Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

Her baby is precious, you’re right. I don’t know why people fly digs about a stepmum’s baby being precious. Is she not supposed to find her baby precious in case it offends the likes of you? Clearly it does.

Because she's just a silly little woman with her silly, pathetic firsts, naturally.

Saying that feelings are valid and understandable isn’t the same as saying it’s fine to carry on that way. Something has to change, for everyone’s sakes.
It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason, and denying that other things might be going on here other than OP simply being a wicked step mother is BS and over simplifying the situation.
Like I said, balance is key. If OP feels that at every turn she’s up against “oh but DSD blah blah blah” then she’s going to then move on to the next thing she would like to have the way she would like to have it.
In my case, I don’t have to try to force my way into my own relationship and family as an equal. I already am. DH has never treated me the way OPs DP does. It really doesn’t sound like OP has been afforded the same respect and now she’s gone head first down the rabbit hole all of a sudden she’s the only one at fault?
The only people not at fault here are the two kids and the ex, as far as I can see.

Mother’s Day isn’t what you dreamed it is in your head. Brace yourself for a rude awakening. X

Well said @Youseethethingis.

I presume you understand what precious means in this context and are being wilfully obtuse.

I understand where you're coming from OP. I definitely fall into the camp if wanting to do as little "mothering" as possible on mother's Day. That may not be everyone's wish, but mother's Day, and possibly my birthday (depends how busy OH is with work, at least Mother's Day is a Sunday), are the only days I can legitimately get a break from it and do what I want. So that means no making meals/snacks, no breaking up fights, no encouraging reluctant kids to go on yet another boring walk. My point is, my preference is to be pampered and to do as little domestic chores as possible, and with it being Mother's Day I think mothers are entitled to spend the day as they wish! If you want a chilled Mother's Day, without your DSD, I think asking your OH to recreate this on another day soon is the best plan. I don't think it's worth the aggro that would come with stopping your DSD's visit on Mother's Day, but I do think you should get a day of your own at some point soon.

In my case, I don’t have to try to force my way into my own relationship and family as an equal. I already am. DH has never treated me the way OPs DP does. It really doesn’t sound like OP has been afforded the same respect and now she’s gone head first down the rabbit hole all of a sudden she’s the only one at fault?

Absolutely. I haven't had to force my way into my own family as an equal either. If I had, I'd be feeling the same way as the OP no doubt.

with it being Mother's Day I think mothers are entitled to spend the day as they wish!

You'd think, wouldn't you?

it's mothers day for the dp's mother as well and she will probably be made up to be able to see both her grandchildren

I think that when a poster's threads are all on the same subject (I don't want dsd around for Christmas/sleep training/holidays/mothers day) then people are allowed to identify a running theme of 'you don't want this child around' without it being called bullying. personally I think anyone who idealises and romanticises scenarios and gets upset when they don't meet their expectations is going to run into problems sooner or later regardless of any external. of course sympathies are mainly going to lie with a five year old CHILD who hasn't done anything wrong except exist, when the site you're on is called MUMSnet.

@MadameButterface

I'd be interested in your views of the phrase "emotionally manipulative PND drivel", thrown at me by a particularly vitriolic (now banned) poster, when I dared to suggest that this might be affecting the OP also.

Is that not bullying, either, I assume?

Whatever your views, there are ways and means of expressing them without resorting to disgusting comments. This site - and particularly this board - is absolutely appallingly disgusting at times.

Goodness, some are really crucifing this step mum for being honest. She hasn't actually done anything that we know of yet to the detriment of the DSD. She's simply told us what she feels.

If mothers are allowed an off day / week/ month where emotions have taken over why can't a step mum experience the same. This is new mum with a baby.

To those that think blasting someone with their own bias helps , will only make the situation worse.

Sorry to say sometimes step mums don't like the deal they are in. It just sucks sometimes . Whether you signed up for that or not.Just like it can suck being a parent. Nothing wrong with showing empathy. We are all bloody human after all. And the DSD is non the wiser

Nothing wrong with showing empathy. We are all bloody human after all.

Well... some of us are.

I presume you understand what precious means in this context and are being wilfully obtuse.

I know what it means in this context thank you. It’s “PFB” territory isn’t it? I hate that being used on this site as a way to shut down and minimise people’s feelings.
When it’s fired at a stepmum it’s got an extra dimension to it though, because there definitely is an underlying resentment towards stepmums daring to enjoy their own children on their own without the dscs there from time to time.

