Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@aSofaNearYou sorry for ‘personally vilifying’ the poor little lamb 🙄 just because it’s the norm among dads that have buggered off, doesn’t make it right.

[quote Wondermule]@aSofaNearYou sorry for ‘personally vilifying’ the poor little lamb 🙄 just because it’s the norm among dads that have buggered off, doesn’t make it right.[/quote]
I said "persistently villifying one person". As in, it's a wider problem but going on and on about one person doing it, who isn't even reading your comments, is a waste of time.

I guarantee he'd hate you doing the same thing to him: rabbiting on endlessly and in detail about your exes! Not that I'm suggesting you do it, as probably your energy would be better spent dumping him.

Well we are coming at it from different angles @aSofaNearYou because I believe it’s a wider problem because of people not calling out individual men for their behaviour.

@Wondermule

Well we are coming at it from different angles *@aSofaNearYou* because I believe it’s a wider problem because of people not calling out individual men for their behaviour.

I simply see targeting what is in your opinion a deadbeat man's wife or partner to express your outrage at HIS actions as another form of misogyny. She is not his keeper, she isn't responsible for his decisions.

@aSofaNearYou

Oh, blah. Where did I say I blamed OP?

OP - your glee in the fact that you have got what you wanted and that you and your DP have denied 2 young children access to their father for 3 months is so sad.

Irrelevant whether mum agreed - she probably knows the score and that he would have reneged.

The most bitchy thing you have said so far - is about the validity of the relationship that produced 2 children. How, why or whatever the wrongs or rights of that relationship were - does not give you and your DP to gloat - which is how it comes across. At the end of the day 2 children were produced from it and at that point all one upmanship ends - doing right for all the children involved i the priority going forward. Something which seems to have escaped your DP.

[quote Wondermule]@aSofaNearYou

Oh, blah. Where did I say I blamed OP?[/quote]
If you didn't on some level hold OP accountable for her DPs decisions, you would see the futility of making arguing with HER on the subject of deadbeat NRPs your hill to die on, as you would be aware that you were talking to someone unrelated.

It's not OPs job to prioritise his kids or push moving across the country to be near to them.

100% correct.
This is not the OPS responsibility.

@Teardrop2021

SandyY2K I get what your saying but I just can't fathom why a woman could be with someone who could move 3hrs away from their 6month old child and 3 year old.

I don't mean to be rude at all, but your view comes from a place that believes men behave in a certain way and women are always great where children are concerned.

That's really not the case in reality, as many partners of men with children actually prefer infrequent contact. This situation would be their dream.

There are different perspectives (DM DF/SM/SF/DC) and I absolutely understand yours.

I was reading something from the point of view of a child who has EOW contact with their dad and complaining that they were fed up having to go to dad's house as they got older ..teenage years.

Then another child (16) chimed in the discussion saying she was jealous of them and wished she was able to see her dad EOW... but doesn't as he moved miles away when she was younger....and told her she didn't need him anymore.

@bogoffmda

OP - your glee in the fact that you have got what you wanted and that you and your DP have denied 2 young children access to their father for 3 months is so sad.

This isn't really the OPs issue or fault. She went into a relationship with a man who had already set a pattern of seeing his DC once a month and removed himself from being a regular involved father.

It's not for the OP to change things around when her DP/the father is happy with the status quo.

I'm not gloating I'm not in glee ... I'm uncomfortable a size of a small elephant and about to drop my first baby.

Am I precious about it? Yes I am from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was a mother. Undoubtedly my baby will always come first for me and that is that. I cannot control the actions of others.

I can see the points raised I tried to add some actual facts and context. But I can see the narrative has already been hijacked by first mum brigade.

That is fine, every family differs and no one here has all the facts to label people a dead beat dad or judge totally.

