Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

ukgift2016

If you'd RTFT you'd see that he moved back to his home area for financial reasons following the relationship breakdown, after having moved away with his ex wife to be nearer to her family. That's not the same as "rubbish Dad who doesn't care and has just left his family on the other side of the country", is it.

And that justifies leaving your two young children? Many parents are forced to stay living in areas after separation, to remain near to their children. He sees his kids once a month, that is not a good father. Works for OP though as she doesn't have the step kids around much.

My opinion.

I agree with this statement he didn't have to completely move all the way back home he could have even moved half way between the two places but as parent you make sacrifices and put you're children first. He hasn't done that though. His first 2 children are getting crumbs once a month visit whilst the mother is doing the majority of the parenting, school runs, activities and day to day parenting. How is that remotely fair? Then to add insult hes now having a new baby. Surely op could have moved closer to the existing children to prioritising the existing children's relationships with their dc but whats done is done and then we get situations like this. 24 times a year is pathetic amount of contact. Its clear this isn't a long term solution. How can the children form sibling bonds in hotel rooms, they need to be able to establish loving connections and memories with their father and sibling.

@Teardrop2021 The matter has been solved I'm now enjoying maternity while very heavily pregnant.

Your opinion on my life is fine...but we have zero intentions of moving. Our livelihood, our home and family are where we are. My baby and my life will not be up rooted

@EggBobbin May half term is the next contact date so we can have our baby then have DP kids for a week.

Let's face it he's a deadbeat dad. I only hope he doesn't do the same to you OP.

Userwoman1990 you clearly will prioritise yourself over those children who will continue to get the crumbs from their father, what an utter disgrace. Am I reading right that It will be 12 week in total before he next sees them? Your having a baby not the next messiah! I couldn't be with someone who thought so little of their young children that he couldn't live within a reasonable living distance to actually parent them and leaves it down to the mothe, stepfather and grandparents. Why on gods earth should she travel to meet you on her one childfree day off a month at her own expense. Maybe when you have this baby and when its gets older you might realise just how hard it is being a parent but then imagine doing it alone without the support of the other parent who just decided they didn't want to play an active role anymore. Are you not embarrassed because I know I would be telling people this set up. The ones who miss out are the children.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Let's face it he's a deadbeat dad. I only hope he doesn't do the same to you OP.

This.

I would be deeply suspicious of a man that chooses to relocate, meaning he can only see his children once a month.

I bet if he broke up with OP in a few years and moved 3 hours away, she would be outraged 🙄

Wondermule I suspect the contact will be come less and less and the baby will be come the new excuse its already started and eventually contact will stop. Ops posts.comes.across very cold towards to two children there's no warmth towards two children or any concerns they might have with the new arrival just her own needs and wants.

@Teardrop2021

Wondermule I suspect the contact will be come less and less and the baby will be come the new excuse its already started and eventually contact will stop. Ops posts.comes.across very cold towards to two children there's no warmth towards two children or any concerns they might have with the new arrival just her own needs and wants.

More fool OP. These leopards never change their spots. Anyone that can move 3 hours away leaving their ex with a 6 month old baby is not the sort of man I would want to settle down with. The new girlfriend always assumes he will be ‘different’ with their baby and makes every excuse for him under the sun... until he does it to her as well. I’ve seen this many times.

@Teardrop2021

Userwoman1990 you clearly will prioritise yourself over those children who will continue to get the crumbs from their father,

It's human nature to a degree...he hasn't prioritised his own flesh and blood...and is a once a month feature in their lives, so the argument could be why should she prioritise them?

SandyY2K I get what your saying but I just can't fathom why a woman could be with someone who could move 3hrs away from their 6month old child and 3 year old. They must have met very quickly after he moved aswell. Most women I know would raise an eyebrow at that situation regardless if he wanted to be close to family he could have moved half way in-between you make sacrifices as a parent. The fact op can come on here and complain about how time with her baby can be affected due to contact with two innocent dc who didn't ask their df to move away and who really do get limited contact is quite frankly shocking.

Before we all judge there is alot you don't know. I am here to discuss and problem solve for me and not to hash out decisions made before I even got involved.

Me and my partner have known each other a very long time we are from the same town and we started dating a year after he came back. But we took it slow and three years on nearly 4 we have made it work.

