Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Nope, the stereotypes come from the minds of biased people incapable of looking at the situation as a whole and applying any degree of empathy

I have looked at the situation as a whole and my empathy is for the small child being pushed out, not for the selfish silly grown woman who is annoyed at her stepdaughter for having a wobbly tooth because she wants to do that the first time with her own child.

That's an actual quote from OP btw. You picked the wrong horse in your poor little picked on stepmothers campaign.

I'll decide for myself when I've picked the wrong horse, thankyou.

OP is in the wrong situation. She does not enjoy being a step parent and should not be. But I will never believe I am wrong to have empathy for someone who's partner's response to conflict or disagreement is to gaslight and call the other person evil. The affect that kind of behaviour can have on a person's MH and perspective, cannot be understated.

Anyone with an ounce of sense about them would understand that.

But I will never believe I am wrong to have empathy for someone who's partner's response to conflict or disagreement is to gaslight and call the other person evil. The affect that kind of behaviour can have on a person's MH and perspective, cannot be understated

Or, and just as likely, he has simply had enough of her constantly complaining about his child, trying to stop her coming, and her insane blaming of the child for her bizarre reactions? And he yelled at her that she is abusive and was correct?

You picked a side and a viewpoint on no evidence, and without logic.

*Or, and just as likely, he has simply had enough of her constantly complaining about his child, trying to stop her coming, and her insane blaming of the child for her bizarre reactions? And he yelled at her that she is abusive and was correct?

You picked a side and a viewpoint on no evidence, and without logic.*

Sadly, plenty of evidence on this site alone that a simple suggestion of taking their own child out for the day, outside of contact time, can be enough to cause some dad's to leap to accusations such as the ones he makes. You have absolutely no more evidence than I do to claim she was unreasonable about his child BEFORE he started his "extreme defensiveness". And he does not call her abusive, he calls her evil. The two are not the same. One can be used to call out genuinely unacceptable behaviour, the other is a hyperbolic insult designed to make the other person feel there is something inherently wrong with them. This is a well known tactic of abusive people.

Can I kindly suggest that you stop trying to tell me I have picked the wrong side and have no evidence? I have all the same evidence you do. You are not right just because you think you are smarter than everybody else.

@aSofaNearYou

*Thank Christ for that!!!

Being shamed for having PND is an absolute first for me.

I'm disgusted. (And reduced to tears by a stranger for the first time ever in my life).*

So sorry to hear that Lou.

There have been some truly disgusting attitudes on here that as you say, would never be shown to other postpartum women with a verbally abusive partner. It would be the same advice to sort herself out and protect the kids, but expressed with tact and empathy.

I simply cannot fathom the mindset of these people who truly believe that if there is a child involved, it is impossible to talk to a struggling adult with anything less than absolute contempt.

No, I can't fathom it either.
Utterly disgusting.

I'll bear this in mind when I have my own baby in a couple months time - that if I have any struggles at all related to my dual role as mum to new baby and stepmum - I certainly won't be coming anywhere near this forum for support.

[quote Youseethethingis]@EnoughnowIthink
Since the woman isn’t here to be distressed by it I think it would be better to focus on the person who has actually been attacked here, have started the thread looking for advice and support.[/quote]

I think this is lost on many!

Sadly, plenty of evidence on this site alone that a simple suggestion of taking their own child out for the day, outside of contact time, can be enough to cause some dad's to leap to accusations such as the ones he makes

That doesn't even make sense. There is NOT plenty of evidence that dads won't go for a walk with one child when they don;t have their other child with them.
You are getting more and more silly in your extremes to paint OP as some poor little woman. She is not the victim here, she is the problem.

You're not using any logic when looking at the evidence. You decided straight away what the situation was and are inventing things to fit.

I stand by my point: OP has serious issues, should not be a stepmother, and is causing problems for her SD, her DP, herself, and her precious baby.

@AtSwimTwoBerts
Say what you like, @aSofaNearYou is referencing actual threads on here. Disbelieve it all you like but its really not that much of a leap to suspect that similar things have been going on in OPs relationship that have triggered her feelings of resentment.

aSofaNearYou- her partner is probably pissed off that she is continually wanting to exclude his daughter, and maybe he is at the end of his tether with it all.

This really does not make him abusive!

*That doesn't even make sense. There is NOT plenty of evidence that dads won't go for a walk with one child when they don;t have their other child with them.
You are getting more and more silly in your extremes to paint OP as some poor little woman. She is not the victim here, she is the problem.

You're not using any logic when looking at the evidence. You decided straight away what the situation was and are inventing things to fit.

I stand by my point: OP has serious issues, should not be a stepmother, and is causing problems for her SD, her DP, herself, and her precious baby.*

You're getting really repetitive in your attempts to frame everyone else as stupid, here.

Yes, there have been many threads on here exactly like the description you described above. Extreme defensiveness around any perceived criticism and refusal to do anything outside of contact time with the SC come up regularly. No, it does not "make sense" but it is depressingly common.

I'm not inventing things to fit. What we know is that OPs partner gets angry, shouts, and uses words like evil when OP speaks about the situation. For that reason alone, she is a victim. I don't need any more evidence than that. That behaviour is unacceptable.

