Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

I think Coronawireless has hit it right.

This is not OPs issue - it is the father who has abandoned his 2 children and set up a new life elsewhere. 24 days per annum was doable but now it will not - for all the reasons CW stated.

The first 2 DCS do not have a father they have a sorry excuse for a father who does not have a clue how to be a father.

I would predict in the next year he sees even less than the pathetic amount of time he already does. So sad for the DCs - wonder how long it will take for them to meet their sibling?

The father in this has really pissed me off - not OP - he really is a sorry excuse for a father.

@bogoffmda

I think Coronawireless has hit it right.

This is not OPs issue - it is the father who has abandoned his 2 children and set up a new life elsewhere. 24 days per annum was doable but now it will not - for all the reasons CW stated.

The first 2 DCS do not have a father they have a sorry excuse for a father who does not have a clue how to be a father.

I would predict in the next year he sees even less than the pathetic amount of time he already does. So sad for the DCs - wonder how long it will take for them to meet their sibling?

The father in this has really pissed me off - not OP - he really is a sorry excuse for a father.

Wow, lot of bile here.

I think it's a bit simplistic to say "he moved away", it sounds like their living arrangements were very up in the air during their already rocky relationship, and some unwise decisions were made by them both. Sadly, this sort of thing often happens when people who come from very different ends of the country split up, it's what would happen to me and my DP. Life is not always as simple as people on MN like to think, finances often dictate a lot of decisions. You don't know this person and you really don't know that he's the monster you're convinced he is.

But besides that, yes I agree it is really not OPs issue.

That's a huge and ridiculous leap from having a bit of flexibility following childbirth.

‘Flexibility’ is rather a generous word that implies give and take on both sides. I can imagine his ex doesn’t see the arrangement as so flexible for her.

I think it's a bit simplistic to say "he moved away", it sounds like their living arrangements were very up in the air during their already rocky relationship, and some unwise decisions were made by them both.

What unwise decisions does it sound like the children’s mother has made?!

@dontdisturbmenow

Ultimately you need to be selfish for a few days This is exactly why this forum is deemed so biased.

There are regular threads about mothers demanding dad's look after the kids for a few days out of normal contact and the response is that she's a cow to even dare asking.

But when it's SM who demands her OH cancel his visits for her, the response is that she has a right to be selfish!

He moved away from the family home at separation. Even if he needed some respite time, he should have looked for a job abs accommodation back to their town because his children should have gone first.

Instead, he was happy to stay 350 mike's away seeing them once a month, never (or not often?) at his home.

The reality is that it's going to be even more of an issue. Even if mum is sympathetic and agrees to by pass a month or change the weekend, it will still be much harder to visit from then on.

You'll have to accept that once a month you are on your own with baby as he travels on his own. Or travel with a small baby which will be stressful or travel with them and put them through a tough journey and you can expect tired grumpy kids.

It is the way it is and something that will have to be accepted or face him seeing his girls and less to the point they won't care to see him at all because it won't be worth the trouble and they have learnt not to miss him.

I think this whole post is really unfair.

First of all, I genuinely don't think anyone (even us evil stepmothers!) would say a separated mother was out of order for asking a father to look after the children when she was due to give birth! I think everyone would say that's the right thing to do.

Secondly, I think it's unfair to blame OP's DP for the distance in this scenario. They moved a significant distance to be near ex's family and split up shortly afterwards - is he really expected to stay that far away from his own family and support network? My DP's ex also moved away to be near her own family following the split - why would she want to stay somewhere where she has no support except her ex? They make it work.

I personally think the exes should be meeting halfway to hand over the children. It makes it so much harder - including for the children - when one parent insists the other do such a long journey. If mum would meet dad halfway then he would likely be able to bring the children to his home more often!

Exactly @aSofaNearYou

My impression was that the original move 350 miles away was for the benefit of being closer to Mum's family when SC1 was 1. In the event of a relationship breakdown in this instance, I don't find it particularly surprising that Dad moved back to his original area where his own parents live, for financial reasons. We don't know the circumstances of their split - but I know for example that when my DP was turfed out of the family home following exW's affair, he simply couldn't afford at that point to live by himself (long story involving being financially screwed over by her too to the tune of thousands). He was also still voluntarily paying off some of her debts (hers - not joint, he had no part in taking them out), to ensure she didn't lose the house over the kids' heads. So for lots of reasons, he was financially out of pocket himself and made the best decision he could.

