Blended Family (Caravan Life)

[Greenhillsofhome123]

I’ll give some background before I delve into the current issue I’m facing with my partner.

I’ve been back with my partner for just under a year. We first met in 2016 and we are both divorced. I have two children, both boys aged 12 and 9. He has one daughter aged 11. My children don’t have a relationship with their father due to his abusive nature and this was the reason for my divorce. His daughter stays overnight approx 6 nights a month but more during school holidays etc.

I split from my current partner for 14 months due to trust issues as I discovered that he was messaging other women on Facebook. I was devastated and ended the relationship. He lived away in the RAF but recently retired so he’s home 100% of the time now.

Just before we got back together he bought a caravan but because of lockdown he couldn’t use it until recently. This is obviously a lovely thing to have in the family but it’s causing a lot of tension. The main issue for me is how my partner views his priorities.

All I ever wanted in life was to settle down, get married and have children and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I married a monster and these dreams shattered, but, I don’t think I should have different experiences in a relationship when compared to friends who are married to their children’s father. My current partner keeps viewing our blended family as two families rather than a whole family... I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. If he goes to visit his mother he goes on his own or with his daughter and doesn’t ask for me or my children to tag along. We have been in lockdown since we have been back together so I get that this is an issue but when he and his daughter live with me then I’m his bubble. Well lots of little things like this happen and it was the same in the early part of our relationship in 2016....Just to paint the picture.

The main issue I’m facing is the newly acquired caravan. Lockdown restrictions were lifted last weekend so we spent our first weekend there as a family of 5 and it was lovely. All children get on well for the majority of time and I have a close relationship with my step daughter.

He mentioned yesterday that when he has his daughter again next week he wants to spend the night at the caravan with just his daughter and his mother... and this is the bit that has me upset. It hurts that he would even suggest leaving me and my boys out of any sort of family time down our caravan. Friends of mine who are married etc have relationships that would never encounter this sort of issue so why should I? I know I’m divorced and I know he isn’t my children’s dad but he fought to be in our lives again so surely he should be treating us like his family and like we are all a package deal. I feel that if I was married to my partner and all of the children were from this marriage then it wouldn’t even enter his head to go to the caravan without me and my boys. My children are with me 100% or the time which i love. I’m a teacher so I have school holidays off work. My partner still works as he now has his own business since leaving the RAF. I’d like to use the caravan as much as possible but he’s now saying that if he can’t use the caravan without me then we can only ever use it when he has his daughter which is just 6 nights a month and more during holidays. His daughter lives with her mother. Step dad and half sister. She has an active life with piano lessons, drama club etc and does nice things with that side of her family. I understand that sometimes she won’t be coming to the caravan with us but I feel her life is very fulfilled by both of her parents.

My partner always says that he understands the demands of my life but this situation has me thinking if he does.

I’m open to advice and can give more background if needed. I’m coming from an open place and would only like to receive genuine comments from people looking to help.

What if he can't deliver what he promised because his feelings and needs are not evolving in that direction! He is not failing you; he is just not feeling what you feel.

You can outline in great detail exactly what you want but if the relationship is evolving in a different direction then you must either compromise or stay and accept things as they are.

What about his daughter's feelings ? No matter how nice the room and the people, she did not sign up for nor agree to any of your blended terms. She is allowed to want time with her family that does not include you and your sons.

You seem desperate to have something to which you feel entitled, and you are trying to force an outcome that is not evolving naturally.

If he were content to spend years in the RAF away from his daughter, he probably feels the need now to make up for lost time The daughter has a family, so she may need time alone with her father but she may not feel the need for another family.

If you are not able to take some steps back or make some compromise , this man may sooner rather than later find this relationship to be suffocating. You want your imagined experience and reality rarely works that way. Additionally, your sons may have no need or desire to be adopted or to have a contrived family life.

If you cannot enjoy this relationship as it is evolving, then you should let this man go and seek a relationship that better suits you.

From DC point of view I think it is really important that DC (in blended families) have the opportunity to spend time with their parent without their step parent and step siblings being there 100% of the time

You seem to want to impose a rule that your partner cannot spend any time with his DD without you and your DSs also being there

In my opinion YABVU

He doesn't want what you want.
He can't give you what you need.

Your kids should come first here, they have witnessed abuse and deserve a really stable upbringing, you got back with a man that had previously cheated on you.
He's shown you who he is believe him and stop taking a risk on him at the expense of your children.
I think you are yearning so much for this family unit which he clearly isn't giving you that it comes at the expense of your children.
You want a man that isn't interested in them and makes no effort with them to adopt them...

Split up and concentrate on yourself and your children.
You don't need a man to make a family, you already have one.

It's not that you "should live divided lives", OP. It's that you might want a different degree of blending than he wants, neither of you are wrong but you can't force him to give you what you want. You say I just want what he promised to me but actions speak louder that words and it sounds like he isn't really up for it, whatever he may have promised. So either you have to talk this through and reach a compromise that works for both of you, or you need to finish with him and find someone who has the same vision as you.

I agree with everyone else I'm afraid. I feel sorry for you that you are not going to achieve your nuclear family unit with this man. Instead of twisting yourself in knots over it, you need to decide if you can hack it or not. He is doing nothing wrong. Sorry.

What do your sons think?
Please don’t say they adore him?

Your children are around 100% of the time. His daughter is not. It’s entirely understandable and fair that he wants to spend some one-on-one time with her.

You can’t recreate a nuclear family when things aren’t like that.

