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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 10/02/2021 10:41

For those of you who asked, currently DS has his own room at DP's house (it's a 2 bed). I also have a 2 bed, my DC shared a room up until DD was 10. I felt she needed privacy, so I bought a sofa bed and that's where I now sleep (so I don't actually have my own bedroom). I couldn't of expected DD to carry on sharing with DS when she started puberty!

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 10/02/2021 10:42

Sorry I meant DSS has his own room at DP's house (not DS).

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 10/02/2021 11:13

so you dont even have your own room

definitely dont move in with this man-just smacks of getting a house with your money

RandomMess · 10/02/2021 12:24

Honestly just don't move in together his DS will always come first above both of yours combined together!!

Just enjoy the relationship for how it is now. He can take it or leave it.

If you bought together after your DD moved out it would be his DS needing the biggest or best bedroom and so on...

WitchesGlove · 10/02/2021 12:39

Children of any age can share......many poorer people have absolutely no choice.

WitchesGlove · 10/02/2021 12:40

Couldn’t you just get a room divider?

RedMarauder · 10/02/2021 12:42

@tiredandaccidentprone

For those of you who asked, currently DS has his own room at DP's house (it's a 2 bed). I also have a 2 bed, my DC shared a room up until DD was 10. I felt she needed privacy, so I bought a sofa bed and that's where I now sleep (so I don't actually have my own bedroom). I couldn't of expected DD to carry on sharing with DS when she started puberty!
What does your partner do with the room when his son isn't there?
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 10/02/2021 12:51

@RedMarauder Fills it up with new toys!

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 10/02/2021 13:09

So the room is a shrine to his son.

Bibidy · 10/02/2021 13:19

@WitchesGlove

Couldn’t you just get a room divider?
Well yeah probably....but OP's DP won't let her!
RandomMess · 10/02/2021 13:25

I think you just need to tell him

"I don't think we can live together as a family our parenting values are too different and it would just create unnecessary conflict, perhaps when all children have left home we can"

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 14:06

I'm inclined to agree with RandomMess.

Look into putting the extra money you have aside into Child Trust Funds and ISAs. Also child pensions.

Tiredoftattler · 10/02/2021 14:36

@RandomMess
How are there differences in values. Both OP and her partner want the best bang for their buck. Without receiving an inheritance, the partner has been able to afford to provide a bedroom for his only child and to come up with his share of the down payment. The OP has only been able to afford a 2 provide a bedroom for each of her children by forgoing a bedroom for herself and is reliant upon an inheritance to come up with her share of the down payment.

If the partner were to purchase a 2 bedroom home which is all that he really needs, it would seem that his current resources would be adequate to meet his needs. The need for extra space exist because the OP is bringing 20% more occupants than her partner.
Many people keep suggesting that the partner is trying to take financial advantage of the OP , but it on the surface it would appear that but for a chance inheritance the partner has been in both a better financial and living situation than the OP.

What sensible person with 1 child would make as substantive purchase of a home without insuring that there was a bedroom for that child? Why would it make sense for the OP to purchase a home that only gives his child .5 percent of a bedroom? How does that make him a manipulator or a user?

The OP is bringing 60% of the occupants vs 40% by the partner. It just makes sense that her portion of both the down payment and monthly payments should be greater.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 10/02/2021 14:48

I agree with @Tiredoftattler

WineInTheWillows · 10/02/2021 14:50

Good point @Tiredoftattler. I hadn't looked at it that way, but you're right. It would be weird of him to buy a house in which his son has no bedroom.

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 15:09

His son does have his own bedroom. Two in fact.

At the homes he spends 90% of his time.

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 15:10

90%+

Bibidy · 10/02/2021 15:21

@WineInTheWillows

Good point *@Tiredoftattler*. I hadn't looked at it that way, but you're right. It would be weird of him to buy a house in which his son has no bedroom.
I do agree to a point, but it's the DP that is pushing for the move to happen asap. If it was OP pushing him to move then I'd understand a bit more.

Also I guess it depends whether he'd be happier owning a smaller share of the property than OP if she puts more in. Not to mention it's not just about who puts in what for the deposit - could they afford their portions of the monthly repayments?

Judging by what OP has written about her own current living situation, I am guessing she's not mega well off and might not be in a position - despite her inheritance - to pay the greater chunk of the monthly repayment for the more expensive property. In her shoes, I wouldn't be too pleased to be paying 70% (or whatever) of a mortgage which has been hiked up by the need for an extra room which is in use for not even 1 week per month.

That said though, obviously they both are within their rights to stand firm based on the needs of their own families, so I don't think DP is 'wrong' to say he wants a room for his son. I just think he's wrong to say that is a deal-breaker but then continue pressuring OP into getting a house which she has already stated is not affordable for her.

Youseethethingis · 10/02/2021 15:22

The OP is bringing 60% of the occupants vs 40% by the partner. It just makes sense that her portion of both the down payment and monthly payments should be greater
The academic question is “how much greater”, given that one of the children is hardly there, is perfectly happy to share a few nights a month, and they can’t afford any more anyway?
Then of course the next question. Inheritance.
Will it be acceptable for the OPs greater share of ownership of the property to be reflected when it comes to their wills?

Tiredoftattler · 10/02/2021 15:31

@PurpleHoodie
From an investment point of view it does not matter if the son spends 5 minutes or 5 days, the expected return on the investment remains the same for the OPs partner. He is making a substantial financial investment and if he were making a solo purchase, he would still likely want to purchase a home that provided a bedroom for his son regardless of the amount of time that he spent in the home. The amount of time spent by the son does not modify or negate the fact that the OP is bringing 60% of the occupants vs the partners 40%. It also means a down sizing for the partner's son in both space and privacy. Generally the purchase of a house signals an upgrade. The purchase of the 3 bedroom provides no upgrades for anyone but the OP. She gets to move from her living room into a bedroom. The partner has a bedroom already and his son actually loses space.

Living apart and purchasing individual properties seems by far to be the better solution for both parties.

austenwildfell · 10/02/2021 15:37

In our family the inheritances we have received have been from 'family' assets which built up by two generations and managed well. As such it has always been accepted and understood that it was done for the next generation.
Inheritance was not chance or random.

Here this OP seems to want to do the best for her next generation by investing for her DCs . Quite rightly so.
Had they been married and then she inherited the question would be very different.

Both adults currently have few obligations or commitments to each other, therefor she should go ahead and make the future as secure as she can for her next generation.

If at a later date they do have mutual responsibilities then she can do whatever she can.

Snowymcsnowsony · 10/02/2021 15:49

Op's dd could leave him on 4/5 years. Do they then downsize? Many scenarios... But her dp's attitude here is very telling of his expectations full stop.. Imo.

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 16:04

Yes Snowy.

PurpleHoodie · 10/02/2021 16:07

Yes austen.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/02/2021 16:07

Op, slightly off track from your original post, but here goes. You are currently renting a 2 bed, but from what you said have saved a fair amount for a house deposit. You also have a reasonable inheritance coming.
If you cannot afford to buy a 3bd on your own, would it be worth buying your own 2 bed? Space wise you would be no worse off & you would be paying off your own mortgage rather than your rent paying off someone else's.

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