Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@MiddleParking

*How does your constant posting about her DH, or what he should have done, or what he shouldn’t have done, or how terrible some NRP are in general help the OP at all?

What advice does that offer?*

It gives context to the response to the question OP asked, which is whether it would be reasonable to ask the ex to travel halfway. You certainly seem confused about how chat forums work.

Lol! You do keep trying, don’t you?

I’m not confused. I’m not new to the internet. I know exactly what you’re doing.

Snide remarks about how moving 300+ miles away from your children just happens to people isn’t giving context to anything as you well know. It’s just getting digs in.

No need to be so snarky. Things just aren't always as black and white as you're making out here

No. Things are rarely black and white. I moved - some 14 years ago, away from my ex and back to where I grew up where I had some family support and could afford to buy a property. I can assure you I was called every name under the sun at the time on MN. There was no attempt whatsoever to see it from my perspective. As far as everyone was concerned, I was just BAD.

Having been there, done that, I know that people have very good reason for moving and that unfortunately in the process, it is possible that both parents and the children lose out in some way. It is sad and unfair but also sometimes necessary to enable people to put their lives back together. But I have never before seen a thread quite like this where women have fallen over themselves to justify a move away from children. It is really quite something. And it shows that on this forum, no matter what, the only thing that matters is the new family being 'right' and the old family being 'wrong'. And any amount of twisting of facts to justify it.

As for the OP, she's not wrong to want some time following the birth of her child. I am not sure, however, that her partner can really justify that to his ex in the circumstances.

*Lol! You do keep trying, don’t you?

I’m not confused. I’m not new to the internet. I know exactly what you’re doing.

Snide remarks about how moving 300+ miles away from your children just happens to people isn’t giving context to anything as you well know. It’s just getting digs in.*

You’re not uncovering some hidden motive I absolutely don’t apologise for making digs at shit fathers who abandon their children and then make more. And yes, that is the context of why I don’t think he can reasonably ask for a single inch more leeway from his ex.

I never said your motive was hidden. It’s right there for everyone to see.

But glad to see you acknowledge that you’re just out to make digs.

@OhCaptain

I never said your motive was hidden. It’s right there for everyone to see.

Ah, sound.

But I have never before seen a thread quite like this where women have fallen over themselves to justify a move away from children. It is really quite something.

Not for the sole purpose of getting away from his children though, which is how it's being made to sound. For the purpose of moving back home (where both he and the Mum originally lived anyway), where his support networks were, out of financial necessity after a relationship breakdown. It's totally different.

"We had similar during lockdown and because we were so worried about the covid risk to a newborn dp changed contact to dsd he had a 3 month break then went to 6 weekly contact rather than monthly"

So when does it go back to monthly - or is this now permanent.?

I am astounded at this - you dont get to give up parenting for 3 months.

@EnoughnowIthink
So what are you saying? That attempts at understanding rather than automatic condemnation are wrong when directed at an NRP father? But understanding is what you deserved? When you did exactly the same thing?

I can see why the Ex may not be particularly motivated to drop the kids halfway as they have a rocky relationship.

Many times the reason women move near family is because they aren't getting the support they feel they need with the kids in the relationship....that could have been what led to the deterioration of the relationship....but nobody knows the facts...except those in the relationship.

I initially thought it was 350/368 miles one way...but as a return trip...he could see them more often. My BIL had a job that distance away...he stayed there Monday to Thursday...came home on Thursdays..WFH on Fridays every week.

His Ex may see this once a month seeing his kids as a lack of interest and motivation...so if he can't make the effort to see his children enough why should she. In all the years since the split and he's no longer living with his parents, it doesn't sound like seeing his children more is something he's bothered about.

That said...the issue isn't his frequency of contact...it's how the OP can manage on her own with the baby, when he goes to see his DC for a couple of days once a month. It all depends when the baby comes and when his weekend with the kids is.

I think a good plan would be getting support for those days from someone else, while your OH goes to see them, then they can meet the baby in the next school holidays where they stay longer.

I really wouldn't go down the road of him asking his ex to drive halfway.

@EnoughnowIthink For what it's worth, my judgement that him moving away isn't necessarily a condemnable act isn't a double standard, I would apply the same empathy to RPs.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@EnoughnowIthink For what it's worth, my judgement that him moving away isn't necessarily a condemnable act isn't a double standard, I would apply the same empathy to RPs.[/quote]
Agreed here too. The main thing for me is that both parents continue to facilitate access to each other, regardless of distance.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@EnoughnowIthink For what it's worth, my judgement that him moving away isn't necessarily a condemnable act isn't a double standard, I would apply the same empathy to RPs.[/quote]

Agreed.
I was the RP who moved away.
I've always facilitated contact with her Dad, involving a 2.5 hour round trip x 2, every other weekend, for the past 10 years. Except on the occasions she herself has chosen to stay home with me to see friends locally etc, as she's got older.

