Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@ukgift2016

Besides which, it's not remotely helpful to the OP and what she's seeking support with, so why make that comment?

@ukgift2016

If you'd RTFT you'd see that he moved back to his home area for financial reasons following the relationship breakdown, after having moved away with his ex wife to be nearer to her family. That's not the same as "rubbish Dad who doesn't care and has just left his family on the other side of the country", is it.

And that justifies leaving your two young children? Many parents are forced to stay living in areas after separation, to remain near to their children. He sees his kids once a month, that is not a good father. Works for OP though as she doesn't have the step kids around much.

My opinion.

Your opinion contributes absolutely nothing to the question at hand.

When is your may half term? In Manchester it isn't until the 28th of May. That's 12 weeks away from this weekend's contact.

OP I think that's the best solution.

Good luck with new baby and thanks for the conclusion- so many people post for help then never return!

Hope you’ve come to some arrangement in this op. I completely agree that your DP shouldn’t be spending part of his paternity travelling for 2 days. His ex should really try to be accommodating and sympathetic that you have a tiny baby and at least drive to a half way pick up point. My partners ex moved 70 miles away 6/7 years ago. For years he did all of the travelling every weekend but they meet halfway now.

I know they will want to meet their new baby sibling but it really is too much for him to be gone for that long when you’re left at home very vulnerable with a newborn.

The step kids don't really know any different from this set up and have no memory of their mum and dad togther. So to them this is normal.

It's their normal, but it's not really sufficient contact for a parent and child. I mean lots of things are people's normal, but that normal isn't good.

They have a great relationship with their dad and look forward to seeing him.

That's good.

I hope all goes well with the baby...most births do, so try not to feel too anxious. Rest as much as you can afterwards.

I had my mum stay with me for a few weeks after having my babies....it was so very helpful and she made sure I rested and ate nutritious food.

His ex should really try to be accommodating and sympathetic that you have a tiny baby

Yeah, really sympathetic and accommodating. She's the one doing all the parenting for the next couple of months and has absolutely no say in it whatsoever. Plus she'll have to deal with the insecurities of the children (because they will say stuff to mum, regardless of how good the relationship with OP and dad might be).

I don't think there is any other way around it but from the ex's point of view, it's the wrong end of an already shitty parenting stick.

Mmmm, there are plenty of ways around if - just none which give the OP what she wants; or consider the two older children. There is absolutely NO reason he can't see those children for between 10 & 12 weeks, depending on the timing of May half-term.

I agree there is absolutely no need at all for children to go 12 weeks without seeing their father just because he has a new baby.

He also didn't focus his life and money on getting back to his children. He's chose to continue to live hundreds of miles from them and to spend his money on a new family. Hopefully there is good reason somewhere in there but from the little that's been posted it doesn't scream committed father.

The OP now has every right to be nervous about how the contact arrangements will impact her new baby. But I imagine she's the one doing all the problem solving and balancing of needs between the 3 kids. She may see her partner in a new light when the baby comes and she tries to fathom seeing that baby once a month....

@EnoughnowIthink wow, talk about taking it out of fucking context! I meant for the travelling arrangements more than anything. Perhaps if she reasonably said that she’d meet OP’s partner halfway then no one misses out on anything. I honestly think that fetching and carrying children between households should be 50/50, regardless of who moved where.

The mum gets little over a day child free in a month, why on earth should she waste any of that doing part of the travelling?

Now the children won't have their dad for 3 months so significantly less 'parenting' time from the dad. I fail to see how anyone thinks she should contribute this time or money to driving anywhere!

talk about taking it out of fucking context

the context is a father who lives a considerable distance from his children and a new pregnant partner. Pregnant partner not unreasonably nervous about what might happen when she gives birth and doesn't want to be expected to travel or have her partner away from her for a long period nor have to manage the needs of other children in the early days after giving birth. Only solution seems to be not to see the existing children for months on end - possibly as many as 3 with the caveat that they can all bond during the May half term.

What have I misunderstood 'out of fucking context'?

It is appalling behaviour on the part of the father.

oh, and to add insult to injury, a mother who is already caring for her children 90% of the time, is supposed to go out of her to drop off/pick up said children to 'help' the father spend more time as a family. She's supposed to do that without complaint at the travelling and without complaint that she doesn't get a break for months on end. Indeed, without complaint that she is going to spend a significant portion of her time away from the children actually travelling. I mean, what is out of context about any of that? Next will come the reduction in maintenance because of the additional child and screams of step mum delight about how 'the birth mum' can make up the extra money by working extra hours/taking on ironing/doing Avon if needs it so badly. Not like it's predictable

@EnoughnowIthink some of us don’t even get one day of child free time in a year with more children! I think, as a one off when OP has just given birth, she could drive half way. Absolutely I do!

oh, and to add insult to injury, a mother who is already caring for her children 90% of the time, is supposed to go out of her to drop off/pick up said children to 'help' the father spend more time as a family. She's supposed to do that without complaint at the travelling and without complaint that she doesn't get a break for months on end.

I would (I did in fact for years) - I facilitated the travel on the few occasions where my DD's Dad couldn't. Because I put my own anger and bitterness to one side at whatever he had done or not done, in order to prioritise what I knew was in my DD's best interests, ie. a relationship with her father.

I'd let DP do all the monthly visits on his own and you and the baby see them in the holidays going forward. Hopefully they can come and see you by train in the next few years.

@EnoughnowIthink okay so you've made lots of assumptions and accusations without being in possession of the facts.

Firstly I do not need to justify my life, but since you are interested let me make you aware of a few things you have brought up.

Me and my partner have not even given maintenance a thought. My partner pays what he should as per gov guidelines. In truth we are far too busy organising for the baby and we are much too excited about this tiny life we are close to meeting to worry about reducing maintenance. We are lucky to have built good careers and can afford the CMS.

DM and my partner agreed May would be best and for the half term so we get a full week. They have spoken and arranged and they are happy. They are the parents if they are happy I am happy. April my baby is due , I could be late I could deliver on my due date. You tell me when I'll give birth so I can plan dates ? My partner wants to spend his paternity with his newborn as he did with all his kids.

DM does have help she has a partner and early retired parents who also help daily with child care.

All families are different my dad worked 6am-7pm i lived with him but no quality time apart from the odd weekend and some holidays. He did that to provide. I actually didn't see him much when I was young yet I love him all the same. Not all family dynamics are out of a Disney film .... and thats okay 👌

@Userwoman1990

👏🏻👏🏻Good for you - not that you own anyone an explanation.

I'm also due mine and DP's first baby in April! Good luck to you, I hope all goes well x

*owe not own!

@Userwoman1990 go you!

Agree with everything you’ve said and delighted you’ve come to an arrangement that everyone is happy with. Enjoy that baby!

@ukgift2016

Sorry but I think your partner a shit father for leaving his two young kids to move 350 miles away.

Don't think he wouldn't do the same to your child if you split.

LOL not manning the phones at the Samaritans today then? Jesus.

@ukgift2016

Sorry but I think your partner a shit father for leaving his two young kids to move 350 miles away.

350 miles is actually the return journey.

Well you got what you wanted OP - so no issues for you.

The EX is a better person than I would have been in the situation, the DSCs are cut off from their father for nearly 3 months - you and you DP are lucky she is so accommodating.

Christ- he scarpered 350 miles and left her with a 6 month old?! I’d be nervous asking her for help with the new baby after he put her through that tbh.

It’s only 2 days, get a family member down. What will you do next month?