Step daughter ignoring me

[Stepparentwoes]

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia

I feel sorry for your sd, Op. You say neither of her parents parent her, they say they never wanted dc - which your sd is probably well aware of due to the fact they just don't seem to care about her. She is even being blamed for relationship break up's. What I'm going to say might sound like cod psychology but you say that her father said 2 years into a relationship her behaviour changes and has caused issues in the past? This poor girl obviously hasn't had many reliable, constant, involved adults in her life so could she after a couple of years consciously or subconsciously be testing people to see if they will leave too? Could she be testing you? It sounds so difficult if she won't open up to you. I understand that you don't want to abandon her or send her back to a mother who has categorically said that she doesn't want her daughter. It's very sad and puts you in a horrible position op.

Thank you

I'm feeling a bit sad tonight, still trying to think of possible fixes and then I'm getting annoyed at myself because I've tried and I cant fix it by myself.

She probably is testing me, the difficulty is, and I know I sound like a monster here, we don't have the love there for me to take the abusive behaviour as I would with my kids, I've tried, every day I've tried to talk and she will not, and I cant do it indefinitely, which is going to put me in the category of adults who abandoned her and probably make everything worse for her.

My priority is my kids and then myself, in that order and I need to remind myself of that.

Dp is still at work and I feel awful that she's going to be out on the street, sd is still ignoring me and she's going to have no home and no adult in her life who wants to guide her.

I'm just so thankful I never tangled our finances or put her name on my house or this would be a million times worse.

My priority is my kids and then myself, in that order and I need to remind myself of that.

Yes. Do not let your dp talk you into changing your mind. You absolutely have to prioritise your own children.

Gosh, this is really tricky. I can see why your so upset about SD - she has been thoroughly failed by both parents. Wtf are they thinking?

And your dp: Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me, which absolutely won't have helped this at all.

Does she have no empathy or emotional intelligence at all???? What a bloody awful response.

But you're right: your responsibility is to your dc, then you. You are not responsible for your dp, or for your SD. She has two parents.

Wishing you all the best. You sound lovely and you deserve better.

Hi OP,

This sounds absolutely terrible. I really feel for you, SD and your own DC. I don't feel for your DP so much as she had quite clearly taken the easy way out with everything.

It's no surprise your SD is the way she is - her own mother can't look after herself, she's living on your generosity and goodwill. The situation with her other parent is awful, what kind of a parent tells her daughter that she is responsible for her failed parent. Really SD has been appallingly let down by her parents.

You are more than entitled to tell them to leave but if you do decide to continue (and i wouldn't blame you, this girl is in your life now and you clearly care about her) I would completely change your thinking on what you can and can't do.

A therapist talked a similar situation out with me when I felt I was suffering the consequences of poor parenting of my SD but my hands were tied in terms of dealing with it.

No you are not her parent but you are an adult living in the house. When she ignores you or insults you in earshot calmly call her out on it and tell her you won't tolerate it and she will have to leave the room. Do it every single time. Tell her if she wants to talk to you about what is bothering her then you will listen but in the meantime she is not entitled to ignore you. Do it over and over.

Look you're right that your responsibility is to yourself and your DC but really this girl's behaviour is not surprising. She must be eaten up with anxiety. Her living situation is precarious - she can't go to her other mother's, the DP there ruined (in her mind) her relationship with that mother, she's not secure in your home, she's pushing to take back some control so the decision that they have to leave doesn't come as a surprise.

I'm sorry though because you are the one suffering and you are the only one doing right by her.

OP please don't think for one second of yourself as a monster. I think your fundamental consideration here has been how to help and "fix" the situation for everyone, sadly there are already parents in the mix who can't really parent effectively. That sounds like an affront to those parents, I get that sometimes these situations are circumstantial of a divorce and everything that goes with it.

There's two things that are important here: firstly is rolemodelling the right behaviours to your own children. I've recently gone no contact with my RP who couldn't rolemodel for toffee and 30 years later in lockdown something has triggered me to really think about it. Time is a great luxury that some of us never had before eh? Please don't allow your own children to ever question your care for them 30 years down the line. It will unpick years of amazing nurturing.

The second thing is that your partner is weak. And weak people carry other people and drag them under the swell of their chaos. They can be lovely, and a bit clunky and on the surface appear to have the best intentions but are they doing the right thing by your SD or you or your children? No. Should you be the one to overcompensate for that? Shit no.

