Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

@DuggyOnDown

I think trying to force yourself and your son's into every situation with him and his DD you seriously risk creating resentment between the children tbh.

This.

Gently, OP, all I hear in your posts is what you want and what you think you deserve. His daughter didn’t ask for any of this. The least she should be able to expect given the loss she has already had to come to terms with is spending time with her family and her Dad away from other (albeit lovely) people.

Your partner's daughter, your sons, and even your partner will not love each other or use each other ad family just because those were your terms and conditions for taking your partner back

And this too.

It honestly doesn't make a difference what you promised each other when you got back together because it's not just you and him in this situation. The children didn't get a say in your terms and conditions!

Huge red flags OP:

• He was caught messaging another woman
• He leaves the domestic duties to just you unless you ‘prompt’ him
• He hardly has care of his daughter and when he does, you’re doing the parenting

I think he wants to go to his mums and the caravan so she can do all the looking after of the daughter while he can play on TikTok which you claimed is what will happen in a previous post. And he won’t have to pay you or your boys any attention whatsoever, sounds like a great deal for him!

You can have that dream family, and a man doesn’t have to be involved at all. Your children already have what they need, they have you and you have them. Try to work on being content with the amazing family you’ve already got right here.

You have the idea of what a perfect family looks like and you are trying to slot the available people into it. You WILL be disappointed. Which is fine, you're an adult. What is worse is that there are four other people involved.

You are trying to be a mum to the daughter. I'd be pretty pissed off if another women shopped for training bras with my DD. And you can't fix the lack of parenting by her actual father.

You're trying to make a father out of a man who isn't an effective one. Thereby giving him equal parental rights over your boys.

And you're trying to make your partner into a person he's not, while constantly telling him he can't parent in the way he does. You aren't making him a better parent by filling in the gaps.

In my 'perfect' family (nuclear, one child) we all go away separately. DH and DD, me and DD, me with DM, DH DFIL and DD, DH SIL and FIL. It's great. And happy. And not forced.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

There are no "rules" to any family set-up! Do you not think that children who live with both of their parents spend one-to-one time with each parent sometimes, or share certain activities or interests with a particular parent that the other parent/ children don't participate in?

@Tiredoftattler

Love and acceptance are not feelings that are subject to demand or command. Your partner's daughter, your sons, and even your partner will not love each other or use each other ad family just because those were your terms and conditions for taking your partner back.

Your terms were predicated solely on "your" needs, wants, and lose of a fantasy. You did not look at the other 4 people involved in this situation and determine what feelings or expectations they might have in terms of their involvement in this unit. Perhaps, his mother only wants to see her son and granddaughter. Does she not have that right? Perhaps those are her terms and conditions.

Maybe your partner's daughter is polite and well reared but has no need for membership in a new extended family unit. Maybe your son's want you to be happy but they also may not need or want a new father. A father to them may just represent yet another man who may leave and abandon them. They have quite possibly come to terms with the absence of their father and have no need or desire of a replacement figure.

You may be the only one in this scenario with these rigid and inflexible feelings about family structure.

Your feelings are fine for you ,but they may not be feelings that you can impose successfully on the others in your environment.

Only time will tell if you can create a happy family Unit through impositions and rigidity.

This with bells on. It's horrible to see children being dragged into "blended families" that they have had no say in. Why do you need to involve the children in your relationship? Leave them be as they are. Especially as it sounds like the relationship has been instable and unhealthy for some time.

OP. I think it’s really sad that you’re not listening to the comments on here. A lot of these responses are being said with good intent and from a kind place.

The sad reality from your posts is that you haven’t come to terms with the loss of your nuclear family.
If you had, you wouldn’t be on here (basically tantrumming) that ‘I want it anyway.’ Because if you’d accepted it you’d know the following.

1. you cannot replace it, you just can’t, not for your children. That’s not how it works.
2. that you have work to do yourself to adjust to your new family, which is (should be) in essence your boys and you. It is a huge adjustment to make, I went through it so I understand.
3. your children genuinely don’t need this man. They want time, 121 time, with you. If you are strong, stable, consistent and available, their needs will more than be met.

