Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

So you want your partner to parent your boys and C treat them as his own all the time. So they get extra trips to grandparents, always at the caravan C etc. You do all these things ** without his daughter. But she can join you six days a C month.

So you want your children to be treated as his biological children..... and his step daughter to be treated like a step kid or friend that just tags along 6 days a month? No WAY would I be happy with this!!!

If I was him I'd say

Sometimes we can all go to the caravan together, all 5 of us.

Sometimes I will go to the caravan with my daughter/mother.

Sometimes you can go to the caravan with your boys

Sometimes we need time away from each other and sometimes I need to shower my daughter that I love her more than 6 days a bloody month by spending time with her- my actual child.

Why can't you see that it's already unfair that your boys see this man more than his own daughter does? And you wonder why he wants a NIGHT with her?

You want a perfect nuclear family? Be it with your boys , just you three and get your own caravan. Or find a C man without any kids. But it's grossly unfair to expect this man to treat your children better than his and prioritise YOU and THEM over his own child.

You're being unrealistic.

Two adults in new realtionship, his elderly mother and three assorted kids in a caravan , is NOT a recipe for a happy weekend. My idea of hell, in fact.

Son, mum and granddaughter in caravan, all good. He wants to have quality time with his mum and his girl in a caravan he owns.

Meanwhile you can have quality time at home with your boys. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

I don't think it's sad, just reality.

I do honestly sympathise that you want your boys to feel like they have a dad and an 'intact' family, but they can still feel like your DP is a father figure to them while understanding that he sometimes needs to spend time separately with his daughter as he doesn't see her as much. I'm sure that they wouldn't want to spend all of their time with you with her hanging round either.

I have 2 SCs and of course we are a 'family unit' at times - we holiday together, celebrate birthdays and Christmas together, do fun things and chill out together etc etc. But there are also times where it differs from the nuclear family unit - for example, my SCs don't really do things with my family as they don't know each other well. They also sometimes do things with my DP and his parents without me, not out of any spite but just because I don't feel like I really need to be there.

I know you have the added complication of worrying about your boys not feeling part of a family but there isn't just one definition of family. You are still a family even if you sometimes do things separately.

I've just split with my partner for this reason. It's broke everyone involved!!

Following on from my previous comment though, I don't think your DP should be reserving the caravan for only when his daughter is around - I am hoping he's just said that because you've said he can't go with her alone?

You should be able to enjoy it more than 6 days a month.

@Greenhillsofhome123

I just want to make it clear that during the time we split up we sat and had long conversations about what we wanted and I clearly stated that I wanted to settle down and be with a partner who could see themselves adopting my children. You know, loving them that much. My partner always stated that he wanted this. This isn't something that I have all of a sudden Wanted!

But your DP may very well genuinely love your children, it just doesn't mean that he will never want to spend any separate time with his own daughter.

I feel like the crux of the issue is you want your boys to be loved and treated by him as if he was their father, and it's not wrong to want that but it doesn't trump everything else. Especially as he does actually have a child of his own who he doesn't live with as much as he does your boys - he probably feels like he needs to spend some separate time with her to reassure her that she is still special to him.

I am sure that you must sometimes do things with your sons on your own, surely? Even just a trip to the cinema or to a farm or whatever. I think they would understand that just as they probably enjoy time with you away from your DP, his daughter needs some time with her dad sometimes.

What do your children want OP?
Do they want to spend every minute of every day with a child that they are not related to and a man that sounds as if he has no interest in them.

They are in this blended family through your choice OP not theirs.

Let them have time with you on their own, that is what is healthy for them. You may not like it but it shouldn't be all about the wants of the adults.

@ChiefBabySniffer

So you want your partner to parent your boys and C treat them as his own all the time. So they get extra trips to grandparents, always at the caravan C etc. You do all these things ** without his daughter. But she can join you six days a C month.

