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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed on a 5 year old

242 replies

emg1988 · 12/04/2021 13:26

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA Smile

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 13/04/2021 09:52

The op knows where we are when it all falls apart.
And that this is the last place on earth to bring your problems!

The human race has been going a long time. We've survived ice ages, earthquakes, wars, tidal waves, plagues etc. and are still going strong. Children have been left as orphans to survive alone. Even as children, we are far more flexible and adaptable than some here believe - we are the descendants of generation upon generation of survivors.

I think the OP will do her best with those kids, and we can help her more if we address the present and don't eviscerate her for her past choices.

KurtWilde · 13/04/2021 09:59

Sorry but 6 months??

People using lockdown as an excuse to speed things up seems to be the in thing. Poor kids who suddenly had a new adult thrust into their lives because daddy didn't want to be alone during lockdown.

Wizzbangfizz · 13/04/2021 10:11

You shouldn't even have been introduced to his kids so early let alone be living with them and looking after them. If I were their mother I'd be furious and your OH sounds irresponsible and inconsiderate. In regards to their behaviour frankly I'm surprised it's not much worse than it is.

LDom · 13/04/2021 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Itlod1982 · 13/04/2021 10:27

@LDom

I think what we say will encourage the op to be all the more determined to make it work. I hope she succeeds despite the odds! There are times when people are glad to be proved wrong.
I hope for the children's sake we are proved wrong. Obviously none of us are wanting the relationship to fail, and it would be amazing for them all of it works out. I kits think it's a very difficult situation at the best of times.

Good luck OP - for what it's worth the behaviour you've described doesn't sound that different to my sassy 6 year old! If anything my DD behaves better around her SM in the same way she behaves better for her teachers and grandparents etc.

2me2u2u2me · 13/04/2021 10:55

@Aquamarine1029

There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls

Um, what? Your boyfriend saw you coming, didn't he? You barely know him, moved in almost immediately, and now you're left to provide free childcare. He goes golfing and leaves you to handle a 3 and 5 year old? Is this a joke?

Stop being a mug because your boyfriend is taking the absolute piss out of you. Let him care for his children and run for the hills. You are mad to tolerate this.

OMG totally my thoughts. I thought moving in within 2 months was a shocker, but then to be introduced and minding his kids whilst he goes off on a jolly, I don't think so Shock
aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 11:23

I don't agree with the suggestions that any bad behaviour is automatically explained and excused because of OP being a "stranger". I would expect my kids to respect any adult in charge, and they often don't know them well or have any natural authority over them other than the fact that I left them in charge. Also, you've got to remember that many children do not actually know how long their parent has been dating their new partners before they are introduced. Yes two months seems short to us, but the information the little girl has likely been presented with is not dissimilar to what most children will receive.

There's nothing in OPs post that sounds like she is acting out due to disliking OP, rather than due to liking her. If there are any signs that she is struggling with the situation they need exploring, but I think posters are jumping to conclusions due to their own negative view of the situation by assuming she is acting out due to OP moving in too soon.

Mumbo1234 · 13/04/2021 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniAndGuy · 13/04/2021 12:32

@aSofaNearYou

Well if I'm honest the main thing that stands out to me here is that it is incredibly cheeky of your partner to leave you to look after them while he plays golf, especially this early into the relationship. He should not be doing that and should be looking after his daughter's on his time. Be careful here, you are in danger of becoming his doormat.
This!!!

What the fuck? He's now got a woman shunted in so hurrah, he can get back to golf and you can look after his tiny children?

Um, NO.

HE has his children Weds-Sun. Not you, his fairly new partner. They are not your responsibility - at all.

Supportive? No, supportive is not expecting you for a moment to have to be responsible for htem so that he can go do his hobby - that is more accurately described as being an entitled user.

I've read your second post, and am really glad that this will no longer happen. Make that permanent. I'm adding this comment to the many others to underline that this is really really off - you've commented on not needing strident posts but honestly, I think you do.

