Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

Why does the DSD at youf house do often. Say one day a week is plenty till she behaves.

What a messy post. Sorry.

@Viviennemary

Why does the DSD at youf house do often. Say one day a week is plenty till she behaves.

It’s likely her mum will want the break from her daughter and not welcome a change.

I appreciate every situation is difficult, for me and my DH struggles to get his views heard let alone mine.

@blackbettybramblejam

EarringsandLipstick of course I have compassion for the fact she’s ill, hence why I stick around and basically enable all of the behaviours that annoy me but that are part of her mental illness (depression, anxiety maybe bi-polar) But I also have compassion for myself and my DD. DSD is only with us every other weekend, every Friday and every Wednesday so on the weekends where she’s not with us, things are great! So I think I can (just about) put up with it, it’s just that some weekends she’s worse than others and on those weekends I feel very despairing and turn to the resources I have as an outlet and to help me clarify my feelings. If I didn’t have DD I would probably leave because the future looks so bleak. I also go to therapy myself so I am doing things to help the way this all impacts my mental health.

I have some empathy as a step mom , adult so no impact on my life now ,carbon copy of her difficult mother sadly . I knew that she was in my partners life from the onset and when little i was fond of her , thankfully he didn't tolerate unacceptable behaviour from her when she got older , but i still made plans to be out of her way as much as possible when she stayed with us. If you are going to stay my suggestion is to do the same , as things start to reopen you will have a lot more options . I hope she becomes more independent as she gets older but at the moment i would not take my eyes off her while she is anywhere near your little one.

I bet SD’s Mum would be open to the respite programme if she wasn’t spending so much time at OP’s place. She needs to at least be looking after hygiene, etc. I agree that fostering interests in a healthy way is a great start, but it is not SM’s role. Nobody can speak for the Mum, but DF isn’t proactive at all.