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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia

OP posts:

ScribblingPixie · 11/02/2021 16:58

part of your life

VettiyaIruken · 11/02/2021 17:23

When are they leaving?
No doubt your partner believes you won't do it. Part of the contempt she demonstrates towards you I assume.

StarsonaString · 11/02/2021 17:25

@Butterymuffin

If I did sort things out with sd would it be more or less of a betrayal to her when dp and I inevitably split up? I don't know if I should leave it or not anymore.

Talk frankly to step daughter. I think she should know that you do care about her but that a line has been crossed. And that it's far more about her parent than it is about her. I think saying that would be fair to you and her.

Your partner is just a really unpleasant person. She needs to be out of your life asap. I would send a message saying you have had enough of being treated with contempt and today is the last day of it. If your help and support is so useless, fine. It's over and she needs to move out immediately.

Agree with this. I think its worth talking to SD briefly or even writing a note to let her know what is happening and that it isn't because of her but rather your relationship with her mother that has caused this.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 11/02/2021 17:41

Your DP is an absolutely crap parent & partner. That's not your fault or responsibility.

Please don't feel you have let SD down, it was never within your control to change the path of her life while your DP stood in the way.

I would simply say to her that you did not say if she didn't talk talk to you, they'd have to leave. Tell her you care about her and are upset that she's acting the way she is with you now when previously you'd got on so well. Explain that you told your DP that she needed to talk to her to find out why she's so upset & angry.

That's really as much as you can do in this situation.

If you genuinely mean it, you can tell her that she can always come and talk to you & visit your kids, but only say it if you mean it.

I honestly think that even apart from this current issue (DSD not talking to you) you deserve much better from a partner than what you're putting up with. It is obviously 'less abusive' than your previous relationship, but it's FAR FAR from good. You deserve better.

Not to mention that she's not someone I'd want involved in my children's upbringing and she is if she's living in your house. You're teaching your children a lot of unhealthy relationship stuff.

You deserve better
Your kids deserve better

Your DP needs to sort her own life out, you can't do it for her!

Be strong.

WhatMattersMost · 11/02/2021 18:51

Unfortunately, OP, your DP is a child - who has absolutely no adulting skills when it comes to being a proper partner or a parent. There's nothing you can do. Nothing. I'm really sorry.

What I would do, if I were you, were to cut my losses, sit down with your SD and tell her what you've been wanting to tell her but have held back out of misplaced loyalty to your DP's wishes. At least let her know the break-up is nothing to do with her. (Because, believe you me, when I read your post that your DP had told her daughter that you were going to kick them out because of her, my jaw hit the ground. How dare she say that to a child?!!)

And good luck.

forrestgreen · 11/02/2021 19:02

I think you've two issues
Your sd is rude and her mum doesn't fix it.
You don't love your partner anymore and you're being taken for a mug.

Either reason is fair when asking them to leave. It's your house and life and if you're not happy you don't have to put up with it.

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 11/02/2021 19:43

Dp went to work, Sd came back, I asked her how her walk was and she spun on her heel and went to walk out. I told her that there was no reason to be rude, and she said she isn't being rude she just can't be bothered with me. I said to her that this is my home too and I deserve respect and she told me I deserve fuck all and stormed out.

She is visiting her other parent this weekend for a few hours, I'll maybe sit my kids in front of a film and dp and I can go and talk and I'm going to have to end things.

I will tell sd that its not her fault, it isn't really, I could deal with her behaviour if it was being dealt with, but it isn't and I'm just expected to wait for her to come around.

Sad its come to this after 5 year together, even sadder still that I seem to have got into another abusive relationship without even realising or recognising the signs. I thought I was being so careful.

I sway between sadness for sd because her early adult life is going to be absolutely awful, she is going to learn so much the hard way and it could tarnish her life for years, and relief that I won't have to deal with it, which makes me feel awful.

I'm so looking forward to having my home back to being happy and light, and not being judged for having midnight picnics with the kids or putting my Xmas tree up too early or having disco parties in my kitchen or having a PJ day when I feel like it.

I'm not looking forward to pairing up socks and doing the gardening, which are dps jobs, but its a small price to pay I guess

Thank you to everyone for replying, I know it seems like I'm drawing the process out, but dp isn't a bad person, there was love there once, and its been a long time for us and I do care about them both so I need to do this the right way, it will be so much worse if we argue and fall out.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 11/02/2021 19:45

I think you’ll find a gardener and new socks is cheaper than your current arrangement.

Sorry things haven’t worked out for you.

MeridianB · 11/02/2021 19:56

Hold tight onto this. It WILL be worth it.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/02/2021 20:39

The pairing socks thing is easily solved by throwing out all your socks and buying 20 identical pairs. Way cheaper than supporting a sponging partner.

nimbuscloud · 11/02/2021 22:09

I hope for your own children’s sake that this ends soon. What have you said to them ?

