DP’s Ex demanding I do childcare

[SpongebobNoPants]

DP and his ex have an EOW arrangement with SCs, and SCs come for dinner a couple of times a week too but don’t stay over.

DP’s job has always involved some night shift work and he has to do it generally in 3 month chunks twice a year, so he does nights for 6 months of the year. It has been like this for the last 20 years or so and far predates his prior relationship with his ex and obviously was the case before he met me.

When he does night shifts they are full nights from Monday - Friday, which means he sleeps until Saturday afternoon and his weekend is essentially Saturday afternoon until Monday afternoon.

DP did the first 3 month night shift stint from October and it was the first time he had worked nights since we had moved in together. I naively agreed to look after his kids on the Friday nights he was working when it was his contact weekend with SCs.

The reason being is he was told he was going on nights with very short notice and I said it wasn’t really fair to spring it on his ex when she might have made plans for those Fridays in the run up to Christmas and I know how annoying it is when my own ex chops and changes contact arrangements because of changing shift patterns.

So I covered every Friday - Saturday afternoon on our weekend with SCs to be helpful and make everyone’s lives easier... except of course my own.

DP is going back on nights in March and I’ve told him I’m not willing to do it this time. His ex is incredibly hostile towards me and the facts are that no one benefits from me babysitting the kids except her.

DP doesn’t benefit from it.
My SCs don’t benefit from it as their dad isn’t here
I don’t benefit from it and actually find it a bit much.
My kids don’t benefit from it.

The only person who benefits from it is his ex so I’m unwilling to give up my free time so she can have free time.

I work full time in a very pressured job and have been homeschooling 2 primary aged children through lockdown. DP’s ex doesn’t work and the kids are in secondary school so I definitely have it harder in that sense.

DP spoke to his ex and said about the nightshifts starting again and said he would be able to have SCs from when he wakes up on the Saturday, keep them the remainder of the weekend, take them to school on the Monday and also pick them up from school and have dinner with them before dropping them home on his way to work around 6pm on the Monday evening.
That way he still has them 2 nights, they’re spending time with their dad which is what the contact is actually for and I also get every Friday to spend alone with my own children and relax after a long working week.

Before we lived together this was the arrangement when he worked nights.

His ex has hit the roof saying “Why can’t spongebob have them like before?”. DP said because she’s working all week and I’m not here to spend time with them.

I’ve since had awful messages from her (she’s blocked now) calling me selfish, saying she needs a break etc. I responded only to say that I also need a break, I am not their parent and it’s up to DP and her to sort it out between themselves. I’m not a free on demand babysitter and I’m unwilling to do favours for someone who is rude, abuse and outwardly hostile towards me. She will literally ignore me if I say hello to her.

Well she’s like a dog with a bone. Now the kids are saying “mum says you’re being out of order. It’s not fair on her”.

Am I being unreasonable here? The suggested arrangement whilst DP works nights has stood in place for the last 10 years since they split apart from the most recent stint where I covered it.

The kids will be back at school when the nightshifts start which means ex will have a minimum of 30 hours a week of free time. I’ll be working full time, juggling childcare pick ups etc for my own 2 children.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to say I’m not giving up my free time to give her more free time.

[Berthatydfil]

Would she March round to the neighbours or some other unrelated person to demand they baby sat her children? Ask the dc if this is reasonable ?
Of course not - the only reason she/ they feel entitled to do this is that you are in a relationship with their father. You aren’t related and (Hypothetically) you could split up tomorrow and would never see them again.

[EL8888]

A break from what?! She doesn’t appear to do anything! Is she getting CSM? Does she realise she won’t get that forever? Maybe she needs to put on her big girl pants and be more independent

[Youllbeoldertoo]

This is absolute madness, of course yanbu! Contact time is to be used to see the parent, which you are not. Block, ignore, repeat. How can DSC say straight faced “how dare you say no to my mum” I’d fall of my seat laughing.

[SpongebobNoPants]

@Snowymcsnowsony funny you’ve suggested that because during one her tirades DP suggested he take up a lower paid role so he could go 50/50 with the kids and she hit the roof.
“You can’t reduce CMS I need it!”
“You’re not taking my kids away from me!”
Which was bizarre considering she constantly moans about needing a break.

She wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to not work, DP to pay for everything and to be on demand for anything else she needs.

We’re supposed to have the kids EOW but in reality it’s most weekends... 3 out of 4 for the 12 year old anyway.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@SpongebobNoPants
Why does she not work?

[SpongebobNoPants]

@Youllbeoldertoo she used to work part time then about 3 years ago the company she worked for moved to the next city over (not far, 20 miles away... I work in this city). She took voluntary redundancy and has chosen not to work for the last 3 years. I’m assuming her exDP was supporting her but they’ve been split a while now and she’s showed no desire to get a job

[katy1213]

You need to tell your impertinent stepchildren to butt out.

[RandomMess]

Every time the DSC say/imply something I would be asking them "so you want to be here at this house when your Dad isn't here rather than when your Dad is here have I got that right?"

