Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

I remember your previous thread and still think you should leave him or at least live apart. Your priority has to be your own child and your most important job is to keep her safe. I don’t see how that’s possible sharing a home with such a disturbed and dangerous person as your SD.

I presume that there has been social services involvement and a proper risk assessment carried out as to whether it's safe for her to be living with you and your 4 year old? Sounds an incredibly difficult situation, she will be eligible for support from social services in some supported accommodation as a young adult gaining independence which sounds like it would be beneficial to everyone. This is a really complex and stressful situation with a young person who from what you have said needs a lot of support. You need to be honest with your partner, communication between adults involved is key to a better outcome. Goodluck.

Oh yes top support from cahms, a private psychiatrist and lots of drugs but though the dangerous behaviours have stopped (self harm etc) she’s still a pretty unpleasant presence and I don’t think I’ll ever not be traumatised by what happened before.

I won’t leave because I love DH (DD does too) and I want to be here when DD is (if I left DD would be on her own with DSD without me)
I am looking forward to the lockdown ending and having a lot more escape routes.
It just bothers me that DH is doing nothing to encourage independence in her. It doesn’t bode well.

I just have to accept I’ll never be fully happy.

I really feel your pain in your post and it’s an incredibly difficult situation however, to be honest, you’re not open to changing anything or doing anything different or having difficult discussions, so things will stay the same or get worse. I don’t know what advice anyone can give you as you’ve decided you’re not going to do anything.

I’m not trying to be snippy, but I’m stating a fact.

You need to decide that this situation isn’t working for you and change it.

I feel for you but you need to prioritise your DDs safety and mental health. DH can visit her at your home, I wouldn't let my daughter be in the same house as someone with such disturbing behaviour.

I don't know what the answer for you is, but I don't think I could allow my small child anywhere near her. This whole situation is horrible.

OP, have you spoken with her psychiatrist about your concerns that she may pose a threat to you or your daughter?

If you think that you have been traumatized by her behaviour, it might be helpful for you to seek out some type of mental health assistance as well.

In terms of the television, if she demonstrates a preference for spending hours on end in her room, why not buy a television to put in her room? If you do that, she would not be hogging the television in your living room.

I have to agree that if you’re not willing to make changes you can have a rant but it won’t make you feel better, or improve the situation. Neither you nor your child appears to be safe with the status quo. I’m sure you love him but love isn’t enough to ensure your daughter’s safety and your home must be full of stress and anxiety which isn’t good for her or fair on her.

You cannot met someone discuss dismembering animals - dead or alive - in front of a 4 year old. That’s completely unacceptable. You’re failing your child who only has you to protect her. The older she gets the more she’ll start to understand and be affected by this awfulness. You’re the one anticipating SD staying dependent and at home long term, what price will your child have to pay?

Hate the situation all you like but you’re the only one who can change things.

What effect must this be having on your 4 year old?

I’ve been assured through DH & the psych that she’s not a threat to anyone else or even herself any more now that she has the correct medication. Her autism diagnosis with a demand avoidance profile causes her to be very perverse in the sense of needing and feeling compelled to do the exact opposite of what is expected of her on every level so she doesn’t attend school, she stays in bed in the day, she sees herself as an adult and relates to other adults as such, she won’t lift a finger around the house, she doesn’t wish anyone a happy birthday, she doesn’t wash, she won’t do anything asked of her, she thinks she’s too good for school. she is the exact opposite of everything that makes it easier to live with people and when she’s around there’s no respite from her intensity and her need to be in control.
An example. Our car is pregnant and she is going to name each of the kittens. She genuinely think this is okay and critiqued the names of kittens that my DD came up with. My DD became down hearted and DH did nothing to intercept and tell his DD to stop it. Same with the animal head thing.
She’s going for shock value so I generally completely ignore these comments.
But I must admit I don’t relish the future.
I took my own DD on holiday with DH and DSD last year and I shall do the same this year because I refuse to spend my leisure time and money on someone who will just refuse to go out or eat different things, I want and deserve a stress free holiday. If any family members want to criticise me about it I will tell them they’re quite welcome to take her on holiday if they wish.

Took my own DD on holiday WITHOUT DH or DSD* that should say!

Well if you're not willing to leave, and you won't tell dh how you're feeling then it's just going to carry on for the next few years. Your dd deserves to feel safe in her own home.

I'd be off, I remember the story about the disturbed teenager who killed his four year old sister, Paris Bennett.

You owe it to your daughter to keep her safe and she isn't safe in your house. It doesn't matter how much you love your husband you need to live apart.

Of course you need to sit down and properly communicate with your DH.

