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Original poster

Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

274 replies

Userwoman1990 · 02/03/2021 19:31

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

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TheFive · 03/03/2021 14:18

North = birth

AIMD · 03/03/2021 14:18

“The distance does make seeing the kids very hard. I have a calender and I'm very organised. So is my partner. DM is not so much and will just be very adhoc. I was wondering opinions if its fair for DM to bring the kids half way. I agree doing this long term ,staying in hotels etc isn't realistic .

Or for this special occasion is it fair to ask DM to bring the kids half way so they can meet their new sibling ?”

Personally I think it’s fair and ok to ask the DM to drive half way, but if she says no I think that’s fair enough and don’t think she should be pressured. If the relationship between you and her isn’t good though I don’t know if it’s worth while asking.

It’d see it as your DHs responsibility to arrange collection and drop off of his kids for contact giving he moved and had them so infrequently. It would be nice if their DM would help around the time your baby is due, because getting on and having some flexibility is better for all involved, however you will know best of that is worthwhile suggesting depending on the relationship.

Does DH offer flexibility in when he has the kids.... would you be willing to have the children at different times or not if the girls mother had a personal issue she needed to make arrangements around? Or do you stick rigidly to the arrangements in place?

I think it’s fine to be rigid with arrangements if that prevents arguments and if the relationship between the adults isn’t good enough to allow for flexibility. The ideal would be for everyone to offer support and flexibility for reasonable issues, but obviously that is not possible if the relationship is very bad.

TheFive · 03/03/2021 14:20

Unfortunately the needs of existing children don’t disappear because a new baby comes along. That’s nothing to do with step parenting or not. If you have more children, OP, you’ll find the same thing.

Your DH has existing responsibilities. It’s not for his ex wife and two you g children to accommodate you, it’s for HIM to manage the responsibilities he has as best as he can. As it exists, he sees very little of his children. It’s not exactly a huge burden.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2021 14:25

@TheFive

Unfortunately the needs of existing children don’t disappear because a new baby comes along. That’s nothing to do with step parenting or not. If you have more children, OP, you’ll find the same thing.

Your DH has existing responsibilities. It’s not for his ex wife and two you g children to accommodate you, it’s for HIM to manage the responsibilities he has as best as he can. As it exists, he sees very little of his children. It’s not exactly a huge burden.

Yes he does have to manage his responsibilities, but that means prioritising the people whose needs are greatest at any given time. IF his wife isn't back on her feet and able to care for the baby alone by the time his regular contact comes around, he will have to prioritise her and baby's safety and wellbeing. Hence why it makes sense to come to an arrangement with the DCs mother about flexibility around that time. In normal times, he would probably have to be looking at some kind of outside support to be on hand to facilitate it, but that may or may not be possible currently.
LucieStar · 03/03/2021 14:30

This. Being able to afford another child and being able to provide a suitable living space to be close to his existing children are not always either/or. They aren't always equitable, it's a very simplistic outlook to say they are.

Spot on.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 14:32

@Cocopogo

You are being needy but you know this. Plenty of people raise kids alone, you are talking about 2 days a month.

When we have reached a point where a woman's immediate post partum physical and mental health needs are regarded as "needy", I do despair.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 14:33

I wouldn't think badly of the mum for saying no to making the journey at all, but at the same time I wouldn't think badly of the dad and SM for not being able to facilitate the journey straight away.

Agreed.

Chimpfield · 03/03/2021 15:12

This would be the last place I would ever ask for advice as a SM. (Which I am). To those who see it as a space to be vile to the OP you should be ashamed of yourselves. There is a core of bitter horrid women on here who never see anyone else's predicaments....

MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 15:35

I could afford several more children but not to move to many more expensive parts of the country. That’s how it goes 🤷‍♀️

It’s slightly hard to believe there was no middle ground option in that 368 mile distance, to be honest.

nurseriess · 03/03/2021 15:39

We had similar during lockdown and because we were so worried about the covid risk to a newborn dp changed contact to dsd he had a 3 month break then went to 6 weekly contact rather than monthly

MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 15:41

@nurseriess

We had similar during lockdown and because we were so worried about the covid risk to a newborn dp changed contact to dsd he had a 3 month break then went to 6 weekly contact rather than monthly
Yikes.
nurseriess · 03/03/2021 15:42

I know. Not ideal (contact involved a short flight though so it was really unavoidable initially and then we had to resume but at a lesser frequency)

purplebiscuits · 03/03/2021 15:42

I think you should ask DM to meet you halfway the first time or first 2 times after baby is born.
By then the world will be a little more open so you could either take baby and meet for a couple of hours (walk/ meal/ picnic) or he brings them back and she meets halfway again.