I think you need to hold your head up high, remember that you've done everything you can and stuck to your guns.
I've witnessed my SD scream in my husbands face that he is "a disgusting human being and I never want to speak to you again." It was a very trivial argument. She was totally in the wrong and at the time I drew the line and said if she didn't know how to control herself she wasn't welcome in our home. She's an adult and that was the culmination of years of shite parenting. Luckily my husband backed me when I said "our home, our sanctuary, not ok".

You've tried to help sd, dp has specifically said to butt out so when it comes to people who've failed sd, you're not one of them.
I'm very disappointed in dp that they didn't talk to sd, again another opportunity to ignore what you want.

You should say that you aren't making them leave because of as behaviour. You are making them leave because of the mother's inability to be a parent

You don't sound like a monster OP, nowhere near. In fact the love and concern you have about your SD is clear.
Your dp is useless! What a piss poor excuse for a parent. Maybe harsh but true.
At this point OP you have nothing to lose so in your shoes I would speak to SD myself, regardless of being told not to. Fuck that!
So what if she kicks off, let her. Then remind her that this is your home and that you care about her and understand that she may well be struggling and be unhappy but that doesn't mean she gets to treat people the way she is. What's she going to do? not speak to you some more?
Your dp has created this, if she had stood with you, united, from the start of this behaviour then you'd have stood a chance.

I don't like the way some pp have said to say to sd that 'if you don't talk to me, you'll both have to leave'
I think this is a dp problem and that it's her inability to parent that's causing them to leave. That child doesn't need more stress.

You're not a monster. You're looking out for your DC and yourself.

You're expecting to treated with respect in your own home. That's not a big ask by any means.

Has DP or DSD made any effort today OP

Thank you all again. Every word in this thread is resonating with me, and I've come to dome pretty harsh realisations.

Dp spoke to sd today (for what must have been 5 minutes) and sd said she was speaking to me now, she blatantly isn't. She has gone out on a walk so I'll see what happens when she gets back.

I sorted out some medication sd is on and had ran out of, told dp, who said I probably had it wrong, I said I didn't and all she needs to do is pick it up, and was snapped at and told not to talk to her like a child.

I waited 10 minutes and then told her she shouldn't talk to me like that when I've just been helpful and didn't get an apology, or even a response other than I treated her like a child. Sd has been without this medication for nearly a week and I've reminded dp every day to sort it but she hasn't.

It was the same with access to the school, it was almost 2 weeks of sd not knowing her passwords and logins before I emailed and was sent them so she could work.

At this point I don't know whether to try and talk to sd, because I think the whole situation with dp is pretty unfixable at this point.

I do everything, and pay for everything, but she treats me with contempt because she is at work and I'm on furlough, for instance I was talking about a plan i have for my dcs birthday, she asked when I was going to do it, I said if the dc are still off I would do it on their actual birthday, if not it would likely be on X day. They then had a go at me for being selfish and doing my dcs party when they had to work the next day, but it fits in with other things that are going on so it makes sense, and its not exactly an all night drink fuelled rave anyway.

If I did sort things out with sd would it be more or less of a betrayal to her when dp and I inevitably split up? I don't know if I should leave it or not anymore.

The whole situation is awkward and unlivable at the moment, and I cant see a way forward now.

Be there and split up as him allowing her to treat me like shit was part of his wider abuse.

Don't stand for it- give him an ultimatum

Your other option is to punish her/ call her out on her behaviour as if she was yours

No betrayal, no. It sounds unfixable with DP. The more you write about her, the worse it is.

If it were me I would have one last, honest chat with her. Say - I’m sorry it has become ‘difficult’ between the two of you - and that you’ve tried to help. That’s all. Expect nothing. Turn round then and walk away.

Leave it at that. Then get rid of your disrespectful dp.

I think you’ll feel lighter once this deed is done. Focus on better times ahead now, abs a lovely birthday for your dc.

If I did sort things out with sd would it be more or less of a betrayal to her when dp and I inevitably split up? I don't know if I should leave it or not anymore.