Not for the sole purpose of getting away from his children though, which is how it's being made to sound. For the purpose of moving back home (where both he and the Mum originally lived anyway), where his support networks were, out of financial necessity after a relationship breakdown. It's totally different

And yet there are any number of threads condemning women who want to move home, towards their support networks, out of financial necessity are beaten over the head with ‘how dare you take your child away form his father’.

For what it's worth, my judgement that him moving away isn't necessarily a condemnable act isn't a double standard, I would apply the same empathy to RPs

Good. It affected me very badly at the time, even though I knew without doubt it was really the only option open to me. People have very black and white views of moving and it’s very complex and in my experience, never about frustrating contact. We all need to be able to get on with life and I am afraid that marriage doesn’t commit you to living within a few miles of someone for the rest of your life.

*And yet there are any number of threads condemning women who want to move home, towards their support networks, out of financial necessity are beaten over the head with ‘how dare you take your child away form his father’.
*
Well there may well be. But you'd never see that judgment from me, in either direction. Life happens, people do what they need to.
We've made a distance of 130 miles between us work for the best part of 10 years, for our DD's sake. It was never a case of "well you moved away, you do the travelling". Because he was mature enough to realise that I'd moved for damn good reasons that were also in her best interests longer term. It can work. It just takes both parents to be on board.

We all need to be able to get on with life and I am afraid that marriage doesn’t commit you to living within a few miles of someone for the rest of your life.

100%. That's why I moved. Life happens.

I am a bit confused as to what you are imagining will happen, sorry, if I have misunderstood.

You won't be able to/want to make such a long journey with a baby, so DH will have to do it alone. Is your issue that you don't want to be alone whilst he goes and collects and brings them back? If so I am afraid you will have to suck it up, as it's perfectly reasonable for DH to do this in order to see his DC.

The XW can't be forced to do anything I don't think.

If you don't think you will cope alone then as PP have suggested, is there anyone nearby who can help you?

@lockdownalli

I am a bit confused as to what you are imagining will happen, sorry, if I have misunderstood.

You won't be able to/want to make such a long journey with a baby, so DH will have to do it alone. Is your issue that you don't want to be alone whilst he goes and collects and brings them back? If so I am afraid you will have to suck it up, as it's perfectly reasonable for DH to do this in order to see his DC.

The XW can't be forced to do anything I don't think.

If you don't think you will cope alone then as PP have suggested, is there anyone nearby who can help you?

I won't do the trip with a newborn I think that's way too much and my partner agrees. So thats settled.

Easter holidays is around my due date. And I'd like some time with my baby and partner. He has paternity at that time too.

I've read the comments and I won't comment on decisions made when I wasn't there. But we are settled where we are and made a life together . Jobs , security is all here and we don't see moving in the future but never say never.

It will most likely be the following month after the baby is born that we will get the step kids down. Its a logistic nightmare unless we leave it until May half term maybe ? So they can spend longer with us and meet the baby?

I agree there's a lot of hypocrisy on here

Its incredibly unfair to ask the dm to travel. She is the only parent in real terms. She does everything. He has abdicated his responsibility. Why should she do more on top to facilitate him?

Why do your partners children need to wait till May? When is the last time you think he will see them before the baby arrives?

It's really hard to empathise with needing time alone with your partner and new child when his only commitment to them is one night a month. He should go see them alone until you are ready to travel.

I can understand not wanting him that far away in the few days after birth, but unless there are complications you are being unfair.

Poor kids.

I initially thought it was 350/368 miles one way...but as a return trip...he could see them more often.

Is it the return trip mileage?

In the OP it says it takes 3.5 - 4 hrs one way.

My DD's dad lives 130 miles away (return trip 260 miles) - when I've done the full journey myself it's doable in 5 hours altogether (with no stops).

If the distance here is 350 miles return trip, that's 175 miles each direction.

I'm confused as to how I can drive 130 miles in 2.5 hours, but just 45 miles further takes 3.5-4 hours?

Am I confusing the issue? 🙈

The distance is 184miles one way, with no traffic its 3 hours but thats rarely the case as driving past big big cities,A1 most of the way and then more aroads so it takes roughly 3-4hours. On a bad day ( accidents , very common ) its taken us 5 hours one way.

@Userwoman1990

The distance is 184miles one way, with no traffic its 3 hours but thats rarely the case as driving past big big cities,A1 most of the way and then more aroads so it takes roughly 3-4hours. On a bad day ( accidents , very common ) its taken us 5 hours one way.

Ahh this makes sense - with a roads to navigate as well.

For me it's mostly motorway the whole way.

The A1 is a joy on a Friday evening isn't it.

@Userwoman1990
I think May is the sensible option to have them visit.
If kids are told in March so they are aware of a longer visit in may/ no visit April, you all know where you stand.

I would massively involve them on baby's first day home though, lots of pictures/ video call so they know they're being thought of and contact the weekend it would have usually been too.

I see why people are saying April contact should go ahead but personally with what's been said so far, I would expect arrangements to be cancelled last minute which is unfair on the kids to be dropped last minute.
At least doing the above they know in advance the arrangements.

Will DM happily keep them the usual days you have them- best arrange ASAP in case she has plans.