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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Meowtha · 08/02/2021 21:06

@WineInTheWillows

Ahh, so you're his meal ticket.

That's how it sounds to me.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 21:09

What happens with my friends' who are separated parents, even if their children live with them most of the time, is if the children have their own rooms the rooms can be and are frequently used by other people if they are not there

Unless it's a guest house, how often are people streaming in and out that need to sleepover? Guests are usually occasional.

Not 22 days or month or anything close surely?

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 21:11

you won't be making your DC share so that his DS can have their own room for 4 days a month.

This isn't what he wants and as the OP has a boy and a girl, they won't be sharing.
He wants a 4 bedroomed house.

MessAllOver · 08/02/2021 21:15

Could you not rent a 4 bed together? Then you could (1) save to buy a 4 bed, and (2) exit much more easily if things get messy. Much easier and cleaner to split up if the house is rented not owned. And moving in together is going to put huge pressure on your relationship so sensible to trial it first.

If you're in a 3 bed and your DP is in a 2 bed, a 4 bed place can't be any more expensive to rent, surely?

Trumplosttheelection · 08/02/2021 21:23
  1. read other people's children
  2. tell him the inheritance is not up for discussion
  3. tell him you will be putting in equal deposits only
  4. show him your will leaving everything to your kids
  5. make plain you will be keeping your own bank account, no joint account bollocks
  6. watch him strop like a child
  7. kick him to the kerb
  8. wait to hear about the woman he takes up with next, like you she will have kids, like you she will have more money than him, unlike you he will persuade her to move in with him and she will be financing his waste of space ways
  9. find his ex and ask her about the money issues in the relationship. There will be some. Probably sex pest issues too. Cos you're not a person to him really, you're a wife and that's what they are for.
RedMarauder · 08/02/2021 21:23

@SandyY2K

What happens with my friends' who are separated parents, even if their children live with them most of the time, is if the children have their own rooms the rooms can be and are frequently used by other people if they are not there

Unless it's a guest house, how often are people streaming in and out that need to sleepover? Guests are usually occasional.

Not 22 days or month or anything close surely?

People are WFH more at the moment so the rooms are being used to work in by one of the adults in the house.
Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 21:24

Call his bluff. Tell him your 2 are happy to share for just a few nights a month. Show him a few suggested sofa beds for dd's room ... Dss can have his own room then.
Bet he won't be happy with that when it's a perfect acceptable option..

Missingthebridegene · 08/02/2021 21:40

It's really tricky because you obviously all want DSS to feel at home but at the same time it's frustrating when you will really have to struggle financially to buy a four bedroom house for only afew nights a month! Would it be financially possible to buy a 3 bed and convert the loft, or buy a 3 bed with integral garage and convert the garage? Much more cost effective ways of gaining an additional bedroom! X

FinallyHere · 08/02/2021 21:55

We can only just afford a 3 bed.

How many bedrooms do you each currently have? Do you have three bedrooms at the moment or do your children share? If they already share, then I can sort of see his point. His DS is going from having his own room to sharing while your two would either continue to have a room each or get a room each, with an occasional visitor.

Staying where you each are sounds like a win to me.

Marley20 · 08/02/2021 23:17

I'd be wary of this one. He's trying to wear you down, he thinks you'll give in eventually. Don't, every time he tries to discuss it tell him it's his choice and unless he's changed his mind on the boys sharing there's nothing more to say. Then shut the conversation down. Paying loads of money for a room to be empty 3 weeks a month is madness, I'd be reviewing the entire relationship based on this idiocy.

Marley20 · 08/02/2021 23:22

Just read the rest of your posts. Alarm bells going off here, sounds like you may have heard them. You say you would be happy leaving things as they are and not moving in together at all until the kids are older. So why don't you? Why are you moving in with him just because it's what HE wants? If you're not that fussed then leave things as they are, if it's meant to be he'll wait. I have to say I would not give him any of the inheritance and I would only buy a property 50/50, I wouldn't put extra money in your f I were you. Good luck xx

SchoonerP · 08/02/2021 23:42

Oh OP please don't buy a house with him. Buy a house for your family. He can come stay or not. There is no upside for you to do as he wants. Hold your ground and your assets!

