Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

yes I got a bit sarky with you after you jumped all over me making out I was condoning bullying/trivialising pnd /"vilifying evil step mums" and various other things I absolutely have not done, just because you're upset on a thread and lashing out in all directions.

I'm the one lashing out 😂
Righto

I've read through OP's previous post,to make sure my view was balanced and fair, as I am always happy to admit when I'm wrong.

But, no, I still stand by what I say.

Those saying her partner is being abusive then please read her other posts. Nothing suggests that the case. The only thing they argue about is his daughter. She also states that neither of them want to talk about their feelings as it causes an argument. So it seems he avoids trying to upset her best he can.

He sounds like a great dad who is trying to make sure his daughter feels included. They are both his children. Just like any of us with our children would want them all to feel included and equal.

I completely understand how she feels. It's quite normal. However she needs to ask for help rather than look for ways to exclude her DSC. I really dont blame her partner getting cross about that. When I had those initial feelings, my family and friends were great at listening but also put me right and made me see things from a different perspective. Holding my baby and imagining how I'd feel if they were one day deemed an inconvenience. That soon made me buck up.

Mother's day is irrelevant, as it's not just this one event that is OP's issue.

I am not anti stepmother - I'm one myself, and currently my DC are spending a couple of days with their wonderful SM who treats them with nothing but love and kindness and I'm forever grateful to her. I am anti enabling the behaviour of an adult that has a negative impact on a child.

people can read for themselves, and I'd say the 'hysteria' on this thread isn't only coming from one direction, except I don't really like using that word due to its misogynist roots, but sure, go all the way off.

Your first amazing MD will be when your DC recognise it as such with a home made card. Enjoy a day with your DSC

Oh come on. It's just Mother's Day. What are you expecting to happen? It's just a Sunday. The little girl is not your competition

@MadameButterface

it's mothers day for the dp's mother as well and she will probably be made up to be able to see both her grandchildren

I think that when a poster's threads are all on the same subject (I don't want dsd around for Christmas/sleep training/holidays/mothers day) then people are allowed to identify a running theme of 'you don't want this child around' without it being called bullying. personally I think anyone who idealises and romanticises scenarios and gets upset when they don't meet their expectations is going to run into problems sooner or later regardless of any external. of course sympathies are mainly going to lie with a five year old CHILD who hasn't done anything wrong except exist, when the site you're on is called MUMSnet.

Finally! Hundreds of posts until someone said what I was thinking!

Maybe DPs mother would like to spend Mother's Day with both of her grandchildren but no one seems to have paid any attention to the fact it's not going to be just the three of them anyway because MIL will be there!

*Finally! Hundreds of posts until someone said what I was thinking!

Maybe DPs mother would like to spend Mother's Day with both of her grandchildren but no one seems to have paid any attention to the fact it's not going to be just the three of them anyway because MIL will be there!*

And? It's mother's day, not grandmother's day.

It's a bit odd that this is the main direction your mind took given that next to nobody has even argued that not having the SD over is the correct course of action. Those defending OP have been talking about something wider than that.

runs in and hugs everyone

Ha wrong thread 😂😂

And? It's mother's day, not grandmother's day.

I did think this myself. What's it got to do with granny all of a sudden? 🙈

Those saying her partner is being abusive then please read her other posts. Nothing suggests that the case.

Except calling her "evil", of course.

So much nonsensical hyperbole about OP having Mothers' Day "taken away from her"

Nobody is taking anything away ffs. Mothers' Day will still happen, it will still be her "first" with her child, just with the child's older sibling present, as in millions of other families! DS2's "first" Mothers' Day, birthday, Christmas etc all happened with his older brother careering around beng excited and needing attention. It didn't spoil anything. Why on earth would it?

OP doesn't want this little girl around because she resents the fact that her DP had a previous relationship and was already a father when she met him. She says her DP didn't really love his daughter's mother, there wasn't a real relationship etc - but also makes reference to the DP being "lovey dovey" with her on their first Mothers' Day, which bothers her to the point where she cannot bear for the little girl to be there as a reminder. Clearly there was a relationship, and it can't be airbrushed out of history because of the inconvenient child it produced. It's jealousy that's eating OP, pure and simple, and it's childish and unworthy.

@Pebbledashery

runs in and hugs everyone

I think your hugs might be needed on here to be honest 😂

Hugs for everyone 😁😁

Ha perfectly timed gatecrashing there @Pebbledashery

I think some of the people who have posted on this thread know what it is like to be pushed out and abandoned by a parent who has remarried or committed to a new relationship. It is traumatic. So, I can understand why people are standing up for and giving a voice to the 5 year old daughter of Op’s Dp.

I also understand empathy for a mum who could be experiencing a postpartum illness and a desire to support her.

Be careful to support her in looking after herself and recovery and not supporting any possible delusions that she may have towards her step daughter that her step daughter is ruining all the firsts that she has with her first born son. (I’m not claiming that she has delusions). However, this belief that her first moments with her baby are being compromised by her Dp’s firstborn is not healthy.

