Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@imalmostthere

He sees them once a month. Once. That's not good enough as it is. Going 8 weeks without seeing them because of a new baby, just isn't acceptable. Any decent dad would leave you 2 days to see his other kids. Not straight away - but leaving an entire month and over Easter with no effort to see his children is hideous. Think how you'd feel if he decides to move 300 miles away from you and your baby, and only bothers once a month. Poor bloody kids.

I think this is the start of the ‘slowly phasing out the kids’ thing

Look you can call me or other posters smug because call poor behaviour but there's an agenda here the priority is op and her baby sod those two innocent dc who will likely be phrased out. End of the day a shit dad is nothing more than a shit dad its not even remotely compatibleto an army dad or a dad that works away in the slightly they come home and have family timeand they work to support the family unit this isn't the case here, the fact is op is here complaining about the given situation we can't talk to her dp however he has chosen to have not one but 2 children in a poor children and then pretty much given up responsibility of parenting his dc an reasonable amount of time and buggered off 3 hrs away.

Blended families work trust me we have one ourselves but my ex actually co parents is an active role in ds life. He hasn't just abandoned him.abd moved hours away and sees him once a month.

*There is every evidence that history will repeat itself. Either a man is a good father and cares for his offspring or he does not. I don’t believe this factor changes according to the woman he is with. This man is a deadbeat dad, end of. He put himself before his kids. I wouldn’t be with him.

As for OP, she is the one who has thrown her toys out of the pram and has now got her wish in her boyfriend not seeing his kids for 3 months. So any sympathy there is very thin on the ground, pregnant or not.*

No, that's not evidence, that's just you jumping to conclusions based on your own judgment of him. Living close to the kids is not mutually exclusive with caring about them. He can care about them and still have found himself practically unable to live near them, which seems to be the case here. Yes, in the time since, he could have done more to live close to them - though arguably if he still couldn't afford to live in the same area as them, moving half way would just have brought him away from his job and support network for no tangible gain, as he'd still be living too far away to be more involved day to day - but the reality is he moved away because he could not afford to live in that area, and he moved back to where his support network was. Logically, it's unlikely he would leave the area if OP and he were to split, as all those things are there.

It's nice to see you even addressing the actual subject matter of the thread in your last paragraph. But I fundamentally agree that concerns over how quickly your partner will be able to commit to leaving you alone for two days is "throwing your teddy out of the cot", and I say that as somewhat that experienced many complications after birth that rendered me unable to look after my baby without help, and can see the detrimental effects of such dismissive condescension. I would have personally opted for a "we'll see how it goes" approach than waiting for a specific holiday, as everything could go smoothly. But that debate is at least relevant, as opposed to the unsolicited beating about her partner's contact arrangement.

@aSofaNearYou not really- this is what I’d say as OP’s friend. As an anonymous commenter online I might well choose to hold a mirror up in a less charitable way. I felt you were saying that as OP is pregnant she perhaps shouldn’t be told any home truths or be ‘warned’ but if I were a friend I think I would be (more gently) cautioning her as although it’s hard to hear, she is vulnerable for the next few years and should be careful.

Living close to the kids is not mutually exclusive with caring about them.

Yes it is. If you care about them you want the best for them. And best for them would be seeing dad more than once a month, which is pathetic.

I refuse the believe the only place he could afford to live was three hours away. And wtf is all this ‘support network’ shit? What grown man needs a support network after an amicable split more than his kids do? It’s all just excuses, excuses, excuses.

@Wondermule

Living close to the kids is not mutually exclusive with caring about them.

Yes it is. If you care about them you want the best for them. And best for them would be seeing dad more than once a month, which is pathetic.

I refuse the believe the only place he could afford to live was three hours away. And wtf is all this ‘support network’ shit? What grown man needs a support network after an amicable split more than his kids do? It’s all just excuses, excuses, excuses.

A financial support network. He moved back in with his parents because it was all he could afford.

And like I said, living anywhere other than in the immediate area can turn out to be much of a muchness for many, as it doesn't result in being able/allowed to see them more due to there still being some degree of distance.

