Detest being a step parent on every level.

[blackbettybramblejam]

DSD (14) has always been difficult (I’ve been with her dad since she was 5) Since DSD tried to attack her parents with a kitchen knife, snuck downstairs at 4am to steal a knife and take to school to self harm with I have felt very uneasy/ traumatised/ adrenalised around her.
She sneaks up behind you, lays in bed for 13 hours a day and when we get DD (age 4) to bed DSD hogs the TV for the whole evening which means I don’t get any down time with DH.
I find her very unpleasant. I have a young daughter (age 4) and although DSD is now ‘better’ (on medication) she always talks about cutting up road kill, trying to be edgy but it disturbs DD (4) I just ignore it all but I do worry because she’s a school refuser and on Tuesday told her dad that she wouldn’t be going to school tomorrow because she was planning on watching something on line for a few hours during the day on Wednesday. DH allowed this!

She had an autism diagnosis but I just worry that this trajectory is going to end up with me financially supporting someone well into adulthood who I have always disliked.
I toy with leaving DH but I love him so much and because I’m so desperate not to be cast as the wicked step mother I never say anything about how I’m feeling.

I don’t want to do it to DD (age 4).

What can be done?

That was obviously supposed to say, than do right by your child**

I haven’t read all this thread, but where her mum at?

OP
I totally understand as I have a nonverbal autistic daughter who presents with behaviours that challenge.
She was not like this ,well not as physically challenging till she hit early puberty.
She was an adorable nonverbal child, now she beats,knocks ,hits ,scratches, physically can jump on my back and pull me down.
I have so many scars on my body, hands ,wrists ,back and legs.
If anyone heard the noise they would never believe that it was this lovely smiling girl that was the main instigator.
She is not like this all the time.
I have great support from all necessary agencies.
Just wanted posters to know that sometimes the changes are massive.
OP you have my untold sympathy in this matter.I hope that she will be at the right time be given access to some form of supported living.
I totally feel for all of you .
My daughters squealing in delight at somethings thats just passed by at the window, less than 20 mins ago she ripped her elder sisters T shirt knocking her on the eye her sisters in her 20s.
Whatever happens I wish you well.

I would leave and find my own place.

No need for you to take on all the donkey work, DSD isn't your child.

Imagine your own place to call home without her there. Bliss.

What a difficult situation.

I have an autistic child and a NT one, both are still very young (my dx ASD DS is 3 and my seemingly NT girl is almost 2) and I'm already worried about the impact DS' disabilities will have on DD as she grows up. He's already scared of him when he lashes out and appears to tread on eggshells. I can only hope as he gets older the violence and outbursts lessen, with the right support.

If I was in this situation with a step child and not my bio child, I would absolutely leave at whatever cost.

I have traumatic memories from being privy to a mentally ill relatives breakdown. It's not good for a child to witness those things.

This is not an unfixable problem. Fact.

The fact that you’re making it so is your choice. It’s also clear that you view removing your DD from this situation as more harmful to her emotional well-being than removing her/ yourself.

Ultimately you are her parent and that’s your choice to make. I think virtually everyone on here (when viewing the facts as you’ve presented them) is super clear on the fact that a 4 year old being exposed to this is actually deeply harmful. And I agree that since your OP, you’re backtracking (potentially minimising) the reality based on some the very clear responses on here.

You say at one point that your DD seems oblivious. She’s 4. Even if she is experiencing something she is too young to be able to verbalise complex emotions. Children are resilient and will very easily implement coping strategies that allow them to survive in highly dysfunctional environments.

You also say you are in counselling to support you / your mental health as a result of what is going on.

It’s a real shame that you can’t see what we all can. You can love this man. He may be an exceptional father/ husband. Your DD no doubt adores him. So yes, removing her from this family unit will be a loss for her. So I can see why (when faced with that very real upheaval and loss), you think you can manage this situation for the greater good.

I think your aim is admirable. I think it’s intensely naive however. I would have my children (and pets) shielded from this level of dysfunction in a heartbeat. This isn’t going to get easier.

Do you really think this is the best life for you and your daughter?

I have traumatic memories from being privy to a mentally ill relatives breakdown. It's not good for a child to witness those things.

This times 100. Listen to the people who are adults now and who were exposed to this. I am now no contact with a substantial amount of my family due to their complete inability to protect me, a young child from this situation.

I would move heaven and earth before I risked even close to history repeating itself with one of my children. Children absorb EVERYTHING!