Obviously we don't know why Dad made the decision to move back with parents following the split in the OP's case, but my point is - you just never know the full circumstances, and so saying "he's a dick, he moved away from / abandoned his kids", is a little harsh I feel.

Missing the point slightly but how is 350 miles away only a 3.5 - 4hr journey?

London to Carlisle is 315 miles and would take around 5.5 hrs non stop!

You'd have to drive consistently at around 90mph to achieve 350 miles in under 4 hours.

What unwise decisions does it sound like the children’s mother has made?!

Well, having a second child in an already strained relationship, mainly. Not that that's the point at all or something to condemn either of them for, all I meant was from OPs description they moved away from the area he is now in together when their relationship was already rocky, and then split in a very short time frame. He couldn't afford to live there alone. It's not as simple or textbook as cases where they had long since lived there and established that area as "home", and he just decided to move away.

My partner is very understanding to be honest and wants to make sure I'm okay before we make arrangements im the one that like to have a plan. I also think he's slightly avoiding the topic due to a co-parenting rocky relationship with the DM.

Easter holidays is around the time I am due. I could be late but who knows. And we don't have the ability to drop them back id I do have the baby within that time.

We have them at our home on holidays too. They share a room here. But will have to change arrangements when we need a nursery.

If they met halfway then the mother’s weekends ‘off’ would involve a 350 mile round trip, and the same amount of travelling time for the children as they have now.

@bogoffmda

I think Coronawireless has hit it right.

This is not OPs issue - it is the father who has abandoned his 2 children and set up a new life elsewhere. 24 days per annum was doable but now it will not - for all the reasons CW stated.

The first 2 DCS do not have a father they have a sorry excuse for a father who does not have a clue how to be a father.

I would predict in the next year he sees even less than the pathetic amount of time he already does. So sad for the DCs - wonder how long it will take for them to meet their sibling?

The father in this has really pissed me off - not OP - he really is a sorry excuse for a father.

Maybe he would/could see them more if their mum would meet him halfway with the travel?

As I said above, my DP and his ex meet halfway (distance is not as far as 350 miles) as it just wouldn't be workable in any other way. My DP couldn't get all the way to them and back home again at a reasonable time for two young children to have dinner, be in bed etc.

One of my friend has a partner who moved with his ex from Liverpool to London. They split up and she moved back to Liverpool - they now meet in Birmingham to hand over their son. It takes about 1.5 hours for each of them to get there but means that their son gets his time with both parents.

@MiddleParking

That's a huge and ridiculous leap from having a bit of flexibility following childbirth.

‘Flexibility’ is rather a generous word that implies give and take on both sides. I can imagine his ex doesn’t see the arrangement as so flexible for her.

I don't really understand your point here. I was referring to being flexible around how soon they can pick them up after OP gives birth, which in my opinion is both unavoidable and necessary. I was saying this does not naturally lead on to a series of less valid excuses not to see them later on.

@Userwoman1990

My partner is very understanding to be honest and wants to make sure I'm okay before we make arrangements im the one that like to have a plan. I also think he's slightly avoiding the topic due to a co-parenting rocky relationship with the DM.

Easter holidays is around the time I am due. I could be late but who knows. And we don't have the ability to drop them back id I do have the baby within that time.

We have them at our home on holidays too. They share a room here. But will have to change arrangements when we need a nursery.

@Userwoman1990 I think you probably do need to accept that you will be alone/need to make other arrangements to have company while your OH goes and picks his daughters up.

That said, if your DP is flexible with when he sees them then I'm sure he will arrange that it's at least a couple of weeks after you've had your baby. If he only has them once a month then you'd be pretty unlucky if it was sooner anyway.

Re your comment about the room above - if they already share a room what more can you do, despite needing a nursery? Unless you want them never to come to yours and your DP to stay in a hotel with them, chances are they will still need to share that room when they come. Even if they are also sharing with your baby.

One of my friend has a partner who moved with his ex from Liverpool to London. They split up and she moved back to Liverpool - they now meet in Birmingham to hand over their son. It takes about 1.5 hours for each of them to get there but means that their son gets his time with both parents.

I relocated 130 miles from my DD's dad when she was 4 (with his full blessing and support at the time) due to financial and career reasons. We have met at the halfway point all of her life pretty much to do the "handover" (around 1hr 15 mins travel for each of us). I appreciate this is a far lesser distance than the OP's scenario though!

