Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@Trickyboy

No OP. I would not be happy with this prospect either. Hopefully baby arrives when you have a good three Weeks to get used to having baby and been able to enjoy some lovely special time with your partner and LO. Yes of course your step children need to be involved and made welcome in their half siblings life. However that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have the same special bonding time with you, your partner and baby that all first time mums would like to enjoy. Regardless of your partner having children from a previous relationship. As long as those children are safe and looked after by at least one of their parents.

There is absolutely no need nor requirement for half siblings to be in the mix the moment you are home from hospital. Ffs I didn't even have my OWN children back from grandparents when I had subsequent children. We all want a little peace after giving birth.

As for whoever came up with the ridiculous ' well how do you think single parents cope after a caesarean' to which my answer would be ... I would hope they would have arranged some help and if they were idiotic enough not to - then it doesn't mean the OP needs to put herself through the same difficulties .

Ultimately you need to be selfish for a few days. You are entitled to enjoy the wonder of new motherhood with the minimum of upset. There is a big difference between ignoring your stepchildren and cutting them off from their father and the deeply unfashionable idea that sometimes even step children need to have a little patience, and let someone get comfortable before their 'wants' not needs are met. Needs of course should always be met. But no child needs to meet its sibling as soon as it arrives. That's a 'want' and you come first OP.

Completely agree with all of this.

He only sees his kids once a month?

He has to suck it up.

He has to suck it up.

Is this necessary?

It's really not a suck it up situation. The OP is worried about being on her own with a newborn when he collects his DC.

I can't see how your response makes any sense, given that hasn't seen where it's been said that he doesn't want to pick them up.

I agree that once a month is a low amount of contact...but I still don't see how your response makes sense.

Can you move to every six weeks as there's usually a school holiday and then have his dc for longer.

@SandyY2K

He has to suck it up.

Is this necessary?

It's really not a suck it up situation. The OP is worried about being on her own with a newborn when he collects his DC.

I can't see how your response makes any sense, given that hasn't seen where it's been said that he doesn't want to pick them up.

I agree that once a month is a low amount of contact...but I still don't see how your response makes sense.

I agree.
And sort of missing the point that it's not about the Dad and the level of contact - it's about how the OP feels, which is the whole basis of her post.

Ultimately you need to be selfish for a few days
This is exactly why this forum is deemed so biased.

There are regular threads about mothers demanding dad's look after the kids for a few days out of normal contact and the response is that she's a cow to even dare asking.

But when it's SM who demands her OH cancel his visits for her, the response is that she has a right to be selfish!

He moved away from the family home at separation. Even if he needed some respite time, he should have looked for a job abs accommodation back to their town because his children should have gone first.

Instead, he was happy to stay 350 mike's away seeing them once a month, never (or not often?) at his home.

The reality is that it's going to be even more of an issue. Even if mum is sympathetic and agrees to by pass a month or change the weekend, it will still be much harder to visit from then on.

You'll have to accept that once a month you are on your own with baby as he travels on his own. Or travel with a small baby which will be stressful or travel with them and put them through a tough journey and you can expect tired grumpy kids.

It is the way it is and something that will have to be accepted or face him seeing his girls and less to the point they won't care to see him at all because it won't be worth the trouble and they have learnt not to miss him.

There are regular threads about mothers demanding dad's look after the kids for a few days out of normal contact and the response is that she's a cow to even dare asking.

Is that when the mum is giving birth? Because if so I’ve never once seen that scenario on here.

Big difference between mum wants a night off and asks the dad to have the DC when it’s not his contact time at short notice, and when someone’s giving birth and asks in advance for a bit of leeway.

But maybe loads of resident parent mums are trying to rearrange contact so her older kids are with their dad while she gives birth to a subsequent baby and the non-resident father is unreasonable and refuses and I’ve just missed the threads.

If not, this isn’t a fair comparison is it.

This is exactly why this forum is deemed so biased.

And posts like yours are why it is viewed as biased from the other side!

I don't personally think the word "selfish" is correct, I think OPs needs will need to take priority for a while. No inherent "selfishness" about it, it's just the appropriate way for things to be immediately after a baby is born. The fact is OP may not be fighting fit to be left alone all day for at least a few days, but it could be a week or two. It all depends on the birth, which anybody who has ever given birth should appreciate.

I don't think OPs post sounded like she wanted to cancel regular contact time, it sounded like she was apprehensive about picking them up outside of it, specifically so they could meet the baby. But regardless, of course there is a possibility regular contact will have to be postponed, because OP may be in active labour when it occurs. Unless they have someone on hand to help out, there simply has to be some maturity and flexibility when it comes to a baby being born.

I don't personally think the word "selfish" is correct, I think OPs needs will need to take priority for a while. No inherent "selfishness" about it, it's just the appropriate way for things to be immediately after a baby is born.

Quite.

Our first baby together is due in 6 weeks, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'll be taking as much time as I need to recover postpartum and I won't tolerate anyone calling me "selfish" for it either! What has it come to when women can't even prioritise their own physical and mental health in the immediate aftermath of giving birth?!

It’s reasonable to ask your partner to act as the situation demands at the time.
You might be up and about and absolutely fine after giving birth and be alright with him going to collect his daughters.
You might not be anywhere close to alright and the right thing would be for him to prioritise you and your new baby until you have sufficiently recovered.
I’d be wanting to know he would be capable of making the right he decision, then you deal with the birth and baby you get at the time.