Will he leave me to move ? who knows what the future holds, he hasn't indicated that he wants to and only shares that he is committed. We are also engaged. Baby and covid stopped wedding plans. And we have been together longer than he has in his previous relationship. They very much set up home when he found out DM was pregnant. And she has been very candid to me ( she is an over sharer) that the whole relationship was a mistake with good intentions.

I was very clear we will have a baby when you want one and the time we right for us. I do care every much for DSC,s but the decisions are made by their mum and dad. I just manage the schedule they tell me the dates.

All families are different , you get army dads , dad's that work away , and dad's that work 6-6 mon- Fri and nakered on weekends to do anything. We see the kids more than 24 times as we make sure we have holidays too and bank holidays.

If you want to keep making assumptions about my life then please do , but the matter is settled.

@Userwoman1990

Before we all judge there is alot you don't know. I am here to discuss and problem solve for me and not to hash out decisions made before I even got involved.

Me and my partner have known each other a very long time we are from the same town and we started dating a year after he came back. But we took it slow and three years on nearly 4 we have made it work.

Will he leave me to move ? who knows what the future holds, he hasn't indicated that he wants to and only shares that he is committed. We are also engaged. Baby and covid stopped wedding plans. And we have been together longer than he has in his previous relationship. They very much set up home when he found out DM was pregnant. And she has been very candid to me ( she is an over sharer) that the whole relationship was a mistake with good intentions.

I was very clear we will have a baby when you want one and the time we right for us. I do care every much for DSC,s but the decisions are made by their mum and dad. I just manage the schedule they tell me the dates.

All families are different , you get army dads , dad's that work away , and dad's that work 6-6 mon- Fri and nakered on weekends to do anything. We see the kids more than 24 times as we make sure we have holidays too and bank holidays.

If you want to keep making assumptions about my life then please do , but the matter is settled.

Working away etc is not the same as being such a shit Father you only see your kids once a month. The only ones that suffer in blended families are the poor kids. Selfish adults put their own needs first.

@Teardrop2021 @Wondermule Your tone is very smug as though you're about to school OP in morality, but actually you're coming across as really unpleasant. You can think what you want about OPs partner's actions but he isn't here and you aren't talking to him. It's not OPs job to prioritise his kids or push moving across the country to be near to them. He made those decisions, they are entirely on him and unlikely to change because you two stuck the boot into a third party. You are literally just on here telling a heavily pregnant woman that her partner will surely leave her, with an undertone of glee, and it's not as good a look as you think it is.

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@Teardrop2021* @Wondermule* Your tone is very smug as though you're about to school OP in morality, but actually you're coming across as really unpleasant. You can think what you want about OPs partner's actions but he isn't here and you aren't talking to him. It's not OPs job to prioritise his kids or push moving across the country to be near to them. He made those decisions, they are entirely on him and unlikely to change because you two stuck the boot into a third party. You are literally just on here telling a heavily pregnant woman that her partner will surely leave her, with an undertone of glee, and it's not as good a look as you think it is.[/quote]
No glee whatsoever. This scenario has happened numerous times in my family, everyone is too busy tiptoeing around the adults feelings ‘u do what feels right hun’ to consider the poor kids.

It simply doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, or whether everyone was in agreement, or how long they’ve been together - a man that chooses to live three hours away from his kids and see them once a month, is a crap dad.

I doubt he goes to their parents evenings, or school plays, or picks them up and looks after them when they’re sick. He essentially just ‘checks in’ with them once a month and leaves the actual parenting to their mum and stepdad.

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@Teardrop2021* @Wondermule* Your tone is very smug as though you're about to school OP in morality, but actually you're coming across as really unpleasant. You can think what you want about OPs partner's actions but he isn't here and you aren't talking to him. It's not OPs job to prioritise his kids or push moving across the country to be near to them. He made those decisions, they are entirely on him and unlikely to change because you two stuck the boot into a third party. You are literally just on here telling a heavily pregnant woman that her partner will surely leave her, with an undertone of glee, and it's not as good a look as you think it is.[/quote]
Also may I add if it was the kids mother who moved 3 hours a day, saw them once a month and was now fine with not seeing them for 3 months because her new partner asked her not to, this would be a completely different thread. It is this kind of low level dad exceptionalism that means the bar for gathering is so, so much lower than the bar for mothering.