I’ve seen it on this site many times.
“Why do you want new things for your precious baby when your dsc’s hand me downs are being offered to you? You clearly don’t like them very much do you?”
“You’re pushing your dsc out by having a day out just you and your precious child.”
“You’re ridiculous getting excited about your precious child walking. Who even does that? And then to add to that, you don’t praise your poor teenage dsc at the same time. They must feel like shit.”

Three bonkers examples I can think of that I’ve seen over the years that have used the “precious” dig.^^

I think that when a poster's threads are all on the same subject (I don't want dsd around for Christmas/sleep training/holidays/mothers day) then people are allowed to identify a running theme of 'you don't want this child around' without it being called bullying. personally I think anyone who idealises and romanticises scenarios and gets upset when they don't meet their expectations is going to run into problems sooner or later regardless of any external. of course sympathies are mainly going to lie with a five year old CHILD who hasn't done anything wrong except exist, when the site you're on is called MUMSnet.

Ah yes, well you'll forgive us for thinking MUMSnet would be a support for MUMS, rather than exclusively children.

There are two unhealthy running themes in OPs threads. One is her feelings about her SC, the other is her partner's extreme defensiveness. Both need addressing, but only one of them is actively malicious, and meanwhile OP says she treats her SD well despite her feelings.

Posters thinking the appropriate response is to throw the same insults at her as her DP are both woefully misguided as to what might actually help the situation, and showing very poor character.

Ah yes, well you'll forgive us for thinking MUMSnet would be a support for MUMS, rather than exclusively children.

And a startling number of people are so spectacularly short sighted, they don't realise that healthy mum (or step mum) equals healthy child. So if we support the parent, and we can help them to make positive change, by proxy, we can support the child, too!

But no - let's vilify the evil stepmum instead. That'll help everyone, won't it.

ah yes. "happy mum happy baby". netmums is over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

www.maternal-and-early-years.org.uk/topic/0-3-years/mental-health-and-wellbeing

www.who.int/topics/early-child-development/mentalhealth/en/

It's evidence based - see links.
No need to start laying into me.
I've had a fucking earful of that shit today, thanks.

People who are vilifying the op have still ignored the fact that most children will want to be with their mums on Mother’s Day. It’s not convenient to acknowledge that the stepchild and stepmum probably don’t want to spend the day together is it? And that it’s a very mutual feeling. They seem to think every child is desperate to be at dad’s on Mother’s Day and the stepmum is the big evil witch who is rejecting them.

Oh my goodness, the hysteria from some posters on this thread! Won't someone think of the poor children! Child abuse! This 5 year old is going to grow up completely damaged! Good job the witch trials no longer take place, you'd dunk every stepmum.

I'm a 'first wife' and can of course completely understand why any SM would want their first Mother's Day with their own child and partner. Not EVERYTHING is about the first born. I care little about Mother's Day now that I've done a few of them but I'm sure it was a coveted, special event when I had my first one. So what if you personally don't care much about Mother's Day? The OP does. It's one day. The DSD isn't her child. Get a grip. Call off the lynch mob.

Lou, I haven't laid into you or condoned anyone else doing so. I take massive exception to you jumping all over me as if I have just because I'm the latest poster to (politely) state that they think op and her unrealistic expectations are the problem here not the 5 year old child. Are you ok?

@anunexaminedlife

Totally agree. I'm an ex "first wife", step mum, and mother to a child who has a step mum.

I would 100% be absolutely fine with my DD's stepmum saying she wanted her first Mother's Day with her baby. My DD would stay with me and that would be the end of that - she's not being rejected or "sent away" from her dad's - she's just staying home with her mum. In fact, I'd be not fine with her being anywhere else on that day to be honest. It would have upset me to be apart from her.

Hysteria is the right word - totally out of all proportion.

People who are vilifying the op have still ignored the fact that most children will want to be with their mums on Mother’s Day.

we all want a lot of things but life gets in the way, the mum has to work. should she dose the kid up with laudanum or tie her to a table leg like the victorians had to?

@MadameButterface

Lou, I haven't laid into you or condoned anyone else doing so. I take massive exception to you jumping all over me as if I have just because I'm the latest poster to (politely) state that they think op and her unrealistic expectations are the problem here not the 5 year old child. Are you ok?

ah yes. "happy mum happy baby". netmums is over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Don't pretend that's not sarcastic passive aggressive bullshit.

Which I take exception to.

Bloody 'happy first wife or a miserable life' would be more apt