Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

274 replies

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 19:31

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 19:32

I also have no clue with acronyms!! so feel free to educate me aha

OP posts:

SnoozyBoozy · 02/03/2021 19:34

Which parent moved 350 miles away? If it was the other parent, I would expect them to at least meet you half way.

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2021 19:35

Does he have any family who could help, or do you have any family on hand when he is off driving?

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2021 19:36

OP means the original poster btw, if referring to their mum you can use DM 😊

Original poster

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 19:37

When I met my partner they were already 350 miles apart. He left due to needing nearby family at the time of the separation and settled back where he's from originally.

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 02/03/2021 19:40

As your dh only sees them monthly and they are already going to probably feel a little left out with the arrival of a new baby I think he should make the effort to collect them and bring them down to meet the new baby. They still need to see their Dad and you don't want them to think that they are not wanted as much now a new baby. Is here. It's important for them to bond too.

Original poster

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 19:42

@aSofaNearYou thankyou 💓
Lockdown makes things difficult to get support in your home.

I have suggested we have a plan ready because with so much driving it will literally be a short meet and greet! His parents are quite old and don't really drive anymore.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 02/03/2021 19:43

My DSD lives 3 hours away and we had help from grandparents to bring her up the first time as I very much felt like you.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 02/03/2021 19:48

The dsds are allowed to travel between their parent's homes. He needs to suck it up I'm afraid if he's the one that moved so far away - you've always known this about him, and therefore this can be no surprise to you.

Can he get the train one way with them? Eg drive to them, leave his car and return with them by train, take them home by train and drive back to you? That way he's only doing half the journey by himself (I agree, I'd not want him driving 700 miles in a day) and letting the train take the strain for the second leg with his dd.

It's not ideal, but this it a long-established pattern of contact.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 02/03/2021 19:49

Also with a baby under 1 you're allowed a support bubble, would this help when baby arrives?

SaifTea · 02/03/2021 19:57

You'll be fine OP. I get the anxiety but honestly you'll be fine. You'll have to cope with the baby while he's at work anyway. Could a friend come stay with you if you're really nervous? Honestly with two days a month the other two kids barely have a Dad. I wouldn't ask them to skip those 2 days.

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2021 20:17

In the absence of any support I would say you will have to play it by ear as to when he can collect them.

I had a C Section and my DP would not have been able to go for that length of time if I didn't have my family to help, as I couldn't get up and down myself etc.

If they are at school by then it will most likely need to be on a weekend, anyway, which will narrow down the chances of it being straight after the birth.

But in all honesty if at all possible, I would set up a support bubble with a newborn.

AIMD · 02/03/2021 20:24

I understand your anxiety op.

If you have a good relationship with the girls mum you could ask her if she’d help by meeting your partner halfway. Maybe you could offer to pay petrol and/or suggest girls staying an extra day. If you don’t have an ok relationship with the mums I won’t ask.

I don’t see the girls mum should have to though and I think she’d be reasonable to say no.

Ultimately though I think you might have to accept your oh will be away on those dates. Maybe ask a family member to be with you if you think you’ll need support at home.

As a side note that’s a lot of travelling for the kids too.

purplebiscuits · 02/03/2021 20:25

Congratulations!
When you say it's usually a weekend what happens now?
Do you both travel?
Is it there/ back to collect Saturday then Sunday the same and drop off?
Is it set weekends for the rest of the year or arranged the month before etc?

I would let their dad do the driving and you chill with the baby.

What date is baby due?
Could you have the kids a couple of weeks before due date and then (hopefully) when baby is a couple of weeks old depending on baby coming early/ late!

RedMarauder · 02/03/2021 20:30

OP you want all the children to know each other so the sooner the older ones meet your baby the better and easier it is as you have done it.

While at the moment you will feel apprehensive about this as it's difficult, going forward it's in your child's best interests.

Your child, particularly from teenage years when they are more independent, will have older siblings who they can have a relationship with.

I'm saying this as someone who has half-siblings from both parents.

Original poster

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 20:35

So we used to travel together finish work on Friday and do the drive stay in a hotel then pick up Saturday morning sometimes we stayed in the hotel another night had the kids then drove home.

On other occasions we have only stayed in the hotel one night and drove home to drive back the next day.

With covid that has changed things as lots of hotel closures. My partner has driven very early Saturday had Saturday night at home and then drove back Sunday. Its not ideal at all and very tiring.

The history behind this is they all lived where we are currently . When first step daughter was 1 they moved 350 miles away to be close to the DM's family. Had the second child but the relationship was already very strained and separated within 6months of the second child being born.