If my partner wants to move that has to come from him. That's his call. I am focused on building a family with my two step kids as well. Negativity serves know one. I'll let you know when I've dropped...equally if my partner in crime sticks around lol

SandyY2K I guess for my own DS regardless of the fact what went on between me and his df at the time 12 years ago at really only being young parents at the time (21 years old when he was born and the relationship deteriorated after he cheated with an ex gf) I don't understand how you can't put the child first and fore most and co- parent and a child have 2 active parenting rather than one main parent and put absent parent. It can work and there's no reason it can't its just such a shame. DS Is lucky in a sense he has 4 parents. There's no grudges no spitefulness we just co parent and put ds first.

It may not be ops fault with the current set up but shes not doing anything in particular to make things easier or to accommodate it. The fact is her dp does have two children who should be as much of a priority to him as this baby. Op was smug she won that he wasn't going to be seeing them for 12 weeks. Shes got to learn that they were they before the baby and she's needs to accept that contact will have to take place and she can't make demands simply because she's had a baby its unfair on those girls and even more so when a new sibling is on the scene the only ones to get hurt are two innocent girls who are still are young impressionable age.

OP - please dont preach to a bunch of women who have in the main been pregnant and understand what that means. AT no point until my last post have I criticised you prioritising your baby - I get that - we all do.

My issue has been the deadbeat barely there father to 2 children who you have enabled for the last four years.

You are not building a family with 2 half siblings for your child because quite frankly you and your DP have no interest in that. From not wanting your DP to be away for 2 days leaving you with a new born has turned into 3 months with no parental contact - a little extreme by anyones standards.

You are gloating - I wish you luck with your new baby

My sympathy is with 2 innocent children who really have been shortchanged in the decent father department

@bogoffmda

OP - please dont preach to a bunch of women who have in the main been pregnant and understand what that means. AT no point until my last post have I criticised you prioritising your baby - I get that - we all do.

My issue has been the deadbeat barely there father to 2 children who you have enabled for the last four years.

You are not building a family with 2 half siblings for your child because quite frankly you and your DP have no interest in that. From not wanting your DP to be away for 2 days leaving you with a new born has turned into 3 months with no parental contact - a little extreme by anyones standards.

You are gloating - I wish you luck with your new baby

My sympathy is with 2 innocent children who really have been shortchanged in the decent father department

This in spades!

bogoffmda

OP - please dont preach to a bunch of women who have in the main been pregnant and understand what that means. AT no point until my last post have I criticised you prioritising your baby - I get that - we all do.

My issue has been the deadbeat barely there father to 2 children who you have enabled for the last four years.

You are not building a family with 2 half siblings for your child because quite frankly you and your DP have no interest in that. From not wanting your DP to be away for 2 days leaving you with a new born has turned into 3 months with no parental contact - a little extreme by anyones standards.

You are gloating - I wish you luck with your new baby

My sympathy is with 2 innocent children who really have been shortchanged in the decent father department

Completely hit the nail on the head

Ha! OP don’t you think his ex felt this way when she was pregnant?! When your bundle of joy is 6 months old imagine him walking out- maybe while he’s away for the weekend take on the care of a 5 year old for the weekend for the full experience... then you might appreciate why his actions elicit such a response.

Wow, there are some vicious posters out tonight! Pretty vile and unpleasant frankly.

@Trickyboy

No OP. I would not be happy with this prospect either. Hopefully baby arrives when you have a good three Weeks to get used to having baby and been able to enjoy some lovely special time with your partner and LO. Yes of course your step children need to be involved and made welcome in their half siblings life. However that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have the same special bonding time with you, your partner and baby that all first time mums would like to enjoy. Regardless of your partner having children from a previous relationship. As long as those children are safe and looked after by at least one of their parents.

There is absolutely no need nor requirement for half siblings to be in the mix the moment you are home from hospital. Ffs I didn't even have my OWN children back from grandparents when I had subsequent children. We all want a little peace after giving birth.

As for whoever came up with the ridiculous ' well how do you think single parents cope after a caesarean' to which my answer would be ... I would hope they would have arranged some help and if they were idiotic enough not to - then it doesn't mean the OP needs to put herself through the same difficulties .

