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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed on a 5 year old

242 replies

emg1988 · 12/04/2021 13:26

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA Smile

OP posts:
Bibidy · 12/04/2021 13:39

I haven't had this situation but remember when my SD was 5 so you have my sympathies Grin.

If this did happen and I was looking after them on my own I think my first course of action would be telling her I was going to ring her dad and let him know she's being naughty. Hopefully that would get her to do what you've asked. I'd tell him in front of her when he got home that we nearly had to call him too so she knows she can't get away with misbehaving for you.

Tbh though, my main action would be telling my DP I wouldn't be looking after them alone any more since SD doesn't listen to me. He needs to sort the issue out or not expect your help.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2021 13:44

Well if I'm honest the main thing that stands out to me here is that it is incredibly cheeky of your partner to leave you to look after them while he plays golf, especially this early into the relationship. He should not be doing that and should be looking after his daughter's on his time. Be careful here, you are in danger of becoming his doormat.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2021 13:48

There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls

Um, what? Your boyfriend saw you coming, didn't he? You barely know him, moved in almost immediately, and now you're left to provide free childcare. He goes golfing and leaves you to handle a 3 and 5 year old? Is this a joke?

Stop being a mug because your boyfriend is taking the absolute piss out of you. Let him care for his children and run for the hills. You are mad to tolerate this.

tisonlymeagain · 12/04/2021 13:49

I don't look after my SD (who I met when she was 5) anymore because of how she has behaved when I have. I downright refuse now, not my child, not my problem.

But in your case, you've only been 7 or 8 months, and it's still really early days in terms of relationships with children, so I don't think your partner should be expecting you to look after her anyway. Why is he off playing golf on his contact time? Does he not want to spend that time with his children?

User5747384 · 12/04/2021 13:52

I don't think he should be leaving the kids with you, you haven't been together long.
Especially to go golfing...

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2021 14:00

Agree with everyone else that it is shocking he would avoid his children on their contact days to go golfing and leave you doing free childcare. That needs to stop.

If you are unable/unwilling to change this then you should be asserting your own authority in your own house. Exactly if you were a childminder or nanny. What do you do if she ignores you or answers back rudely? What consequences do you and your partner implement for unwanted behaviour?

espressoontap · 12/04/2021 14:04

She hardly knows you. Why have you moved in so quickly?

These poor kids. You and your partner should've waited longer before you moving in and being introduced to his children, let alone being left with them.

Justcallmebebes · 12/04/2021 14:04

You've been in their lives 6 months. With all due respect, you are nothing to them and you shouldn't really be left alone with them to discipline them. Very confusing for them, especially the 5 year old who incidentally is behaving like a perfectly normal 5 year old who needs normal discipline and boundaries, just not imposed by a stranger to her

MyGorramShip · 12/04/2021 14:05

You moved in after 2 months?! Shock

No. Just. No.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2021 14:07

Ask yourself why a man would move someone in so quickly. He barely knew you. He wanted a built-in housekeeper and nanny, and he got one.

Get the hell out of there.

Original poster
emg1988 · 12/04/2021 14:09

Thank you @Bibidy, I may have to use this in future.

To everyone who mentioned the golf, I appreciate the comments, albeit some rude and unnecessary however, this is not my main concern and I have told him after last week that I refuse to look after them again while he goes to play and he has agreed that this will no longer happen.

OP posts:
rainbowandglitter · 12/04/2021 14:15

That's all way too fast. You've only been together around half a year and you're already living together and looking after his children when he's not there. Slow down!

BigMamaFratelli · 12/04/2021 14:15

DSS is 6.5 so I can sympathise. I think she's just gently pushing boundaries, not only to see what she can get away with but also to check you'll be sticking around. Just be firm and consistent. Ask once, tell once and then inform her you'll be telling her dad she wouldn't do as she was told when he gets back. Then leave it to him.

DSS's mum has just split up with her partner so we've had a bit of acting out here recently. Try not to take it personally, they are just trying to work out their little world and your place in it. Just be firm but kind. And don't give in because you want them to like you, that might be a short term win but in the long run it'll make things harder.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2021 14:17

@emg1988

Thank you *@Bibidy*, I may have to use this in future.

To everyone who mentioned the golf, I appreciate the comments, albeit some rude and unnecessary however, this is not my main concern and I have told him after last week that I refuse to look after them again while he goes to play and he has agreed that this will no longer happen.

It's great that you have had that discussion with him OP, you really need to set your boundaries in that regard. My DP will sometimes leave me with DSS to run an errand or go to work, but he would never just spend the day out on a leisure activity while I cared for him. That is simply not on.

In terms of getting respect from them, well, my DSS does not have any trouble respecting my authority. If anything he behaves better around me and plays up for others, because I am sharp and observant and he knows he won't get away with things as easily, I will pick up on what he's doing. It can feel like a bit of a jarring transition going from "best friend" to "firm adult with authority" and I do get that - I met DSS when he was 3 and had definitely shifted roles by the time he was 5, as a result of the increase in challenging behavior. It is to be expected unfortunately. You just have to have the confidence to put your foot down, she will naturally adjust.

NerrSnerr · 12/04/2021 14:19

This is all far too fast. You barely know each other and if it goes tits up it's the children who will suffer.

The children listening to you shouldn't be an issue because he should be doing the parenting so early in the relationship.

Original poster
emg1988 · 12/04/2021 14:23

Thank you @BigMamaFratelli & @aSofaNearYou Smile

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 12/04/2021 14:28

Your partner moved in with a new partner 2 months after meeting them when he has young children?

He leaves you to look after them when they've only known you a matter of months?

Honestly, I'd run for the hills. The only person this arrangement is good for is him.

sqirrelfriends · 12/04/2021 14:35

@aSofaNearYou

Well if I'm honest the main thing that stands out to me here is that it is incredibly cheeky of your partner to leave you to look after them while he plays golf, especially this early into the relationship. He should not be doing that and should be looking after his daughter's on his time. Be careful here, you are in danger of becoming his doormat.
This was mine too! Personally, I would not be ok with that.
LDom · 12/04/2021 14:39

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SandyY2K · 12/04/2021 14:43

Given the speed of you moving in with him, this is no surprise.

I have told him after last week that I refuse to look after them again while he goes to play and he has agreed that this will no longer happen.

Great. Problem solved.

LDom · 12/04/2021 15:04

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Carbara · 12/04/2021 15:10

That’s really bad, shows a complete lack of basic safeguarding on your boyfriends part to move in a stranger and have them (you) parent his kids, you shouldn’t even be anywhere meeting them at this point in your brand new relationship, never mind parenting these kids for their father. Unreal.

excelledyourself · 12/04/2021 15:56

Those poor kids. What's on earth were you both thinking?

KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 16:24

We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment no, he has the girls. You need to try and step back a bit, there shouldn't be many times you need to tell her to do something. Unless it's a safety thing or they are hurting you. Their dad should be around the whole time this early on. It is stressful and hard to find your place I understand but if you try and aim for friendly aunty rather than a teacher/authority figure you might have a less stressful time.

LDom · 12/04/2021 16:26

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