It was a financial decision to move back to original base for my partner as couldn't afford to live alone near his DDs he needed to move back in with his parents . Then he met me 3 years ago and we set up a life where we are. ⁵

OP posts:

LucieStar · 02/03/2021 20:42

Hi OP.

Firstly congratulations!

I completely understand your anxiety. I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and imagine I'll want DP close by when baby is born too, as I'll no doubt feel quite vulnerable as a new mum.

Is it more the practical things you're concerned about managing, or the emotional support?

Could DP help you meal prep for example before he left to collect the kids, so you have meals ready made in the freezer? DP is going to do this for me after baby is born before he goes back to work, as I plan to breastfeed so will probably have a baby permanently attached to me and no time to cook!

If it's more the emotional support, is there anyone you can bubble with who can come stay with you while he's away? You're allowed a to bubble with a baby under 1.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 02/03/2021 20:45

I had a C Section and my DP would not have been able to go for that length of time if I didn't have my family to help, as I couldn't get up and down myself etc

What do you think single parents do? Or single parents with toddlers as well?

Op you will be fine. Worrying is normal but its so important to keep that great relationship, plus if.you have a second it will be easier as you will already be used to juggling everything.

LucieStar · 02/03/2021 20:46

I had a C Section and my DP would not have been able to go for that length of time if I didn't have my family to help, as I couldn't get up and down myself etc.

This is a good point - you'll likely need some hands on support if you have a C section.

sowhatsnext · 02/03/2021 20:56

OP - I think your anxiety is totally natural. However if you start to ask your partner to cancel etc it really sends the wrong message IMO to his kids. This new arrival is simply an extension of their family and therefore they should be included in that.

Presumably if your partner is off work could he travel Fri am; have a break up there and then travel back with the kids fri on after they finish school? That way your not alone overnight and the kids get 2 days with u? He could then do similar Sunday or stay overnight sun eve and get back to you early Monday am.

I know in your mind it’s not ideal, but you can have a support bubble with a child under 1 and therefore maybe you could arrange for someone to come to stay with u on the Sunday evening?

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2021 21:14

*What do you think single parents do? Or single parents with toddlers as well?

Op you will be fine. Worrying is normal but its so important to keep that great relationship, plus if.you have a second it will be easier as you will already be used to juggling everything.*

I don't know, but in my case it wouldn't have been possible. There was infection and other complications involved, I won't go into grisly details as I'm not trying to scare OP and obviously not all births are like that.

But it is a possibility, which is why it is far more sensible to have an "as soon as is possible" approach. The birth may be straightforward and OP ready to look after baby alone within days, but it may not be. Facilitating the sibling relationship is important but certain medical scenarios may need to take precedence.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2021 21:27

Are you worried about the first pick up after having the baby or all the next monthly picks?

If you have a family member near you...like your mum, they could get a covid test and then come over to help you out.

purplebiscuits · 02/03/2021 22:10

That sounds exhausting op!

Have they got their own room at yours if they aren't even there once a month?

What is it you worry about? Travelling with baby? Or not staying in a hotel with baby so dad is away from you for a night? 1400 miles in 2-3 days is massive.

Trickyboy · 02/03/2021 23:44

No OP. I would not be happy with this prospect either. Hopefully baby arrives when you have a good three Weeks to get used to having baby and been able to enjoy some lovely special time with your partner and LO. Yes of course your step children need to be involved and made welcome in their half siblings life. However that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have the same special bonding time with you, your partner and baby that all first time mums would like to enjoy. Regardless of your partner having children from a previous relationship. As long as those children are safe and looked after by at least one of their parents.

There is absolutely no need nor requirement for half siblings to be in the mix the moment you are home from hospital. Ffs I didn't even have my OWN children back from grandparents when I had subsequent children. We all want a little peace after giving birth.

As for whoever came up with the ridiculous ' well how do you think single parents cope after a caesarean' to which my answer would be ... I would hope they would have arranged some help and if they were idiotic enough not to - then it doesn't mean the OP needs to put herself through the same difficulties .

Ultimately you need to be selfish for a few days. You are entitled to enjoy the wonder of new motherhood with the minimum of upset. There is a big difference between ignoring your stepchildren and cutting them off from their father and the deeply unfashionable idea that sometimes even step children need to have a little patience, and let someone get comfortable before their 'wants' not needs are met. Needs of course should always be met. But no child needs to meet its sibling as soon as it arrives. That's a 'want' and you come first OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2021 23:52

What’s your partner suggesting? Have you told him how you’re feeling and if so what has he said?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread