Step daughter ignoring me

[Stepparentwoes]

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia

I’ve just finished reading all of this... I’m so sorry you were put in this position by your DP. She sounds like she has the EQ of a boot. I think that you are an amazingly caring person and ANYONE would be grateful to have you in their life. You have been propping DP up for too long. DP set you up to fail completely with SD when she said that you were threatening to kick them both out. That was a double-edged fail because it was blaming her for yet another potential breakup AND making them homeless - which I genuinely believe that DP will do. I don’t believe that accountability is your DP’s middle name, and I believe that she is teaching her kid the same song. Damn shame.

There may well be all sorts of reasons for her behaviour, but none of them are your fault or your responsibility. Basic respect is expected. You arent asking to be her best mate or anything unreasonable. Shes well old enough to understand that if she acts like a dick to people, there would be consequences and people wont want her around.
The fewer consequences she has for her behaviour, the more it gets ingrained. Youre being expected to enable it. It hasnt done her any favours so far, and it wont do her any favours long term.
of course you dont want to lock horns with a surly teenager, but you should never have been put in this position. Its abusive to you

Today is absolutely awful. Dp is off work, is really off with me, and the kids are around so we can't talk.

I'm worried I'll get to the point where it won't be the mature conversation I want, and I'll just snap.

Goodness knows where they are going to go, but I'm just so fed up of it all now. I cant wait to get my home back.

I don't have the finances to help them out at all, and dp doesn't have the finances to sort herself out, I'm hoping a friend will take them in for a while.

Its going to be so odd being on my own again.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it

Ugh, sounds like a rotten day, OP. Not long now before you get your home and peace of mind back. I remember, when I left a long and stultifying relationship, snapping and saying 'There is no aspect of my life that wouldn't be improved by you not being in it.' It was harsher than I meant to be but it was inarguable and showed that I was determined to prioritise my own happiness, so actually helped things along.

This isn't your fault. Your DP is supposed to be a responsible adult capable and willing to work with you as a team.

She has shown herself to be a crap parent incapable of nurturing her own child or promoting her medical wellbeing (not bothering to order medication) or education (not bothering to get passwords to facilitate home schooling).

She is also a diabolical partner leaving you to deal with and / or pay for everything. Now you've asked for her to step up she is being "off" / arsey.

She has been onto a good thing with you. She has taken advantage and still not been grateful enough to even give you a fraction of the support you deserve.

Neither your partner or her child are your responsibility. Remember that regardless of what rubbish may come from their mouths.

You and your kids deserve better and to be able to live without being bullied in your own home which is what is currently happening.

Be live to the fact that your partner will likely play dumb and may perhaps convince her daughter to be nice in order to prevent them having to leave.

Are the kids all old enough to manage for 20 minutes? I would say you need to talk so let's go out for a walk. She fobs you off a lot. Can you be more assertive? There is little to be lost by it now.

The kids aren't old enough to be left alone unfortunately, I don't suppose sd would be willing to watch them for 20 minutes either.

I actually can't think of any aspect of my life thats enhanced by them being here at this point. I don't know how it got to this without me even realising.

Dp is sitting on her phone I keep talking and she just answers with one word and refuses to even look up.

Hopefully tomorrow sd will go see her Mum and this will be done. I just can't do this anymore, it feels like being with my ex.

There's a lot of sorting out to do, so hopefully it can be kept civil, but I'm not sure it can at this point.

Well it's clear where the daughter gets her behaviour from.

At this point you don't need a big discussion. Her virtually ignoring you might make it easier to confirm the relationship is no longer what you want and that they both need to leave. Give a deadline and don't be guilt tripped into allowing her to stay with no end date. My sibling's ex-husband did that and dragged him leaving out to nearly a year. During that period the only things he did were get high/ drunk and continue allowing my sibling to pay for everything whilst telling her what an awful person she is! My sister put up with it at the expense of her own mental health as she too was worried what would happen to him. It has taken her years to recover.

Best of luck to you. You really do deserve so much more.

Can you just quietly say I need to talk to you now in the bedroom/garden/kitchen. Say I have had enough of the disrespect shown to me by you and your daughter IN MY OWN HOME. Your behaviour and that of your daughter over the last few days has shown me you are not willing to tackle any of the issues we are having. You are moving out. Pack an overnight bag for you and your dd for now because I want you gone. You can come back and pack the rest of your stuff over the weekend.

Remember it is not your responsibility to find them somewhere to go. She has parents, ultimately she could sleep on their sofa. Don't back down. She doesn't care that you are uncomfortable in your own home. She doesn't care that her dd is disrespecting you.

Claim back your home, your peace, and your life.

I actually can't think of any aspect of my life thats enhanced by them being here at this point. I don't know how it got to this without me even realising.

For me, it was because I kept putting my partner first in the expectation it would be mutual; it never was - quite the reverse in fact - and we just slid to a place where absolutely nothing worked for me whatsoever. You are sounding quite determined now, which frankly is good to read after everything you've shared with us.

Do you think she's found this thread?

@billybagpuss

Do you think she's found this thread?

If she has and you decide to pull it, sending loads of handholds and best wishes

The deadline for finding somewhere will be tomorrow or Sunday, they can't stay here after I tell them, its just too awkward, and I know the dp will put in a huge effort if she hangs about for a week or two and ill end up feeling worse than I do already.

