Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

You want someone to adopt your kids who has no interest in them, you say you are more of a parent to his own child than he is.

I think that says it all on how you are as parent...

You aren't putting your childrens needs first.
Only your wants.

@Redruby2020

What stood out to me, is him saying if he can't go on his own to the caravan, then you can only use it together when you go with his daughter there. It might be my over thinking things, but it seems like he wants time there on his own? Are you sure he's not seeing someone else?

He’s not going on his own - he’s taking his daughter and mother.

He’s making the point to the OP that if he can’t use it without her sons then they can’t use it without his daughter...

I'm more of a parent to my step daughter than her dad is. I'm not resentful of her at all. I love her dearly and she knows it.

Doesn’t look great OP. He actually sounds like a shit dad if he is not providing primary care.

Have you done the freedom programme? Children aside it sounds as if you have low expectations of a partner (and I mean that kindly).

With higher expectations and a clear idea of what you want from a partnership you should be able to create a satisfactory unit with someone else who is similarly minded.

How much housework does he do out of interest?

@PurpleBiro21

I'm more of a parent to my step daughter than her dad is. I'm not resentful of her at all. I love her dearly and she knows it.

Doesn’t look great OP. He actually sounds like a shit dad if he is not providing primary care.

Have you done the freedom programme? Children aside it sounds as if you have low expectations of a partner (and I mean that kindly).

With higher expectations and a clear idea of what you want from a partnership you should be able to create a satisfactory unit with someone else who is similarly minded.

How much housework does he do out of interest?

Nothing unless I give him a job and then prompt him until it's done.

He has a daughter and you have sons, that aren't his.
Of course he wants to spend time with her, does your ex not spend time with his sons?

Nothing unless I give him a job and then prompt him until it's done.

So he’s a shit partner, a shit father and a lazy fucker to boot?

You’re still in this relationship because why exactly?

Saying this kindly, OP... it’s totally OK for one parent to spend a weekend or week away with their child. Even in a nuclear family. If it’s occasional and not every weekend then I think it’s fine.

You mentioned your sons and 1:1 time with you. Not all parents can manage 1:1 when they have more than one and the other parent is not around, but it is important for them to have time with just you and not your partner and his daughter, even if they get in brilliantly. It’s just healthy to have some time for just you guys and your DP is doing the same.

It feels like you’re overthinking this and need to relax.

I am married with 2 sons and it is mine and DH's only marriage, over 30 years. When our parents were alive we would each go to visit our own mothers on our own. I used to take the children with me to stay for a long weekend sometimes. Sometimes we would visit extended family on my side.DH would often visit his parents, who were divorced, on his own or with the children. We each tried to have some time with each of the children on their own too. Nothing you say your partner wants to do, OP, sounds unusual in a bog standard nuclear family. Doing everything together can be very irksome. DH and I have had a few hobby based individual holidays too, it makes you closer together when you get back.

I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up
No, you shouldn’t expect to always be doing all these things together. You’re not a nuclear family and there are different people/rules/relationships/dynamics at play.
You actually sound very similar to how my DH describes his mother when he was a child. She was hell bent on creating the impression of a “nuclear” family too, to the detriment of everyone involved. So much needless hurt and conflict.

You need to respect the individuals involved and their relationships with each other.

I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys.

Sorry to put it so harshly but....they're not his kids so it's totally unfair to compare it to if they were. In the same way, if his daughter were your child together, you wouldn't be considering going to the caravan without her when she's not around - but she's not, so you are. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I do feel for you as it's hard when your kids only have you so you are looking to build a solid family for them, but it sounds like you all get on really well and have a happy life as it is. Your partner is not their dad and never will be, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care immensely for them and enjoy time spent as a whole family. He just wants to have some time just him and his own daughter as well - which you probably get plenty of with your boys since they live with you full-time.

I just want to make it clear that during the time we split up we sat and had long conversations about what we wanted and I clearly stated that I wanted to settle down and be with a partner who could see themselves adopting my children. You know, loving them that much. My partner always stated that he wanted this. This isn't something that I have all of a sudden Wanted!