I think you will feel worse if she's still not speaking to you when they leave, you will always be wondering about her and if she's ok, and are her needs being met and so on, and you'll fret and worry and potentially allow your stbxp to hoover you back in by coming to you about sd's woes. if you get a chance to fix your relationship with her you should, because then you have clear lines of communication for if she ever wants or needs to contact you herself in future (assuming you would be ok with her doing that). it seems you are the only person in this child's life who gives a shit about her, and you must be frantic with worry.

and anyway, it's not a betrayal to end a relationship that's not working for you. of anyone.

OP this is no way to live, for you or your DC. You need to rip the plaster off and get this over with

Has something happened to her? It sounds like more than moody teenage stuff. To suddenly ignore and be rude to both you and her other step parent just seems strange. Is she somehow angry at the adults in her life for not protecting her, is it her new friends or missing her old ones🤷🏼‍♀️

Given it’s your house, you pay for everything I’d be sitting her down and asking her what is happening. Id even go as far as doing it without your DP, he’s obviously not interested in helping her and may even be the actual problem. I’d ask her outright what she meant by telling you a few home truths. You may not be her biological mother but she’s still apart of your family and you do hold some responsibility. If she is unwilling to talk then I’d be definitely telling her and your DP that unless your treat with respect in your own home they will need to find alternative accommodation.

OP sorry to be so blunt and I know this is really hard and needs to be handled sensitively but they need to go ASAP. Your DPs behaviour today sounds like someone who knows the gravy train is coming to an end so they have nothing to lose by being rude and disrespectful to you - I've been here before. How DARE your DP make your kids birthday all about them??!! That tells you all you need to know.

IMO you are worrying far too much about a kid that isn't yours, and with the greatest respect, has only been in your life for 2 years. I've been married for a long time, and were DH and I to split, frankly his child and their problems and housing needs would be his problem to deal with, not mine. Not because I don't care, but because he is her parent. If he asked me for specific help I would give it if it was a reasonable request and I was able to, but not to my own detriment. She isn't your child, you don't have a good bond with her, she isn't even nice to you, you have absolutely zero responsibility to her. It sounds like she needs some professional help but that is something for her parents to worry about. I genuinely wouldn't bother trying to speak to DSD, what's it going to change now? Even if you get through to her and become best buddies, your DP will still behave like they do, do you really want to stick this out any longer? What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?

Just think how lovely your life would be if you only had to worry about your own DCs school work, or medication, or behaviour. Think of all the additional income you'll have when you no longer have to support these people.

It is amazing what people can do when they had to - when I left a long term ex I was convinced he would basically fall apart - he was crap with money, had a drug problem, had been bankrupted, I paid the mortgage and most of the bills etc. But me leaving basically showed him he had to take responsibility for himself or sink, and he chose to sort himself out, quite quickly too. He's told me since that he always knew he was being lazy and relying on me to be the responsible one and make sure the bills got paid, but he was never going to do it unless he had to, why would he when muggins here could do it all for him. Your DP and SD will be just fine.

Apologies just read the entire thread, you dp and her daughter are draining you emotionally and financially, showing you no consideration, get them to move out so they are no longer your problem

They will never be homeless and get a supported accommodation place before a rental, not your monkeys not your circus

The more you describe your partner - who I sincerely hope will soon be your ex-partner because she doesn't deserve you - the worse she sounds. There is nothing there to save because surely as you are clearly a decent person, you can have nothing but contempt for somebody so careless at meeting her own child's most basic needs - health and education. Even if she treated you like a queen, you just can't overlook that. How would she treat you if down the line you were vulnerable and needed support? The answer to that is all the answer you need

If I did sort things out with sd would it be more or less of a betrayal to her when dp and I inevitably split up? I don't know if I should leave it or not anymore.

Talk frankly to step daughter. I think she should know that you do care about her but that a line has been crossed. And that it's far more about her parent than it is about her. I think saying that would be fair to you and her.

Your partner is just a really unpleasant person. She needs to be out of your life asap. I would send a message saying you have had enough of being treated with contempt and today is the last day of it. If your help and support is so useless, fine. It's over and she needs to move out immediately.

Just ask them both to go.

This is painful, dragged out and achieving nothing. Neither of them is prepared to be civil to you. Get rid of them. Your own children must be utterly sick of the whole drama.

I don't think that sorting things out with SD matters at this stage as she won't be part of her life. But I do think it's very important to tell her that your relationship has ended because of problems between you and your DP, and not because of her. I think she should have that information for the future, when she's mature enough to understand things better.