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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
bigbird1969 · 09/02/2021 20:43

I wouldnt move in with him, your DD14 should have her own room. She will be menstruating and needs her own private space. Your DP expecting his DS to be a priority in your shared home which it sounds you will be paying for is a red flag for me. He thinks its perfectly acceptable for a 14yr old girl to share with her brother whilst his son gets his own room. Sorry he would be told to do one. Keep your inheritance and spend it on your DC

toolazytothinkofausername · 09/02/2021 20:48

@wizzbangfizz

You would be mad to do this, keep Things separate.
I agree.
renallychallenged · 09/02/2021 21:12

@tiredandaccidentprone

Inheritance aside, I would currently be putting in more cash in to a deposit than he would (not loads more, but enough for there to be a difference).
Please just don't do it.

Look after your kids. Put them first. Don't spend your money supporting a man and his Disney parenting. Your kids need you to make wise and sensible choices.

renallychallenged · 09/02/2021 21:14

@tiredandaccidentprone

At her Dad's, my DD14 shares with her 8 year old step sister. They have bunk beds, but my DD does not even have her own drawer there. My DS8 shares with his 10 year old step brother but does have his own wardrobe etc. I have said we could make the third bedroom in to separate areas so they can choose their own decor etc but I've been told no.

I don't really want to go in to specific figures for fear of being outed, but the difference in deposit currently would be 10k from DP and 25k from me (for example).

This update makes the idea seem even more crazy.

Just give your kids a stable home. On their own, no newcomers. Don't make them share their whole life, you will regret it when they're teens. They deserve to be put first by one parent at least.

nimbuscloud · 09/02/2021 21:24

Just give your kids a stable home. On their own, no newcomers. Don't make them share their whole life, you will regret it when they're teens. They deserve to be put first by one parent at least.

This. A million times over.

candide47 · 09/02/2021 21:24

OP, I would cool your heels on this idea. I wouldn't move in with him to a jointly purchased home, as if he's being a nightmare over this issue, what will it be like on every little issue when you live together? How difficult would it be to untangle this if you have to - and you having sunk more cost into it, you'll be trapped! Can you afford to go it alone?

namechange5575 · 09/02/2021 21:46

You know him talking about 'being a real family' is emotional blackmail, right? With the air of being hard done by, I'd suggest that he is envious that you have more money than him, and thinks that it isn't really fair. Perhaps he thinks that the money is for everyone 'in the family': you, him, all three children. Everyone should benefit from it fairly: after all, you are 'a family'. He feels entitled to it. If you loved him, and loved DSS, you'd want it shared so no one felt second class within 'the family', right? That wouldn't be fair, would it?

Be very very careful about his (perhaps unconscious) expectations; don't sell out your kids inheritances and peaceful family home to his entitlement and pressure. He does not have your best interests at heart. I wouldn't move in with him.

Charliecatpaws · 09/02/2021 22:22

Tell DP that when he’s saved a big enough deposit to fund a 4 bed house then you’ll buy one

AliceMcK · 09/02/2021 22:40

So 2 young boys with a 2 year age gap are not able to share a room for 4 nights a month..... your DP needs to pull his head in. He’s making a big deal out of nothing. My DBs, 8 year age gap shared a room until my older DB was 21. My friends 2 boys, now 20 & 18 shared a room up until a year ago when they moved the older boy into the front room

I’d say he’s making excuses. Dose he really want this relationship, if so he wouldn’t be putting up barriers to stop you all moving in as a family.

CaptainCarp · 09/02/2021 22:57

OP from your updates it sounds like you'd be heading for blended family hell if you move in together. I get the feeling it would progress to you not being "allowed" to do things / go places with your children because DSS would love to do that. So constantly being asked to wait for his weekend.

I think you have the right idea about staying seperate until your children are grown up.

DP & I brought a 3 bed as he has a DC even though we don't have children. DSC has been given the small bedroom and the 2nd bedroom is a spare. This was so if we have 2 DC then DSC is not pushed out of their room. Our DC would be able to share even if they are different sex as by the time it would be becoming problematic DSC will be almost 18 & we can have a conversation with them or we will work on extending / converting the loft. (Timescales are if I literally got pregnant now)

I think blending 2 sets of children is much harder especially if they have got used to routines / their own bedrooms etc.

Whythesadface · 09/02/2021 23:26

Have you had the money chat yet?
About who pays what, combined accounts.
What Bills you each have ?
Ask because it is important.
Will be expect to pay less than half becasue your side is 3 people and only poor him.

Tiredoftattler · 09/02/2021 23:28

No one has yet answered the question of "why would it be reasonable for a single parent of 1 child to invest in the purchase of a home in which he could not provide a bedroom for his 1 and only child?

I do not see this as OP's partner trying to take financial advantage of her. He does not need a 4 bedroom home. His needs will be met with the purchase of a 2 bedroom home. OP 's needs can only be met with a 3 bedroom home.

