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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
00100001 · 09/02/2021 07:34

[quote PCar20]**@00100001* or leave him*

So dramatic 😂😂😂[/quote]
🤷‍♀️ not the only one who has suggested that this relationship may not last...

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/02/2021 08:06

What I worry about in these situations is if the mother dies, how do her kids get their money back? Sorry, it looks really brutal written down but if you were joint tenants he would get your house automatically and even if you go down the tenants in common route with ring fenced deposits it's still hard for your kids to get that money back - they'd need a clued up adult to navigate it and force a sale or buyout (which he can't afford).
I always think it's better not to blend households when you have DC from a previous marriage to support. Their interests have to come first.

That aside, sometimes couples just can't afford to live together - I don't understand why it is seen as the default. It isn't living together that makes people a proper family anyway, it's the emotional bonds.

I bet he starts making noises about investing less/paying less mortgage because she has 2 DC living there ft and he has 1, part time.

DinoHat · 09/02/2021 08:26

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

What I worry about in these situations is if the mother dies, how do her kids get their money back? Sorry, it looks really brutal written down but if you were joint tenants he would get your house automatically and even if you go down the tenants in common route with ring fenced deposits it's still hard for your kids to get that money back - they'd need a clued up adult to navigate it and force a sale or buyout (which he can't afford). I always think it's better not to blend households when you have DC from a previous marriage to support. Their interests have to come first.

That aside, sometimes couples just can't afford to live together - I don't understand why it is seen as the default. It isn't living together that makes people a proper family anyway, it's the emotional bonds.

I bet he starts making noises about investing less/paying less mortgage because she has 2 DC living there ft and he has 1, part time.

It’s perfectly possible and straightforward to ringfence your own assets.
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/02/2021 08:32

Yes legally, but how do the kids deal with that if something happens to their mum. How do they force a house sale if her partner is reluctant to move or but them out. To me it's just easier if the house is hers alone and her executor can sort things more easily for the kids.
Also too many people trust their partner to do right by the kids, so they don't ring fence or do anything to protect the money and time and time again it doesn't happen.

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2021 09:02

His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds.

Everytime he moans I would ask him how much extra he's saved this month towards the 4 bed.

Youseethethingis · 09/02/2021 09:18

I’d still like to know how old the child will be by the time his father has saved the extra money.
If it takes say 5 years, there a good chance the at he won’t even be staying at the house as often as he does now. Meanwhile rents and house prices are increasing. What the point in delaying things for everyone??

Clutterbugsmum · 09/02/2021 09:19

I think you need to find why he wants Dss to have a room of his own for 2/3 nights a month.

How he is going to save for the additional bedroom.

And make it clear that any inheritance you receive will not be used to buy this house and see what he says.

But for me personally I keep the status quo, and stay as you are now with you own homes.

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 09/02/2021 09:38

Thanks for everyone's advice, it's much appreciated.

As to why DP is insisting DSS has his own room for a few nights a month? I don't really know, his only explanation is that it's much fairer on him if he has his own space. Ok, fine, but the cost of that room should not be coming from my (and my DC's) inheritance! If I say that to him I think it'll come across like I don't care about DSS which is not true at all.

He's always very keen to make sure DSS doesn't get left out of anything (which is correct), but I do have worries that he'll get put above my DC if we all live together. There seems to be an air of 'hard done by' with my DSS which actually is the opposite of what happens - he gets pretty much everything he wants whereas I'm a little stricter with mine (I'm a stickler for manners and routine, rightly or wrongly!).

It's all giving me a headache to be honest!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2021 09:44

If he's a Disney Dad to his son then all the more reason not to move in with him, it's not a very attractive option living with someone who will give their son special treatment, constantly complain they are being left out, and react defensively if you say you don't want to spend your inheritance on him.

Time for some home truths, I think.

nimbuscloud · 09/02/2021 09:45

For gods sake keep living separately.
Do not inflict this situation on your children.

Bollss · 09/02/2021 09:53

I wouldn't move in with him. Buy your own house for you and your kids. If he wants to stay over then fine but do not buy a house with him!

Bythemillpond · 09/02/2021 10:06

So he wants you to pay £15,000 of your inheritance to pay for his child to have their own room for 3-4 weeks per year.

Also I don’t get where the “we shall have to save more” type comment comes from in order that you will be able to buy a 4 bed house.
You have the money it is him who needs to save more.

