Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

His DD and and his DM are his family.

@Toddlerteaplease

Why should he take your children to visit his mum? She's not their grandparent.

Why shouldn't he? When I visit my parents or other family and his daughter is with me I take her and she has a lovely time. I wouldn't go and visit my family and leave her in the house

OP, it seems like you are very keen to create the family that you always dreamed of, and that you want your partner to be a father for your boys. You even mentioned a possibility that he might adopt them at some point. That's all lovely, and it isn't unreasonable to want this, if he is also on the same page.

The thing is, your dc are with you (and therefore with him) full time, whereas his daughter is only with him for 6 days a month plus any extra time in holidays. That is a massive imbalance and he is probably acutely aware of it. He will be trying to redress this imbalance by spending special 1:1 time with his daughter when he gets the chance. I think this is fair enough. By insisting that you and your dc are included in everything while your dsd is around, on top of everything that he does with you when she is with her mum, you are effectively asking him to be more of a father to your dc than he is to his own daughter. That isn't reasonable.

You obviously had a terrible time with your dc's father and it's very sad that they can't have a relationship with their dad. It's understandable that you want your partner to fill that hole for them, but it's equally understandable that he feels an obligation to be fair to his dd.

I know that one on one time is important with a parent but does one on one time need to be away from everyone else? My children don't have one to one time with me as they are always together. My oldest might pop downstairs while my youngest is upstairs on his Xbox end we will watch something together and vice versa. But walks are always together. Going to my parents or brothers house is always together. So are my children lacking one to one time with their mother?

With respect, your son's are brothers. It's natural that they get less one on one time with their mother whom they both share. Your step daughter is not their sister. She will be used to having 1 on 1 time with her Dad and wider family (Gran). She should be allowed to continue that.

I understand it's what you want, you've said so plenty of times in your post but, and I don't mean to sound rude, you don't seem to post anything about what anyone else may want. Your step daughter probably doesn't want your son's tagging along every time she goes to see her grandma. I would hate as a child to suddenly have to share my grandma's attention with two other children she hasn't even known that long.

I agree with PPs you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You need to either let go of this nuclear family you're trying to replicate or move on but trying to force it on others is not the way to go.

I don't think your partner has done anything wrong tbh.

I understand that you yearn for a man in your family and a father for your boys. I sympathise. But although it is your dream, everyone else in the scenario is awake.
You want your sons to be adopted by a man who you think may have cheated on you? Whose parenting style is very different to yours? Whose daughter your sons don’t get on with? Who does not see you all as a nuclear family and has made that plain?
Just enjoy this for what it is - it sounds quite nice actually - but no, it is not a nuclear family. As a pp pointed out, the only person who wants that out of the 5 of you is you.

Why shouldn't he? When I visit my parents or other family and his daughter is with me I take her and she has a lovely time. I wouldn't go and visit my family and leave her in the house

But OP, there is a massive disparity between the amount of time that your dsd has with her dad and you have with your boys. If dsd lived with you full time, I would feel that you had a point, but she doesn't.

I wouldn't go and visit my family and leave her in the house

There is nothing wrong with leaving her with her Dad at home whilst your son's go and spend time with your (their) family.

Have you actually thought about what anyone else in this situation may want other than yourself? I know that sounds cruel but I'm genuinely curious. Maybe your son's would like to just spend some time alone with their family or even you, without your partner and his daughter?

Why don't you take your son's away for the weekend when he's at the caravan with his daughter and mum?

You may wish you were but you aren't the same as a family where the children share all same parents and wider family. There will be differences and that's okay. It's far more damaging for everyone involved imo to pretend there isn't any.

I think it’s pretty normal in first families for one parent to sometimes take the kids to visit their own parents. Mine certainly did when I was a kid. I don’t think that’s in any way strange or unusual.

I agree with PPs I think you are desperate for a father for your boys, which I do understand but please don't try and force your 'ideal' on everyone else in this situation. It won't end well.

I think you're being a bit over sensitive due to your past experiences, understandably. I'm in a traditional family unit, no other partners, step kids etc and we do sometimes split off and do our own thing. I sometimes go skiing with the oldest 2 and DH sometimes takes the youngest 2 to see his parents etc (mainly becasue all above involve flights and 6 people going anywhere on a plane is ££££). Nobody feels left out as long as you do plenty together as well.

@Coronawireless

I understand that you yearn for a man in your family and a father for your boys. I sympathise. But although it is your dream, everyone else in the scenario is awake. You want your sons to be adopted by a man who you think may have cheated on you? Whose parenting style is very different to yours? Whose daughter your sons don’t get on with? Who does not see you all as a nuclear family and has made that plain? Just enjoy this for what it is - it sounds quite nice actually - but no, it is not a nuclear family. As a pp pointed out, the only person who wants that out of the 5 of you is you.

The children do get on. Not for every minute of the time they spend together.... but surely that's normal. On the whole they get on well.

