Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

The problem with forums such as this is that everyone’s so quick to say LTB or “just leave” it’s really not as simple as that and it’s very easy advice to give. If I leave I will be making my DD more vulnerable because she will be visiting her dad and half sister alone without me.

• If I didn’t have DD I would probably leave because the future looks so bleak. I also go to therapy myself so I am doing things to help the way this all impacts my mental health.*

Therapy to help you stay in this situation

That’s the definition of throwing good money after bad

The last thing you need is to be conditioned to stay in this situation, it’s the slow car crash to your destruction

Therapy to help you get over the situation once you’re out and to help undo the damage you’ve suffered, absolutely yes.

No amount of therapy is going to change things to make this situation any different because it’s completely out of your hands and always will be

Please don’t get hung up on sunken cost fallacy, your dd needs to be in a safe home, 24 hours a day 7 days a week

You can do this. I know it’s hard, but it’s important for your dd here.

You can make arrangements for dd to see her dad in the time he isn’t seeing dsd.

Your h isn’t a bad man, he’s not stupid, he knows what you would be trying to do and why

@blackbettybramblejam

The problem with forums such as this is that everyone’s so quick to say LTB or “just leave” it’s really not as simple as that and it’s very easy advice to give. If I leave I will be making my DD more vulnerable because she will be visiting her dad and half sister alone without me.

If he only has his DD every other weekend, would your DD have to be there then? Could they alternate? Or he could have her in the week?

If she is there every other weekend and sometimes during the week I guess the compromise is to look forward and, as things open up, find a life that means you are not there when she is. Seriously.
I dunno where you live but I would look at getting a place on a caravan or mobile home park. It would be lovely for your daughter and she would make friends and have lots of outdoor fun.

I am a stepmum by the way, in case you think all the LTBs are coming from non stepmums. Is there anywhere else you and dd can stay away from the home when dsd is there? Until she's more stable?

What do you want people to say? It is an awful and very sad situation. You either stay and suck it up and accept the potential harm to you and your child or you leave and lose dh. Either option is bad. Life has thrown you a tough hand.

If I leave my husband I won’t have any control over who is it isn’t here when I’m gone.
I’m between a rock and a hard place there is no answer.

Lovely idea SpiderinaWingMirror but I’m not made of money!
This kind of situation is a lot easier for rich people who can afford to reside in different places the moment the going gets tough.
I will when lockdown is over plan more outings and visits to see other people though.

I'm so sorry, this sounds tough .

You need to live apart. It's not fair on your very young DD who has no way of protecting herself to expose her to that sort of behaviour. That doesn't mean necessarily ending the relationship, although that may be the end consequence of living apart. In the meantime, can you sleep in DD's room when DSD visits?

This sounds awfully difficult for you and your DD. You mention your cat is pregnant. Given the comments she has made about cutting up animals I would be very wary of her having access to the cat and kittens. Not just from the perspective of protecting them, but also the impact of what her harming them would do to your DD.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you ever thought about systemic family therapy? It really helps with changing the dynamic in your family and engages everyone. She is clearly attention seeking using outrageous behaviour because it works. But you are right to want to safeguard your daughter. I imagine your DH feels pretty powerless and sticks his head in sand? I don't know. All I know is that kids like her need firmer boundaries not enabling and so your DH is not helping her... it may help for him to hear that from someone else. A psychiatrist isn't necessarily the right person to do that and the therapist will be able to support you behaviourally and emotionally as a family.

Is your DSD's mother around? If so does she help to look after her?
Despite loving your DH, I would definitely move out. If your DSD's mother looks after her at all,
perhaps you could spend time with your DH then?

Your DD deserves more and so do you.

The psychiatrist has said she’s not a threat physically. But she definitely is mentally. And potentially a physical one to your cat / kittens. I’d be spending your money on getting yourself a solicitor and specialist advice on how to protect your dd post split. This will be money better spent than therapy on how to get you to cope with the situation. Very unfair to expect a 4 yo just to cope.

Well hang on. No one is being horrible to you. I’m not. I’m a step mum. I don’t think it’s easy. I’m not victim blaming. I remember people being extremely understanding and supportive of your last upsetting thread. You were told not to have SD on your own if she refused to go to school. You were told her parents need to get a grip. You were told your concern should be for yourself and your young child.

You haven’t insisted he makes the changes needed. You haven’t kept your child safe. You’re the one describing a huge range of complaints and worries, some much worse than others.

What do you want people to do? I support you in taking whatever steps you need to to prioritise your vulnerable young daughter. She’s 4. She deserves much much better than you and her father can give her while your house is so unhappy with his older child and her problems in it.

On the one hand you said you want to leave in your first post - the right instinct. On the other you’re accusing people of blindly saying LTB as if it’s easy - a cop out. Likewise now saying you can’t leave because DD would be exposed to SD for contact with her dad without you. Um, no she wouldn’t. Start thinking like a strong protective mother and not like a bit of a moan will fix things. SD is with him EOW, if you split DD could be with him the other WE. Or not at all given he’s currently not interested in providing her with a safe nurturing home and you know you can’t trust him.

If you want help going through the steps you need to to leave him then ask for that. You’ve had good support here before, you’re getting more on this thread, people want to help.

Describing an untenable situation then saying you’re all mean and hate me because I’m a step mum when everyone agrees it’s shit is immature and unhelpful.

You have choices. Everyone has choices here but your 4 year old. Who’s fighting her corner? You know your husband won’t. Your SD seems to enjoy actively upsetting and scaring her. And what are you doing? Okay you love him but that doesn’t mean staying with him at the expense of your daughter’s childhood when he doesn’t love either of you enough to make the changes needed.

