Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

You and your partner seem to have different views of what you want in a relationship. You want to have a marriage experience without the benefit of marriage. Perhaps he is not looking for a marriage experience and that may in large part be why he is not married.

He may view you as a great companion or girlfriend , but he may not be looking for a family experience. He does not seem to have a need or desire to blend or mix much of anything, and he seems pretty open in indicating his desire to keep separate certain aspects of his life.

You may both be great people, but your life view and life goals may not be similar or even compatible.

Why not live apart and just see him as a dating partner. You might be less inclined to be hurt by his compartmentalized life if you were not living with him.

It sounds as though you may be trying to find the experiences that you did not find or have in your marriage.

From what little information that you have provided, this man may not be the Prince Charming who will provide you with a happy ever after ending.

If you want a different experience, you may have to find a partner who wants the kind of experience that you are seeking, and some times not every toad turns into a prince.

Have I understood correctly - you don't want him to go to the caravan (which he bought?) without you and your kids, but it's OK to go without his daughter?

That doesn't seem quite fair. Either all three children in this relationship are treated equally or they are not.

I really can’t see a problem with him going to the caravan with his DD and his mum. You seem to think that your new family setup should be like an idealised traditional one, and that’s not the case - your partner and his DD and his mum are a little subset together. It shouldn’t be offensive to you, but it rightly acknowledges that fact.

Why should he take your children to visit his mum? She's not their grandparent.

You sound to be on different pages with your expectations of a relationship. A friend of mind recently split from his partner for this very reason - she really wanted always together, typical family life and he wanted more space to do his thing with his children. Neither was wrong but they just didn’t gave the same aims in life.

You sound like you want everything your way with no room for compromise.

All he has with his dd is 6 days a month, of course he's going to prioritise some of that time with her.

No matter how much you want things to be the same as if you were with your children's dad, that isn't your reality. Trying to brush that under the carpet does absolutely nobody any good.

It would probably also do your boys some good to have you to themselves without your partner occasionally too.

DH and I have two boys, we both make time to do things 1:1 with them. It's great if you've found a man who is a decent step dad to your children, but what you perceive his child's life to be doesn't mean she doesn't need time with her dad without the rest of you.

Have you talked about your needs and his? Is he looking to be married, or to live like that now?

Also, I don't think you can tell him not to use his caravan, how he wants, and then try and use it yourself when sd is away, that's not cool

I'm sorry I'm with him too.

Not a value judgement, it's a relationship. You're allowed to want what you want but there's absolutely nothing wrong with his way either.

I think it's fair enough, too.

His daughter probably wants time with her dad and Gran too, without a new stepmum and two boys who probably irritate her around.

I think you’re trying to re-create a nuclear family. But blended families are different. It’s important to honour the subset of people involved, particularly as grandparents don’t always want to acquire extra grand children.

I think it’s good he wants to do things separately. IME most men are too lazy!

I think if you want to re create a nuclear
Family you need to probably be with someone else.

Another one here thinking he is entirely reasonable to want to spend some time with his daughter and mum in the caravan. You aren't in a nuclear family, but in a blended family, which has different dynamics.

As PPs have said, you simply want different things from this set up.
His daughter having piano lessons has no bearing on whether she deserves quality time just with her dad in is caravan.
Your children are with you 100% of the time, which you as their mother love. It’s a big demand of partner that they also can’t think of anything better than to have your kids 100% of the time too.
This man has probably been on MN and decide that his relationship with his pre teen needs a bit of space and decided to invest in that. Good for him.
You’re understandably saddened that your childrens father turned out to be worthless, but the answer isn’t to make your partner pretend he’s their father. He’s not.

Another here who thinks that him, his daughter and mum should be able to spend time together, without the rest of you. If you never mixed as a greater size group and this was still happening in five years time then I’d assume that his mother isn’t so keen and he’s doing it for that reason. But that is a few years ahead, for now I’d give them this time alone. If he could invite his mother to some whole mixed family get togethers in the meantime I’d be happy with that. His priority has to be his daughter and he has to find his own way. It’s hard being a separated dad and doing the right thing by everyone. The quality time is diluted when there are more people in the mix. Him, his daughter and mum, can and should want to spend time together, as a three.