Her partner would be foolish to make a financial investment in a home that would not provide a room for both himself and his child. A home purchase is a serious investment and the ramifications of such a purchase should be carefully thought through.

This purchase has negative implications for both OP and her partner. There seems to be no real upside for either of them.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2021 23:47

Just go with the broken record approach

Oooh I wish we could live together ass proper family
We can, if the boys share
But Ds share a room, he's too special
Then we'll have to wait
But o want you to cook my tea every night
We can, if the boys share
But you know my D's should have everything I ever think he deserves
Then we'll have to wait

And repeat. Don't get drawn into it, and don't mention your inheritance. When it comes out it away as planned. Tell him when it's done.

Bythemillpond · 10/02/2021 00:12

I do not see this as OP's partner trying to take financial advantage of her. He does not need a 4 bedroom home. His needs will be met with the purchase of a 2 bedroom home. OP 's needs can only be met with a 3 bedroom home

He might not need a 4 bed house but he wants a 4 bed house.
If the money isn’t there for a 4 bed then it will have to be a 3 bed otherwise they don’t live under the same roof
Why would you stretch yourself and wait longer to buy a house where one of the rooms is empty for over 11months of the year and the boy in question is more than happy to share with his step brother on the couple of days per month that they are both in the house together.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2021 00:20

Why would you stretch yourself and wait longer to buy a house where one of the rooms is empty for over 11months of the year and that's before they get to the arguement over having a house with a box room / who goes in it / how DSS needs a room of comparable size

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 10/02/2021 00:39

It doesn’t sound like you are remotely ready to buy a house together, you have no idea whether this relationship will last at this point so why are you considering adding in legal (and financial) complexity?

I actually agree with his fundamental position—not that he is pressuring you to pay for it, but the principle that he wants his child to be a full member of the house, to have his own space, to want to spend more time there and to know that he is a priority to his dad. Even if sharing a room was fine now, you are buying so it might not be that way in 5 years. If I were him, I would not take that risk.

It also does make sense for you to be paying for more of the house—from his perspective you are getting 2.5 bedrooms and he is getting .5. You’d also need the same size of house regardless of him being there. So him needing 1.5 bedrooms is not crazy or unreasonable, he just needs to sort out the financials to be able to do it. If I were him there is 0% chance I would buy under the current arrangement.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 10/02/2021 00:41

He’s being a total tool about the money. But from his perspective, choosing to move in with you now would have a negative affect on his relationship with his son. Which is why he absolutely should not buy with you. And separately, you should not buy with him due to the fact that you should be giving as much stability as possible

PerveenMistry · 10/02/2021 01:39

@nimbuscloud

Just give your kids a stable home. On their own, no newcomers. Don't make them share their whole life, you will regret it when they're teens. They deserve to be put first by one parent at least.

This. A million times over.

Another million likes.

Time for your love life when they're grown.

SionnachGlic · 10/02/2021 02:59

Don't be pressured OP. It does sound rather like all this whinging & moaning from him is to grind you down. As pp said, get a declaration of trust protecting your contribution in the form of a % so that is the return you get if you ever sell on/split up. You need to think about registering ownership tenants in common rather than joint tenants so your kids can inherit your share should something happen to you.

It sounds like the insistence from your DP for DSS room is unreasonable really where DSS is happy to share & possibly only for 2/3 nights a month. Be clear the inheritance is being used in the way you have already decided & mention your respective shares being recorded.... he might change his tune then. Do not appease him with your inheritance...

Sally2791 · 10/02/2021 03:12

Do what you want with your money, it’s for you and your dc.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 10/02/2021 03:26

If you don't keep that inheritance safe for your kids you might regret it one day. If dp wants an extra room for his son, he needs to provide the extra money to fund that. Why moan at you about it? It's his son so he should cough up the difference. If he can't do that, stick with what's affordable without the inheritance. Me personally I wouldn't be renting if I could afford to buy a home for my kids and neither would I delay my purchase for the sake of dss x3 per month bedroom

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 07:40

OPs partner is not a single parent.

He is a Co-Parent with another woman to a son who mainly lives in another home.

NewSong · 10/02/2021 10:15

I agree with others, I don't think it is a good idea for you to buy with your partner just now, never mind a 4 bedroom. Your daughter will be leaving school in the next few years, she might go to college/ university or training, you could use some money towards that if you wanted.
Agree that if he wants a 4 bedroom, he should be able to afford it and provide the funds.
Talking about kids sharing, I had to share a bedroom with 2 sisters, a large age gap between myself and the youngest (13 years). Although we weren't step sisters if that makes a difference. I was just expected to get on with it.

RedMarauder · 10/02/2021 10:19

@AliceMcK someone will be along shortly to point out and argue that because they were full-siblings it is OK.

I know plenty of full, half, step and cousins who share or shared rooms in real life.

Snowymcsnowsony · 10/02/2021 10:38

3 bed with a garage. He can pay for the garage conversion... We did this for my own dc. No issues. They were happy.

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