From your point of view - he's happy to use you
From their point of view - he's happy to risk their safety - he shouldn't be leaving them in your care for a long. long time.

Not a keeper. Just be warned. This issue wouldn't have arisen with a man who is a good, responsible dad and who has the makings of a good, equal partner.

DropDTuning · 13/04/2021 12:33

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage

No, it's not the five-year-old who is 'taking advantage' of you.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 13/04/2021 13:59

Moving in quickly because of lockdown is a BS excuse. Like horny teenagers that cant cope without each each other.

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 14:14

@aSofaNearYou

I don't agree with the suggestions that any bad behaviour is automatically explained and excused because of OP being a "stranger". I would expect my kids to respect any adult in charge, and they often don't know them well or have any natural authority over them other than the fact that I left them in charge. Also, you've got to remember that many children do not actually know how long their parent has been dating their new partners before they are introduced. Yes two months seems short to us, but the information the little girl has likely been presented with is not dissimilar to what most children will receive.

There's nothing in OPs post that sounds like she is acting out due to disliking OP, rather than due to liking her. If there are any signs that she is struggling with the situation they need exploring, but I think posters are jumping to conclusions due to their own negative view of the situation by assuming she is acting out due to OP moving in too soon.

Completely agree.

Maybe OP has moved in a little sooner than is usual but she isn't the first person to do that. Let's face it, quite often marriages end due to affairs to one parent moves in with their new parent straight away and the children have to adjust to that.

Also, I don't know why everyone is slamming OP, it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids". That was HIS responsibility, so not sure why people are being so rude to her here.

FishyFriday · 13/04/2021 14:17

Whether anyone thinks it was too fast or whatever, the OP is where she is now. And trying to figure things out.

@emg1988 I agree with everyone that your partner is taking the piss and it's most definitely time to draw some very clear boundaries that make sure that he is looking after his children in his contact time. Not farming the labour out to you when it doesn't suit him.

I've had to start building impenetrable boundary walls drawing more boundaries with my husband about his children from a previous relationship. It's hard because you spend so long wanting to help and be nice and so in, but you can easily end up being taken advantage of, taken for granted and (and this one is a kicker) being scapegoated for anything that goes wrong.

What I've done is told my husband that, if he wants to have his children here for contact, then he is responsible for them. He doesn't get to swan off for 90 minute bike rides of to the gym. He doesn't get to use me as a babysitter so he can have a night out. And he has to do the work. It's his job to plan for their time here. It's just job to cook for them. It's just job to clean and do their laundry. It's his job to play with them. He doesn't get to kid himself that he's having contact while ignoring them and leaving me to do everything.

It sounds harsh but, as I said, I was being lumbered with all the crap and then scapegoated if his kids didn't behave or whatever. He's really resentful that I won't 'help' him now. But I was (and am) resentful that he's taken the piss do much and expects it to the extent that he is resentful at having to parent his own children.

In hindsight, I wish I'd been more sensible and drawn proper, realistic boundaries right from the start. Apart from anything else, doing so would have helped me to recognise that our expectations of parenthood (never mind stepparenthood) are a long way apart. You are much earlier in your relationship - dong make the many mistakes I have.

UhtredRagnarson · 13/04/2021 15:01

it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids".

I disagree with this. I think it absolutely is up to any adults involved to be responsible for their own actions and not just be led by their partner. I certainly wouldn’t do something a partner suggested was fine if I thought it wasn’t.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2021 15:05

@UhtredRagnarson

it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids".

I disagree with this. I think it absolutely is up to any adults involved to be responsible for their own actions and not just be led by their partner. I certainly wouldn’t do something a partner suggested was fine if I thought it wasn’t.