You have a blended family, that is the reality, regardless of what you dream of it being.
It's not a bad thing it's a different thing.
To make it work, you have to acknowledge what it is, and create something that works for both of you.

At the same time, if he doesn't parent his own child, why do you want him to adopt yours?

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other.

Whaaaaaattt?!?!

@Devlesko

He has a daughter and you have sons, that aren't his. Of course he wants to spend time with her, does your ex not spend time with his sons?

No. He doesn't

Have you thought about some therapy for you OP to talk through how you feel? You seem to feel owed a nuclear family. And the truth is you only get one shot at that type of relationship once children are involved. As for adoption are you sure you want that with a man who was unfaithful? Also you need your ex-husbands permission. That alone may open a giant can of worms.

@CarefulNoww

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other.

Whaaaaaattt?!?!

In relation to holidays and special events. Obviously not day to day!

@Mercial

Have you thought about some therapy for you OP to talk through how you feel? You seem to feel owed a nuclear family. And the truth is you only get one shot at that type of relationship once children are involved. As for adoption are you sure you want that with a man who was unfaithful? Also you need your ex-husbands permission. That alone may open a giant can of worms.

You don't need the fathers permission if they have been absent in the children's lives for over 3 years. The courts will notify him and take his feelings into consideration but he wouldn't have the power to stop it.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

That is not what people are saying.

You can 100% have a complete family unit including all the children in family events.

What everyone is saying is expecting to spend every hour of every day together as a family, doing absolutely everything together, never going anywhere without each other, never seeing friends alone, or going on days out or trips without everyone being there is absolutely ridiculous.

If you are seriously suggesting people in committed long term relationships have to spend every second together and never do anything separately than the divorce rate would skyrocket.

I adore my partner, we have been together 16 years and we love each other’s company, but I’d never want to go on his nights out with his friends, or their ‘lads holidays’ or to his mums for dinner twice a week (even though I love her to bits).
The same way I enjoy doing my own thing with my family or friends.

You can be a strong family unit without being literally joined at the hip.

You seem to have some very unhealthy options on what constitutes a strong couple and family unit.

Ok, I don’t think this is a step issue per se.

This man doesn’t care about you. He leaves you to do all the graft, has inappropriate relations and tells you what you want to hear so he can get what he wants.

As others have said you need to read actions and not his words.

What does he even bring to your life? This isn’t a partnership, he doesn’t want one.

Blended families are bloody hard work OP. No way would I commit to being a step mother for a man who cheated on me. You're worth more OP! You're going to get slaughtered in this emotionally. Besides his word what makes you think this man is committed to you? He happily lets you do the majority of the childcare for his child. You keep the house. He gets a cushy life. Has he proposed?

@Greenhillsofhome123

I just want to make it clear that during the time we split up we sat and had long conversations about what we wanted and I clearly stated that I wanted to settle down and be with a partner who could see themselves adopting my children. You know, loving them that much. My partner always stated that he wanted this. This isn't something that I have all of a sudden Wanted!

It doesn’t matter what got said then.

What matters is actions. You have two very different views on family life.

And, if that wasn’t enough, according to you he’s such a shit father that, despite only having his DD 6 days a month, you’re more of a parent to her than he is.

Why are you fighting for this relationship now?

Is he the male role model you want for your sons?

OP you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
You aren’t a nuclear family, you’re a blended family therefore you can’t expect to have what your friends who have traditional families have.

DP is and should spend time alone with his daughter, he sees her 6 nights a week, of course he will want one on one time. Why would he take your sons to his parents, they aren’t related to them, they aren’t their grandchildren. Some blended families do develop relationships where extended family see all the children as their own but you can’t force this.

Is he the male role model you want for your sons?

This is a killer question.

This guy can’t commit to you, or his daughter. He has her 6 times a month and it sounds like you’re doing 99% of the care.

Why would you want him to adopt your sons? Serious question. It doesn’t sound like he’s planning on sticking around long term.