It staggers me that a man who has cheated on you, has to be nagged to pull his weight for chores and who allows you to parent his child the 6 days he sees her is material for adoption.

I think your view of families overall is incredibly suffocating. Families (nuclear and non nuclear) regularly go off and do their own thing. Boys weekends/ girls trips/ nights away/ sports tours.

This all sounds like one giant car crash IMO. I think you sadly come across as incredibly insecure and controlling. Which could well be a reaction to the ex and the circumstances around the breakdown of your family.

In your shoes? I’d be working on myself and categorically not thinking a man who cheated on me should be replacement father to my children.

Op to give you another perspective, I also wanted a dad for my kids as their dad was worse than useless. I really understand. I found dh who is an incredible stepdad but it was impossible to re-create a nuclear family- so we didn’t.

His now adult children never wanted to be a part of it so he now sees them on his own. Fine!! Doesn’t mean my kids miss out as they live with him and have the benefit of him.

Someone upthread said a councillor told her there are various sub-families rather than one whole family, and I think anything else is just unrealistic. I would watch the bond he develops with your children and base my actions on that.

Are you okay OP?

There's a lot of underlying anxiety in your posts that really stands out.

My friend's and their family do x (social expectation pressures).

My expectation was a nuclear family with my ex which didn't work out (failed expectations, past disappointment)

My partner cheated and I took him back because he promised X,Y and Z (betrayal and future promising)

My partner doesn't include me in his family (rejection)

There's some stuff I think you need to work through to ask yourself is this the right relationship for you?

Sounds like your unresolved trauma from previous relationships and betrayal in current is feeding into your anxiety. Which is making you try to cram a square peg into a round hole.

It doesn't matter what he has said to you to get back into a relationship, he doesn't want what you want. That's his right but he should have been truthful and not gone down the path of future faking you.

You need to either accept things as they are and work on your anxiety or let this relationship go.

Having read your updates OP- are you neurotypical? Your thinking is very black and white with no shades of grey and you seem to feel pressured into behaving like your friends and families.

I get the impression that he's taking advantage of you and telling you what he knows you want to hear because you're happy to be a skivvy in order to pretend that you have a nuclear family.

I don't have experience in step parent adoption but I suspect that it's not a goal that people work towards like a wedding. I suspect that the stepparent builds a bond with a child and years later makes that decision. Don't you think that your sons need a role model who will do actual parenting so they don't end up repeating his behaviour when they are adults?

You’ve only been with him this time for a year and again children are in the midst of it.

He’s right to want time with just his family and not his girlfriend. If I were a grandmother I’d want to spend time with my grandchildren without others tagging along. Very different if married and long term but even then I’d still expect to be able to just see them alone.

I agree with what’s been said.
Your boyfriend is not your children’s father by your own admission he is a pretty useless father so why on earth are you pushing for him to adopt them?
Think about how his own child feels. Again I agree with the poster who said she will not be happy to find her inheritance has been reduced from 100% to 33%.
Thinks about the whole adoption thing. It isn’t right at all. You can’t pick and chose to remove parents from birth certificates at will and thank god you can’t if this is how it can turn out.
You are in love with a dream. The dream is not a reality.
I agree that you should get some therapy.

He doesn’t sound like a good dad at all. Why would you want him to adopt your sons. If you are going to “choose” a parent for them at least choose a vaguely adequate one.

Also ex military people are often used to a lot of space and forever heading off camping or caravanning!

@GoWalkabout

Also ex military people are often used to a lot of space and forever heading off camping or caravanning!

They are often also very damaged and a mother should think very hard and wait for a long time before involving them in their children's lives.

Well this was an experience! This was my first post on this site and it will be my last. I didn't post here because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I genuinely thought that I'd engage with people who have experienced the same issues and could pass on advice. I do believe that some people were able to read my comments and truly understand what I was trying to communicate and in turn help me.... but these people are very limited. Thank you to those of you who did try to help. I will take on your advice.