The point is this is really not something someone with no experience with kids should be expected to know is a problem, especially not when their parent is adamant it's fine. That is highly unrealistic.
BilboBercow · 13/04/2021 15:06

I don't know if you're still here op but this is perfectly normal 5 year old behaviour.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 13/04/2021 15:09

What in the Jeremey Kyle is going on here

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 15:14

@UhtredRagnarson

it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids".

I disagree with this. I think it absolutely is up to any adults involved to be responsible for their own actions and not just be led by their partner. I certainly wouldn’t do something a partner suggested was fine if I thought it wasn’t.

Absolutely what sofa replied.

OP doesn't have children and she's not going to base her life decisions around what's right for someone else's - she's going to do what feels right for herself.

If you're with someone with kids then they decide the line on what is OK and what isn't when it comes to the kids. If OP's partner thought it was OK for his children for him and OP to move in together then that's up to him to decide.

EnoughnowIthink · 13/04/2021 15:29

I don't know why everyone is slamming OP, it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids". That was HIS responsibility

Absolutely. Except, if he told her to jump off a cliff, would she?

There is too much 'not my responsibility' going on here. No, it absolutely isn't her responsibility to be looking after someone else's kids. But then nor is it her partner's responsibility to look out for her best interests - or those of his children - if the OP is daft enough to move in after 5 minutes without taking stock of how her partner parents and what his expectations might be in terms of her relationship with those chidren. If she'd moved even at a fair pace, she'd have seen a little bit more of his true colours and his expectations regarding his social life, his children and his partner. The biggest question is, how would she feel if those children were her own and she had had to stand by and watch whilst her ex moved in with someone after a couple of months? Presumably she'd have something to say about it.

Funnily enough, my ex moved straight in with his affair partner. Like the same day he walked out. We all had to put up with that. When I introduced a new partner to our children 6 years later (the first man I had introduced, to be clear), all hell broke loose. Because it's fine to do whatever you want but not so fine when you're standing by and watching the inevitable car crash.

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 15:33

Absolutely. Except, if he told her to jump off a cliff, would she?

Hmm Really?

There could be any number of reasons why they moved in together so soon. Maybe OP lost her job and so he offered? Maybe they were spending every night together anyway so why not?

If her DP assured her that it wouldn't be an issue for the kids then not sure why she'd be expected to think otherwise when she may not have the experience to know any different.

He is taking the piss by going out socialising and leaving her with the kids, but OP knows this and has now stopped it. How quickly they moved in together doesn't really matter.

excelledyourself · 13/04/2021 15:35

If you're with someone with kids then they decide the line on what is OK and what isn't when it comes to the kids.

Let's remember this next time there's a thread lambasting a Disney parent because the SP is no longer happy with how their parenting affects them.

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 15:36

The biggest question is, how would she feel if those children were her own and she had had to stand by and watch whilst her ex moved in with someone after a couple of months? Presumably she'd have something to say about it.

People just don't really think this way though do they - we don't base our life decisions on hypothetical "How would I feel about this if I was in a totally different situation?" scenarios. You base decisions on the the scenario you have.

She's not going to consider how his ex might feel about it and she can only take his word for how his children would likely feel about it. And all of this is totally separate from the advice she came here for anyway.

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 15:40

@excelledyourself

If you're with someone with kids then they decide the line on what is OK and what isn't when it comes to the kids.

Let's remember this next time there's a thread lambasting a Disney parent because the SP is no longer happy with how their parenting affects them.

I think you know I meant in terms of responsibility for the children's welfare when it comes to moving a partner in...only a parent can know when a child is ready for that.
Graphista · 13/04/2021 15:45

Honestly? If I were their mother I'd be absolutely livid and extremely concerned about his completely inappropriate behaviour in having you move in 2 months after you started dating and now only 7 months in leaving you in sole care of my kids!

Does their mother know this is going on? Have you met her?

Completely and utterly irresponsible and unacceptable way to do things.

Frankly this early on you shouldn't have even MET his kids let alone be regularly left in sole care of them!

What is he thinking?!