@LucieStar

Exactly *@aSofaNearYou*

My impression was that the original move 350 miles away was for the benefit of being closer to Mum's family when SC1 was 1. In the event of a relationship breakdown in this instance, I don't find it particularly surprising that Dad moved back to his original area where his own parents live, for financial reasons. We don't know the circumstances of their split - but I know for example that when my DP was turfed out of the family home following exW's affair, he simply couldn't afford at that point to live by himself (long story involving being financially screwed over by her too to the tune of thousands). He was also still voluntarily paying off some of her debts (hers - not joint, he had no part in taking them out), to ensure she didn't lose the house over the kids' heads. So for lots of reasons, he was financially out of pocket himself and made the best decision he could.

Obviously we don't know why Dad made the decision to move back with parents following the split in the OP's case, but my point is - you just never know the full circumstances, and so saying "he's a dick, he moved away from / abandoned his kids", is a little harsh I feel.

I agree. We live an hour away from my step son, and this is largely because my DP had to do what he could afford when he left with nothing. We don't know where the respective homes are, but say if the ex lived in London, it may be the case that he still can't afford to live close by and provide a large enough home for them to this day, or that this would never be practical.

There are so many potential circumstances and no reason to immediately leap to him being a complete dick.

@Userwoman1990 what arrangements need to be made with the rooms?

What plan would you like to have in place? What’s your ideal?

I ask because it’s all a bit vague and I do agree that it’s better to have a plan in place.

We live an hour away from my step son, and this is largely because my DP had to do what he could afford when he left with nothing

I completely get this. Some men do leave with "nothing", usually the ones that aren't complete arseholes as they want to ensure their kids' mother and their family home isn't financially compromised. My DP saw it this way - despite what exW had done. He didn't want them to suffer. Had his mother lived 350 miles away, he'd have had to go there or be homeless / sofa surfing.

Pregnancy brain its 368 miles to be exact round trip

Heartwarming to note that the financial limitations stopping these men living near their kids hasn’t been any barrier to them having more.

OP what support do you have for yourself, locally, other than DP? Sorry if you've answered and I missed it. Do you have family / friends nearby etc who could help at least in those early days while DP collects the kids?

[quote OhCaptain]@Userwoman1990 what arrangements need to be made with the rooms?

What plan would you like to have in place? What’s your ideal?

I ask because it’s all a bit vague and I do agree that it’s better to have a plan in place.[/quote]
We have three bedrooms
One double room and another smaller.
Baby will be with us initially anyway for 6months -1year.

I would like them to have the bigger room because of all their clothes toys etc.

But I also know that's not fair on step children having a smaller room and sharing. However ,they do only stay once a month maximum and holidays.

What will probably happen is baby gets small room and the bigger room remains theirs / some storage space and guest room.

That seems the most practical.

The distance does make seeing the kids very hard. I have a calender and I'm very organised. So is my partner. DM is not so much and will just be very adhoc. I was wondering opinions if its fair for DM to bring the kids half way. I agree doing this long term ,staying in hotels etc isn't realistic .

Or for this special occasion is it fair to ask DM to bring the kids half way so they can meet their new sibling ?

No, it’s not fair to ask her to bring them halfway every time. He could ask her to do it this once, as long as he’s prepared to graciously accept a ‘no’.

You can ask if she will bring the kids this one time, but she isn’t obligated.

In the long run, I would really look at moving closer to his children. This problem is going to persist.

@Userwoman1990 thanks for explaining!

The room thing isn’t immediately a problem, I don’t think. Babies don’t need big rooms. Hopefully when your little one is older you’ll be in a position to extend or move if you need to.

You can only ask their mum if she’ll be willing to meet halfway. Sooner rather than later so you’ll know and can plan accordingly. If she says no, you can at least plan your options.

Long term it’s not a solution though. She can do it as a once off if she wants but I wouldn’t expect it all the time!

So either you and little one never see the children or they make the massive trip for one overnight. That’s quite shit but it is what it is!

What will probably happen is baby gets small room and the bigger room remains theirs / some storage space and guest room
On a side note, that is madness.
If the baby had the bigger room then their stuff wouldn’t end up in the other room.

I’d do up the smaller room to be really nice for them and just “theirs” rather than muddy the waters. The house needs to suit the people who actually live in it above all others.