Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

When scanning over this feed there is such a mix of feedback

That's what this place is for. You ignore advice that doesn't apply to you, consider advice that might and try a few things. If someone says you hate your DSD you think, "nope" and move on. You don't only engage with that and assume everyone is wrong.

You have a very clear and burning sense of how you believe people, and families, should be. A few mixed comments should be positive. You appear to be rigid and black and white here, and in real life. Families, especially blended families, are about compromise. OK so you would prefer to be together all the time. But is it OK, and another perfectly acceptable way to behave, for different members of the family to have one on one time? Yes or no? If yes, you should probably just roll with it. You can't force everyone to live your version of a perfect life. They have their own version of that.

And yes, my mum agrees with me all the time too, even when I'm being an idiot. Because she loves me. And I'm hard headed. Sometimes you need told.

@Greenhillsofhome123

Well this was an experience! This was my first post on this site and it will be my last. I didn't post here because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I genuinely thought that I'd engage with people who have experienced the same issues and could pass on advice. I do believe that some people were able to read my comments and truly understand what I was trying to communicate and in turn help me.... but these people are very limited. Thank you to those of you who did try to help. I will take on your advice.

So many of you generalise! Oh my gosh! I'm a step mother so I must hate having my step daughter around and I want my partner all to myself.... wow! I know who I am and I know how much love and care I give to the people in my life, most of all the children. I feel that an issue like I am facing needs to be advised by people who know me. People who know more background etc. This site is no good for life advise and I feel for anyone who has to solely rely on this site rather than friends and family. I'm lucky enough to have a support network and this afternoon when I took my boys to play football in the glorious sunshine at a nearby astroturf (precious 1 on 1 time) I also met my mother and confided in her.... thank the lord ay!!!!!

When scanning over this feed there is such a mix of feedback. Something that struck me was how quickly assumptions were made about me as a person. So many went straight to me hating my step daughter and wanting my partner all for my boys! Also, the adoption that I mentioned early on was used as such a negative. I do one day hope for this to happen but it's not something that will be rushed.

Thank you to the people who offered constructive advice. You know who you are. Take care x

Wow. What can people do other than offer general advice on an anonymous forum? You asked for opinions. Lots of people who have lived through similar circumstances (and some who've found it hard to do and had therapy for it and found it helpful and wise) shared their insights with you, and your reaction is to attack everybody? I've seen nobody here being unpleasant or mean or unreasonable to you. Just people asking you to be realistic and also respect your childrens' wishes and needs, and your step daughter's wishes and needs, and not try to force everyone into some idealised imaginary idea in your head of what a family "should" be.

This thread has made me really sad OP. If you won't listen to anybody I think not only will you collapse this relationship but you'll massively damaged his child and yours in the process of trying to force them into a stereotypical idea in your head which they can never be, and doesn't matter anyway.

You posted anonymously on a forum to solicit anonymous opinions from anonymous posters and now you're shocked that the advice wasn't specific enough and that people made assumptions about who you are because they don't know you at all? I really don't think you've got the point of Mumsnet.

What do you want people to say op?
That your ideas are completely right, that a child with divorced parents should never, ever expect to spend time alone with the parent they don't live with?
Your mother agreed with you so what?
What are you going to do force this man who by your own admission is not great with his own child, to adopt your 2 kids, why would he do that. He is not their step father you are not married.
Your family and friends will agree with you, of course they will, your boyfriends family and friends will agree with him. Perhaps his mother wants to spend time with her grandchild and not yours, that's perfectly natural. It does not make her a bad person.

OP For God's sake don't get pregnant in an attempt to force a fix on this situation. Your expectations are unreasonable and adding another child to the mix is not fair to the new child or to the existing ones.

You have a very idealistic view of what a nuclear family is like. It can be lovely to split up and have time in smaller groups then get back together again - we did that quite a bit with our three children during my 20 year marriage.

You seem so scared you’re missing out. Be a bit more independent - it serves you well whatever the relationship. You do sound rather me me me and it does sound like you’re getting in the way of general family contentment by your insistence on absolutes.

By the time all of this happened, your DS would be a few years older, what's the point in adoption at this age?

The inheritance for her kids that they won’t be getting from their father.

As a teacher you are very rigid and uncompromising in your views, lots of families spend time apart, I have been married over 32 years but my DH and DS happily go off camping, skiing, golf breaks etc without me - or just to visit other friends or family members. You would be shocked that we actually spent Christmas apart a couple of years ago, they wanted to go skiing, I didn't, - I was very happy to stay home alone rather than endure what to me is a cold, miserable holiday .