Op -this is an incredibly difficult situation, and I really feel for you.
However, you are not hearing what others have said about you and your dd living separately away from dsd.
If you were to live separately, your dd would ONLY have contact at her dad's house when dsd wasn't there, thus she would be safe.
To do otherwise would defeat the whole purpose of living separately!
Living separately, I can see see no reason why your husband couldn't also be a regular visitor in your home (obviously without dsd) and you could also visit dh's home when dd is with him. You don't need to divorce, but just live separately.
I really think that unless you implement a plan to separate dd from dsd, the risk to dd is unacceptably high to dd in terms of her long term life long mental health, let alone possible physical risks. Why wait for irrepairable damage to be done?
Can you tell us what stops you considering these living arrangements?

Just to add, it's very likely that these issues will be picked up when your dd starts school and that dependent on the circumstances at that point, there could be a risk of either dsd or dd being removed from the family against your will.
Better to plan and implement changes now for the best possible solutions and outcome, without the pressures and drama of having to act in a hurry after traumatic events for your dd.

I don’t understand your comment about “residential school? They can’t even make her wash her hair”.

Who is “they”? Has she tried a residential school before and they couldn’t make her wash her hair?

Or are you saying her parents wouldn’t be able to get her to go to a residential school as they can’t even make her wash her hair? Because if that’s the case I think they need to give their head a wobble. I can’t imagine any kid at a residential school went willingly in the first place.

If you look at the link I put about kisimul school it talks about increasing their independence, etc. So giving them strategies to help them mature and deal with stuff. Which is one of the things you said you were worried for her. At 14yo you’re running out of time to give her as much support and help as you can. By the time she’s an adult there won’t be those options. Maybe your dh and his ex need to show her some tough love and not give her any options.

OP - I’m not going to go into detail because I worry it would be too outing, but I am in a similar, although less extreme situation. I knew my DSC had SEN when I met him but he was just a generally sweet, but challenged child at the time. There were no indications of the later violence and aggression that has since followed.

It’s so tough with your own DC because you desperately want to protect them, but also know that allowances must be made. It creates a very difficult dynamic when you have one child that has zero boundaries and is constantly dictating what the rest of the household does.

I have a firm boundary in my mind and that I have shared with DH re what I will tolerate for my own DC and I do not think the behaviours you have mentioned would be within that. We have had periods where the children need constant 1-2-1 and I’ve had to physically separate them for my DC’s safety. When we were discussing having children I made very clear to my DH that we cannot have DSC full time whilst our own children are young.

Personally, I couldn’t allow my child’s home environment to be so hostile and fraught and am not surprised re a PP’s comments that their friend son fled as soon as they could. Home should be a sanctuary.

Also re care homes/boarding schools, my experience is that there is still some provision for those that shoot the loudest. It seems to be really unfair in how it is allocated though.

OP I missed that your SD stays EOW - can you not stay with family for the duration with DD or alternatively can your DH stay away with SD?

OP, it’s such a difficult situation. And quite similarly, my own DP has a dd who has a very similar profile. Her parents sort of gave up trying although the psychiatrist sorted the meds to stabilise her mood. She eventually stopped sleeping most the day. But hasn’t moved on from there. Except there is so much more to be done to build life skills and self esteem. Her parents aren’t up for it. The parents are crucial and you’re only a bystander. In the case of DP’s dd, she is turning 20 soon, and she’s still exactly where she was in terms of her skills and independence as when she was 14. You might want to take note of that.

The dd is unlikely to gain independence within such an enabling environment. In my case my DP ‘hopes’ something will change but the complexity would suggest otherwise.

There aren’t residential homes for this.

As a step mum you are utterly powerless. I’m going to be blunt here. You’re not a lynchpin. You’re a bystander. You literally have no voice and no say in this.

I believe in fact that his dd sounds like she is no longer necessarily a risk, perhaps, but that you find this life suffocating. And I understand why.

You’ve two choices I’m afraid, stick it out and play the victim or leave. If it were me I would rip the plaster off and make a better life for myself.

I’m so sorry about the complexity of it all.

Hopefully with restrictions lifting you'll be able to go and stay with friends and family with your DD on the weekends DSD is staying. Minimise the contact in the short term.
Perhaps have a gentle conversation with DH about DSDs independence path as she becomes an adult. Get him thinking about it.
Seems an impossible situation so

OK. Time to inject a little hope here. Perhaps OPs SD is not the next serial killer in development. Maybe she is the next Abby Sciuto (NCIS).

Can you talk to her and get any response? Can you drop in suggestions about forensic science/pathology as a career path? Inspire her to go back to school and get qualifications? I have a relative who does something highly useful but distinctly yuk and gory for a living - where there's muck there's brass as they say. What horrifies you now about dissecting (dead) roadkill could turn into a passion for one of those jobs that no-one else would do.

