Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

@Crystalclair

LouJ85- who the fuck is actually thinking about the poor child here! Who doesn't have a voice in the matter!

OP partner is branded abusive for sticking up for his child.

OP is branded victim because her perfect little family has to include the DSC she knew would be part of her life.

Where does the unwanted 5 yr old fit into according to needs?

To want to exclude a child is a form of abusive behaviour in the emotional sense.

My empathy will always be with the child who has absolutely no say or control over the situation.

It's becoming quite ridiculous that arguments like this are coming from people accusing others of making things up to suit their narrative.

OPs partner is being branded abusive for the way he speaks to OP, not for "sticking up for his child".

OP is being branded a victim for having to live with his behaviour, not for having to live with her DSC.

Everyone is sticking up for the child by saying her feelings are misdirected, she shouldn't need to not be there for your day to be nice, but your partner's behaviour is unacceptable.

It's only you and a couple of others that seems to think it's impossible to stand up for a child and also show empathy for an adult.

@Youseethethingis

It’s back under its bridge now. Be nice to stop blindly attacking OP now and perhaps share any support or advice people may have?

Thank Christ for that!!!

Being shamed for having PND is an absolute first for me.

I'm disgusted. (And reduced to tears by a stranger for the first time ever in my life).

Awk Lou, don’t give it any more head space

Being 8 months pregnant and terrified of it happening again probably doesn't help.

Some empathy for the mother who has been branded 'bad mum' by the OP and other posters as a direct result of her being at at work on Mother's Day wouldn't go a miss.

@EnoughnowIthink
Since the woman isn’t here to be distressed by it I think it would be better to focus on the person who has actually been attacked here, have started the thread looking for advice and support.

[quote harryclr]@SquirtleSquad you are right

I know it's something that will pass over the years I think just because it's my first, every moment feels so special to me, it would just be nice to share some of those with just me and my partner privately.

I think the main problem with being with a partner with a child is balance and sometimes I don't feel there is and that's when the frustration comes up.

I know we need to have the big talk - just nerve wracking as he's a typical bloke who doesn't really talk about feelings, he gets instantly defensive every time i bring anything up about his daughter, he'd rather just get on stuff and have a drama free simple life...but then I want to say to him ... you actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have (someone he says he didn't love and she's obviously not the best mum) so you chose a stressful life!

I want to make it work and be with him forever, one thing I have definitely taken from this is how difficult it is raising children with a split up parents, it's certainly not what I want for my children.

It amazes me how well some people deal with it and i applause them. [/quote]
I don't get this at all. He's done it all before, you knew this when you got with him. So yes for you, it's new, but will never be for him. Maybe you shouldn't criticise his choice of previous partner too. She's the mother of his child. You need to look at the bigger picture. Happy baby, lovely Mother's Day. Don't push his child out. It's just not nice.

People are allowed their opinion. I feel very strongly about the children in these situations.

Having been on every side of the situation, I still firmly believe that whether the OP is struggling or not, her feelings shouldn't be validated to the point she will believe she has a right to not want her DSC around. This is what has happened. She needs to realise that her own DC could easily be the DSC one day. That is where the empathy should be.

I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now.

This is your problem.
Do you think that Mums and Dads who have more than one child feel less excited about events with each child? Or do you think dc1's first birthday is as special as dc2's first birthday? I think you know the answer You need to stop competing against dsd's mum and enjoy being a mum to your son rather than be bitter about not being mother of his oldest.

Until your child is older, Mother's Day is about your h pampering you. It becomes special when they bring you breakfast in bed or make a card at school which makes you feel all 😍🥰 Until then it's a card, flowers and meals cooked by your h for the day.

You are very unreasonable to criticize dsd's mum for working on Mother's Day. Some people work days like Christmas and it doesn't make them a crap mum.

*Thank Christ for that!!!

Being shamed for having PND is an absolute first for me.

I'm disgusted. (And reduced to tears by a stranger for the first time ever in my life).*

So sorry to hear that Lou.

There have been some truly disgusting attitudes on here that as you say, would never be shown to other postpartum women with a verbally abusive partner. It would be the same advice to sort herself out and protect the kids, but expressed with tact and empathy.

I simply cannot fathom the mindset of these people who truly believe that if there is a child involved, it is impossible to talk to a struggling adult with anything less than absolute contempt.

Yes but so many people seem to not be interested in why or how she ended up struggling like this. That’s the main problem here. It is possible to disagree with someone without making them out to be a terrible human being because they are struggling with a whole new life in a way they obviously didn’t foresee.

She’s also been very clear she didn’t feel like this before her child was born, which suggests somethings gone wrong somewhere around that. My guess is that she’s now discovering all the things that “aren’t allowed” for her as a mother in her own right and that then feeds into this current unhealthy cycle

Of course its after her child is born, up until then she could happily play doting pretend mummy. Now she's the real thing and she wants the fake kid to fuck off.

There isn't anything that "isn't allowed" for her as a mother, she can have all of her silly firsts as much as she wants. She just can't have them all without SD, which is what she wants.

