Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

I am getting even less sympathy as this progresses for the father!

My Ex moved 100 miles away - every other Friday I picked up DCS from school and drove round the M25 in rush hour to drop the DCS with EX - who could not leave his new partner and her DCs. On a good day it was 2.5 hours one way and the worst was 5 hours one way. I did it for my DCs so they had a relationship with their father. Which they now do.

He felt it was too much for him to do on a Friday and leave his new partner with her children and then their joint DC. Small accident stopped me driving for 3 months and he manned up and did it. He complained about the time but in those 3 months he learned what I was doing for our DCS. He never asked me to do it again. I was not even allowed to have a pee after one stop start 4 hour marathon one way and faced a 2.5 hour marathon on the way home - thank god for laybys and petrol stations!

Sorry OP - your DP needs to make a bit more effort for all his DCs. Whilst you are undoubtedly going to get the first few weeks playing new happy families, it is also quite clear that May will be when he next sees his DCS or they meet their new sibling. By that time the nursery will be established and they will be where.....

Once per month to see his DCS in a hotel over night is quite truly pathetic. He needs to make more effort but with a new baby I fear that will not happen for his older DCS.

I wish you luck OP you are going to need it. It is irrelevant what caused the split, why he moved etc - his older DCS deserve more than the minimal time and effort he makes towards them.

Many NRPS and RPS, SMs and SDs, bust their balls to make sure the DCS suffer no more than they have to from the decisions and actions of their parents. I am afraid your DP does the bare minimum and I feel sorry for you and his older DCS.

Enjoy your baby - they are all special and all deserve two engaged parents.

Your post has hit a really raw nerve with me

When my ex had a new baby I was happy to drove over to drop my son over... least I could do. Totally understood how it is with a baby!

And pick him up...

@Userwoman1990

The distance is 184miles one way, with no traffic its 3 hours but thats rarely the case as driving past big big cities,A1 most of the way and then more aroads so it takes roughly 3-4hours. On a bad day ( accidents , very common ) its taken us 5 hours one way.

Seriously?

I posted up thread when I thought he had a 700mile round trip and thought he should suck it up. 184 miles is a long drive but breakable with a meal at the other end before returning.

I've been separated/divorced for 10 years now, with the same distance between parents. Both live just a short distance off the A1 at each end. Every other weekend one of us did this journey, both ways. I've done both legs myself way more times than my ex, as I was the one that moved.

The A1 can be a ballache. Darrington, Newark, Black Cat are my favourite bottlenecks, especially about 4pm on a Friday and 6.30 on a Sunday.

If you're close to the A1 then consider the train - have him drive to collect them and leave his car close to dms house, return by train to yours, then do the reverse on Sunday night. He's only doing half the driving then. Plus with railcards and booking in advance it won't be much more expensive than driving.

Of course, I mean if he increased his contact to fortnightly, that would double or treble his contact expenses from the 6 weekly visits he currently does. You can get from York to Kings Cross in 2 hours, why the hell is he using the distance as an excuse?

His kids are going to feel massively pushed out - kids that live in the same household feel the same when a new baby comes home - so pushing the visits back for god knows how long is ridiculous.

OP you may very well have an easy birth, find caring for a newborn relatively straightforward, and be glad of a few hours break from a fussy dp while he goes to pick up his dc. I find it preposterous that on mn the general assumption is that all new mums instantly turn into delicate quivering wrecks post-birth, when in fact the majority are functioning adults, with responsibilities and jobs before delivery, who simply can't cope without the 'menz' for a few hours once baby arrives.

Yes, I've got 2 dc, and had traumatic births requiring extended hospital stays for both, their dad was crap in the first few weeks/months 17 years and counting but still, all that is being asked is that op sits indoors for a few hours while dp picks up his kids

I find it preposterous that on mn the general assumption is that all new mums instantly turn into delicate quivering wrecks post-birth, when in fact the majority are functioning adults, with responsibilities and jobs before delivery, who simply can't cope without the 'menz' for a few hours once baby arrives.

Why do people think it's appropriate to be so incredibly patronising towards people who struggle more after childbirth than they do? All sorts of different things can happen to the body whilst and after giving birth, yet somehow if one person has a traumatic birth and is able to quickly work through it, there isn't even the faintest possibility that other people might have births with more debilitating effects.

I don't think all women turn into "delicate quivering wrecks", but I do know that due to the nature of the complications I couldn't stand up or sit down by myself for some time, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me being a pathetic child who was unable to cope without the "menz". Why is that so hard to believe? Why does that bring out such a bizarre need for mockery in some women?