The children do get on. Not for every minute of the time they spend together.... but surely that's normal. On the whole they get on well

It is normal. And it's also normal in a blended family which is what you are, for the children to spend time with their own families be that grandparents, parent etc... On their own.

I think trying to force yourself and your son's into every situation with him and his DD you seriously risk creating resentment between the children tbh.

@Justmuddlingalong

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other. That is a very strange and unhealthy attitude IMHO.

Indeed bizarre. My DH wants to go camping with our DD, I don’t want to. So in your view they shouldn’t be allowed? It’s healthy to have time away from each other. I think you are chasing some fantasy of a perfect family that doesn’t exist.

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

It's more a case of people are "allowed" to do different things.

@DoodleDJ

I think you're being a bit over sensitive due to your past experiences, understandably. I'm in a traditional family unit, no other partners, step kids etc and we do sometimes split off and do our own thing. I sometimes go skiing with the oldest 2 and DH sometimes takes the youngest 2 to see his parents etc (mainly becasue all above involve flights and 6 people going anywhere on a plane is ££££). Nobody feels left out as long as you do plenty together as well.

This - it's totally normal and healthy, even within the most 'traditional' of nuclear families never mind blended families for every member of that family to have their own individual hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes and to spend leisure time both individually and as sub sets of the family doing that. You say all the couples/nuclear families you know 'wouldn't dream' of making plans separately but I think the reverse, the only couples and families I know who are totally joined at the hip and spend every single evening, weekend, holiday all together all the time are the ones that actually have issues, it's stifling, restrictive and indicative usually of a lack of trust or jealousy somewhere along the line.

It sounds like you've had a rough time and I totally sympathise but I think for this relationship to work you and your DP need to be able to let each other have time as individuals, time alone as a couple, time with your children and time all as one big blended family - that's not an unreasonable expectation from your DP and not IMO a sign of lack of commitment to the family or caring about you - if he's an arse and doesn't pull his weight in other ways then that's different of course.

No, that isn't what people are saying at all. The issue is you have a skewed idea of what a normal family life is! They don't stay glued to each other all the time. They do separate activities, don't all visit family members at the same time etc. Why do you feel all nuclear families never have time apart? Regardless of that, you are a blended family whether you want to be or not. All the kids deserve time solely with their parent and/or their side of the family. Why should your step daughter share time with her gran every visit?

You haven't listened to what people have said, or rather you haven't taken it on board.

OP you are not a traditional family set up no matter how much you wish for that. Your SD has different sets of GP that want to see her without your children. Isn’t that understandable?
Also seriously why do you have to do everything together and why is everything about you? What do your sons want and what does your SD want?

I don't think there's set rules, but you do need to compromise your ideas somewhat, as does he.

You have a very 'all or nothing' attitude. The biggest thing a blended family needs is compromise on all sides.

You sound so resentful of your partners child having any time with him, given how little time she gets with her dad, your boys have her dad more than she does, stop being so selfish.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

I don't think that's what the conclusion is at all. Of course you can reasonably expect to be a 'family unit', but being a family unit doesn't mean you can't sometimes spend time apart. Of course you can/should include your SD with your family and your DC with his, but perhaps sometimes given she only spends limited time with you spending time with her Dad or her own (biological) grandparents needs to be prioritised.

That's not 'living divided lives' that's just reality of a blended family where there are so many extra sets of interests and a much bigger wider family circle to consider - but as I say even in a nuclear family it is NOT the norm that in order to be a unit you have to be constantly with one another - some families are by necessity totally divided from one another for weeks or months at a time, does that mean they're no longer a family, no of course not. If you aren't happy with your relationship then by all means fix it, or leave, but don't pretend it's because he wanted to spend a weekend away from you, it must run much deeper than that?

OP, it sounds like you and DP have different expectations and neither wants to compromise.

Also, it sounds like to are taking the burden of wife work with DSD, it’s nice of you to do so but when dad doesn’t, it sounds as if he just needs someone to do his parenting for him.

We are a nuclear family and we spend time away from each other, your sons may benefit from full 1:1 with you even if it’s just a few times a year. We’ve always done that due to differing interests.

Wouldn’t you look forward to a caravan break just you and sons?

It sounds like he just wants a housemaid to be honest.

I think that most step families operate like your partner envisions with children getting some one on one time with their parent. Don't you ever take one of your kids out and do something with them? If not, you should consider it when possible because most kids enjoy and benefit from it. I think that it's fine that he sometimes spends time with just his dd - she shouldn't be penalised because your boys don't have a Dad around. I know that your goal is for him to adopt your boys but how is he going to be a man worthy of the Dad title when he's not actually doing any of the donkey work of parenting? If my kids were going to be adopted, I'd need a man who would take over if I became ill or unable to look after the kids.

If I were you I’d split up. Or have a relationship that doesn’t include the children.

It’s a fairly short relationship, your expectations don’t align. While you waste time with him you could be missing out on someone who does share your ideals of a family unit.