Anxiety over new baby ( due very soon) and DSDD arrangements

[Userwoman1990]

I hope I don't regret this.

I am having my first Baby next month and my Partner and I are very excited. He has two DD's who are 7 and 5. I have a good relationship with them both and even as far as one of them following me around and saying we are best friends . They live 350 miles away and so we see them monthly. Their OP won't drive half way and so its a full day of driving to collect and then drop off on a weekend. I'm just super anxious as to what to do when the baby is here.

I'll be honest and would like a little time to get used to the baby and my partner has some paternity. And then have face times with his DD's . I'm just at a loss about collecting them so they can see their new sibling. Its 3.5-4hrs one way. I am already feeling quite needy with my partner he'd be gone two days traveling. Is it reasonable to ask for some help with meeting half way from the OP?

@MiddleParking

No, it’s not fair to ask her to bring them halfway every time. He could ask her to do it this once, as long as he’s prepared to graciously accept a ‘no’.

I disagree, I think it is fair to ask her to come halfway each time. It benefits the children for both parents to make it possible for them to see their dad.

As I said up thread, my DP's ex moved away (only a slightly shorter distance than OP's scenario if the round trip is 368 miles) and he has never once questioned meeting her halfway. He does this every single time he collects the children and every time he takes them back.

If they didn't do this then there is no way he would ever be able to have his children at his home, as even with rearranging his working hours to accommodate pick up he wouldn't be back home with them until past 10 at night. He would have no choice but to stay at a hotel with them and the cost would likely prohibit more than once a month.

He is in the same situation as the father here, in that his ex has moved to be near her family, away from where they used to live together which is where they are both from, so he obviously is not going to leave his job, family and friends behind to follow her up there.

*I think it is fair to ask her to come halfway each time. It benefits the children for both parents to make it possible for them to see their dad.

As I said up thread, my DP's ex moved away (only a slightly shorter distance than OP's scenario if the round trip is 368 miles) and he has never once questioned meeting her halfway. He does this every single time he collects the children and every time he takes them back.*

Same - I was the one who moved away after our split and DD's ex has never questioned the half way meeting thing. He does it because he wants to see her and knows that relationship is important to her.

I get you are anxious but please try to relax, you will be fine. To be honest a week or so in your might be glad if a day to just relax at home with your new baby on your own. Until recently there was no paternity leave so I was left after 48 hours with a newborn and toddler, no family support (6000 miles away) for 10+ hours and it was fine. It's really important to integrate the dsc ASAP into family life to avoid future issues, they are equally important to your dh. If their other parent is willing to drive half way even if that means offering petrol then obviously go for it but assume that won't be happening to avoid disappointment. The good news is at those ages they are likely to be very interested in their sibling and can "help" by fetching things etc.

Bold fail!

I was the one who moved away after our split and DD's ex has never questioned the half way meeting thing.

Oh my goodness pregnancy brain is real!!

DD's DAD has never questioned it. Not her ex. 🙈😂

oh boy, the step mum double standards on this thread....

the PWC bashing that goes on when a mum even suggests moving away from the ex for support/financial reasons and here we have post after post of women trying to justify a similar move by a RP. Unbelievable.

@LucieStar

I was the one who moved away after our split and DD's ex has never questioned the half way meeting thing.

Oh my goodness pregnancy brain is real!!

DD's DAD has never questioned it. Not her ex. 🙈😂

LOL dw, I knew what you meant!

I was the one who moved away after our split and DD's ex has never questioned the half way meeting thing. He does it because he wants to see her and knows that relationship is important to her.

I guess the difference in our scenarios is that the dads have more motivation to go halfway otherwise they may not get to see their kids, whereas the mum in OP's scenario has the children with her so may not be bothered how often they see their dad.

*I disagree, I think it is fair to ask her to come halfway each time. It benefits the children for both parents to make it possible for them to see their dad.

As I said up thread, my DP's ex moved away (only a slightly shorter distance than OP's scenario if the round trip is 368 miles) and he has never once questioned meeting her halfway. He does this every single time he collects the children and every time he takes them back.*

I assume your DP is the NRP? In which case that isn’t analogous. In this scenario the NRP has moved away from his children and sees them once a month. The RP is responsible for them all the rest of the time. The only concession the dad is making in this scenario is doing the journey. If they met halfway, OP’s partner would have 29-ish days a month including at least three weekends where he wouldn’t have the children, and he’d be asking her to do a 368 mile round trip on her one weekend off. Not even remotely reasonable.