Then maybe offer an extra day or 2 when they come in the holidays.

Or even rearrange April and have a FaceTime call when baby is home the first day so they feel included/ see baby first etc.

Last thing you want is dh 4 hours away when you go into labour. Rare but first time births can be quick!

Bibidy · 03/03/2021 15:44

@MiddleParking

I could afford several more children but not to move to many more expensive parts of the country. That’s how it goes 🤷‍♀️

It’s slightly hard to believe there was no middle ground option in that 368 mile distance, to be honest.

Probably, but likely only if he wanted to live miles from his kids AND miles from the rest of his friends and family, assuming he couldn't afford to live close enough to the children to be doing 50/50.

I think most people naturally gravitate back towards their family after a split, particularly if they had recently moved to a new area which they don't consider to be their home.

Not advocating anyone moving massively far away from their children btw, but just saying it's not always as simple as just living wherever to accommodate your limited time with your children. Most people do need some kind of support network around them.

Youseethethingis · 03/03/2021 15:46

It’s slightly hard to believe there was no middle ground option in that 368 mile distance, to be honest
I’m sure there was. But then what we might have is a man still living a fair distance from his children, still not close enough to have for tea during the week etc and now he’s isolated from both his children and the rest of his family too. So how much further forward would he have been really?
We don’t know the exact circumstances, financial and employment issues etc etc.
Suppose it is easier to say he’s just a bad guy. But I that’s a very long way to drive even once a month and if he actually wanted to walk away from his children then he would have done just that and saved himself a lot of time.

OhCaptain · 03/03/2021 15:54

@MiddleParking

I could afford several more children but not to move to many more expensive parts of the country. That’s how it goes 🤷‍♀️

It’s slightly hard to believe there was no middle ground option in that 368 mile distance, to be honest.

Thankfully you’re not required to believe it. It’s nothing to do with you.
MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 15:54

Ah, you’re right so. Naturally gravitating 368 miles from your kids could happen to anyone, and it would definitely be reasonable to ask the parent who has them herself full-time save a monthly overnight to pull her weight a bit more.

MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 15:55

Thankfully you’re not required to believe it. It’s nothing to do with you.

First acquaintance with the internet?

OhCaptain · 03/03/2021 15:56

@MiddleParking

Thankfully you’re not required to believe it. It’s nothing to do with you.

First acquaintance with the internet?

Oh yeah, that’s it. I’m a complete novice.

Or I’m well used to posters like you determined to bend over backwards to paint NRP and stepmothers in a bad light. Your attempts at derailing aren’t going unnoticed. That’s all. Smile

Bibidy · 03/03/2021 15:58

@MiddleParking

Ah, you’re right so. Naturally gravitating 368 miles from your kids could happen to anyone, and it would definitely be reasonable to ask the parent who has them herself full-time save a monthly overnight to pull her weight a bit more.
No need to be so snarky. Things just aren't always as black and white as you're making out here.
lunar1 · 03/03/2021 16:04

@MiddleParking

Ah, you’re right so. Naturally gravitating 368 miles from your kids could happen to anyone, and it would definitely be reasonable to ask the parent who has them herself full-time save a monthly overnight to pull her weight a bit more.

This made me laugh.

The thing is the mum probably isn't going to care about a delay of a week is she, he isn't significant enough in their lives for it to really matter. She apparently isn't organised anyway!

He can just arrange to see his girls a week later. That's a much better option than making a single mum waste her very limited free time doing half the drive.

MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 16:04

Or I’m well used to posters like you determined to bend over backwards to paint NRP and stepmothers in a bad light.

You’re a bit confused Confused I’ve not said a bad word about OP.

LucieStar · 03/03/2021 16:09

Last thing you want is dh 4 hours away when you go into labour. Rare but first time births can be quick!

Oh god yes, this!
My first labour was only 5 hours 😳 No way I'd be wanting DP so far away.

OhCaptain · 03/03/2021 16:09

@MiddleParking

Or I’m well used to posters like you determined to bend over backwards to paint NRP and stepmothers in a bad light.

You’re a bit confused Confused I’ve not said a bad word about OP.

I’m not confused.

How does your constant posting about her DH, or what he should have done, or what he shouldn’t have done, or how terrible some NRP are in general help the OP at all?

What advice does that offer?

MiddleParking · 03/03/2021 16:13

*How does your constant posting about her DH, or what he should have done, or what he shouldn’t have done, or how terrible some NRP are in general help the OP at all?

What advice does that offer?*

It gives context to the response to the question OP asked, which is whether it would be reasonable to ask the ex to travel halfway. You certainly seem confused about how chat forums work.