This is a really hard situation, and I do feel for you. But I also think you are being somewhat immature. The situation and your DSD behaviours are not tenable. That includes the less worrying behaviours like hogging the TV as well as the very problematic ones like talking about harming animals in front of your DD.

I would recommend an honest, ongoing conversation with your DH. Both of you need to address issues like behaviour at home, interaction with DD & non attendance at school. If necessary you need to have these conversations with the medical professionals supporting your DSD.

I wonder if you recognise she is unwell? Have you compassion for that situation?

Also, her father needs to be addressing the issues as a way of preparing her for the future. Not doing so is crap parenting. As an adult in her life, you should be part of this.

If your DH refuses to engage on this, you should reconsider your relationship. If he truly loves you & his daughters, he should want to do the hard work of parenting.

It is highly likely that your DSD may never leave home - many autistic people are unable to live independently or work, and you need to be aware of this, especially if they have other issues on top of their ASD.

What is she being medicated for? Autism is not medicated for, it can't be, so she must have another diagnosis on top. Is this depression or something more serious like psychosis?

Is it a lot to put up with - and i say this as an autistic person.

My concern would be that she’s only not a risk to your DD because of her medication? What if she starts refusing to take it?

She might not be a physical threat to your DD, but she will be doing enormous damage to her mental health.
You are currently choosing to stay in this marriage/house, prioritising your feelings over your DD. Your DH also seems to prioritise DSD. Who is putting your 4 year old first? If you are still there in 14 years time, your DD may leave and never look back.

I’m not saying this to be unkind, or dramatic. This is exactly what happened in a friend’s family. The older child, who has ASD, and had attempted suicide, had every allowance made and her brother had to grit his teeth and get on with it. Applied to university 300 miles away, never came home again.

You chose to have a child with a man who has a very disturbed child, and who he seems to be opting out of parenting effectively. You now need to chose to protect your DC and give her the best home life you can. It’s time to leave.

I wonder whether she might leave home one day and move into a care home where she will receive one to one funding for support.... I work with people like her....

I didn’t choose to have a child with someone who had a dangerous child. DSD was a very cute little 5 year old with a few difficult behaviours which I thought I could handle based on my decades of work with children.

I really struggle posting on mumsnet because people are so unaware of their instinctive feeling that women should take all of the responsibility for any situation they find themselves in.

So you as a poster have to first convey the nuance of the issues faced by a step mother while simultaneously helping the people who reply to see that they’re victim blaming because everyone seems to hate step mothers. I can’t tell you how many times people have said “well you knew what you were getting into”.

@something2say under a Tory government I doubt it. No DH and DSD’s mother will be supporting her until the day they die.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I remember your previous thread and still think you should leave him or at least live apart. Your priority has to be your own child and your most important job is to keep her safe. I don’t see how that’s possible sharing a home with such a disturbed and dangerous person as your SD.

I agree with that. 100%. I know it isn't easy but it really would be for the best. You can still see your husband but the situation you are in is intolerable. There's only so much you can take and you must put your and your four year old daughter's wellbeing first; it would not be a selfish act.

In your place I would be terrified. Of course I feel sorry for the girl and for your husband but you and your daughter need protection and you won't feel safe living with your stepdaughter.

Please put the wheels in motion.

You literally knew about this situation with his dd, knew he was a bit weak with it and you’ve knowingly put yourself and a little one in harms way

You are not providing a safe environment for your child by staying in this mess

His dd is his dd and there is little to nothing you can do to make things better, especially when your dh isn’t successful in this either.

Think about your dd, make the decision to leave FOR your daughter to give her the best chance at life.

EarringsandLipstick of course I have compassion for the fact she’s ill, hence why I stick around and basically enable all of the behaviours that annoy me but that are part of her mental illness (depression, anxiety maybe bi-polar)
But I also have compassion for myself and my DD. DSD is only with us every other weekend, every Friday and every Wednesday so on the weekends where she’s not with us, things are great! So I think I can (just about) put up with it, it’s just that some weekends she’s worse than others and on those weekends I feel very despairing and turn to the resources I have as an outlet and to help me clarify my feelings.
If I didn’t have DD I would probably leave because the future looks so bleak.
I also go to therapy myself so I am doing things to help the way this all impacts my mental health.

This isn’t your fault. None of it is, but if you choose to stay, the fallout with your dd will be.

This isn’t step mother bashing, honestly it’s not, it’s advising you strongly to put yourself and your dd first and to pick the battles you’re prepared to fight.

You won’t win if you stay, you could lost everything you hold dear.

You have to take the initiative here, your dd needs you to help and save her.