She lacks motivation. Try and find some. You'll have to get into her head to get clues. Once fired up, autistic people are some of the best and most reliable workers.

If it's as bad around her for your daughter as people here fear - can you build a cabin at the bottom of the garden? Somewhere where you can have sanctuary when she is in residence?

@SpaceshiptoMars

OK. Time to inject a little hope here. Perhaps OPs SD is not the next serial killer in development. Maybe she is the next Abby Sciuto (NCIS).

Can you talk to her and get any response? Can you drop in suggestions about forensic science/pathology as a career path? Inspire her to go back to school and get qualifications? I have a relative who does something highly useful but distinctly yuk and gory for a living - where there's muck there's brass as they say. What horrifies you now about dissecting (dead) roadkill could turn into a passion for one of those jobs that no-one else would do.

She lacks motivation. Try and find some. You'll have to get into her head to get clues. Once fired up, autistic people are some of the best and most reliable workers.

If it's as bad around her for your daughter as people here fear - can you build a cabin at the bottom of the garden? Somewhere where you can have sanctuary when she is in residence?

😳

OP should encourage her into a career in forensics (when she won’t even brush her own hair) and build a bunker at the bottom of the garden so her 4 year old daughter can escape to somewhere safe?

Heard it all now

OP... if you left/moved out with your DD... and explained its because of the stress of DSD and your worry about DD... do you think he'd understand?

It you framed it not as you ending the relationship, but living apart because of how you don't feel safe around DSD and the impact on your mental health.

Surely if he understand how you feel and the anxiety you feel, he should be okay with this to protect you and his DD4.

Then if you said he can come and see DD4 anytime, but not with DSD.

Do you think part of the problem is that he'd struggle with DSD without you?

@Wondermule
OP should encourage her into a career in forensics (when she won’t even brush her own hair)

It's astonishing, I know, but for some people, it is a matter of pure irrelevance whether their hair is brushed or not. It does not affect their ability to earn a living in their chosen profession.

The OP is in some ways less functional than the SD. The SD takes the meds that may give her an opportunity to have a better life. The OP refuses to take the control that is within her hands to give herself the stress reduced life that she claims to want.

She sees the fault and failings of the dad, ,but she is not taking ownership of her failing to exert the control that she has. It is always difficult when facing life altering decisions but that does not justify not making those decisions.

The OP has the choice of continuing to view herself as martyr to her circumstances or she can become the director of her own situation.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Wondermule
OP should encourage her into a career in forensics (when she won’t even brush her own hair)

It's astonishing, I know, but for some people, it is a matter of pure irrelevance whether their hair is brushed or not. It does not affect their ability to earn a living in their chosen profession.[/quote]
It’s less about the SD having unkempt hair at work and more to do with the fact she has zero motivation!

@Wondermule
Motivation is the key. For someone with autism, it will be something pretty specific. Once you find the key, the results can be astounding. This girl needs sight of something she can do. At the moment she cannot see her place in the world, because it will be doing something extraordinarily unusual or not invented yet. When all the ordinary jobs are replaced by robots, she could still be going strong!

Can you turn some of her bizarre interests into more palatable ones? Could the interest in bones and corpses become an interest in anatomy? Could the interest in roadkill become an interest in living an alternative lifestyle? Or the interest in butchering roadkill turn into an interest in working as a butcher? With a child with autism you've got to go with their interests, I know it's not your responsibiliy really but if you can get her interested in something positive related to those (or with the help of her dad) she might have a shot at getting a job and becoming independent x

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Wondermule
Motivation is the key. For someone with autism, it will be something pretty specific. Once you find the key, the results can be astounding. This girl needs sight of something she can do. At the moment she cannot see her place in the world, because it will be doing something extraordinarily unusual or not invented yet. When all the ordinary jobs are replaced by robots, she could still be going strong![/quote]
Unless they programme a robot to perform an autopsy 😩 could be a better idea actually, less scarring.

The difficulty with suggesting SD’s interests be redirected to something more productive is that OP isn’t best placed to do that. Her parents are the ones, if anybody, who ought to be guiding and directing OP and it’s likely outside of OP’s remit as step parent.

@DinoHat

The difficulty with suggesting SD’s interests be redirected to something more productive is that OP isn’t best placed to do that. Her parents are the ones, if anybody, who ought to be guiding and directing OP and it’s likely outside of OP’s remit as step parent.

Speaking as a step-parent, I disagree. This may be the one successful role you can perform. After the rest of the family have given up on the child, you come in as a fresh pair of eyes and ears. You may be that child's best chance of a good future. Been there, done it.

However, don't expect any gratitude The child would have succeeded without you, it was only a matter of time. Step back into the shadows and resume your place. Your only satisfaction will be a job well done.