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 11/02/2021 22:35

Honestly, i buy identical socks every single time, plain white, can't go wrong, you would think. Socks just bloody appear from nowhere and others disappear and I end up with millions of odd ones and I have no idea how. Its a mystery I might just buy all different ones and they can wear deliberately odd ones. As long as they're clean... right?

My dc haven't really noticed in all fairness. Sd gets up really late and spends a lot of time in her room and they go to bed pretty early so they aren't around together much, the times when their paths do cross sd is alright with them. I don't want to get to the point where they do notice, which would likely be when they go to school and their routines align a bit more again.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 11/02/2021 22:37

What about your dp? What will you tell them about her?

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 11/02/2021 22:50

I haven't decided yet, thats why I'm giving myself a few days.

I'm thinking that I'll just say that Mummy and X have decided to just be friends because our love has changed and that her and sd are moving out. Then plenty of reassurance and love and support for them. She has been in their lives for a relatively long period of time so it won't be easy. I was so careful not to get them involved too soon and still managed to mess it up.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 11/02/2021 23:50

You haven't messed this up. You've been more patient and flexible than most people would have managed and it sounds like you've really, really tried.

Someone can be in your life for a long time and still not be adding to it or a making it happier. I think your kids will cope fine, certainly since the atmosphere that all this must bring to the house will go.

Princessbanana · 12/02/2021 00:30

it honestly sounds like you are doing the best thing you can, for your children and yourself. I could not live like that, it would drive me mad and I would probably end up retreating to my room and not wanting to come out again, which obviously you cant do with young children. I hope you get it all sorted this weekend and you can have peace for the next while. what will happen if she asks you to let her and SD stay until they have a place sorted? my answer would be a firm no but that's obviously up to you....

billybagpuss · 12/02/2021 08:03

Did you tell DP about the conversation (or lack of) with dsd

billybagpuss · 12/02/2021 08:04

And my dd wore odd socks for years for precisely this reason. Still does sometimes.

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 12/02/2021 09:27

Oh I do want to be in my room all the time as its so awkward when sd stomps in and glares when I'm messing about or whatever. Its really awful.

I did tell dp and she just asked what she is supposed to do about it as she can't physically force sd to talk to me but that she will "have a word".

Although it won't change the outcome at this point I would really like to understand why sd has fallen out with everyone and has had such a personality change. I really hope that nothing has happened to her. Maybe it started with whatever happened with her friendship group and everything else has stemmed from there. The poor kid has nobody at the moment.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 12/02/2021 10:12

Seriously I think SD is probably not the "poor kid" you think she is. From the sound of it she sounds very much like she is playing the little madam princess role and lapping up the attention she is getting because of her behaviour. she doesn't care and your DP either doesn't care or is so thick skinned she does not realise what is about to happen.

Please do not blame yourself for anything.

combatbarbie · 12/02/2021 10:29

@SeasonFinale I was just coming on to say the same. Yes some people are a creation of their misfortunes/upbringings, some have MH conditions no yet recognised but some people are just simply nasty pieces of work, the fact this behaviour is only against the stepmother makes me think that the DSD is just a spoilt brat with a joke of a mother who refuses to stand up to her.

These threads annoy me sometimes as there always has to be a reason.... No there doesn't!

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 12/02/2021 10:32

Maybe you're right. Even though she is being a little madam its the result of never being told no or pulled up by her parents so I do feel for her, she has been acting the way she has been raised to act and is now getting problems from that, which will only get worse as she grows. I hope at some point she can pull herself out of this, but with 2 parents falling over themselves to tell her she's never wrong and financially compensate her for every slight in her life, whether its been caused by her or not, I cant see how she will ever learn the easy way.

Just need to remind myself its not my problem

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepparentwoes · 12/02/2021 10:34

combatbarbie the reason I think it's possibly deeper is that she feel out with her friend group, her other stepmother and me all at the same time for, seemingly, no reason.

Maybe she is just acting out because she is a brat, but maybe there's something deeper there, I don't know, and she won't talk to me so I'll never find out.

OP posts:

Sunbird24 · 12/02/2021 10:43

OP if there is a reason behind the behaviour it will no doubt be revealed at the right time, to the right person. But it seems that’s not now and not you. You have tried, and you obviously care, so please don’t feel guilty.
There is only so much you can do when her own parent won’t, your only option really is to put your own DC and your own mental well-being first.

ScribblingPixie · 12/02/2021 10:43

I hope you will get the opportunity to advise her that none of this is her fault and to find a trustworthy adult to talk to about whatever's happened to her and whatever she is feeling - counselling, a teacher, whatever is appropriate. She obviously desperately needs some strong, positive, adult input - but very sadly it can't be you. You know now you can't fix this.

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