We don't have any actual ties together, just their stuff in my house, so things will be easier to sort I think.

I have put them before myself, and now I think back it has never been reciprocated at all. Its all been me compromising and changing and having to forget stuff.

I feel like such a fool. I've been so blind, I've seen this relationship as the way I want it to be rather than the way it actually is.

I have this thread to thank for that, thank you everyone

I don't think she has found this, she would be giving me digs and hints if she had and there's been none of that, my behaviour/tolerance has changed which is why she's moody I think.

Op, just been reminded by you that your sd's mood changed and she fell out with all of her friends, her other mum's partner and you all at the same time a couple of months ago.

Once you have ended this relationship, please phone her school and flag this up as a safeguarding concern. A change in behaviour like this is, I am afraid, a flag for concern re abuse. It may not be the case - she may just be a product of weak parenting and hormones or whatever, but someone needs to talk to her in a safeguarding capacity, or at least to have her on their radar to keep an eye on her. It sounds as if she will need support if she becomes effectively homeless with her mum too. Not said to make you feel guilty. Just the way things are.

HTH

I did tell the school when she fell out with her friend group, but they obviously couldn't tell me anything because I'm not her parent.

I'll likely email and let them know the situation when they move out as well, thats all I can do.

I do feel for her.

with 2 parents falling over themselves to tell her she is never wrong

Isn’t this exactly what you are doing too? This girl must be Teflon coated because whatever she does the adults around her assure her that nothing is her fault.
I wouldn’t be surprised if her friendship group have had enough of her too.
None of you are doing her any favours by letting her get away with this behaviour.

What happens if they actually refuse to leave? Legally - sorry don’t want to throw a spanner in the works. I don’t know the answer do they have any rights? I’m guessing not. But might be worth some legal advice.

Indeed the school won't tell you anything, but please do emphasise that as well as falling out with her friends her behaviour changed drastically at the same time - and has remained altered.

I have some experience in this area. A child who has been assaulted may well blame themselves, and not want to discuss it/ not even know how to process it. They therefore push away the people closest to them, who might be in a position to ask/help.

I am not saying that this has happened, but it might have and you are the one person who has identified that this pattern of behaviour started at a specific point a couple of months ago. It may be on reflection that you decide that it wasn't a drastic change, but you have said here twice that it was.

As well as letting the school know that she has left, please do emphasise in your email that you are concerned about this change in her behaviour - not for your own sake, but because it might be an indicator of a deeper issue which she does not feel able to articulate. A good safeguarding lead will note it and find ways of following up. All the more important to get her onto someone's radar, if she is moving house, and maybe even moving school soon if her mum moves away.

What happens if they actually refuse to leave?

I'm hoping it won't come to that. I have no idea what I'll do, and I'll just cross that bridge if it gets to it.

Isn’t this exactly what you are doing too?

Yes, not really my choice, I have to respect sds mothers decisions regarding parenting her. I would be furious is dp overrode one of my parenting decisions so I wouldn't do it to someone else. I know I'm not doing her any favours, I've talked and talked to dp about it, but ultimately she isn't my kid so its not my choice. I'm not the one who will have to deal with the consequences of her parenting.

@Stepparentwoes

Dp went to work, Sd came back, I asked her how her walk was and she spun on her heel and went to walk out. I told her that there was no reason to be rude, and she said she isn't being rude she just can't be bothered with me. I said to her that this is my home too and I deserve respect and she told me I deserve fuck all and stormed out.

She is visiting her other parent this weekend for a few hours, I'll maybe sit my kids in front of a film and dp and I can go and talk and I'm going to have to end things.

I will tell sd that its not her fault, it isn't really, I could deal with her behaviour if it was being dealt with, but it isn't and I'm just expected to wait for her to come around.

Sad its come to this after 5 year together, even sadder still that I seem to have got into another abusive relationship without even realising or recognising the signs. I thought I was being so careful.

I sway between sadness for sd because her early adult life is going to be absolutely awful, she is going to learn so much the hard way and it could tarnish her life for years, and relief that I won't have to deal with it, which makes me feel awful.

I'm so looking forward to having my home back to being happy and light, and not being judged for having midnight picnics with the kids or putting my Xmas tree up too early or having disco parties in my kitchen or having a PJ day when I feel like it.

I'm not looking forward to pairing up socks and doing the gardening, which are dps jobs, but its a small price to pay I guess

Thank you to everyone for replying, I know it seems like I'm drawing the process out, but dp isn't a bad person, there was love there once, and its been a long time for us and I do care about them both so I need to do this the right way, it will be so much worse if we argue and fall out.

I’ll come and do your socks.

I'll email the school and let them know. Thank you.

I do hope that she is ok and nothing has happened to her. Maybe its just all this covid stuff and lockdowns, I just don't know. I just feel so sorry for her, but I'm not the person who can fix it sadly, I absolutely would have been there for her 100%, but pressuring her will make things even worse I fear. I'll say to her that she can always talk to me before they leave, but I'll likely be told to fuck off at this point.

I’ll come and do your socks.

😍 is it too soon to fall in love again

If they refuse to leave, or you feel threatened call the police.