[FallingStar21]

Mum is 100% CF of the highest order! Who on earth pulls this kind of crap?
You dont even owe her any explanations at all.

I get the feeling you've already spent an incredible amount of your emotional energy on this, justifying yourself and worrying about other (v v selfish) people. Dont do this to yourself anymore. From now on, DP deals exclusively with ex, you dont even answer the door when she comes to drop off/collect SC. Zero contact.

Re: SCs behaviour, DP sits them down for a serious conversation, HE explains the situation properly to them and HE tells them to stop harassing you/subject closed and not their business to get involved.

[Branleuse]

@UhtredRagnarson

I can see from other threads there are some inconsistencies with the facts so I’m not convinced we are being given an accurate representation of the situation. The overwhelming vibe though is that this will never be a happy situation for you OP.

what on earth is your problem. Noone owes you the 100% full story of any personal details fgs. Sometimes people change the odd detail to avoid outing or for whatever reason. There is plenty information in this thread alone to be able to advise OP that she is not obliged to do this.

[LouJ85]

@Courtney555

She means, "I need a break and you can be my free childcare"

I have zero sympathy for the ExW who doesn't work and "needs" a break. She can hire her own babysitter if she wants one. You are under zero obligation to be her free babysitter. CF. Especially when she's been historically so unpleasant.

Explain that the same arrangement for 11yrs will remain and if she needs a break so badly on Fridays when they are not due to be with their father, there are many local babysitters she can utilise.

This!!

God she sounds so much like my DP's exW - we've had the "well can't Lou do it then?!" demands as well. In relation not only to finances but also ad hoc childcare demands

She doesn't even have my number - no way I'd let her have it. These demands are all via DP.

You are 100% more than reasonable, especially given the way she's spoken about you. Put it this way - you've already been much more accommodating than I would have been.

The arrangement pre dates your relationship with DP by a country mile - she sees you as nothing other than convenient free childcare and (like my DP's ex), she clearly doesn't care whether the kids benefit from contact time with their dad or not - it's just somewhere to send them.

Sad, all round.

[SpongebobNoPants]

What inconsistencies? I occasionally change minor details in case I know anyone on here

[Happymum12345]

Why can’t you look after them? I’ve probably missed the point somewhere. I thought when you are with someone who has children you know what you’re taking on. It doesn’t seem worth being in a relay if you can’t support you partners children.

[LouJ85]

So essentially because she's an ex wife she can't just be a lazy bitch, she must have something mentally wrong with her. I see.

nope, can't possibly be lazy and entitled as an exW you know. Not at all.

[SpongebobNoPants]

@Happymum12345 please go through and read my posts. I don’t want to.
It benefits no one but his rx

[LouJ85]

Would she March round to the neighbours or some other unrelated person to demand they baby sat her children?

My DP's ex would 😂
Well maybe not the neighbours, but she's certainly dumped them on my DP's mother's doorstep in this manner before now.

[LouJ85]

@katy1213

You need to tell your impertinent stepchildren to butt out.

And this.
I'd be nipping that right in the bud (well I wouldn't have to, DP would do it).

[EL8888]

@Happymum12345 aaah the ex wife in OP has arrived

[LouJ85]

Why can’t you look after them? I’ve probably missed the point somewhere. I thought when you are with someone who has children you know what you’re taking on.

Yes, you do. You know that what you are taking on is a man who has children to another woman. You know that this means some of his time will be dedicated to the care and upbringing of those children. You know it means that he still has financial obligations to those children. You know it means that if you ever have children of your own with him, they already have half siblings. What you don't expect and should not be expected to take on, is any of the financial or caring responsibilities yourself unless you want to and everyone is happy with that set up, including step-parent.

[MessAllOver]

But it's a bit odd, isn't it?

Neither of these children really needs childcare at 12 and 16. So the OP isn't being asked to provide childcare. She's being asked if they can hang around her/their dad's house when their dad isn't there rather than hanging around their mum's house with their mum. Given they come to visit their dad and not the OP, it's very strange.

I have a 3yo so no breaks here for me except when his dad takes him out sometimes for a couple of hours. But I remember when we were that age and my mum had had enough of us, she simply said, "Right, there's food in the fridge, I'm having an early night with my book". And left us. Why can't the ex do the same? Why do the children need to be physically out of the house? Bizarre.

[TrustTheGeneGenie]

@Happymum12345

Why can’t you look after them? I’ve probably missed the point somewhere. I thought when you are with someone who has children you know what you’re taking on. It doesn’t seem worth being in a relay if you can’t support you partners children.

Ooooh because they're not her responsibility?

[lockdownalli]

YANBU

Stick to your guns.

[steppemum]

Just keep repeating - it is the same arrangement that you have had for 11 years to anyone who asks (except the ex who I would not communicate with)

[KnobblyWand]

Your DP needs to make it very clear that this is nothing to do with you, that he simply wants to spend time with his kids, which the contact agreement allows for.