So you want your children to be treated as his biological children..... and his step daughter to be treated like a step kid or friend that just tags along 6 days a month? No WAY would I be happy with this!!!

If I was him I'd say

Sometimes we can all go to the caravan together, all 5 of us.

Sometimes I will go to the caravan with my daughter/mother.

Sometimes you can go to the caravan with your boys

Sometimes we need time away from each other and sometimes I need to shower my daughter that I love her more than 6 days a bloody month by spending time with her- my actual child.

Why can't you see that it's already unfair that your boys see this man more than his own daughter does? And you wonder why he wants a NIGHT with her?

You want a perfect nuclear family? Be it with your boys , just you three and get your own caravan. Or find a C man without any kids. But it's grossly unfair to expect this man to treat your children better than his and prioritise YOU and THEM over his own child.

This is a super harsh response, at no point has OP said she doesn't want to include her SD in anything, and it is not up to her how much her SD is around - that is arranged by her parents.

OP has been clear that she loves her SD and is happy to all spend time together - in fact, that is what she wants the most!

I don't agree it's 'unfair' that OP's DP spends more time with her sons than with his daughter - that is just the way it is because SD lives mainly with her mother. He's not doing anything wrong by happening to live with OP's boys, BUT I do agree that this is potentially why he feels the need to give her some one-on-one time when he can.

I feel like the crux of the issue is you want your boys to be loved and treated by him as if he was their father, and it's not wrong to want that but it doesn't trump everything else. Especially as he does actually have a child of his own who he doesn't live with as much as he does your boys - he probably feels like he needs to spend some separate time with her to reassure her that she is still special to him.

Exactly. The OP seems to want equal and identical treatment for her boys when the dsd is around, plus her DP in the dad role for her boys when dsd isn't around. In other words, she wants him to be more of a father to her boys than he is to his own daughter.

And why are you buying bras for your boyfriend's daughter? That is REALLY not your place unless you're now going to say that her mother is also a shit parent.

@AlexaShutUp

I feel like the crux of the issue is you want your boys to be loved and treated by him as if he was their father, and it's not wrong to want that but it doesn't trump everything else. Especially as he does actually have a child of his own who he doesn't live with as much as he does your boys - he probably feels like he needs to spend some separate time with her to reassure her that she is still special to him.

Exactly. The OP seems to want equal and identical treatment for her boys when the dsd is around, plus her DP in the dad role for her boys when dsd isn't around. In other words, she wants him to be more of a father to her boys than he is to his own daughter.

I don't think OP does want him to be more of a father to her children, she just wants him to be an equal father to all of them - but unfortunately that isn't the case so there always will be some differences.

It's not OP's fault that her boys live with her (and her DP) full-time but SD is only there 6 days a month & school holidays - that is the agreement between her parents and not OP's fault or choice. I can understand how hard it must be for OP to worry her children might feel upset or left out if they do consider her DP to be their dad/father figure and he is taking himself off for the weekend with his daughter.

HOWEVER, I do think this can be managed through OP also doing things alone with her sons, her partner doing things with them too when he's around and just a simple explanation that sometimes DP and his daughter do special things together and sometimes OP and the boys do special things together, and sometimes they are all together.

@TheSpottedZebra

And why are you buying bras for your boyfriend's daughter? That is REALLY not your place unless you're now going to say that her mother is also a shit parent.

I would take my SD to buy a bra if she needed one and didn't have one?

It's not a contest, if she needs something and she's with us then we deal with it - even if it is the first time. If it's something like a bra, tampons etc then I would expect to take her to sort that out, not DP.

@Greenhillsofhome123
You don't need the fathers permission if they have been absent in the children's lives for over 3 years. The courts will notify him and take his feelings into consideration but he wouldn't have the power to stop it.

You are wrong.

A child cannot be adopted by a step parent without the consent of both legal parents, regardless of how long they have been absent.