I'm not making excuses for him, really. Chances are he got settled into various aspects of his life in the area he is in now, which he was originally in by necessity, and would now need to uproot himself in order to be closer to them. He'a chosen not to do so. But I AM saying that that's on him, not OP, and the issue of arrangements after the baby is born is a seperate subject.

@aSofaNearYou

I really don’t believe that he couldn’t afford to rent a 1 bedroom flat near his kids if he was working full time. I just don’t buy it. I mean where are they living, Mayfair? I think he moved in with his parents to save cash and have an excuse to be a Disney dad.

Financial support network 🙄 there will be ‘support networks’ for stubbing your toe next.

I'm not really sure what actual advice you want me to take
Being told I should re- locate I'm guessing then give up my job with a baby.
My partner needs to do the same so he can be apart of his children's day to day lives. Find another well paying job in middle of a pandemic and high unemployment.

Sell our house and downsize to afford so not kids can stay at once. Or sleep all in the living room.

I should also prepare for my partner to leave me and move 3 hours away ans only see the baby once a month because history always repeats itself.

The kids are suffering, even though they are thriving...
Sorry have I missed anything ....

Oh forgot i demanded that contact was missed through April...
The DM and DP have agreed...
May they are staying with us. I haven't demanded anything so please divert your disgust at the parents including the DM for the plans they have arranged for their kids.

I think the overall advice is that your DP is a deadbeat dad and to be well prepared in case he treats your baby how he has treated his other ones.

[quote Wondermule]@aSofaNearYou

I really don’t believe that he couldn’t afford to rent a 1 bedroom flat near his kids if he was working full time. I just don’t buy it. I mean where are they living, Mayfair? I think he moved in with his parents to save cash and have an excuse to be a Disney dad.

Financial support network 🙄 there will be ‘support networks’ for stubbing your toe next.[/quote]
Yes, but then they won't have been able to do overnights. Not necessarily better. And maybe they are living in Mayfair, yes?

I don't know why you're picking up on the word "financial support network" so much, the phrasing only came about due to the nature of the comment I was responding to. Would financial help suit you better? He needed financial help so moved to the only place he could get it 🤷‍♀️

@Userwoman1990 Of course you’re getting different advice from different people, we’re not a committee sat together agreeing a consistent party line.

You’ve chosen to be with this man, knowing his set up with his kids. In general most people think it’s up to you and him to shoulder the brunt of any inconvenience as you are the parties that chose it, not the mum or older kids. For you, this will likely involve time parenting a baby alone but you know this. Longer term you might like to be aware he’s capable of stepping back from parenting and factor that into any big structural decisions to protect yourself.

@aSofaNearYou

If he had a flat nearby the kids would be able to see him as much as they want and do the occasional sleepover if needed. He would be able to actually parent by picking them up from school, looking after them when they’re sick, taking them to appointments, making their meals etc. That is real parenting, not just a few days of fun activities then shipping them back to mum for the day to day drudgery.

Their mum and her new partner don’t have the option of banishing the kids for a few months if they decided to have a new baby. It’s misogynistic double standards all over the place:

I will be very interested to see how OP’s partner takes to the day to day care of a child rather than checking in on them once a month.

The dc are thriving because of their mother and stepfather not the limited input of an absentee father who sees his children once a month. It sounds like she knows where she stands with him and can't be chewed with the hassle and has amazing dp to full the role of father to her dc. You should have made the move before you even considered having the baby. You mentioned a wedding and it being affected by covid so clearly you have the funds and could have made a move to a house closer so more regular contact could have taken place but no you wanted the wedding and now another baby will be another financial excuse. People move all the time its nothing new. Hes in a relationship he doesn't need his parents who could easily have got a house 1 hour away even an hour and half atleast something to reduce the amount of travel time but nothing.

@Wondermule

I will be very interested to see how OP’s partner takes to the day to day care of a child rather than checking in on them once a month.

Yes, I know this isn't charitable but my first thought when OP talked about how he couldn't possibly go because she'll need his support so soon after the birth was scepticism about how much actual support this man, who moved away from his last baby at six months old, would be...