Ps staying with a small baby in a hotel is a doddle - we first took dd1 away at 11 days (to see in laws) which meant 250 miles in the car and 3 nights in a hotel, with dd2 we took both DD's skiing and my parents it childcare (yes a bit crazy) when dd2 was 4 weeks old. (We drove move as the mountains were 3 hours away, not U.K.). I know I'm not typical of most the posters but I truly believe that unless there's medical complications, you just get on with life - it's why I didn't want pain relief even, I wanted to be in control. My kids are adults now, but pretty sure childbirth hasn't fundamentally changed

@EnoughnowIthink

oh boy, the step mum double standards on this thread....

the PWC bashing that goes on when a mum even suggests moving away from the ex for support/financial reasons and here we have post after post of women trying to justify a similar move by a RP. Unbelievable.

This is not true!!

The reason mums get grief for wanting to move away so far is because they are taking their kids with them and the dad sees them regularly currently, in a way that wouldn't be possible if this move happened. In this case, the dad hasn't taken the kids away from their mum to move away??

Personally I just think everyone should be able to live wherever they want but both parents should make the effort to allow the children to see the other.

@minniemoocher
The business of birthing hasn’t changed but now we know it’s dangerous to have a new baby slumped in a car seat for hours. And we also have paternity leave because it was recognised that many new mums actually do need support in the immediate aftermath of childbirth.
Me, I was fresh as a daisy, easy birth, everything pinged back into place, didn’t miss a beat, baby fed and slept like a dream.
Just because that’s how it went down for me doesn’t mean I’m blind to challenges others can and do face with alarming regularity.

The reason mums get grief for wanting to move away so far is because they are taking their kids with them and the dad sees them regularly currently, in a way that wouldn't be possible if this move happened. In this case, the dad hasn't taken the kids away from their mum to move away??

No, but he’s taken himself away from his kids in a way that means he can’t see them regularly

@MiddleParking

*I disagree, I think it is fair to ask her to come halfway each time. It benefits the children for both parents to make it possible for them to see their dad.

As I said up thread, my DP's ex moved away (only a slightly shorter distance than OP's scenario if the round trip is 368 miles) and he has never once questioned meeting her halfway. He does this every single time he collects the children and every time he takes them back.*

I assume your DP is the NRP? In which case that isn’t analogous. In this scenario the NRP has moved away from his children and sees them once a month. The RP is responsible for them all the rest of the time. The only concession the dad is making in this scenario is doing the journey. If they met halfway, OP’s partner would have 29-ish days a month including at least three weekends where he wouldn’t have the children, and he’d be asking her to do a 368 mile round trip on her one weekend off. Not even remotely reasonable.

I don't see how it's not analogous...my DP would probably also only be able to see his children once a month if it depended on him having to pay for a hotel with them. But luckily he and his ex are cooperative with each other and they meet halfway, which does allow him to bring them back. Which allows him to have them every other weekend, therefore giving their mum free time too.

Obviously we don't know how OP's DP feels about this - maybe he's fine with only having them once a month.

My main point is that everybody loses out when parents don't cooperate. Children get less time with their dad (and soon to be new sibling), dad gets less time with his kids, and mum gets no time to herself.

@Bibidy

Very good point.

However, in my case, I've never refused to meet him halfway because I understand the importance of her maintaining that relationship with her Dad - so I've put her needs at the front of my mind if that makes sense. I mean, she's 14 now and makes her own choices about when she wants to be to-ing and fro-ing between houses. So she just decides now and her Dad and I facilitate whatever she asks for pretty much.

@MiddleParking

The reason mums get grief for wanting to move away so far is because they are taking their kids with them and the dad sees them regularly currently, in a way that wouldn't be possible if this move happened. In this case, the dad hasn't taken the kids away from their mum to move away??

No, but he’s taken himself away from his kids in a way that means he can’t see them regularly

I agree with that, but my main gripe on those other threads are when one parent wants to move and take the children from the other. If one wants to walk away then that's another story.