I am going to speak up for this 5 yr old now. She has basic human rights under the Convention on the Rights of the Child. She has the right to a relationship with both her parents; she has the right to play; she has the right to not be discriminated against based on her parents actions; she has the right to be provided for. These are just a few of her rights. I don’t think The Universal Declaration of Human Rights covers things like special moments, firsts, Mother’s/Father’s Day etc (correct me if I’m wrong)

Op feelings are feelings and they can change. But, it’s not okay to act on them in a way that violates someone else’s basic human rights. Your step daughter has a right to a relationship with her father and siblings. And if that bothers you then you need to work on that.

Having expectations that are reasonable is fine but having expectations of other people who cannot or will not meet your expectations is not healthy.

Learn to let go.

You will have millions of first moments with your firstborn. Even all the other Mother’s Day will be firsts because your baby will be a different age and stage of development and will celebrate Mothers Day differently as they age.

I have just read through all of the comments...my goodness...all of my posts seem to have caused heightened debate and mixed opinions.

Nobody knows anyone's full stories on here, it's not possible to give them in full so I thank @LouJ85, @aSofaNearYou and others who can try and understand my feelings.

These forums are supposed to be for advice & support, I don't think anyone would express certain feelings that they know others will most likely destruct as 'evil' or 'selfish' if they weren't desperate. I have my moments and I don't know anyone in real life in a situation like mine so turned to forums to speak to other people who are with someone with children.

I do want to make it clear that my DP is wonderful in many, many ways, he does the best he can to keep everyone happy and I fully appreciate him, he is however, like a lot of men and doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions and he struggles when mine take over, he doesn't say the right thing but he usually shows me afterwards how much he cares. SD is going to her Mothers on MD as it's what they would both like.

SD is also with us most of the time, DP is the primary parent and our home is her main one so I don't just see her twice a month and never want her around!!! There are just certain days or moments in a LIFE TIME I am in my right to want it to just be us if it can be.
A 5yr old is none the wiser.

I shan't be posting on here again.

Bye op! I think I've seen your previous threads, now that I've seen the posts from pps on here. It's starting to ring a bell!

Good luck with it all. Guess we won't see you here again, which is a shame, but I understand why.

It's likely that all these things are true. The OP has some PND which is manifesting against her dsd, the DP is defensive and feels guilty that he's put his child in this situation, doesn't understand about PND, only sees that his child isn't wanted and is out of his depth. Neither has any intention of behaving badly but both are.

It doesn't change the fact that there's a 5 year old child here who hasn't done anything wrong, who was once seemingly loved by the OP but isn't now. That's heartbreaking. The OP has got to get professional help to put this right or leave the relationship. She can't go through life being insanely jealous of everything her do experienced before they met because it will ruin everyone's lives. The dad is also stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My advice to the OP is to contact her doctor or health visitor and try to get this resolved. It might help if everyone starts viewing this as a medical problem that needs treatment.
In the meantime it might be better if OP and her DP didn't live together and he has both children for contact without OP being present, do they can build a sibling relationship.

Cross posted with you OP. I'm sorry but I don't think you do have a right to want certain things to be just the 3 of you. You aren't a little family of 3, you are a family of 4 and where one child is included, so should the other be. Couple time is obviously different, since neither of the DC would be included.

I have a child who lives with me but who isn't mine. She came into my life as a teen and so I didn't raise her, but I cannot imagine not loving her. It's not the same as I feel about my own children, but it is still love and I wouldn't dream to excluding her from the things we do as a family. It's cruel, surely you must see that.

Actually, I agree MrsHunt. I also can now see both sides and, (I know this isn't considered good form, but since it has already been mentioned at length), I did look up OP's search history and there is a VERY strong theme emerging, which to me does seem a little unhealthy. The DP doesn't sound great either, but actually, I think abusive is a huge leap. He sounds frustrated and OP sounds fixated on negative emotions towards a very young child, which really isn't her fault per se, but it does need to be addresses...so I do see why he is struggling too! And I was 100% ready to see this as a DP problem to begin with and absolutely not a wicked stepmom scenario, which is an awful, misogynist trope.

Hope you get whatever RL help you need or want op, for all of your sakes :-/

Maybe you could go from 60/40 to 50/50, so you have slightly less time with the dsd.

I haven't read all 300+ results and no doubt I would have gotten highly irate if I had. Of course you're allowed to be pissed off. I would not be happy. Mother's day is the one day of the year where DSC are at their mother's for sure. Same as Fathers Day they're always with us. Of course you want a bit of attention on a day that's supposed to be about you. And of course a 5 year old will make the day about them whether they mean to or not, they're 5! So the question is, which may have been discussed on here, why does her mother not want her there? I would be asking DH to send a message along the lines of 'as it's mother's day, assuming you will want to see DSC so what time shall I drop her to you?'. Means you get some of the day hopefully being treated and some special time with your DC. Ignore anyone who criticizes you for not wanting that on your first mother's day (or any in the future for that matter!). They're talking rubbish x

Also OP I can send you the name of another forum where you'll get far more support and not this rubbish posted here! Let me know if you want it and I'll DM you.

I haven't read all 300+ results and no doubt I would have gotten highly irate if I had.

I haven't bothered to read the thread....or checked OP's search history, but based on my own prejudice, I've decided YOU ARE ALL WRONG. You sound sensible. Is the other site Reddit perchance?