Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

I really feel for you, and while I can see that the biggest problem is DSD, your second biggest problem is DH. He is NOT addressing her issues at all, nor is he taking listening to you or taking your concerns about DSD seriously at all. In fact, he is passing the buck to you completely, I suspect. This is totally unfair. You are disempowered simply by being a SM, and then he is doing sweet F.A. to either commit to handing over the reigns completely or standing up and growing a pair. I think your concerns for your DD’s safety are valid, but you could arrange visitation for when DSD is not around. It is not an unreasonable expectation given how high-needs DSD actually is.

Also, you are allowed to say “No” to DSD naming your kittens. It’s your cat and your house. If DH doesn’t back you up, it’s his problem.

@justilou1

Also, you are allowed to say “No” to DSD naming your kittens. It’s your cat and your house. If DH doesn’t back you up, it’s his problem.

I thought the same but also wondered if it would be easier to just ignore her and include name choices from everyone. Unless you are planning to keep them all, the name thing is a shorter term issue, but overriding everyone else in the house on this, esp a 4yo is not to be encouraged.

I think you need to seek specialist support from people who have experience of children with PDA and autism.

If you are serious about being in it for the long haul, find out as much as you can.

For a child with PDA to act in the ways you've described, they will have been very distressed.

You might find yourself having to drop some of your preconceptions about what parenting should look like as they won't help your DSD - and if you want things to improve you need to gain a better understanding and more flexibility towards her.

Happy to talk more via PM if you would like to

OP. I’ve read the full thread and am slightly confused. What are you here for? To simply vent about the situation? Or for people to tell you their honest views?

Because reading your full posts, you’ve become incredibly defensive very quickly. Thinking some posters are randomly saying LTB, without foundation. Or because it’s easy for them.

Here’s the thing. They’re not. This is an extreme situation (and it is). I absolutely appreciate those saying empathy needs to be given to SD as mental healthy issues are not in her control and I whole heartedly agree. That however does not make this situation any less extreme. To cope with this and justify staying, you have created a narrative and cling to said narrative; part of that being psychiatrist saying she’s not a threat to someone else.
In my mind that’s a psychiatrist playing god when a young child and animals are in this home environment. Newsflash; psychiatrists are not god and nor do they know how someone’s mental health can turn/ be triggered.

However, I hope you recognise that you are getting defensive because posters are (rightly) challenging your narrative that allows you to justify staying.

Now ultimately, this is your life, your home, your cat/ kittens and your daughter. You have every right to continue to manage the situation and best case scenario - no other person/ animal is physically harmed by SD. Everyone (including your 4 year old however) categorically will bear mental / emotional scars through exposure to this behaviour.

Worst case, this turns. And if something does happen? The first people/ living beings that will be removed from that environment will be the 4 year old and the animals. To which you will no doubt say, well I would leave with my 4 year old, if that happened.

Well if you would. It begs the question why you wouldn’t now. The stakes are high here OP, and I cannot fathom how your ‘love’ for your partner trumps the realisation that your 4 year old needs to be removed from this environment.

Oh and before any poster piles in saying ‘what would you do if the SD was not a step daughter but her daughter? You wouldn’t just up and leave if this was happening in a nuclear family!’

My response is simple. It’s not a nuclear family. The Op is not this child’s parent. She is however parent to a very young, vulnerable child whose eyes and ears will be absorbing everything from this environment; including the behaviours. And the more the adults around her normalise it, so too will she.

I was exposed, once as a young child to an adult in my home ranting. They were threatening to kill everyone/ burn the house down. I must have been 8 or 9, I was young. I couldn’t sleep, I sat at the top of the stairs petrified that this person would try and harm the people I loved. When said person eventually fell asleep I went to the kitchen and removed all the knives and matches. Hid them in my bedroom and then I slept. The next morning my mother found them and was horrified.

I’m sharing this very personal story OP because as grown woman now. I can go back to that night in a heartbeat and remember the absolute fear I had. It was very real. It was horrific. That memory has not lessened over time - it was traumatic.

I cannot even begin to imagine what repeated exposure to something like that (or worse) could have done to my mental health.

Stop normalising this. Protect your 4 year old!

Have you looked into some kind of special residential school for her? She’s ruining her own life as well as yours.

Please don’t make your daughter grow up with an older sibling that terrorises and frightens her. It isn’t fair for her to live on eggshells like this. Please protect her, the psychologist may have said your stepdaughter is safe but it isn’t an exact science - it’s a risk assessment and like all, some people slip through the cracks.

Unfortunately no one is going to be able to give you advice to reach the solution you want- you, DH and your DD living happily ever after and cutting contact with your step daughter, although given the circumstance it's not unreasonable for you to feel this way. The sad truth is that you have to think of your DD, and if that means moving out then so be it. It's not easy, no, the situation sucks and none of it is your fault. I don't think you have much to lose by being open and honest with DH though.

