Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

So you do just want sympathy and aren’t interested in doing anything to protect your child. I’d start saving for therapy for your her as everyone in her life is putting themselves above her.

There’s lots of nuancing factors but that doesn’t mean there is a nuanced outcome to match. Either:

1. The SD leaves and you carry on as you are
2. The SD stays, and you and DD leave
3. You all stay and continue to be miserable

There is simply no other outcome. Bar SD making a miraculous recovery which seems very unlikely.

You’re looking for a magic bullet, but there isn’t one. Nobody will be able to say anything that will make it magically all right.

Even if your SD doesn’t do anything extremely dangerous again, do you really want your daughter to dread coming home from school? Not bring friends home due to embarrassment? Have to fight her sibling to be able to watch a bit of TV? Have to put up with her spoiling every Christmas and birthday? It’s no life for a child.

@Wondermule

Have you looked into some kind of special residential school for her? She’s ruining her own life as well as yours.

Please don’t make your daughter grow up with an older sibling that terrorises and frightens her. It isn’t fair for her to live on eggshells like this. Please protect her, the psychologist may have said your stepdaughter is safe but it isn’t an exact science - it’s a risk assessment and like all, some people slip through the cracks.

Have you looked into the Kisimul group of schools? A friend has a ds at one of their schools and thinks very highly of them.

www.kisimul.co.uk/

You think you're suffering more than your husband? He has two daughters, one of whom has significant difficulties and has been suicidal. He's been traumatised by this and then on the other hand he has a wife and daughter who are being damaged by what's happened with his first daughter. It's not difficulty top trumps, but if it was i would say his position is harder.

You can walk away any time you like. He is in the middle and let's someone down whoever he chooses to prioritise. And it's not really surprising that he sees a child who has been suicidal as needing more support. What are you expecting from him? I would have thought he's spread pretty thin by now. Maybe he can't actually give you whatever it is you want from him.

I think you need to start from the place of protecting your daughter. You’re not—your starting point seems to be your feelings. I can guarantee she has been affected a hell of a lot more than you think. You’re not protecting her here. Your daughter is the only one without agency, you tell yourself that you have no choices in order to numb the guilt from the choice you are making every day.

I cont believe the hard time you're getting on here,OP. Step mothers really aren't allowed to express concern about anything if even a step child who attacked people with knives is apparently beyond reproach.

You're a human being. This child has brought (whether it's her fault or not) an enormous amount of trauma into your life and your daughters childhood. That is significant and difficult and complex. I'm sorry people have been so dismissive of your experience.

Like you say, there are no easy answers. Not much is in your control and leaving your husband won't solve the problem.

All I would suggest is couples counseling with you DH to get on the same page about how to protect your marriage and your younger daughter in an extremely challenging and draining situation. He owes you at least that.

It's different for me, but my in laws are HARD. Mental health stuff, personality disorders, verbally abusive and screaming because they don't like the flowers we gave them kind of difficult. Not DH's fault. But he felt he was duty bound to keep them heavily involved in our lives. It made my life very very very hard and I was concerned for my children. Going to couples counselling to talk about the impact of this on me was really helpful. We understood each other better and DH learned to set boundaries.

It is hard in a marriage when there is always a 'squeaky wheel' getting all the grease (focus, time, attention). Your DSD is a perpetually squeaky wheel and if you don't carve out some space in your life for yourself and DD to come first then it will wear you all down. It will never occur to DH to prioritise you, someone needs to tell him

OP, you are right in that you cannot effect any change in your SD's behavior. The medication, therapy, and SD's responsiveness to the medications and therapy will effect the changes in her behavior.

What you can control and should own are your responses to her situation and the decisions that you make in terms of remaining in your current situation.

Your husband has 2 daughters, one of whom has a serious illness. He cannot simply walk away. Given the time schedule that you described , the daughter does not spend very much time in your household.

How would you handle it differently if she were your biological daughter? What do you want your husband to do that he is not doing?
It sounds as though, he and the mom are taking her for the appropriate treatments and interventions.

You say that you detest being a step mother, but you alone are making the decision to remain as a stepmother. A more accurate statement would be that you detest "your decision" to remain as a stepmother.

Many things may be forced upon you, but the choice to remain in this situation is one that you are freely choosing. The SD did not choose her illness; your daughter did not choose to have a sibling with an illness. Your husband did not choose to have an ill child, but you did and are continuing to choose to stay in a situation that you detest.

If you are as unhappy as you seem to be, the ability to liberate you from this unhappy situation has always been within easy reach for you.

Get social services a,lot more involved with step daughters care !

She really needs it !

Where on earth is step daughter mother is in the situation to support and help daughter !