OP. Just do what is right for you - it's not the end of the world if they miss a weekend. With such long distances involved, I would feel the same way at being left immediately after giving birth.

Let's be honest this man is not a prize father.

He sees his DCs once a month in a hotel for one night. The suggestion above that they consider every 6 weeks is lamentable.

OP - he needs to organise with their poor DM that the weekend he has them is flexible around the time of your birth and maybe 2 weeks after the baby is born. By which point you will be capable of most things.

He also needs to consider how he is going to see his DCS in the future - or are you taking the new born to the hotel aswell.

Good Luck OP you will be fine - not everyone is crippled after a c section and with your own support network you will manage. He on the other hand is about to have a major reality check on what it means to be a proper father to all his children.

It's the easter holidays soon, could he ask to have them for longer so he's not driving up and back twice in two days?

@CeeceeBloomingdale

It's the easter holidays soon, could he ask to have them for longer so he's not driving up and back twice in two days?

That's not a bad suggestion.

But unless OP has a pre scheduled C section and knows exactly when she's going to be giving birth, DP is going to struggle to commit a precise day for pick up, as no one can predict when OP might be in labour.

This is the issue we have too currently with my SCs - DP has explained to their mum that if I go into labour for example the evening of scheduled contact time, he'll obviously have to postpone collecting them. Or if they happen to be with us already when I go into labour, they would need to go home to her. Luckily she's reasonable and understands that!

So it's just something that would need to be factored in I suppose. The distance for us is only 30 mins though, so obviously it's massively different to OP's scenario in that sense.

No, if I was the ex I wouldn’t be meeting anyone halfway. If he really had to move 350 miles away from his daughters after the split for financial reasons he should have subsequently been focusing all his effort and resources into getting back to them as soon as possible, instead he’s chosen to have another child. I don’t see why she should have any goodwill left whatsoever and I think he’d be out of order to ask her to.

So we used to travel together finish work on Friday and do the drive stay in a hotel then pick up Saturday morning sometimes we stayed in the hotel another night had the kids then drove home.

On other occasions we have only stayed in the hotel one night and drove home to drive back the next day.

Can you clarify...does this mean the kids have never been to their dad's house?

I didn't read it that way initially until a pp said it later on in the thread.

If he only sees them in a hotel, I would find it a real hassle travelling with a newborn, so if I was you, I wouldn't go on the next journey and get family support following a negative covid test from them.

I honestly couldn't imagine living so far away from my DC and seeing them monthly.

I agree with a previous suggestion of seeing if they can stay a week during the Easter and other holidays.

Hi Op,

Congratulations first of all on your pregnancy.

Is your due date near any school holidays ? Is it a possibility that would could have them for longer so hubby could pick them up and then bring them back so you can all be together?

It's so daunting the first time on your own, my little one is 10 months now and hubby has to work away 1 week out of 4 but honestly it was a lot better than I thought.

Hope you manage to work something out xx

Have you spoke to your partner about this? And if so what has he suggested to solve the issues?. Personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your DSD’s mum won’t travel as your partner is the one who moved away.

Obv impossible to know when baby will come which makes so much difference - C Sec a week before they're due Vs vaginal no complications the Monday after you've seen then.

I think it's Def worth him speaking to the ex and asking as a one off if baby comes X can you do Y, even if it means him sending money to cover the costs.

Do in t forget you get a bubble so if he goes to see kids alone you can have his or your parent etc to help.

What's the holiday arrangements? Are you due around one? Could them coming up to you for the full week (so DH drives down, spends some time there with them then drives back) be an option?

I'm not clear what you're worried about? He only sees them for one day/evening once a month. What's the issue?

Hmmm. There’ll be weekends now going forward when the new DC is unwell, where OP is tired, when it’s the new DCs first this that and the other...all sorts of reasons where it won’t suit for the step kids to be collected or spend time with their dad.
Poor kids!

To be honest this arrangement just isn't going to work with a baby/toddler. It might be better to work toward seeing them for longer chunks in the holidays? You can't leave a newborn in a car seat for that long for a start.

@Coronawireless

Hmmm. There’ll be weekends now going forward when the new DC is unwell, where OP is tired, when it’s the new DCs first this that and the other...all sorts of reasons where it won’t suit for the step kids to be collected or spend time with their dad. Poor kids!

That's a huge and ridiculous leap from having a bit of flexibility following childbirth.

@TheFive

I'm not clear what you're worried about? He only sees them for one day/evening once a month. What's the issue?

The OP's likely vulnerability in the post natal period (physically and emotionally), I imagine is the issue.

Personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your DSD’s mum won’t travel as your partner is the one who moved away.

He technically didn't "move away". He moved back to their original home area. OP says that when first SC was 1, the family relocated from their area (where Dad has now moved back to) to be closer to Mum's family. Following relationship breakdown he moved back in with his own parents due to affordability (not uncommon after separation / divorce, my DP did the same temporarily after his exW ended their relationship due to her affair - he had nowhere else to go). I don't think this is remotely the same as "he moved away", which makes it sound like he just thought sod it, I'm off to make a new life without my kids.