The only time the courts in the uk would allow an adoption without the parents consent would be if
the child(ren) would be put at risk if they were not adopted or if the parent was incapable of giving consent.

I understand your feelings and after the length of time you have been together you would have thought his mother would be more accepting and family life would be all of you.

I have a daughter who is with me 100% and my husband to be has two children from a previous relationship and we have one on the way. We always go to family functions as a family, if we have my step children they gone if not they don't. We ensure all the special outings are when they are here but on occasion we will do things when they are not, because we live our life when they aren't here!

It's seems like when you were first together this was a bone of contention and it hasn't changed. I would have a good chat with him about how you see your future moving forwards- if you can't agree then it maybe time to move on.

I don't think OP does want him to be more of a father to her children, she just wants him to be an equal father to all of them - but unfortunately that isn't the case so there always will be some differences.

But the fact is, dsd doesn't live with them full time. Of course that isn't the OP's fault, but it is the reality that they all have to live with.

If she truly wanted him to be an equal father to all of the children, then I think she would accept that his time with dsd is much more limited than his time with her boys, and that he therefore needs to make an extra effort to build the relationship with dsd that wouldn't be required if she lived with them full time. The fact that OP is unwilling to recognise and make allowances for the differences in circumstance make me believe that she does want more from her DP for her boys than she does for dsd. When circumstances are so different, "equal" cannot possibly mean "the same".

[quote JollyAndBright]@Greenhillsofhome123
You don't need the fathers permission if they have been absent in the children's lives for over 3 years. The courts will notify him and take his feelings into consideration but he wouldn't have the power to stop it.

You are wrong.

A child cannot be adopted by a step parent without the consent of both legal parents, regardless of how long they have been absent.

The only time the courts in the uk would allow an adoption without the parents consent would be if
the child(ren) would be put at risk if they were not adopted or if the parent was incapable of giving consent.[/quote]
Agreed this is totally inaccurate advice. I want to change my child's surname and would like my partner to adopt my child and even though I have a court order outlining dv and indirect contact- it's very clear I cannot do these things without my ex's parental consent. Even though he hasn't seen her for 5 years. It's absolutely insane if I dropped down dead tomorrow, she would be in absolute limbo land. When she has more say at 16 we can do this and will, but he still can challenge and that's ten years away. Also could potentially bring him back into our lives which would put us all in danger. It's an absolutely backwards system.

My partner has good intentions and he's kind but he isn't hands on with the children

Yet you want him to adopt your children? What fantasy is this?
You're not even married!

A) If he married you today, the boys would be 11 and 14 before he could even start adoption procedure.

Social workers and the court would consult their opinions . And his daughter's 

B) It hardly sounds from your comments and his history with you, as if he's likely to pass muster as potential adopter. Or would want to.

C) Adopted children acquire full legal, financial support and inheritance rights along with any birth children.. I hardly think a man who protects his private single-man time and space with his DD, is going to sign away HER birth daughters inheritance rights from 100 % to 33 %, giving 66% of his assets to your sons .

D) your ex would have to consent to another man adopting his children.

   I struggle to credit that a teacher could be so  unaware of  the legal  issues  of adoption.

If he only sees his daughter six days per month, it's even more important that some of that time is spent on a one-to-one basis. It's really important for all children to have one-to-one time with each of their parents as well as having time as a family together. Why can you not use that time to do things with your sons? I don't understand why you have to all be together 100% of the time on the few days per month that he sees his daughter. Presumably you'll be using the caravan sometimes with your sons while his daughter is with her mother so why is it a problem to take one set of kids without the other but not vice versa?

I don't think this is necessarily about him not wanting to spend the time with you. It is about his daughter needing to have a relationship with her Dad and his Mum, and that she may benefit from time when her step family aren't there.

You are correct that this probably wouldn't come up if you both only had children from your relationship with one another, but there are lots of issues arising specifically out of being a blended family that don't affect nuclear families.