When I grew up (in a 'nuclear' family) we would have time apart - a lovely weekend in Paris with just my mum, spa trips, my brothers had ski trips with one or other parent ... families don't need to be together 24/7.

I should think your sons would probably enjoy some one on one time with you - not easy if you don't have childcare but surely if one of them wanted to see a specific film or go to a certain event and the other didn't would you automatically drag the other along? Even my parents at 90 still like doing 'their own thing' (pre Covid) and having time alone.

Life isn't always being together and joined at the hip ... maybe you need to learn to enjoy your own company and not rely on other people to provide your happiness.

The only issue OP is your vision of family life. You make it clearly, you want to build a family life that is standard of the majority of non recomposed family, yet unconventional for most recomposed ones.

I would have never agreed to what you want in my new relationship. My kids and I had a history, habits, customs, that were formed excluded my OH. These were important and therefore something I wanted to keep.

I'm different when I am with my kids without my OH to when we are all together. I don't feel the need to ensure my actions reflect my OH's needs and that's nice for myself and my kids. I can focus in them, do things that we grew to love to do together that my OH might not care much for and overall, it is just a different dynamic that I also enjoy.

Say, you seem to approach this in the basis that because it's what you want, because he made a pro.use you interpreted to mean what you wanted to hear, this should be how things go. You don't come across as wanting to hear his perspective.

Yet ultimately, what you want us not the norm. It doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered, but it is unfair to demand it and put pressure on your OH.

Just to add that many blended families are very happy, united and consider themselves as one family without doing everything together. It even happens in non recomposed families much more often than you seem to think.

Yesterday 23:18Greenhillsofhome123

Teardrop2021

I think your being ridiculous and selfish tbh. DH DS and his grandad all went away in the minivan for the night in the summer, this was without me and dd who had a girls night together. It was nice for DS to spend some quality time and dd to spend time with me. They are both full siblings but sometimes its nice for them to do things separately.

Yeah I'm really selfish. Probably one of the most selfish people to ever post on on this platform!! You of course are amazing and totally selfless all of the time... go you!

I clearly hit a nerve. There's no way you're a teacher, you won't listen to reason and have a narrow view. You want a replacement dad for your dc at the expense of his dd having one to one time with her df and her grandmother.

Your eldest is 14.
You're not even married to him
You've had a 14 month split

The courts would want evidence of a stable commited relationship or marriage. 100 percent this. This is a complete utter shit show an unstable relationship, trust issues, controlling behaviour.

@Teardrop2021

Yesterday 23:18Greenhillsofhome123

Teardrop2021

I think your being ridiculous and selfish tbh. DH DS and his grandad all went away in the minivan for the night in the summer, this was without me and dd who had a girls night together. It was nice for DS to spend some quality time and dd to spend time with me. They are both full siblings but sometimes its nice for them to do things separately.

Yeah I'm really selfish. Probably one of the most selfish people to ever post on on this platform!! You of course are amazing and totally selfless all of the time... go you!

I clearly hit a nerve. There's no way you're a teacher, you won't listen to reason and have a narrow view. You want a replacement dad for your dc at the expense of his dd having one to one time with her df and her grandmother.

Your eldest is 14.
You're not even married to him
You've had a 14 month split

The courts would want evidence of a stable commited relationship or marriage. 100 percent this. This is a complete utter shit show an unstable relationship, trust issues, controlling behaviour.

Let's keep it going as long as possible shall we.... just keep dragging it out.... just keep commenting.... keep being patronising because you're life must be so perfect! This thread is surely down now.... surely!

OP you asked for opinions. Don't throw a strop because you received them.

What did you want people to say op?

@QBjournal

What did you want people to say op?

What she wanted to hear and nothing else I imagine.

The truth is sometimes too hard to see. If the OP actually listens to what is being said. What is involved is a lot of work on herself. Her self esteem, her confidence, her control issues. Control typically manifests where there is huge insecurity/ loss elsewhere.

The OP is refusing to process her loss/ grief and instead is hellbent on getting ‘what she wants.’
If I am being kind - I feel intense sympathy at the wider underlying issues here.
If I’m unkind, I think the Op is deeply selfish, is intent on having her needs met and come what May, those around her will fulfil them.

We all know none of these kids actually want this set up. They’re just going along with it, because what choice do they actually have?

I don't think it's a control issue. I think it's an unrealistic expectation and OP struggling to accept that her vision of happy family life doesn't have to her her OH's.