Also, spending time one-on-one, or apart, is entirely normal in a family. Pre-lockdown DH and I spend time with our friends (nights and weekends away includes) and we made regular efforts to have individual time with the children when we could. Family time together is obviously very important, but so is one on one time. It’s quite odd that you think it’s something bad or wrong tbh.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

You are a family unit, with your kids! You don't need to find a replacement dad, you are a family with your kids, and a couple with your partner. You may be an nontraditional "family" all together, but yes the rules may be different to a traditional one.

As to family visits, you can invite your step daughter if you wish but no you cannot EXPECT the same in return, especially every time.

I know you think of it as sad but you don't need to. The traditional family ship has sailed. Start focusing on building a nontraditional one.

We have a blended family and one that is much more inclusive than others. We have completely joint finances including our wills. Each of our children are included in extended family relationships and occasions. We each are very close to our adult step children individually.

We also have a joint child. We do things together with all the children, seperately with the children, and then individually with each of them.

We absolutely would take our own children to family occasions, nights away even holidays and without each other. Not every week but a couple of times a year to do things that they individually would enjoy. We spend time with our bio children and their respective extended family with out each step child depending on their schedule.

That doesn't mean we aren't a family unit or a "proper family". We have busy families and relationships that outside of covid usually have alot going on.

You should absolutely be spending one on one time with your boys. Just because they are brothers and live together doesn't mean they should have to be glued at the hip all the time.

I have a close friend who took their youngest to Disney and left her oldest at home. Reason being they were too old and had already been. They are very much a nuclear and happy family.

Use the time to spend time with your children doing something they enjoy. Plan your own break with them another weekend.

You sound like you want a utopia that really doesn't exist.

@Greenhillsofhome123

So. In conclusion and based on the majority of comments. I shouldn't expect to have a family unit because I'm divorced and my current partner isn't their dad. I shouldn't include my step daughter in visits to my family and in turn I shouldn't expect myself and my children to join my partner on his family visits. We should lead divided lives with different rules to a traditional family set up.

I think it's very sad that this is the general outcome from this forum. I know this isn't the comments from everyone but it is the majority.

Your blended family isn't like your friends' set up that you keep quoting though, because you have to take into account his child doesn't live in his primary home with home. Therefore, for the sake of their relationship, there has to be compromise to allow for him to have 1-1 time with his daughter and for her to have time alone with her paternal grandparent who presumably she hardly sees either. The daughter never asked to share her dad with your children, it's just the situation she is in. But you want to make it all about you and your children and frankly you're being incredibly selfish to say that you can all use the caravan when she's not around, but her and her dad can't use it for some precious 1-1 time. I feel really sorry for the daughter in all of this.

@lunar1

You have a very 'all or nothing' attitude. The biggest thing a blended family needs is compromise on all sides.

You sound so resentful of your partners child having any time with him, given how little time she gets with her dad, your boys have her dad more than she does, stop being so selfish.

I'm more of a parent to my step daughter than her dad is. I'm not resentful of her at all. I love her dearly and she knows it.

Imagine making such bold statements about a person you know so little about. Just imagine!!!

I'm more of a parent to my step daughter than her dad is. I'm not resentful of her at all. I love her dearly and she knows it.

If that’s remotely accurate then why the fuck would you want him to adopt your children?

Does your ex agree to your DP adopting his DC ?

"If that’s remotely accurate then why the fuck would you want him to adopt your children?"

I was about to say the same thing.

Sorry OP but what are you playing at here?
This is not fair on your kids at all.

@Oldbutstillgotit

Does your ex agree to your DP adopting his DC ?

I don't even know where he is!!

That doesn't matter. He will need to give permission or you won't be allowed to..

I don't even know where he is!!

If he’s on their birth certificates then he’ll have to give permission

How big is this caravan? The two of you, the two boys, the girl and his mum, does that mean someone sleeping on the sofa? Perhaps going with his daughter and his mum is simply a matter of accommodation.

1. You aren’t a parent. By your own description you’re just someone your DP uses as free childcare. If your DSD viewed you even remotely as a parent should would have asked for you to come to the caravan.

1. You have a really damaging view of what it means to be a parent. You absolutely need to treat your sons as individuals. You shouldn’t be glossing over their abusive past / dad with this new partner when he already cheated on you once.

Every family is unique.
Blended families are different.
Even nuclear families do not spend all of their time together.
I suspect your DP has said what you want to hear but in reality wants something slightly different.
Up to you really what you do. But I think you're not being fair on everyone else by insisting this can only work one way.

@GrumpyHoonMain

1. You aren’t a parent. By your own description you’re just someone your DP uses as free childcare. If your DSD viewed you even remotely as a parent should would have asked for you to come to the caravan.

1. You have a really damaging view of what it means to be a parent. You absolutely need to treat your sons as individuals. You shouldn’t be glossing over their abusive past / dad with this new partner when he already cheated on you once.

You have no idea who I am as a parent!! There has been no glossing over thank you very much!

What stood out to me, is him saying if he can't go on his own to the caravan, then you can only use it together when you go with his daughter there. It might be my over thinking things, but it seems like he wants time there on his own? Are you sure he's not seeing someone else?

Your sons are brothers, and they are getting time with just their mum, not their mum and this other partner she has. His daughter deserves that. I think you partly feel miffed as you do so much for his daughter but frankly I wouldn’t do that much for my own children compared to my husband. There is no way I would have been looking after 3 children while working so his ex got more solo work time. If he wants to parent he can parent. I agree he should take her to the caravan (I hope there’s no tv there so he actually parents). He should also ask you if it suits to have her if he’s not taking work off and why don’t you have him do the drop off for them all a couple of times a week. That’s a healthy fair relationship. You’re not in one; you’re enabling a selfish man to continue to avoid parenting while feeling like he’s a good dad as he puts his hand up and offloads it to you - this caravan plan is the only element of your posts where he is committing as a dad and you don’t like it!