@Wondermule... again, since you just proved my point once again, you are complaining about OPs partner. He isn't here. You're talking to the wrong person.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Wondermule... again, since you just proved my point once again, you are complaining about OPs partner. He isn't here. You're talking to the wrong person.[/quote]
Of course but I don’t have her partners mobile number, do I? And frankly OP needs the warning - I’m guessing everyone around her has been too ‘awww hun families are complicated’ to say anything.

This exact scenario has just happened in my family, when the couple yap on about how great their new house is etc I make a point of bringing up how far away they’ve moved from his kids. I don’t care if it annoys them and ruins their fantasy, I will continue to stand up for the kids.

He sees them once a month. Once. That's not good enough as it is. Going 8 weeks without seeing them because of a new baby, just isn't acceptable. Any decent dad would leave you 2 days to see his other kids. Not straight away - but leaving an entire month and over Easter with no effort to see his children is hideous. Think how you'd feel if he decides to move 300 miles away from you and your baby, and only bothers once a month. Poor bloody kids.

@Wondermule it could not be any more blatantly obvious that you do not give two hoots about OP receiving a "warning". Anyone remotely interested in compassion in that regard would not deliver the message when she's about to give birth. Not to mention it's less of a warning and more of a "judgemental conclusion I've jumped to", because there's not actually any evidence to suggest history is going to repeat itself.

I'm sure you're very proud of the fact that you "always stand up for the kids", but you're not changing anyone's mind by making digs at them, especially directed at the partner rather than the person with any responsibility to prioritise being close to the kids. You're not changing anything for the kids, you're just trying to knock OP down a peg or two.

Your attitude towards your family sounds equally unpleasant but at least there's consistency I guess.

@aSofaNearYou but OP should be aware of this stuff. If I was her friend I’d be warning her not to give up her job or move away from her wider support network as he’s got form for stepping away and is clearly comfortable having his kids at arm’s length.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Wondermule it could not be any more blatantly obvious that you do not give two hoots about OP receiving a "warning". Anyone remotely interested in compassion in that regard would not deliver the message when she's about to give birth. Not to mention it's less of a warning and more of a "judgemental conclusion I've jumped to", because there's not actually any evidence to suggest history is going to repeat itself.

I'm sure you're very proud of the fact that you "always stand up for the kids", but you're not changing anyone's mind by making digs at them, especially directed at the partner rather than the person with any responsibility to prioritise being close to the kids. You're not changing anything for the kids, you're just trying to knock OP down a peg or two.

Your attitude towards your family sounds equally unpleasant but at least there's consistency I guess. [/quote]
I know I won’t change anyone’s minds. But I won’t be complicit in a culture that absolves crap dads when mums get hung out to dry if they do exactly the same thing.

There is every evidence that history will repeat itself. Either a man is a good father and cares for his offspring or he does not. I don’t believe this factor changes according to the woman he is with. This man is a deadbeat dad, end of. He put himself before his kids. I wouldn’t be with him.

As for OP, she is the one who has thrown her toys out of the pram and has now got her wish in her boyfriend not seeing his kids for 3 months. So any sympathy there is very thin on the ground, pregnant or not.

[quote EggBobbin]@aSofaNearYou but OP should be aware of this stuff. If I was her friend I’d be warning her not to give up her job or move away from her wider support network as he’s got form for stepping away and is clearly comfortable having his kids at arm’s length.[/quote]
This is good advice.

@imalmostthere

He sees them once a month. Once. That's not good enough as it is. Going 8 weeks without seeing them because of a new baby, just isn't acceptable. Any decent dad would leave you 2 days to see his other kids. Not straight away - but leaving an entire month and over Easter with no effort to see his children is hideous. Think how you'd feel if he decides to move 300 miles away from you and your baby, and only bothers once a month. Poor bloody kids.

I agree with this. Those poor kids.

[quote EggBobbin]@aSofaNearYou but OP should be aware of this stuff. If I was her friend I’d be warning her not to give up her job or move away from her wider support network as he’s got form for stepping away and is clearly comfortable having his kids at arm’s length.[/quote]
Well that's ironic given they presumably do live near OPs established life and support network, and not moving away from that is exactly what they are being condemned for here.

@aSofaNearYou

Nope they are condemning OP’s partner for moving away from his kids, and then OP for being very selfish and demanding he not see them for months because she won’t want to be on her own with a baby for a day or two (despite being surrounded by said support network). Keep up.