OP, you've separated once already. It must have been really hard and so is starting again. You need to consider things from his perspective. You can put pressure on him to give you what you want and pretend you are a normal mum, dad and kids family, but if he's not happy with this set up, how is your relationship going to evolve?

@Greenhillsofhome123 you write these sarcastic and aggressive posts back to people but ignore every single point people have raised.

Why don't you think it's ok for families to soend time with different family members at different times?

Why is it unreasonable for your partner to soend some one-to-one time with his daughter when he sees her obly six days per month and has much more time with your children than his own?

Why is it ok for your boys to do stuff in this caravan when his daughter isn't there, but no vice versa?

Have your boys actually said that they want this man you have chosen, to be their afopted father?

Why are you so desperate to pretend this is a nuclear family when it is not? Do you feel inferior for some reason and think pretending to be a "nuclear" family would be better? If so, why?

I don't think you'll really get past any of this until you address these questions.

Try not to run your gob at people who posted on your shitty thread. Your rants should be directed at your deadbeat boyfriend who doesn’t parent, doesn’t perform basic adult duties yet has you tripping over yourself to pander to him.

Op doesn't want to be told she's in the wrong, she wants to be told she's absolutely right and she should stand her ground. She refuses to take on valid points people have made and is throws a strop when she doesn't like the answers. She's asked strangers to give feedback to her situation people who are not emotionally involved like her mother and well say what she want to hear. The majority of has stated the same thing that the dd should be able to have time away with op and her boys when she's happy to do the same when she's not there. There is no reasoning with op she won't take on board the valid points people has made because she wants full control of the situation the relationship is completely doomed because ops dp doesn't meet up to her expections in recreating a 'nuclear' family unit which isn't possible because they are a blended family unit.

OP, I hope you can tune out the hateful things that are said and extract some helpful information (iit’s amazing what people will say under the cover of anonymity).

From reading your posts and the thread, I think it is true that your boyfriend (despite what he promised) does not have the same definition of being an integrated “family” as you do. But that’s not necessarily a dealbreaker or evil. Even in non-blended families, adults bring separate expectations to the partnership/family. Everyone has to work through it. The question is, is there enough overlap between each person’s idea of happiness for them both to be happy in the relationship? Is there respect, flexibility, and understanding going both directions? You need to sort this for yourself.

From being a childhood member of a blended family I can understand both “sides" - wanting to not be considered on the “outer circle” of an inner, seemingly more important sub-unit, AND your step daughter needing to have private 1:1 time with her father. I do think (especially since she sees him only 6 days a month) the 1:1 time is very important (he sees your boys ~30 days a month). His wanting to see his daughter independently doesn’t automatically mean he sees you and your sons as generally excludable. But the way he spends time with you/them (daily life) is different than the way he spends time with his daughter (more concentrated times). And, I think it would be very helpful for you to think about, in a positive way, how you and your sons constitute another sub-unit. Everyone has membership in both the larger family, AND an individual sub-unit. Everyone belongs somewhere; no one has fewer memberships. Your sub-unit of you and your sons is valid and important.

The caravan situation may be a particular trigger/sore point for you that brings up deeper things. First, from your description it sounds like he purchased the caravan while you were apart. It’s something he acquired independently. Even in non-blended families where everything is joint financially between married adults, people still have senses of individual possession (Just to give a generic example, we have joint finances in my marriage, and purchased two cars from them, but each of us selected and maintains our “own” car. I wouldn’t like if it my husband blocked me from using, or tried to tell me what to do with “my” car, and I wouldn’t do the same to him with “his” car, unless there were circumstances of urgency that merited it). Are there things that you own, that you acquired independently, that that you might feel similarly about?

You need to sort for yourself, do you think he views the caravan as something he can access alone, yet block and your sons you from accessing? (this feeling might bring up past trust issues). Or...is this a situation where the main point isn’t to set a precedent about you not being welcome at the caravan; but he’s simply trying to get some 1:1 time with his daughter and his side of the family, and it’s an obvious, appropriate resource he can use? No commenter can answer this question for you, but it seems key to unpicking what this situation represents to you; it clearly hits a nerve that touches on something deeper.

For the above, I’m not saying one person is right and one is wrong about how you and your boyfriend view family integration / the caravan. The first step to helping yourself is to unpick the different perspectives (yours/his) and see what the deeper philosophies are behind them.

Good luck.

Messaging other women, back with feet under the table but still expecting you to pick up the childcare slack while he sits back?

I bet he enjoys the life you’ve created!

Dump him.