Why do people think it's appropriate to be so incredibly patronising towards people who struggle more after childbirth than they do?

I have no idea but I will say this - I'm absolutely sick of seeing these type of comments aimed at post natal women. There's another thread running where a poster has shared how the pressure and responsibility for her DSS following the birth of her baby and her focus on constantly putting him first, led her to develop PND and become suicidal. Another poster has very helpfully commented "you're blaming the little boy for your depression?" when that's not what was said at all!

I've been shamed on here before too, for my own PND - I had a disgusting comment thrown at me about this.

Why is this allowed to continue on these boards? Do post natal mums get this on the parenting boards too?

I'm having a baby myself in 6 weeks and if I do struggle again with my MH postnatally- where can I safely seek support at 3am? Because it sure as hell isn't here.

I certainly would never minimise the needs of a postnatal woman. I’ve had an emergency c-section myself, with a ropey recovery and PND. I know it can be tough.

But I still don’t understand why this predicament is being blown into such a huge issue on this thread, which I’m sure can’t be helping the OP’s anxiety.

Her DH will be gone for a day to see his older children. It’s hardly abandonment.

In a perfect world, every couple would have a blissful little baby bubble with no outside responsibilities infringing on it for as long as they both needed it. But it’s not a perfect world. This man is already a father. Not a hugely involved one, at that. I’m pretty sure - unless the OP is seriously ill - she will cope for a day. It’s perfectly doable and no great hardship.

It’s perfectly doable and no great hardship
You are in no position to categorically state what the post partum medical status of OP and her baby will be.
I won’t go into the harrowing details but my second DS was born I couldn’t even safely pick up my older DS, who wasn’t one yet, for several weeks.
That’s after popping back on my feet within hours of DS1 being born the year before.

@TheFive

I certainly would never minimise the needs of a postnatal woman. I’ve had an emergency c-section myself, with a ropey recovery and PND. I know it can be tough.

But I still don’t understand why this predicament is being blown into such a huge issue on this thread, which I’m sure can’t be helping the OP’s anxiety.

Her DH will be gone for a day to see his older children. It’s hardly abandonment.

In a perfect world, every couple would have a blissful little baby bubble with no outside responsibilities infringing on it for as long as they both needed it. But it’s not a perfect world. This man is already a father. Not a hugely involved one, at that. I’m pretty sure - unless the OP is seriously ill - she will cope for a day. It’s perfectly doable and no great hardship.

It's not being blown out of proportion at all. 1 in 4 people have a CSection. It is a pretty likely outcome that needs to be considered before committing to picking them up straight away. It's nothing to do with abandonment, just acknowledgment that how soon he is able to leave her for the full day may depend on the medical outcome of the birth. Why is that so hard to accept? Why do so many women internalise the view that if you aren't able to crack straight on with your life without support the day after giving birth, and regardless of what has actually happened to your body and how that differs to other, apparently more "adult" women, then you must be weak and pathetic? Why do people feel they are the authority on what is "perfectly doable" when they are talking about somebody else's potentially totally different medical ordeal?

If I was the OP, this thread would be terrifying me unnecessarily.

Lots of projection of people’s harrowing experiences with little acknowledgement that the vast majority of women (including those who have c-sections) are perfectly able to cope with a newborn alone for the day. And it is still perfectly possible for a man to discharge his scant duties towards his children AND be supportive and nurturing to his postnatal wife.

You might think all this catastrophising is supportive, but I don’t. So I’m offering the OP a different perspective.

I did acknowledge that straight forward births do happen. My first birth was probably as straightforward as they come to be honest.
That doesn’t change the fact that this is all unpredictable and the best thing would be for the OP not to be worrying that he will just be gone regardless of what state she is in.
She needs to know that if she needs him he will be there.
Hopefully she will be fine and merrily wave him off. A bit of reassurance that he will be there if needed is really all thats required.

@TheFive

If I was the OP, this thread would be terrifying me unnecessarily.

Lots of projection of people’s harrowing experiences with little acknowledgement that the vast majority of women (including those who have c-sections) are perfectly able to cope with a newborn alone for the day. And it is still perfectly possible for a man to discharge his scant duties towards his children AND be supportive and nurturing to his postnatal wife.

You might think all this catastrophising is supportive, but I don’t. So I’m offering the OP a different perspective.