The poor kids head is probably spinning! And I'm wondering if he's done similar before and so she understandably doesn't see you as a permanent fixture and is resentful that when her father is SUPPOSED to be spending time with her he's buggering off and leaving her with you and in her clumsy 5 year old way she's trying to deal with the whole mess!

Stop agreeing to be left in sole care of the children and frankly you should also move out

This is all far far too much waaaaaay too soon

Poor kids!

You haven't had "rude and unnecessary" responses you've had understandably shocked and disgusted ones - as am I!

and I have told him after last week that I refuse to look after them again while he goes to play and he has agreed that this will no longer happen.

If that were true you wouldn't have posted how you did as it would no longer be an issue would it?

Respect is earned not automatically given.

You're 33?! I was expecting you to be early 20's with little experience with children. That's how you're coming across.

it just happened

Bull! You're both adults, he's a parent. Moving in doesn't "just happen" whatever the circumstances. He's prioritised his sex life and convenience in terms of NOT parenting his kids over the safety and welfare of said kids. Appalling!

and I don't know anyone who is in the same position.

Because no sensible adult would put themselves in this position nor the kids

Honestly, you sound like a stroppy teenager.

Agreed.

Nothing wrong with having a relationship with someone who has kids, there IS something wrong with dragging those kids into a relationship this early

The child is acting this way because she doesn't feel SAFE - that may "only" be emotionally but it's an absolutely stupid, inconsiderate and irresponsible thing for you and your boyfriend to have done.

Even IF the relationship succeeds the children will always know and feel that their needs weren't prioritised and that dad palmed them off onto his new girlfriend as soon as he could get away with it!

If the relationship doesn't succeed they will have to go through the trauma and distress of your breakup (not something small children should have to deal with) and frankly given how he's behaved I wouldn't be at all surprised if he blamed the kids!

I think asking for advice proves it isn’t all about OP

No it doesn't! She's moaning that a 5 year old she barely knows won't do an op tells her. She's annoyed about not being able to control the child that's not about the child's needs at all

My ex is now married to a former friend of mine who used to babysit dd when we were still together. Even so when we split and they got together all 3 of us adults still knew we needed to give her time to adjust and she didn't move in with ex straight away. That's what decent, child focused parents (inc step parents) do.

My ex's 2nd wife was a wonderful stepmother to dd and frankly if it weren't for her the whole situation could have been so much more difficult for dd. She went at dds pace, answered questions honestly and if dd in the early stages said she wanted dad to herself for a bit she stepped back.

She had ex's baby just a few months after split - that was far from ideal! But she made sure dd was made a fuss of as a big sister and even made sure dd was the first person after dad to see the new baby and the baby "got her a gift" too

There are good and bad ways to handle blended families and step parenting. This example here is among the worst

Lockdown is an excuse. A very poor one.

This issue wouldn't have arisen with a man who is a good, responsible dad and who has the makings of a good, equal partner.

Absolutely

it is not her responsibility to say to her partner "I'm not moving in yet because it's not fair on your kids". That was HIS responsibility

No - they're both grown ass adults who should know better

There have been a number of threads with ops dating men with children who are trying to move things along faster and the ops have rightly and understandably been shocked and concerned and when posting here been told "red flag" not only for cheeky fuckery but also because he clearly doesn't prioritise his dc. They have said to the boyfriends that things need to slow down. Absolutely no reason this op couldn't and shouldn't have recognised the ludicrous nature of the speed of moving her in.

I've been a single mum almost 20 years, in that time I have dated men with and without children of their own and come across men in both categories that tried to push to move things along far more quickly than was appropriate. I was perfectly capable and aware enough to say no! For dds, their kids and my sake!

Bibidy · 13/04/2021 15:52

You're 33?! I was expecting you to be early 20's with little experience with children. That's how you're coming across.

Why would being 33 mean OP has experience with children? I am a similar age and didn't have any experience with children until I met my DP's either. Just happened that my friends/family didn't have any yet.