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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Blendiful · 08/02/2021 18:10

DP’s DC and my DC share a room as they are close in age. We would love a 4 bed but We can’t afford that so it is what it is. Unless he is saying we need a 4 bed because I want one and I’m paying. I’d just be sticking to saying we have to stay where we are then.

Absolutely do not spend any more of your money on doing that.

BikerWife · 08/02/2021 18:17

Although the boys at 8 and 10 might be happy to share for a few nights a month now, when they are 12 & 14 or 14 & 16 they may not be so keen and DSS could always end up coming more than 4-6 nights a month in future?

wifterwafter · 08/02/2021 18:17

Firstly seek independent legal advice on how to,protect your deposit and share of the house if you buy one. I'd suggested owning as tenants in common rather than joint tenants.

Secondly buy a 3 bed with a downstairs study or garage you can convert to a bedroom and let the dc who live with you choose where they want to sleep.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 18:35

Op find a suitable rental with 4 bedrooms. Suggest a year tenancy.
See if he is keen to live as a proper family without you paying through YOUR nose for it.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 18:37

Although the boys at 8 and 10 might be happy to share for a few nights a month now, when they are 12 & 14 or 14 & 16 they may not be so keen and DSS could always end up coming more than 4-6 nights a month in future?

This isn't reason enough to buy out of their means. Some people can only afford 3 beds regardless of what the children would prefer.

BikerWife · 08/02/2021 18:40

@aSofaNearYou

Although the boys at 8 and 10 might be happy to share for a few nights a month now, when they are 12 & 14 or 14 & 16 they may not be so keen and DSS could always end up coming more than 4-6 nights a month in future?

This isn't reason enough to buy out of their means. Some people can only afford 3 beds regardless of what the children would prefer.

But maybe it is reason enough not to move in together and blend 2 families (which is a completely different dynamic to a nuclear family).
aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 18:41

@BikerWife Yes, I would agree with that, given the DPs attitude and that OP is not keen anyway.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 18:41

My dd's are less than 2 years apart and have and will always have to share. It's hardly child cruelty.

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/02/2021 18:47

You can bet that once you move in together those 4-6 nights a week will increase because he has you to look after his son for him which is why he's pushing for another room.

katy1213 · 08/02/2021 18:51

Buy your own home for your own children. And let him dream on!

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 18:54

To me the issue isn't that he wants his DS to have his own room. Nothing wrong with that. A shared room will always feel like it belongs to the person who is there more.

The issue is he cannot afford it and seems to expect the OP to stump up for it from her inheritance. That's not okay and it's kind of grabby.

sassbott · 08/02/2021 19:02

Op. Let’s assume the 4 bed house convo was not happening. I have one question, as the reality is there is a substantial disparity in deposits Here (despite someone up thread saying there’s not much difference between £10k and £25k...errr, yes. There is).

On what legal terms was this house being purchased? Has he agreed to adequate protection of your deposit vs his?
How have you agreed to split bills?
What would happen in the event this didn’t work out? I’m assuming if you get an inheritance essentially that gives you a ‘fund’ to basically buy him out of his equity and tell him to leave? (Could be a reason he’d like your inheritance invested in a larger house, makes it much harder to walk away from).

Personally OP? (And I don’t know enough about his motives from what you’ve typed). Don't buy with him. If you can afford your own home with your DC’s, make that investment. Give them a you and them home. (Obvs I don’t know if you can afford a mortgage on your income alone).
But I wouldn’t set up home with my children, with someone I have not lived with before. I would want my home, my children’s home, to be ours.

If a relationship then works out with someone living in your home, then at some point a separate conversation can be had about a larger together home. And what that looks like.

It takes years to get to know someone.

MadCattery · 08/02/2021 19:11

If you contribute £20,000 and he contributes 10, and you are both tragically killed in an accident, or eaten by lions on safari, or whatever, then his child would get half, and your children would get to share half. But, half of what his son gets will have been out of your inheritance. Do you see yet why this is all a bad idea?

HauntedPencil · 08/02/2021 19:19

Not if it's set up correctly it won't - which is why it's important to get advice if you are giving an u equal deposit each

sassbott · 08/02/2021 19:19

@MadCattery not necessarily. If there was a clear will drawn up and the right legal agreements in place, her estate would go to her children and his to his. Whether they have either had these convos is a separate matter.

It’s interesting to see people’s reactions when legal conversations are bought up.

WineInTheWillows · 08/02/2021 19:19

Ahh, so you're his meal ticket.

Onadifferentuniverse · 08/02/2021 19:26

Instead of giving the figures- how much more are you contributing to the deposit than him?

ooohbriefcase · 08/02/2021 19:47

@nitsandwormsdodger

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?
What? That's a question for his dad not the op. They aren't even married and don't live together yet, why would that be op's responsibility???
shiningstar2 · 08/02/2021 20:00

Honest opinion? I think I can see where he is coming from. At the moment, presumably, your dh's son has his own room in his dad's house when he visits his dad.
As the resident parent, you will have your children with you most of the time. In a sense, in a 3 bedroom property, the 2 children's bedrooms are, for the most part, your children's bedrooms with your dss added into the mix for part of the time. Basically, under this arrangement, your dss is bunking up in a bedroom that mainly belongs to your son. When he visits his dad now he has his own personal space with room for his own possessions. If your dss only comes part of the time, inevitably, over time, the 'boys' room, will really be your ds's with his posessions predominating.

If you buy a three bedroomed house together, your partner is committing to a relationship where inevitably he sees your children, as resident in the home, more than he will see his own son. He might feel that he is paying for a 3 bedroomed home where 2 out of 3 of the bedrooms are mainly for your children. I think you are being a little short sighted here. Could you look for a 4 bed in a cheaper area. Even a very small 4th bedroom would provide his child with his own personal space when he visits. This would likely avoid long term resentments. Just because your son would like the arrangement, doesn't mean his son has to like it. If you move in together his son will inevitably have to share his dad far more than he does now.

I think that it's easy to think, that because his son will only be visiting, rather than resident, that he can have what really amounts to a sleep over in your son's room. His perspective will be that his own son's interests are just as important as yours, and that because he is not resident and doesn't see as much of his dad as your kids will see of you, its all the more important that he has his own room, with his own area and space for his own things.

This is difficult I know, and finances are not infinite but this is what I am thinking. Hope you find a solution Flowers

Sheepies · 08/02/2021 20:32

Hmmm I do get what he is saying, even though it's a few days a month, presumably he has his own room now, and in a few years when maybe your DS isn't as happy to sure, things will become awkward. If you aren't happy with it though, then I would consider buying somewhere for your and your DC, and he can visit if he wants.

lalafafa · 08/02/2021 20:35

A proper family for 3-4 days a month? Buy a house on your own.

DinoHat · 08/02/2021 20:43

@nitsandwormsdodger

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?
What’s the point of this question?
RedMarauder · 08/02/2021 20:47

@shiningstar2 why should the OP pay for an empty room for 22 to 24 days per month?

What happens with my friends' who are separated parents, even if their children live with them most of the time, is if the children have their own rooms the rooms can be and are frequently used by other people if they are not there.

The OP's partner basically wants a shrine to a living child which is Disney Dad territory.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 21:00

@shiningstar2

Your post is very well articulated, with valid points. It brings a sense of balance.

As I said upthread, the room will feel like it belongs to the child who is there the most.

He just needs to raise more money, rather than expecting the OP to do that.

Meowtha · 08/02/2021 21:04

I think you need to set him straight that

A) you won't be putting all of your inheritance into the pot.

B) you won't be making your DC share so that his DS can have their own room for 4 days a month.

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