I have NO power she is not my child. She is just my problem. I can’t effect any kind of change.

@ sassbott I’m so sorry to read that you went through that. Just awful.
My DD is oblivious as far as I can tell and eventually I would like to tell DD that her sister has a mental illness and autism which means that she x, y, z so that DD doesn’t end up internalising her sister’s odd / rejecting/ antisocial behaviours and realises it’s nothing personal, it’s just that she’s unwell.

You’re not a helpless victim in this OP and your language seems to make me think that’s how you’re feeling. Can I ask, is your husband not worried about your 4 year old? And her mental health? Has he spoken about it? Discussed it with you?

How do you explain to her that her sister is threatening to chop up innocent animals but that’s not normal or acceptable?

@blackbettybramblejam thank you.
But that’s not how children’s feelings work. There is the the thinking/ rational side to this. Then there are the emotions.
Your child will feel scared/ unsettled. That’s a fact. It’s primal and how we as a species survive. If anyone of us were in a situation where someone was threatening to cut themselves/ animals, we would (without even giving it any thought) remove ourselves sharpish. If we had children (our vulnerable young with us), our first instinct would be to remove them/ shield them.

Your daughter will be no different. Intellectually (as she gets older), she may start to understand that her sister is unwell. It won’t stop the fear and other complex emotions however.

People think they can shield children from this stuff. Children absorb and hear everything.

DSD has not been as extreme for nearly 2 years now.
The drugs have helped and she is no longer a physical danger to herself or anyone else I don’t believe.
What’s left are her parents who are so traumatised by their daughter being suicidal that they bend and bough to her every whim without an eye on her future.
She is an unpleasant character that I have to put up with because on balance my DD is better off with her living father in a nuclear family than she would be visiting her dad and step sister who takes all the energy and consideration from the family system by just being who she is, leaving all but crumbs for everyone else. At least if I’m present at all times I can step in and compensate for that fact.
My DH when I speak to him about my frustrations says that he feels like a lynch pin trying to keep me and his daughter happy and it pulls him in a horrible conflicted state.
But I think he’s failing to see that I am the real lynch pin in this situation suffering in silence daily.

sassbott
My DD was not present when any of these things happened. DSD was at her mums house.

DSD is fascinated by bones. She collects them see: autism special interests.
She spoke of collecting road kill and cutting its head off. It’s al bravado, she doesn’t even leave her room!
I will speak to her about this though.

What meds is she on op because they don't Medicate for autism. Are her meds for another condition? Can you suggest a residential school? Do you believe she will never be independent?

It doesn’t matter if you tell your daughter her sister has MH issues. By the time she’s old enough to understand it the damage will be done. She will be living on eggshells for her whole childhood, being intentionally frightened by her sister and having to put up with her strange behaviour.

I would give your husband an ultimatum I’m sorry to say - either he finds her a residential school of some kind, or you and DD will move out.

Honestly, don’t do this to her. With respect it isn’t about you and what you want, it’s about her.

I worry that she’ll never be independent mainly because her parents aren’t putting any building blocks in place for this.
The medication is for depression and anxiety (a lot of people with autism have such co-morbidities)
Residential school!? They can’t even get her to wash her hair!

I’m not going to leave just yet.I’m not willing to do that to DD.

By the way thank you to people on this thread who have given advice and help.

To others I’m sorry I won’t be able to give you the satisfying and binary story arc that a good thread usually entails. I have a lot of nuanced things to weigh up and this is an unfixable problem.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing surely?

You don't have to split up from your husband to live separately - it might mean selling up and renting/buying two smaller properties in the short term.

If you do leave him, you could agree your DD visits on opposite days/weekends to SD so they wouldn't be together without you being there.

You sound at the end of your tether and I understand how awful this must be for you, whilst also having compassion for your SD, she sounds very unwell.

this is an unfixable problem

It's not, but you are fixated on the one thing that cannot be changed. You recognise that the parents are traumatised by what's happened, but that over the past 2 years things have been more manageable through medication, but there isn't a "fix" that magically makes everything change. His DD isn't 'broken', she will likely require support throughout her life due to things beyond her control though. Do you think she enjoys living like she does? You speak with little respect for her, it's sad really. The kindest thing to do would be to leave so that she doesn't have to spend time with you anymore, someone who feels this way about her. I do empathise, but with each update it's clear the only thing you want is for her to disappear, but this is his daughter as much as your DD is yours.

I am guessing, from what you have written, that you husband will not agree to see his daughters separately from each other. If this is the case, I can see why you have a problem.
I can tell you, though, that growing up in a home with family members with severe mental health conditions (where violence and aggression are features) is very damaging. I am not blaming the person with the mental health issue, but, IME, their needs and wants always trump everyone else's, which isn't fair, especially on younger siblings.

Poor girl, . Sad child probably unable to voice her pain.