Advice needed on a 5 year old

[emg1988]

Hi, I've just joined here and I'm looking for a bit of advice please. Apologies if this has been mentioned in any previous posts, I’ve had a look but there are so many I couldn’t find the answers to help me.

I've been with my partner since September 2020 and have been living with him since November due to the pandemic and numerous lockdowns we've had. He has two daughters: the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 5. We have the girls from Wednesday evening to Sat night/Sun morn at the moment, but this schedule changes every now and again, so the days aren’t always the same. I love both of them, but the 5-year-old often refers to me as her best friend but doesn't always listen to what I say, especially when I ask her to do something. It’s like she doesn’t see me as an adult, especially when my partner is not around. There have been occasions where he has gone out to run an errand or gone to play golf and I’m looking after the girls and have had to ask the 5-year-old to do something, but she doesn’t listen to me or she answers me back rudely or cheekily. I’ve had conversations with my partner, who is very supportive, and has tried to help but some days are obviously different to others and she mostly plays up when he is not around. Although there have been a few times where I’ve asked her to do something, and she has answered back in a rude or cheeky way and my partner has heard and told her off, but it still doesn’t seem to register with her.

I don’t know what has caused this, whether she’s just taking advantage because I’m not her mum or something, but it’s difficult because I now live with my partner permanently so I’m always around them.

When I first met the girls, she was trying her luck with everything because I was a new person to her, but it still feels like she is like this sometimes so it’s really hard to deal with, without getting so frustrated. It can also be stressful, emotional, and sometimes affects my anxiety.

Any advice from anyone who has been in this situation or is currently in a similar situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Happy to answer any further questions, just didn't want to put too much in here! TIA

I agree with other PPs that he shouldn't be leaving the kids with you. However, I'm not saying that out of concern for you but the ooor kids!!!

You moved in with their dad within 2 months of meeting. You've now known them 7 months and he's dumping them on you so you can play golf??!!

It's the kids I feel for here!!

When I was dating my DP I waited almost a year before they even met, and even then it was quite casual. Meeting at park for an hour, going for dinner etc.
Your expecting to discipline them within 7 months?? No wonder she's not listening

*I agree it's sudden but I'm old enough to make my own decision.
*
This says it all. It's not about YOU! FFS

@Mumbo1234

Christ, why are people so nasty and judgmental?!

OP was asking for advice, not for opinions on her relationship.

Yes, by some standards they have moved in quickly BUT we are in the middle of a pandemic with lockdown situations. Cut them some slack...adults including parents are allows a life!

Leaving them alone with an dads gf the odd time isn’t going to do harm. It might even help bond. People use babysitters that their children don’t know nearly as well.

Can’t people be supportive that OP is actually TRYING with her SC?

Step mums are damned if they do and damned if they don’t...

She's not a stepmum! She's barely even known the dad 6 months so she shouldn't be parenting his kids. She's asking why the 5 year old doesn't listen to her. Everyone's saying similar - she doesn't listen to her as the DSC doesn't see her as a parental figure. And neither she should!!

She’s five! In her short life she has had a sibling come along, her parents break up, a stranger move in with her dad and, despite not being experienced with children, take over the childcare because her dad isn’t there. Honestly, your concern is over her being what you think is cheeky?

[quote Mumbo1234]@Itlod1982
Do you expect teachers, childminders, babysitters, etc to wait 7 months before disciplining a child too?[/quote]
No but you expect them to have experience with children and know what is normal behaviour and what could be the consequence of a huge amount of upheaval and then being left with a stranger.

[quote Mumbo1234]@Itlod1982
I think asking for advice proves it isn’t all about OP.

Parents, step parents, adults are allowed feelings too. If you asked a lot of children, they’d say they don’t want daddy to move on but it can’t ALL be about them as long as they are considered.

It’s attitudes like that are the reason people in the 1950s used to stay in miserable marriages “for the children”.[/quote]
I was replying to the part of OPs post where she's claiming it's HER decision. My point is that it shouldn't be about HER.

I've not said people should stay in miserable marriage for the kids.
I'm divorced and have a DP who met my DD after almost a year of dating and it was done very gradually. He didn't stay overnight with her in the house til she'd been around him regularly for another (almost) year. If I had put myself first it wouldn't moved much faster but I was thinking about my DD and how she would feel about it and adapt.
My exH also has a new partner who is part of my DDs life but again this was gradual and my DD was the centre of their decision making

All other things aside, 5yo sounds like a typical 5yo to me - pushing boundaries, not listening to instructions, being cheeky. Par for the course.