An alternative for him is you jointly buy a 3 bed house now with equal deposits from each of you then on the 2/3 nights per month his son comes to stay he pays for a 4 bed Airbnb that you all move into so his son can have his own room.
No way would I be putting in more money into a house than the other person

Thedramasummer · 09/02/2021 10:08

I imagine if you did end up getting a 4 bed he would try and insist one of your kids took the smallest room

Bythemillpond · 09/02/2021 10:08

But your own place even if it is 2 bedrooms snd you have a bed settee. I don’t think you should wait around for someone who’s ideas and wants need to be paid for by done one else
If he wants you to be a family then he needs to stop putting blocks in the way.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/02/2021 10:22

Read Sassbot's thread "life after SP". You think this man you love would never steal from you or from your children. Oh how wonderful he wants what's best for his children. There is a type who have no qualms about stealing from single mother's and shunting their children's needs to bottom of the list, manipulating you for spending any time or money on your DC because it's so unfair on his DC. It really sounds like you've got one of those. Protect your time, money, energy and children. Look at his actions not his words. His words"my son needs his own bedroom to feel part of the family" but what he really means"I'm playing the long game to take your money and in the meantime my dc will be front and centre of all your decisions because my dc are a useful device to manipulate you".

DinoHat · 09/02/2021 10:30

He's always very keen to make sure DSS doesn't get left out of anything
This often translates to putting one child on a pedastool.

I would seriously consider renting and seeing how the dynamics of everyone living together work. I suspect this will be on of many issues.

Leaninghouse · 09/02/2021 10:31

I know you are putting more money in OP but from his view you want to buy a 3bed house which 1 and a half bedrooms are yours full time and the other is yours 26 nights out of 30, it has to be fair for both of you

nimbuscloud · 09/02/2021 10:48

I would seriously consider renting and seeing how the dynamics of everyone living together work. I suspect this will be on of many issues.

I wouldn’t. I would do everything in my power to prevent any fallout or harm for my children that was a result of my choice of partner.

MotherofTerriers · 09/02/2021 11:01

OP, please read posts on the stepparent board and think very very carefully before you buy anything with this man
If you have different parenting styles it could be awful and very unfair on your children.
Buy somewhere for you and your children
If you really want to live full time with this man, rent for at least a year first to make sure everyone gets on.
His son is only with you a few days a month now, that could change in future.

AuntyFungal · 09/02/2021 11:04

No man is worth your peace of mind and the welfare of your children.

FinallyHere · 09/02/2021 11:13

he gets pretty much everything he wants whereas I'm a little stricter with mine

Another argument in favour of not blending households.

Santaiscovidfree · 09/02/2021 11:14

Very recently a post was here of a woman and her bf. He had his dc every infrequently until he moved into her big house. Then his dc appeared eow. The op actually moved out for a while until he buggared off back to his semi derilect abode!!

PerveenMistry · 09/02/2021 11:18

"Please put your life and children first and don't be a mug for a man. I can't fathom why you're even listening to a man who wants more, doesn't have the means to pay for it so his "solution" is to whinge to a woman about it. "

This bears repeating.

DinoHat · 09/02/2021 11:36

@nimbuscloud

I would seriously consider renting and seeing how the dynamics of everyone living together work. I suspect this will be on of many issues.

I wouldn’t. I would do everything in my power to prevent any fallout or harm for my children that was a result of my choice of partner.

Moving out of a rental is easier to undo than a joint purchase.
Bibidy · 09/02/2021 11:43

@tiredandaccidentprone

Thanks for everyone's advice, it's much appreciated.

As to why DP is insisting DSS has his own room for a few nights a month? I don't really know, his only explanation is that it's much fairer on him if he has his own space. Ok, fine, but the cost of that room should not be coming from my (and my DC's) inheritance! If I say that to him I think it'll come across like I don't care about DSS which is not true at all.

He's always very keen to make sure DSS doesn't get left out of anything (which is correct), but I do have worries that he'll get put above my DC if we all live together. There seems to be an air of 'hard done by' with my DSS which actually is the opposite of what happens - he gets pretty much everything he wants whereas I'm a little stricter with mine (I'm a stickler for manners and routine, rightly or wrongly!).

It's all giving me a headache to be honest!

I mean, theoretically I understand why he'd prefer his son to have his own room. Obviously it's preferable for all kids to have their own rooms, but it's it's not affordable then it's not affordable.

It's not like you've singled out his son to be the one without his own room, he just happens to be the same sex as one of the other children so it's worked out that way. You are equally saying your own son won't have his own room, you're not playing favourites.

I personally would just drop the plan and when he brings it up just say you don't know what the solution is as you can't afford a 4-bed so looks like you will all be staying put for the foreseeable. Then it's up to your DP if he wants to be reasonable and let his son share, or save up the extra funds himself.

It's not like you even have a property in mind yet, it would be easy to make sure you're only looking at places with at least one good-size bedroom that could easily be divided in half, whether physically or with decorating.

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