So many of you generalise! Oh my gosh! I'm a step mother so I must hate having my step daughter around and I want my partner all to myself.... wow! I know who I am and I know how much love and care I give to the people in my life, most of all the children. I feel that an issue like I am facing needs to be advised by people who know me. People who know more background etc. This site is no good for life advise and I feel for anyone who has to solely rely on this site rather than friends and family. I'm lucky enough to have a support network and this afternoon when I took my boys to play football in the glorious sunshine at a nearby astroturf (precious 1 on 1 time) I also met my mother and confided in her.... thank the lord ay!!!!!

When scanning over this feed there is such a mix of feedback. Something that struck me was how quickly assumptions were made about me as a person. So many went straight to me hating my step daughter and wanting my partner all for my boys! Also, the adoption that I mentioned early on was used as such a negative. I do one day hope for this to happen but it's not something that will be rushed.

Thank you to the people who offered constructive advice. You know who you are. Take care x

Jeez.

I have the perfect nuclear family you dream of - but my DH is from another country and in normal times he regularly goes there for a weekend alone or with one of our boys to visit family and friends. I adore his family and we go on holidays there all together as well but we do not need to be together all the time.

I think your being ridiculous and selfish tbh. DH DS and his grandad all went away in the minivan for the night in the summer, this was without me and dd who had a girls night together. It was nice for DS to spend some quality time and dd to spend time with me. They are both full siblings but sometimes its nice for them to do things separately.

Wow. OP, you have had advice from people who have the same issues. And your last post is interesting, it’s real insight as to what you’ve actually taken from what people have posted.

Good luck to you.

Op I had two children and left an abusive marriage, where my ex has had no contact.

My priority when first splitting up and to this day was to make sure my kids had the most secure and stable upbringing that they didn't have in the beginning.
You are trying to build a relationship with someone who has already done you wrong, who doesn't have the same ideals as you for a family and who doesn't do as he says he will and makes no effort with your kids.

You get one shot at their childhood the first part was already tarnished, they deserve for you to put them first and to stop hankering after a man that won't give you what you want and need, it's just another terrible relationship role model for your kids.

I wouldnt be giving out PR to just anyone for my kids especially after having an abusive relationship it's a massive deal adoption and it's concerning how low you have set the bar here in wanting to give someone PR over your kids after having an abusive relationship, they have been through enough!

You most definitely need help in discovering what healthy relationships are.

You may not like the advice or opinions you have been given but sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.
Perhaps your friends and family don't tell you what they really think or have low expectations themselves.

@Teardrop2021

I think your being ridiculous and selfish tbh. DH DS and his grandad all went away in the minivan for the night in the summer, this was without me and dd who had a girls night together. It was nice for DS to spend some quality time and dd to spend time with me. They are both full siblings but sometimes its nice for them to do things separately.

Yeah I'm really selfish. Probably one of the most selfish people to ever post on on this platform!! You of course are amazing and totally selfless all of the time... go you!!!!

The one question you've not responded to and probably won't (as you probably can't explain) ...is why you would want him to adopt your kids, when he leaves all the parenting of his own child to you and you need to prompt him to do stuff around the house.

What qualities does he have as a parent/father, that you would want him to adopt your kids?

Your eldest is 14.
You're not even married to him
You've had a 14 month split

The courts would want evidence of a stable commited relationship or marriage.

By the time all of this happened, your DS would be a few years older, what's the point in adoption at this age?

@Justmuddlingalong

In my eyes when you're a family you don't have time away from each other. That is a very strange and unhealthy attitude IMHO.

In mine too. I don't get the big deal of him having some time with just his daughter and his mum. It doesn't make you less of a family because he does that. It's also a double standard that you want to do things as a family without her but it's unacceptable for him to do things without you and your boys. The type of relationship you're trying to force sounds really unhealthy. It doesn't make it ok because you made it a condition of getting back together, it's still messed up.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

No you should expect to have a family unit. The problem is your definition of that is very narrow. Even in families where the parents are together there are varying amounts of time spent all together and time apart, doesn't make them less of a family. There is time to be together and time for you and your boys to do things without his DD and vice versa. I'd think it would be good for your DS too as you can spend the occasional weekend focused on them.