@blackbettybramblejam

Lovely idea SpiderinaWingMirror but I’m not made of money! This kind of situation is a lot easier for rich people who can afford to reside in different places the moment the going gets tough. I will when lockdown is over plan more outings and visits to see other people though.

Your situation sounds very tough. If you and your partner were to end up splitting up you would have to finance a life apart. So are you sure you can’t explore options to have a safe space to go in some simple way now?

@Mummyoflittledragon

The psychiatrist has said she’s not a threat physically. But she definitely is mentally. And potentially a physical one to your cat / kittens. I’d be spending your money on getting yourself a solicitor and specialist advice on how to protect your dd post split. This will be money better spent than therapy on how to get you to cope with the situation. Very unfair to expect a 4 yo just to cope.

I agree with you but psychiatrists don't always get it right in every case. I would say the op's stepdaughter has the potential to do physical harm or at the very least, be terrifying and it is hardly a safe environment for a four year old, never mind any pets.

My hope is the op will flee with her daughter as soon as she can.

@blackbettybramblejam

If I leave my husband I won’t have any control over who is it isn’t here when I’m gone. I’m between a rock and a hard place there is no answer.

If you are no longer living there, would it matter who comes and goes?

I think move out because at 14 she has a lot of maturing to do.
When she is 18/ 20 see how things are. By mid twenties she could be a different person. But meanwhile it's not worth making yourself ill trying to cope.
You will be able to have a pleasanter relationship with her if you aren't living with her.

@EarringsandLipstick

Of course you need to sit down and properly communicate with your DH.

This is a really hard situation, and I do feel for you. But I also think you are being somewhat immature. The situation and your DSD behaviours are not tenable. That includes the less worrying behaviours like hogging the TV as well as the very problematic ones like talking about harming animals in front of your DD.

I would recommend an honest, ongoing conversation with your DH. Both of you need to address issues like behaviour at home, interaction with DD & non attendance at school. If necessary you need to have these conversations with the medical professionals supporting your DSD.

I wonder if you recognise she is unwell? Have you compassion for that situation?

Also, her father needs to be addressing the issues as a way of preparing her for the future. Not doing so is crap parenting. As an adult in her life, you should be part of this.

If your DH refuses to engage on this, you should reconsider your relationship. If he truly loves you & his daughters, he should want to do the hard work of parenting.

^ Such a good post. I couldn't agree more. I sympathise with your need to just vent on here but I also wondered where the compassion for this child is and what the plan is for actually helping her and your other DD.

I’d have the conversation with DH alongs the lines of “we need another house, DD and I can’t be around DSD anymore, it’s not fair on DD”.
To he honest my suggestion would be for him to get a flat to see DSD in and you all stay in the family home the rest of the time, although the concern there is that DSD just shows up anyway and causes trouble.
I’d also be very clear that the you live him but you need to protect your vulnerable young child as your priority and you fully expect him too cooperate on this. That means DD and DSD are to be kept apart.
He need to hear you loud and clear on this - his head must be forcefully ripped out of the sand. His daughters need him.

@blackbettybramblejam

The problem with forums such as this is that everyone’s so quick to say LTB or “just leave” it’s really not as simple as that and it’s very easy advice to give. If I leave I will be making my DD more vulnerable because she will be visiting her dad and half sister alone without me.

No she won't if you don't want that, her dad can visit you and her.

I know it isn't easy to break up a home, presumably you jointly own the property and have a mortgage, but where there's a will there's a way.

basically enable all of the behaviours that annoy me but that are part of her mental illness (depression, anxiety maybe bi-polar)

But this isn't helping her?

And regarding your points re some posts saying 'you knew what you were getting into', I agree, this is very unfair. Of course you didn't. You've found yourself in a really tough situation. It would be hard if you were the parent of this troubled girl, it's even harder as a step-parent.

There needs to be a lot less 'maybe' (maybe bi-polar? Really? You are absolutely entitled to push for a firm diagnosis here).

Your DH sounds like he's not willing to properly address this very tough situation. That's why I said you need to sit down & really tackle it with him. If he doesn't start being proactive, you may have no choice but to live separately.

That's an awful situation. I know that. But your DD's welfare, and your own mental health, has to come first.

on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

You have a DH (and DSD) problem. He’s not doing her any favours by allowing this behaviour to go unchallenged. He should be looking for ways to encourage her back into school, regardless of what’s on tv. He should be parenting her! It’s obviously difficult but given the improvements made since her medication has been sorted it’s down to him and her mother to address the parts of her behaviour that contribute to this awful atmosphere.

@Youseethethingis

I’d have the conversation with DH alongs the lines of “we need another house, DD and I can’t be around DSD anymore, it’s not fair on DD”. To he honest my suggestion would be for him to get a flat to see DSD in and you all stay in the family home the rest of the time, although the concern there is that DSD just shows up anyway and causes trouble. I’d also be very clear that the you live him but you need to protect your vulnerable young child as your priority and you fully expect him too cooperate on this. That means DD and DSD are to be kept apart. He need to hear you loud and clear on this - his head must be forcefully ripped out of the sand. His daughters need him.

Agree with this and also @AnneLovesGilbert

You’ve posted for a reason. - presumably that things are no better or worse and you can’t see any improvements on the horizon. You’ve given several examples of your DH enabling and supporting actions and behaviours which are problematic. In the midst of this is tiny child who needs protecting. It doesn’t sound as if your DH is protecting her, so you absolutely must.

I also echo what @CoconutFatFeast said about protecting your cat and her kittens, especially as your DSD has already expressed control there.