothing to do with me, but absolutely packed full of examples of exactly what I was referring to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4221321-Secretly-wish-DH-didnt-have-DSD-and-had-a-nuclear-family[/quote]
Yes, there is one thread along those lines, I concede, though it's one among many in which that is neither said nor hinted at by the OP.

But having actually read what people are saying on that thread, I think there is a big difference between the feeling described being a strong, active resentment that drives the step parents interactions with their stepchild, and a simple, honest acknowledgment that life could be simpler. That's all it is for most, not some huge act of malice.

Have you looked at this thread (below)? Nothing to do with me, but absolutely packed full of examples of exactly what I was referring to.

I've read that thread and it is full of non-stepmothers saying that there is no way that they would take on another woman's child. Is that your point?

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her

In all fairness, after only 6 months, you are still a new person to her.

[quote FishyFriday]@SakuraEdenSwan1 but your concern would be about your ex and his judgement. That's really where anyone's anger about this situation should be directed. [/quote]
Absolutely.