Her real mother is not much /no good !

She is as much support as a fish on bike !

and this is an unfixable problem.

As PPs have said, it's not.

But you're not open to the suggestions being made.

I feel enormous sympathy for you OP. But I do also for your DH & DSD, and your DD. I think you are being a bit indulgent to yourself too, 'suffering in silence' reference etc.

You are a parent. You are married. You need to step up & have conversations, meaningful ones, with your husband. If he doesn't respond in a way that meets your & DD needs sufficiently, you need to take positive action thereafter.

Many posters have asked - what is DSD medicated for? What's her diagnosis? You mentioned 'possible' bipolar? But what's she currently on medication for?

Op, you don’t have to live like this. He has 2 daughters, but you don’t. You can be free of this and make a new life for you and your daughter.
She matters the most to you.

@thosetalesofunexpected what do you mean the DSD's mother is no use? She has her the majority of the time! OP's burden and that of her DH is much less than that on the mother of such an unwell child. Also please remember that this mother survived her own child pulling a knife on her!

It is not fair to expect more of the mother. She has sought appropriate treatment for the child, the child has improved a lot. she has her most of the time, I'm sure her life is no bed of roses!

Could you and DD go away every other weekend so you only see DSD during the weeknight contact? Wouldn't have to be expensive - you could stay with your parents or friends or cheap travelodge deal or something. I realise it's not ideal but might help a bit

I think a lot of posters here have no experience of being related to an incredibly challenging person. There is no swift fix for the girls very complicated and overlapping diagnoses. Even with the best treatment in the world, it's likely this young woman will remain very challenging company. At best.

It is what it is, it's incredibly sad and hard. Carers who go the distance are saints.

Is there social services residential respite support for difficult kids/teenagers like your step daughter out there then on a regular basis ?

find out as soon as possible about this and encourage your husband and step daughter to sign up for this !

@thosetalesofunexpected
The child is only at the OP's home every other weekend and one day during the week. It would appear that Jer mother has the bulk of time and responsibility for her. The child is receiving medical treatment. What exactly do you think that her mother is not doing?

It is not the mother's place or responsibility to manage whay happens when the daughter is with her father.

The mother is probably even more concerned about the situation and the daughter's well being than Is OP.

@thosetalesofunexpected if she is eligible for respite surely the mother who is the primary carer should be the one to access it, not the every-other-weekend plus one day midweek dad.

Shuttling her to a third home would probably do more harm than good.

You wouldn’t be doing it to your daughter, you’d be doing it for her.
But you’d rather just accept that this is her life and yours, because as you say you are powerless to change a thing.

Also is there support group for families in the same/or similar situation as yourself then?

Look on the internet for further infor on this too,

Also is there school holidays provision for teenagers /children for parents to have a break from in your area through children's charity or social services etc then?

.."because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling."

This is important, I think OP. You mention that you have worked with children - do you feel guilty, as if you should be coping better with DSD?

This is impossibly hard for you and, as you say, far more nuanced that any of us here can understand. It might not be 'fixable' but it might improve if you have counselling with your DH. Because it doesn't sound like he is completely aware of how you feel. And it also sounds completely unsustainable as it is.

I think it is human nature when at the end of your capacity to cope to become almost paralysed. You are tempted to make massive changes but are rejecting small ones that might make a difference. Cut yourself some slack, you are far from a wicked stepmother - you sound thoughtful and caring to all parties here. Actually talking about this more formally with your DH might be the start of a new, easier era.

I'd be having the conversation, I'm not stopping you seeing DSD, but she can't be in the same house as me and our DD. You need to sort something to save our relationship and protect our child.

I'm sorry OP but right now, you are not capable of being a parent to your daughter. You are failing to protect her safety, which really is parenting on its most basic level.

You started this thread with a tale of how truly awful and dangerous your SD is and since then, have done your best to backtrack by claiming her behaviour has been fine for two years, she's not a threat etc. You love your husband, I get it, but you need to accept that you are quite clearly prioritising this love over your daughter's mental and physical well-being. I'm sorry if that's difficult for you to accept, but it's extremely obvious.

The excuses you are using as to why you can't leave hold very little weight. As other posters have told you, if you leave, you can insist your husband spends time with your daughter in your house, or you can send her there when the SD is not there. It really isn't a difficult concept but you're not even entertaining the idea because quite frankly, you would rather remain with your husband than do right by your husband.

I really do hope for your daughter's sake that she gets out of this mess unscathed when she is older. From what you've said, it's highly unlikely that she will not have some level of trauma from the events - and I say that as someone who works with children who have mental health issues.

You need to leave.