Ultimately you need to be selfish for a few days. You are entitled to enjoy the wonder of new motherhood with the minimum of upset. There is a big difference between ignoring your stepchildren and cutting them off from their father and the deeply unfashionable idea that sometimes even step children need to have a little patience, and let someone get comfortable before their 'wants' not needs are met. Needs of course should always be met. But no child needs to meet its sibling as soon as it arrives. That's a 'want' and you come first OP.

This. Back before this thread hit Trending Now!

@teardrop2021

It may not be ops fault with the current set up but shes not doing anything in particular to make things easier or to accommodate it.

Why would she? It doesn't benefit her to do so. Most SP take the lead from the attitude of the biological parent. If he's not bothered to be in his DCs life any more than once a month....why would an unrelated romantic partner of his be.

The fact is her dp does have two children who should be as much of a priority to him as this baby.

They should indeed and I don't disagree with you for a minute, but this isn't the case. The OP can't make him do more, that's 100% on him.

Most women don't go looking for a partner who has children, so having a partner with kids that he is barely involved in is the next best thing. He could easily have friends who have known him for years and if he wanted, they'd never know he had kids...due to how little they're a part of his day to day life....this is not the OPs problem though.

Shes got to learn that they were they before the baby and she's needs to accept that contact will have to take place and she can't make demands simply because she's had a baby

I don't think the OP was making demands tbh. Just expressing her anxiety over being left alone with the baby. Her priority is her baby as one would naturally expect.

He's a parent in name, but the current set up...where he sees his kids for less than 30 days a year, doesn't really cut it as a parent.... and attempts to defend it are again human nature, as nobody wants to hear people say their partner is a dead beat dad.

@EggBobbin

Ha! OP don’t you think his ex felt this way when she was pregnant?! When your bundle of joy is 6 months old imagine him walking out- maybe while he’s away for the weekend take on the care of a 5 year old for the weekend for the full experience... then you might appreciate why his actions elicit such a response.

No I don't their relationship and circumstances are completely different to mine.

Not all relationships are the same. I have said before the second child was born it was very very Rocky between them. They were both unhappy for quite some time. This is what DM has told me. And my partner. Its just the way it was. Sorry if these facts hurt the agenda here.

Ofcourse if my partner left me with a 6 month old I'd be upset and devastated. I don't have a magic wand to change the past. I was not there causing it all.

Does not matter under what circumstances the children were born - he was responsible for the deposition of his sperm - no one else. This fact does not alter the agenda that he is a barely there Dad who makes minimal effort to parent his children and wimps out at the drop of a hat.

The issue is the children are here and they deserve a father in their lives who is engaged and interested and makes more than a token effort to see the offspring he produced.

You enable his abject lack of moral fibre and responsibility - that is my only criticism of you.

AS before -Good Luck with your baby

As a one-off and in certain circumstances, I would absolutely drive my DC to facilitate contact. Many RPs are reasonable and understanding. We remember what it was like giving birth! I wouldn’t particularly want to share the driving on a regular basis but in this case, sure.
Good luck with your birth, OP. :)

@nurseriess

We had similar during lockdown and because we were so worried about the covid risk to a newborn dp changed contact to dsd he had a 3 month break then went to 6 weekly contact rather than monthly

3 month break?

Honestly OP, I would just stay home & let him get on with it with DSD...it won't be feasible for you to be away like that each w/e he spends with them when you have a newborn. It's him who will need to adjust the drop/collect arrangement...you can suggest it but it's betw him & his ex. She may be happy to help initially or she may resent that her one free w/e a month has to start & end with having to accommodate. Also, it may not go down fabulously well telling her you need him around all the time with a new baby when she had to cope with separation, a 6 mth old plus a toddler at the time. And he moved so far away ...for financial reasons but meant he wasn't arpund to support at all. And now has only one w/e a month with his kids. I totally get why & logistics... but a new baby in the mix will change perspectives, not least his older kids if they are being asked to switch their routine. I think let them work it out.