You are the person determined to impress upon someone whose partner treats her that way who has actively done nothing even half as deplorable, that "they are the problem", so you're hardly in a position to lecture anyone either.

@Crystalclair

aSofaNearYou- her partner is probably pissed off that she is continually wanting to exclude his daughter, and maybe he is at the end of his tether with it all.

This really does not make him abusive!

If you think his response is the appropriate way to respond to being "at the end of his tether", then that's on you. Calling someone evil as a go to response is abusive in almost all possible scenarios.

Funny how if OP is supposedly a monster who makes her feelings about her SD abundantly clear to her, and constantly nags her partner to stop seeing her (instead of say, mentioning that on a few specific occasions), there hasn't been any mention of why on Earth he has stayed and subjected his child to that.

It's almost as if there isn't really any evidence that OP has done anything wrong other than struggle with her feelings and become increasingly depressed by the situation.

The OP's partner is getting labelled as abusive for calling her evil? But what possible outcome do you think a man who has realised that his partner who initially adored his daughter, has now decided she doesn't want her around as new baby is more important. I mean seriously, I'm at a loss at what his response would be. Shes not saying shes struggling or needs help shes saying she doesn't want his daughter around .

Having been in an abusive relationship, and now in a wonderful relationship, I can still see nothing abusive about a man reaching the end of his tether over protecting his daughter.

Yes, there have been many threads on here exactly like the description you described above. Extreme defensiveness around any perceived criticism and refusal to do anything outside of contact time with the SC come up regularly.

I specifically recall the boat ride one. OP's DH wouldn't join her and their own toddler on a boat ride during a walk on a non contact weekend for SCs, citing the reason "I'd rather we do it when we can all do it together". A little toddler, being denied a little boat ride, because the older SCs would "miss out" (when they wouldn't even have know it had taken place). Madness.

Ok aSofaNearYou, poor OP. Her once adored dsc is now ruining her perfect little family unit now that golden child has come along. What a bastard her DSC mum is for working on mother's day. And how dare her partner not get rid of his daughter to pave way for their special little family time. After all, DSC was a mistake. Poor OP feelings are so much more worthy than the innocent little girl.

Silly me. I must be such a wicked person for not taking the OP's side.

OP herself knows those feelings aren’t healthy, that’s why she’s here!
The question is how she ended up feeling like this when she didn’t previously, what part her partner has played in this in his handling of having two children by two mothers, and what if anything OP can do to manage this better.
Telling her she’s a monster blah blah blah is so deeply unhelpful. Few if any posters have said she’s in the right to try to block contact etc including myself. That’s just what you’ve decided you’ve read @Crystalclair

I think the main problem with being with a partner with a child is balance and sometimes I don't feel there is and that's when the frustration comes up
Just though I’d revisit the OP.
Balance. That’s what she wants and needs. If her partner won’t work towards that then resentment creeps in and ends up directed at the wrong person ie. the 5 year old little girl.

OP herself knows those feelings aren’t healthy, that’s why she’s here!

Yes, but why are other people falling over themselves to tell her she's fine to feel that way and act accordingly?

Balance. That’s what she wants and needs. If her partner won’t work towards that then resentment creeps in and ends up directed at the wrong person ie. the 5 year old little girl

No, she doesn't want balance. Balance would be sharing some of babys endless firsts with his sister. OP wants sister to disappear from her family picture. That's not balance.

And there is no excuse for directing her resentment at a small child. Not ever.

^*I know who I am and I know I'm not a bad person at all, I do everything I need to for SD and as all women in our situation sacrifice a lot, constantly ... but we have a fine relationship, SD and I - she is none the wiser and I would never make her feel bad intentionally.

I am emotional about certain moments and my emotions have got much heightened since my baby was born.*^

Also this.
If this isn't a woman struggling with her emotions postnatally, as opposed to just "hating" her SC, I don't know what is.

Bold fail - why does it do that?!

@AtSwimTwoBerts

OP herself knows those feelings aren’t healthy, that’s why she’s here!

Yes, but why are other people falling over themselves to tell her she's fine to feel that way and act accordingly?

Not one bloody person has said that. Jesus wept.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Balance. That’s what she wants and needs. If her partner won’t work towards that then resentment creeps in and ends up directed at the wrong person ie. the 5 year old little girl

No, she doesn't want balance. Balance would be sharing some of babys endless firsts with his sister. OP wants sister to disappear from her family picture. That's not balance.

And there is no excuse for directing her resentment at a small child. Not ever.

Yes, and what he wants isn't balance either. In fact it's incredibly hard lined. Hence the vicious cycle. The obstinance on this thread is giving me a hernia.

@LouJ85

Bold fail - why does it do that?!

Happens to me all the time, so irritating!

I stand by my point: OP has serious issues, should not be a stepmother, and is causing problems for her SD, her DP, herself, and her precious baby.

Her baby is precious, you’re right. I don’t know why people fly digs about a stepmum’s baby being precious. Is she not supposed to find her baby precious in case it offends the likes of you? Clearly it does.

For the sake of her own mental health, I sincerely hope the OP does not return to this thread.