You are being petty to ban him from using the caravan without you, and that could occur in a traditional family with no step family. For example a get away just for the girls or just for the boys or just for those who enjoy a specific hobby, or when one parent can't get annual leave, or to spend time with extended family or to entertain child A while child B is on a school trip. Nuclear families don't always holiday together. You don't always have to use the caravan together.

@AlexaShutUp

I don't think OP does want him to be more of a father to her children, she just wants him to be an equal father to all of them - but unfortunately that isn't the case so there always will be some differences.

But the fact is, dsd doesn't live with them full time. Of course that isn't the OP's fault, but it is the reality that they all have to live with.

If she truly wanted him to be an equal father to all of the children, then I think she would accept that his time with dsd is much more limited than his time with her boys, and that he therefore needs to make an extra effort to build the relationship with dsd that wouldn't be required if she lived with them full time. The fact that OP is unwilling to recognise and make allowances for the differences in circumstance make me believe that she does want more from her DP for her boys than she does for dsd. When circumstances are so different, "equal" cannot possibly mean "the same".

I do see what you mean and agree with this bit for sure:

When circumstances are so different, "equal" cannot possibly mean "the same".

I just think it's a difficult situation all round isn't it as you have 3 children with potential to be hurt. You've got SD who doesn't live with her dad but some other children do and she could feel hurt or left out by that, and then you've got 2 boys who don't have their own dad in their lives and who could also be potentially be extra sensitive and hurt by being singled out as 'not his real kids' by the man they look at as their father figure.

I understand why OP is struggling with this as in her eyes it's her boys who have the greatest potential to be hurt by being left out of fun trips to the caravan etc and having the double whammy of that potentially reinforcing that this man doesn't consider them his 'real' children, whereas she is not suggesting not to involve her SD in anything. She wants everyone together, so she can only see the disadvantage for her own sons since SD will still be full involved in those family times - but she is missing the fact that SD may already feel a little out of the loop due to not being around as much.

It's tough all round but I think what you said is key - equal doesn't always have to mean the same.

Actions speak louder than words, OP.

He went along with what you wanted in these long discussions, probably to get you back.

In reality he is not this man.

OP, I'm just going to quote a poem for you:

On Marriage
BY KAHLIL GIBRAN

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And
what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you
shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white
wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.

 Love one another, but make not a bond

of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

 Give your hearts, but not into each

other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

No one is saying that. What a leap.

They are saying that you should be (or mainly the children should be) allowed to do things separately. They probably want to occasionally! Which is absolutely fine and normal.

Love and acceptance are not feelings that are subject to demand or command. Your partner's daughter, your sons, and even your partner will not love each other or use each other ad family just because those were your terms and conditions for taking your partner back.

Your terms were predicated solely on "your" needs, wants, and lose of a fantasy. You did not look at the other 4 people involved in this situation and determine what feelings or expectations they might have in terms of their involvement in this unit. Perhaps, his mother only wants to see her son and granddaughter. Does she not have that right? Perhaps those are her terms and conditions.

Maybe your partner's daughter is polite and well reared but has no need for membership in a new extended family unit. Maybe your son's want you to be happy but they also may not need or want a new father. A father to them may just represent yet another man who may leave and abandon them. They have quite possibly come to terms with the absence of their father and have no need or desire of a replacement figure.

You may be the only one in this scenario with these rigid and inflexible feelings about family structure.

Your feelings are fine for you ,but they may not be feelings that you can impose successfully on the others in your environment.

Only time will tell if you can create a happy family Unit through impositions and rigidity.

@JustLyra

I'm more of a parent to my step daughter than her dad is. I'm not resentful of her at all. I love her dearly and she knows it.

If that’s remotely accurate then why the fuck would you want him to adopt your children?

And I'm sorry but I agree with this. It honestly just sounds like you want a father for your boys at any cost even if it means one that isn't right for you or them.