I'm not sure about all the dates as you say you've been together under a year but split up for 14 months. But if you haven't been together for a year yet, you seem very needy in your rush to create a family, have a SD, but at this point you are 2 families, seeing if you can become one. Don't push things, he is entitled to do whatever he wants in his spare time and I'm sure after being in the RAF, he's enjoying being home with HIS family, his dd and dm. There's plenty of time to get to know yours.

I agree with him, you seem a little stifling. His daughter should be able to have 1 on 1 time with her dad and grandma without you and your children being present. She didn't choose to have a relationship with you, it was thrust on her and its important her dad can prioritise her. I think maybe you'd find it easier to be with someone without any children.

I think your expectations are very different and you either need to find a middle ground or end it.
He is perfectly entitled to a night with his mum and daughter. He is not excluding you, you say in the post you all go away together as well so that is blending the family. A nuclear family is different to a blended family and he is allowed to prioritise quality time with his daughter like I would expect you to with your sons.

You sound very intense. Give him space to spend time with his DD and DM. I assume the child has not seen her Gran very much recently and I don’t understand why you are jealous of their family time. It sounds generally like you are jealous of the child’s life and resent that she has two loving, caring parents and your sons have not.

Why don’t you take a step back for now, let DP have timr with his mum and daughter and you can have plenty of blended family time together. Surely you can also do things with your sons or alone? Do your sons constantly want to be with your DP and his DD? I doubt it

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I honestly think you need to spend some time coming to terms with the loss of a "traditional nuclear family." You've said lots of times "why shouldn't I" have a life just like someone who's still in that, and the honest answer is because you are not anymore. Your life is somewhat different, you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole. You may not ever be a "family of five" and if you are, it might take a good few years longer to get there. You may find you're the only person in the situation that WANTS it to be like that. You are already coming across that with your partner, but it may also be the case for your kids and his. That's ok, there isn't only one type of family, you just need to come to terms with the fact that yours doesn't fit what you imagined.

And as an aside, surely you can see that he's not unreasonable to take his daughter to the caravan he bought without you?

OP. I was in a LTR with a man who had children. I have my own children. We hit really tough patches and I sought counselling to help (with someone who specialises in step families).
In that counselling the counsellor advised that the biggest mistake people try to make is to recreate a nuclear family when (bluntly) it isn’t one. The reality (from her point of view) is that the children/ parent are their own separate families with their own specific needs. Each family must prioritise 121 time with that parent/ child (without the new partner/ partners children being present). If the couple go onto have a ‘their’ baby, that is family number three and that family will have its little dynamic. I whole heartedly agree with her.

This isn’t about ‘excluding’ anyone but recognising a few key facts.

1. Children want 121 time with their parent. I have my children 60% of the time but even when I was in a LTR I always ensured we had at least one holiday a year just me and them. It is really important bonding time (even more so for NRP’s)
2. A divorce / break down of a nuclear family (especially if it wasn’t your choice) is hard. My exh cheated on me and that lead to the breakdown of my family. You need to accept that loss and not try and recreate it/ force your need to recreate it on your partner. It’s not his responsibility to fill that gap, unless he wants to. Have you done any counselling to work on this area?
3. Life goals/ compatibility. Do you both want the same thing longer term? My exp was a little like you, he wanted a partner very hands on and involved with his children. He wanted to recreate ‘family.’ I had zero interest in doing that. He was not wrong, nor was I. But we both wanted very different things, which ultimately lead to my walking away. Forcing your kids on someone is not an attractive quality.

What I do want to ask is you say he cheated. That’s a huge breach of trust, how has that been resolved? I’m asking because my question is, is this caravan issue about ‘family’ or a wider underlying issue around trust?

What if he said he’s off surfing in the caravan for a long weekend by himself/ with a mate to decompress? He has plenty of free nights given he only has his Dd 6 nights a month. Would that be acceptable to you? Or do you want him with you / your children doing the family thing?