Its a tale as old as time dad has dc relationship breaks down he moved away and contact is limited he meets new partner prioritise her house wedding and new child whilst neglecting his previous children, the new dp then gets resentful of contact time because its time away from her baby and affects their family time . Happens far too much and there's been numerous threads about it. Parenting isn't just down to the mother It should be equal especially when men are wanting more rights it also comes with responsibilities aswell.

There's some brilliant step mothers and blended families can work often or not they work because they have strong relationships with the existing children.

Indeed, no money to live near his kids but enough money to find his own place, afford an engagement ring, wedding and new baby over the space of a few years 🙄

@Teardrop2021

The dc are thriving because of their mother and stepfather not the limited input of an absentee father who sees his children once a month. It sounds like she knows where she stands with him and can't be chewed with the hassle and has amazing dp to full the role of father to her dc. You should have made the move before you even considered having the baby. You mentioned a wedding and it being affected by covid so clearly you have the funds and could have made a move to a house closer so more regular contact could have taken place but no you wanted the wedding and now another baby will be another financial excuse. People move all the time its nothing new. Hes in a relationship he doesn't need his parents who could easily have got a house 1 hour away even an hour and half atleast something to reduce the amount of travel time but nothing.

This includes a lot of assumptions that OP even agrees to the idea of uprooting to the other end of the country, which she is perfectly entitled not to.

[quote Wondermule]@aSofaNearYou

If he had a flat nearby the kids would be able to see him as much as they want and do the occasional sleepover if needed. He would be able to actually parent by picking them up from school, looking after them when they’re sick, taking them to appointments, making their meals etc. That is real parenting, not just a few days of fun activities then shipping them back to mum for the day to day drudgery.

Their mum and her new partner don’t have the option of banishing the kids for a few months if they decided to have a new baby. It’s misogynistic double standards all over the place:[/quote]
If you want to just make a general, sweeping argument about misogynistic double standards in parenting then fair enough, but the fact is many, many NRP do not live close enough to do day to day stuff, people that do EOW for example, and that is pretty established as standard. It's not as though this one father is shockingly abstaining from daily stuff like school pick ups - that is very, very common. It's quite likely that the most he would be ever likely to do would be EOW, which is twice what he does now, but this would not be recommended if he was living in a 1 bed flat. Again, I'm not saying that wouldn't be preferable, but starting with the baseline that all NRP as standard live close enough for daily school pick ups etc is not really reflected in reality.

the fact is many, many NRP do not live close enough to do day to day stuff, people that do EOW for example, and that is pretty established as standard

Because most NRPs are men. That’s why.

@Wondermule

the fact is many, many NRP do not live close enough to do day to day stuff, people that do EOW for example, and that is pretty established as standard

Because most NRPs are men. That’s why.

Perhaps? As I say, that would make a great discussion on a totally different thread.

aSofaNearYou
Most active dads don't move 3 hrs away from their dc. Plenty of NRP do school drop offs and picks up ex did when ds was young it was the norm he had one over night during the week and once over night at the weekend. He also attended sports events school plays class assembly's. Its not just womens work you know.

@Teardrop2021

aSofaNearYou Most active dads don't move 3 hrs away from their dc. Plenty of NRP do school drop offs and picks up ex did when ds was young it was the norm he had one over night during the week and once over night at the weekend. He also attended sports events school plays class assembly's. Its not just womens work you know.

Yes, I know many do. No I don't just think it's women's work. The point is that many NRPs do very little during the week, so persistently villifying one for doing so is pretty fruitless, especially when it isn't the subject at hand.

Oh op. You'd be singing a very different song if it was your dc that were treated this way. Of course you think it's fine. And they may very well be thriving, but it's clearly not down to the input of their father is it? Because honestly, what input can you actually successfully administer to your children's lives, one night a month? Very, very little. Take the rose tinted spectacles off, and have a think about if this wonderful man is as great a father as you think he is. Great fathers don't behave the way your partner does.