Seems like she can’t have anything without her DSD, up to and including an adults weekend away with her DP as described on the other thread.
My DH has never been like this with me. We do stuff with and without DSD, before and after DS was born. He’s never told me I couldn’t plan things just for me and DS unless it suited his ex first as was suggested up thread etc etc.
As a result, I don’t feel a burning need to carve out all these things for myself and my DS, like OP does. DSD is not the centre of our worlds all the time. Sometimes things are worked out to suit other member of the family. Sometimes she’s here, sometimes she isn’t, sometimes we are able to jiggle things around to help her mum out, and she does the same, but if it doesn’t suit then that’s that.
I’m still a person with my own feelings, not just a SM who must always put up and shut up.
Balance is key to most things in life working out ok and this is no different.

Does you SD not celebrate you as her stepmum on Mother's Day? I think your husband needs to acknowledge you as a stepmum on Mother's Day.

Some people DON’T WANT this though.
My ex’s child wouldn’t have liked it and neither would I have liked it.
I have never bought my stepparents a mother’s/father’s day card and my ex’s child never gave me one. If I was forced to include his child in something I felt was a day just between me and my children I wouldn’t have liked it. And I’m sure as hell his child would have resented spending Mother’s Day with me over their own mother.

The ironic thing is on this thread, people are actually forgetting that child might WANT to be with their mum. Ok so the child in this op is 5 and people might argue that the child doesn’t know what Mother’s Day is. But come on they’re not stupid. My 6 year old understands the concept of it. He understood it last year when he was 5 too. He wouldn’t want to be with anyone else on Mother’s Day but me. And I would understand why a stepmum if he had one, would want it to be a special day just between her and her children.

It’s not rocket science.

Seems like she can’t have anything without her DSD, up to and including an adults weekend away with her DP as described on the other thread

They only have her EOW, she can have 12 days out of 14 without her!

Have you read what OP writes about this child? She feels nothing for her except negativity. She doesn't want to do things with her (anything!) because she wants to save literally everything for a first time with her own child.

You know where the stereotypes about SM's come from that you like to complain about? People like OP! She wants SD gone, end of story.

Seems like she can’t have anything without her DSD

Sounds about right.

I knew this to be the case when I was a stepmum after seeing many threads on here, and I made sure not comply.

*Of course its after her child is born, up until then she could happily play doting pretend mummy. Now she's the real thing and she wants the fake kid to fuck off.

There isn't anything that "isn't allowed" for her as a mother, she can have all of her silly firsts as much as she wants. She just can't have them all without SD, which is what she wants.*

So you're saying that's why her feelings changed out of experience as a SP going through that situation, then? Or is it just from the biased assumption that that is the only possible explanation?

And as to "silly firsts"... god you lot are unpleasant.

You know where the stereotypes about SM's come from that you like to complain about? People like OP! She wants SD gone, end of story.

Nope, the stereotypes come from the minds of biased people incapable of looking at the situation as a whole and applying any degree of empathy.

Nope, the stereotypes come from the minds of biased people incapable of looking at the situation as a whole and applying any degree of empathy.

Exactly. The op isn’t giving anyone a bad name. It’s the people who already have it in their minds how they think a stepmum should feel who are giving stepmums a bad name. Some people need a big reality check.

Sometimes too much empathy for the adults is why there are so many children that slip through the net.

Her DSC could grow up with real emotional and attachment issues if OP gets her wish.

So we should have empathy for the OP, but not expect the OP to have empathy for her DSC?

Nope, the stereotypes come from the minds of biased people incapable of looking at the situation as a whole and applying any degree of empathy

I have looked at the situation as a whole and my empathy is for the small child being pushed out, not for the selfish silly grown woman who is annoyed at her stepdaughter for having a wobbly tooth because she wants to do that the first time with her own child.

That's an actual quote from OP btw. You picked the wrong horse in your poor little picked on stepmothers campaign.

Since the woman isn’t here to be distressed by it I think it would be better to focus on the person who has actually been attacked here, have started the thread looking for advice and support

The attitude towards the ex is part of the problem, however. The need for her to be 'bad' so OP is 'good'. Ignoring that having to work on Mother's Day is probably upsetting for a good many mothers who have to do it because of the nature of the work they do - I am sure we don't want all those parent medics to currently say they're not working on Sunday, for example, and we wouldn't be angry at them for working on Mother's Day given the current situation - and turning it into something 'bad' so the OP can feel better about herself. Why turn it into a competition with the ex at all? Why the need to put someone else down so you can feel good about your own decisions? Why not recognise that we all come from a different place, with different motivations that are valid for us in that moment?

The OP is setting herself up for years of misery if she can't accept that the ex is going to do things differently and that's OK. I am sure the OP herself wouldn't want the ex to judge her motivations?

I agree that it’s linked. It’s a symptom of the problem in OPs relationship, as is her current feelings about her DSD, IMO.

@Crystalclair

Sometimes too much empathy for the adults is why there are so many children that slip through the net.

Her DSC could grow up with real emotional and attachment issues if OP gets her wish.

So we should have empathy for the OP, but not expect the OP to have empathy for her DSC?

No, obviously not. We should have the empathy to tell OP that she can't go on feeling the way she does about her SD, but by god is it unsuprising given the way her DP talks to her, which is categorically not acceptable (and not, as some posters have said, understandable as they too would "hit the roof" at her.)

No the advice should not be to take her partner's behaviour out on her SD, but normalising it and saying it's fine for him to act that way and SHE is the problem, will just compel her to stay with him, internalise all these feelings, and probably continue to struggle with her SD. The message she should be receiving is that how he behaves ISN'T ok, she deserves better, and she should leave rather than continue to put up with it because she thinks it's her fault.