StellaDendrite · 09/02/2021 00:28

I'd carry on living separately if I was you. Especially as your kids are getting older. Then you can just do what's best for you and your kids.

Nogardenersworld · 09/02/2021 00:35

I think it depends on the plans for DSS when he’s there
I remember being shoved on a blow up bed in the corner of my step siblings rooms. It was very much their room. I wouldnt want DC to feel like that at mine / their dads house.
Also I think with DC that age that have never lived together, some of their own space is much nicer and better for family dynamic. So I see his point
I wonder though if you could understand DPs reasoning and find another way to manage it
Like for example if it’s about them having their own space, could you find some sort of room layout that allows for that

However reading your updates it sounds like he’s just manipulating you into suggesting you use your inheritance to get you all a bigger house

PerveenMistry · 09/02/2021 02:29

@Devlesko

Looks like you have found out in time. I wouldn't move in with a man like this, sounds like he's making excuses.
Yes. Dodging a major bullet here.

What is he doing to contribute to a solution? From the sound of it, nothing.

PerveenMistry · 09/02/2021 02:29

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

OMG, no!

PerveenMistry · 09/02/2021 02:58

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@Ragwort To be honest I think I would be ok if we continued to live separately until all the DC were older. DP, however, seems to think that we can't be a 'proper family' unless we all live together. [/quote]

I bet he can't wait. To get his paws on your money.

Stay separate. Stay in control.

Rangoon · 09/02/2021 04:18

I am a solicitor and my own personal money is tied up nice and tight. I have been married for nearly 30 years and in that 30 years my husband has never been anything other than honourable about splitting bills, ownership of assets etc. Still my own personal assets remain mine and he has no claim on them and he is perfectly fine about this. Your dp shows every sign of wanting to get his hands on your money and is wanting YOU to provide a much bigger deposit so HIS SON can have a room to himself for 2-3 days a month. I think you can see what's wrong with this. For what it's worth, I could forgive an affair much more readily than I could forgive a deliberate plan to cheat me out of my money. I would get rid of any man who did that in an instant without hesitation and, if I was subject to the UK's laws, I wouldn't dream of marrying him.

sashh · 09/02/2021 05:00

Have wither of you asked DSS? He might be as excited about it as your DS.

Obviously the other option is for you to share with DD, he can share with your DS and DSS can have his own room - that might make him realise how unreasonable he is being.

Thedramasummer · 09/02/2021 06:27

There are options in 3 bedroom we homes.

You could buy one that you can covert loft or garage. Or partition one of the rooms. There are also some creative ways to spilt a room when partitioning isn’t an option.

I think if I was you and could afford to buy a 3 bed on my own I would. It gets you on the property ladder and gives you options down the line of you want to downsize.

If you decide to buy jointly with him make sure you consult your own solicitor so that your share is protected.

PCar20 · 09/02/2021 06:29

@00100001 or leave him

So dramatic 😂😂😂

NinaMimi · 09/02/2021 06:44

It does sound suspicious that he keeps on at you about the issue he’s creating. It really makes no sense to hold off plans to live together so that his son has his own room for a few days a month. Like others I think it does sound to me that he’s wanting you to put in a lot more money to get a bigger house and I’d be concerned about why someone in a relationship is so eager to increase their assets.

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 09/02/2021 06:45

Buy the house yourself for you and your kids

He's clearly after your inheritance and a share of a bigger house

Have you addressed this with him ?

MeridianB · 09/02/2021 06:51

@MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away
Agree with everyone pointing to the big red flag. Unless your DP is putting in half or more of the money for any new house (3 or 4 bed) and sharing all costs fairly then please don’t do this.

It’s not that everything has to be equal with every couple but in this case, I’m afraid it sounds as if he has an agenda which would put you and your children at a possibly huge disadvantage. That’s not a partnership. You deserve much better.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2021 06:53

tiredandaccidentprone
I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed)

Oh, ok. A bigger house on your money then.

Why exactly do you need to live with this man, and stretch yourself financially for the sake of his son who won't even be living with you permanently anyway? Why can't you just live with your DCs and still have a relationship with him?

Please put your life and children first and don't be a mug for a man. I can't fathom why you're even listening to a man who wants more, doesn't have the means to pay for it so his "solution" is to whinge to a woman about it.

This has red flags waving all over it

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