People always seem to say this after a while. I'm not trying to scare OP, all I said to her was that it's best to take an ASAP, flexible approach to when the kids come over as you never know what's going to happen. But I can't help but take issue with all the people who, as a result, thought it was necessary to point out how weak and pathetic a woman would have to be to not be on their feet immediately because THEY were. I feel I am perfectly entitled to address that and, additionally, I think it is a highly toxic and detrimental mindset that will hardly help OP IF she does struggle at all.

I disagree wholeheartedly that anyone is "catastrophising".

They are offering empathy and understanding to the OP.

Huge difference.

I can't help but take issue with all the people who, as a result, thought it was necessary to point out how weak and pathetic a woman would have to be to not be on their feet immediately because THEY were. I feel I am perfectly entitled to address that and, additionally, I think it is a highly toxic and detrimental mindset that will hardly help OP IF she does struggle at all.

Quite!! Well said.

Surely you just play it by ear and see what the circumstances are when you actually are giving birth/scheduled to give birth.

You could have a completely smooth sailing birth 3 weeks before the DC are due to have contact and be perfectly fine to spend the weekend at home with your 3 week old baby while their dad goes off to see them.

Or you could have a C section on the week they’re due to have contact in which case DP will call their mum and say “sorry, I need to reschedule contact, can we postpone it for 2 weeks and reassess the situation closer to then?”

Basically you won’t know what needs to happen until you’re a lot closer to the actual situation.

OP I just want to point out (as your head may be all over the place by now!)

I had a csection and had to stay in hospital a couple of nights.
First day home was great, dp went straight off to the pub once we got back and I had the baby some hours to myself. Same the next afternoon it was lovely to have the time with my baby and not him, I can't wait for the pub to reopen.
I could do everything for baby except carry the bath of water.
A friend had a csection and couldn't even pick baby up/ put him down.

Everyone is different and there is no right/ wrong way to be after birth, csection or vaginal.

Have you decided on your plans yet?

March contact is going ahead as normal this weekend but I am staying home not making the journey with my partner.

April I think will be too much up in the air baby is due no sleep from what im told! and my partner agrees to leave till May half term and they can spend more quality time with their new sibling. He is arranging this their
DM.

We will ofcourse facetime and zoom call as we always do. The step kids don't really know any different from this set up and have no memory of their mum and dad togther. So to them this is normal. They have a great relationship with their dad and look forward to seeing him. They are excited about the baby too. We haven't heard any worries and trust me we would have from their DM if they did voice them.

Sorry but I think your partner a shit father for leaving his two young kids to move 350 miles away.

Don't think he wouldn't do the same to your child if you split.

@ukgift2016

Sorry but I think your partner a shit father for leaving his two young kids to move 350 miles away.

Don't think he wouldn't do the same to your child if you split.

I'm assuming you haven't RTFT, then...

I did RTFT but it doesn't take away the fact, the father moved 180 miles away from his two young children. Says a lot about him as a man.

@ukgift2016

I did RTFT but it doesn't take away the fact, the father moved 180 miles away from his two young children. Says a lot about him as a man.

If you'd RTFT you'd see that he moved back to his home area for financial reasons following the relationship breakdown, after having moved away with his ex wife to be nearer to her family. That's not the same as "rubbish Dad who doesn't care and has just left his family on the other side of the country", is it.

@ukgift2016

Sorry but I think your partner a shit father for leaving his two young kids to move 350 miles away.

Don't think he wouldn't do the same to your child if you split.

What a fantastic contribution to the thread 🤣🤣🤣

@OhCaptain

Particularly helpful to the OP, wasn't it.

If you'd RTFT you'd see that he moved back to his home area for financial reasons following the relationship breakdown, after having moved away with his ex wife to be nearer to her family. That's not the same as "rubbish Dad who doesn't care and has just left his family on the other side of the country", is it.

And that justifies leaving your two young children? Many parents are forced to stay living in areas after separation, to remain near to their children. He sees his kids once a month, that is not a good father. Works for OP though as she doesn't have the step kids around much.

My opinion.

@ukgift2016

If you'd RTFT you'd see that he moved back to his home area for financial reasons following the relationship breakdown, after having moved away with his ex wife to be nearer to her family. That's not the same as "rubbish Dad who doesn't care and has just left his family on the other side of the country", is it.

And that justifies leaving your two young children? Many parents are forced to stay living in areas after separation, to remain near to their children. He sees his kids once a month, that is not a good father. Works for OP though as she doesn't have the step kids around much.

My opinion.

And many are forced to move away. It's life. Doesn't make them bad people.

@ukgift2016- What a Lovely comment thank you