@sassbott some very good advice here.

OP, my DF took me on a holiday with his new DP and her DD when I was 12. I liked them both but needed 121 time with him and found the dynamic very difficult. Surely you understand that a girl that age also needs to spend time with her DF. I promise you she won’t want to go on caravan holidays in 3 years latest. Let them enjoy some time together (and really we are only talking about ONE night not the whole Easter break)

Thank you for all your comments. I'm still new to this and can't figure out how to reply to individual posts so thought I would do a general reply.

I take on board the comments about my expectations of a nuclear family within a blended family. I understand that this is difficult but I want it none the less. My partner knows that this is my expectation of our relationship and he's promised it to me. I wouldn't have taken him back if he didn't. So what I want from him isn't news to him. We've talked about him adopting my two children in the future. So from the word go he's known that I want a family with all five of us.

I know that one on one time is important with a parent but does one on one time need to be away from everyone else? My children don't have one to one time with me as they are always together. My oldest might pop downstairs while my youngest is upstairs on his Xbox end we will watch something together and vice versa. But walks are always together. Going to my parents or brothers house is always together. So are my children lacking one to one time with their mother?

My partner has good intentions and he's kind but he isn't hands on with the children. He's used to having the women in his life do the parenting... if that makes sense. He will come in from work and watch sport on the tv... even when his daughter is here!!! He has his daughter 6 nights a month since schools opened back up and his usual routine resumed (personally I think he should have her more since he retired). During lockdown he had his daughter 50/50 because his ex wife is a teacher and needed help with childcare! I'm also a teacher but hey Ho. My partner worked all of lockdown so I was at home with three children most of the time and working from home etc. His daughter loves spending time at our home because I've made a beautiful bedroom that she designed with me. I've made her very comfortable here and kitted her out with some new clothes as she's grown up a bit and needed some trainer bras etc. I've learned to braid hair because she likes to have two braids. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet but I know the efforts I make and I know she loves spending time with me and my boys as we are all very loving. Granted the kids don't always get on but that's normal isn't it. Recently, since schools opened and she stays over on a Sunday I take all three kids to separate schools on a Monday. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that when she is here I'm in the role of mother and I do a good job of it. Surely when I'm expected to create this family life for his daughter I should be getting the same in return.

I suppose that I give a lot of love and kindness to my partner and his daughter and I just want a family in return. He enjoys the life I've created here so it hurts when he wants to get away with his mother! But maybe his mother is the issue and he's trying to please her and she doesn't want me and the boys around. That wouldn't surprise me i suppose but again... it don't think he should please his mother over me!

I think you're glossing over the trust issues after the Facebook messaging. You want a happy ever after, but pushing for complete family integration is your wish. It doesn't sound like his. And that's not a bad thing. Time without you and your kids, just him and his DD is important, why do you see them having time on their own as a problem? Are the trust issues still there?

@Justmuddlingalong

I think you're glossing over the trust issues after the Facebook messaging. You want a happy ever after, but pushing for complete family integration is your wish. It doesn't sound like his. And that's not a bad thing. Time without you and your kids, just him and his DD is important, why do you see them having time on their own as a problem? Are the trust issues still there?

I don't think the trust issues are there and I don't think he will break the trust between us again.

I just want what's promised to me and that's a family unit. In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other. It seems that you are focusing on his one to one time with his daughter as being my trigger. This isn't the case at all but is one to one time just being alone in a space with someone? I know for a fact that his mother will be doing all the things I was doing at the caravan last weekend and he will be sat on his phone or watching sports while his daughter is on tik tok! Is that one to one time?

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other.
That is a very strange and unhealthy attitude IMHO.

@Justmuddlingalong

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other. That is a very strange and unhealthy attitude IMHO.

Most of my close friends are married or in serious relationships and they don't go off on their own for the night or weekends! I'm sure if their partners suggested it they wouldn't like it. They make plans together. Surely that's normal!