That said though, I do think a lot of NRPs are left in difficult situations following a split. My DP had no choice but to move in with this parents after he split from his ex - he literally could not have afforded any alternative, except I guess a room in a house share which wouldn't have been a suitable environment to house 2 young children regularly. As someone else said above, if his parents had lived 300 miles away then that would still have been his only option, unless his ex was willing for him to see the children at her home every time.

I'm nearly 70, I've got an elderly relative in a care home 180 miles away. I often visit doing a day trip, occasionally have a night in a hotel if I'm planning on meeting up with old friends in the area. But a 360 mile round trip is doable and it doesn't take all day.

My main point is that everybody loses out when parents don't cooperate. Children get less time with their dad (and soon to be new sibling), dad gets less time with his kids, and mum gets no time to herself.

It’s great that your DP is so accommodating of his ex’s choice to move away in order to maximise his time with his kids, but it’s quite different from what’s being discussed here. Which is a dad who’s chosen to move very far away from his kids, supposedly for financial reasons even though he can now afford a whole new kid, hardly sees them as a result, and people are suggesting the person who actually does all the parenting should make yet another concession that would mean she literally never gets a weekend to herself.

The reason mums get grief for wanting to move away so far is because they are taking their kids with them and the dad sees them regularly currently, in a way that wouldn't be possible if this move happened. In this case, the dad hasn't taken the kids away from their mum to move away??

Erm...he's moved himself into the very convenient position of not actually having to parent his children. No support whatsoever to his ex when it comes to managing work and illness, appointments etc. etc. etc.

It's the same thing as the ex having moved away with the children. If one is unacceptable then so is the other.

That said though, I do think a lot of NRPs are left in difficult situations following a split. My DP had no choice but to move in with this parents after he split from his ex - he literally could not have afforded any alternative, except I guess a room in a house share which wouldn't have been a suitable environment to house 2 young children regularly. As someone else said above, if his parents had lived 300 miles away then that would still have been his only option, unless his ex was willing for him to see the children at her home every time.

Again, though, not really relevant to this thread where the guy’s resources have allowed for another child.

You are being needy but you know this. Plenty of people raise kids alone, you are talking about 2 days a month.

I could afford several more children but not to move to many more expensive parts of the country. That’s how it goes 🤷‍♀️
Plus, he’s paying for this new baby along with OP. Bit different from setting up home as a single man in a more expensive place where he’d be expected to have a house big enough for the kids etc etc but he wouldn’t be receiving maintenance or CB to help fund it.
There’s a lot of moving parts.

I don't think anyone should think badly of the mum if she doesn't agree to meet half way. She is a sole parent, it can't be considered co-parenting when one person does 12 nights a year plus a bit of holiday time.

She is the one bringing up her children, he isn't an active parent with that much input. From her perspective it's probably odd that he's decided to have more children when he isn't raising his first.

With how little contact he has he's probably not a major factor in her child care plans and the odds aren't that huge that the baby will arrive when he is with them for his single night anyway.

@Youseethethingis

I could afford several more children but not to move to many more expensive parts of the country. That’s how it goes 🤷‍♀️ Plus, he’s paying for this new baby along with OP. Bit different from setting up home as a single man in a more expensive place where he’d be expected to have a house big enough for the kids etc etc but he wouldn’t be receiving maintenance or CB to help fund it. There’s a lot of moving parts.

This. Being able to afford another child and being able to provide a suitable living space to be close to his existing children are not always either/or. They aren't always equitable, it's a very simplistic outlook to say they are.

@lunar1

I don't think anyone should think badly of the mum if she doesn't agree to meet half way. She is a sole parent, it can't be considered co-parenting when one person does 12 nights a year plus a bit of holiday time.

She is the one bringing up her children, he isn't an active parent with that much input. From her perspective it's probably odd that he's decided to have more children when he isn't raising his first.

With how little contact he has he's probably not a major factor in her child care plans and the odds aren't that huge that the baby will arrive when he is with them for his single night anyway.

I wouldn't think badly of the mum for saying no to making the journey at all, but at the same time I wouldn't think badly of the dad and SM for not being able to facilitate the journey straight away.

I still don’t understand why this man can’t do the usual trip and spend the usual amount of time with his children? Unless OP is very unwell after the north, it’s hardly going to be a challenge to be alone for a day.