Source: me (mum of 5yo girl)

I split up from my ex when my DC were 5 and 1 and he moved his new partner (OW) in very quickly - 2 months. I went absolutely ballistic - and although their relationship has lasted and they are now married with 2 more DC - I still strongly believed that he was absolutely in the wrong to do that and it could so easily have gone very badly for the DC. I only let my DC stay over if he promised his gf wouldn't be left in sole care of them and wouldn't do any "parenting" such as bath times, nappy changes, school pick ups. Due to the fact that he barely knew her. He agreed and we reached an uncomfortable compromise for a while. I strongly believe you trying to slip into these childrens lives like this is inappropriate.

You can't compare a random moving in with children to teachers and child care providers.

Professionals have background checks, references, training and experience. There are safety checks in place to protect children and ensure that appropriate adults are placed in positions of trust.

Bringing an unrelated adult into a child's life is a risk and there is no way two months is long enough to assess that risk. It's just selfish adults putting themselves first.

The only reason anyone is being at all understanding about the situation is because the op is a woman, a man moving in this quickly would have been given a much harder time.

[quote Mumbo1234]@Itlod1982
It’s lovely that worked for you but you can’t judge people for doing things differently.

Offer advice by all means but don’t throw judgy comments about.[/quote]
I wasn't saying everyone should wait as long as I did but you've implied I think everyone should stay in miserable marriages for the sake of the kids. My point was that I left an unhappy marriage and we both now have new DPs that are part of my DDs life. I also commented that my DDs SM also prioritised my DDs feelings -
so not step parent bashing.

OP was asking for advice/views on why her DPs daughter doesn't behave around her and tbh I'm genuinely surprised she's not lashing out more given the circumstances. She actually sounds like a typical 5 yr old to me.

I feel awful for the DSCs here and was trying to highlight that the situation is likely to create (understandable) behaviour issues.

[quote Mumbo1234]@ColourfulElmerElephant
To be fair, she’s not going to remember her sibling being born. Her parents could have split up three years ago (when she was 2), she probably won’t remember that either. She might not know any different.

Meeting dads new partner and then moving in is always upheaval no matter the circumstances. I agree but I don’t think any of that is an excuse to jump on OP.

If it was DM posting that they were struggling with their child being cheeky, nobody would react in this way.

Step parent bashing once again.[/quote]
But the thing is, I don’t really think she is being cheeky. She sounds like a five year old to me. The pandemic has been really hard on a lot of children. My bashing is on the parent (father) and I’m saying the OP is inexperienced with children to not realise that this is five year old behaviour and if it’s a little on the cheekier side of normal, it’s worth looking at what the little girl has gone through recently.

@LDom

Being as the youngest child is 3, she would have been 2.5 when op moved in with her partner.

I wonder how old she was when he split from her mother.

I fail to see what lockdown has to do with moving in together so quickly, would have thought the opposite was more likely.

However that's history now and the op has to deal with what is happening now.

It seems partner has conceded he shouldn't be going out when his children are staying so that's something.

Lockdown is an excuse. A very poor one.

@excelledyourself

This is not he first time that people have said on various threads that they needed to move in after only knowing each for very short periods of time and in most instances the reason given was the pandemic.

I have not been able to make the connection between the pandemic and the need to move in with a virtual stranger. What am I missing? I am not being judgemental or critical; I just have not been able to make the connection.

Can someone provide a brief explanation? I am not trying to hijack the thread, but this seemed like a good point to ask the question. If there is no brief explanation available then please ignore the question. Was there some kind of different move in restrictions in different parts of the world related to the pandemic?

@Tiredoftattler I've got no idea in this situation tbh. I don't buy it either.

I'm in the UK and I understand why some people felt the need last March/April/May when there was no household mixing at all, regardless of situation. Some new couples who had started dating pre-lockdown and were in new relationships felt they had to choice isolating together or not seeing each other at all.

However, around May/June (not entirely sure of timescales but well before September when OP met her DP) the extended household/bubbles were introduced so that adults living alone (or only living with under 12s) could stay in their own houses but mix with one other household with no restrictions at all.

I'm assuming at least OPs DP (and possibly OP) lived alone at this point so I'm not sure why the pandemic forced them to move in together so quickly?!

I’m glad others have raised the “moved in quickly because of lockdown” question. I’ve seen it on so many of these threads and I just don’t get why lockdown would mean you move in so quickly with a brand new romantic interest. I can’t use partner here as they really aren’t a partner 2 months into dating them.

You are indeed free to do what you want and make decisions that work for you.

However when this comes with inevitable consequences you can't expect miracles. From what you've written, it seems you are doing very well and are lucky the kids have accepted you so easily into their lives.

The eldest doesn't see you as an authority figure because she has no reasons too. You haven't been long in her life to accept you as such, especially if you've acted as a very nice person to win her. Add maybe a bit of a naturally bossy attitude and that's that.

As said, your OH should be the one discipling them for the time being and shouldn't expect you to take over for him.