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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Bibidy · 09/02/2021 11:53

Btw just to add, I think it's OK for your DP to not want to go forward with the plan to move in if he thinks it will be detrimental to his son - like if his son currently has his own room and he knows he'll not want to come anymore if he will have to share in future.

BUT that doesn't seem to be what he's saying, he still does want to push ahead but with you financing a bigger house. That's not reasonable at all.

nimbuscloud · 09/02/2021 12:04

Moving out of a rental is easier to undo than a joint purchase.

The emotional harm to children of having to move in and out of their parent’s relationships is not easy to undo.
At this stage that is what the op needs to focus on.

Santaiscovidfree · 09/02/2021 12:15

Have you discussed other dc issues? Is he going to want ds's having other special treatments? My exh's dd was never expected to sit at the table for example.. She was in between my 2 dd's age wise but was allowed to do her own thing all the time.. Very unfair for my dd's to witness. Could be similar for your ds op...

morninglive · 09/02/2021 12:30

Either way ring fence your deposit and or inheritance, even if you decide to marry

SandyY2K · 09/02/2021 12:44

As to why DP is insisting DSS has his own room for a few nights a month? I don't really know, his only explanation is that it's much fairer on him if he has his own space.

His reason is fine. That's not the issue. From his child's POV, it would seem like he's getting less by sharing a room, which will predominantly your sons, as it's his full time residence.

Ok, fine, but the cost of that room should not be coming from my (and my DC's) inheritance!

This is the problem. That he expects you to pay for it.

If I say that to him I think it'll come across like I don't care about DSS which is not true at all.

I guess I've never had a BF/DP that I wasn't living with before, as I wouldn't even see that I need to discuss my inheritance, much less what I'm spending it on with him. Quite frankly, that money is none of his business.

If he does ask you directly about the money...tell him you have plans to invest it for your DC. That doesn't mean you don't care about his child. If he interprets it as such, that's his problem.

It's about how you phrase it. You say something like you.

Something else just came to mind actually...with such different parenting styles, sharing a room would be worse. An example....Imagine you telling your DS it's time for bed or he needs to turn his xbox or whatever off...and he says his DC can stay up as late as he wants. He can do what he wants. They'll be in the same space, but have different rules.

Your DS will think it's unfair and that you're a baddie as stepbrother can do what he likes. This will cause damage to your relationship with your DS....potentially leading him to start acting up as he gets older.

He won't see you as the better parent...something to think about.

NettleTea · 09/02/2021 13:15

He's always very keen to make sure DSS doesn't get left out of anything

and yet all that 'not being left out of anything' is happening on only 4-6 nights a month. So your children are due to be restricted in their lives, and nice things that you, on a whim, might wish to do for them, because his DSS will be missing out.

as an aside, does he always bring his DSS to you when he has him, so that all parenting by default has become something you both do? Does he have a room of his own at his dad's?

does he contribute/how often is he staying with you. Does he do his fair share of general houswork if he is there a substantial amount of time, or has he view it that he is a guest and expects to be treated, apart from when it comes to his benefit, such as dropping his clothes into the washing basket? You need to have a good look at what, without asking, he is bringing to the table right now as this is going to be a clue as to what he will bring to a larger extent if you live together

What does he say about your different parenting - because really you need to be on the same page there.

In addition, this need to have his own room for his son, when his son lives mainly at his mums, and no doubt has a room there needs to be balanced with what your children have. Ie own room at their main residence and sleep on pull outs/sofa at their dad. If he wants all the kids to be equal, then it needs to be equal to your children too. Yes he would LIKE to be able to have the luxury of a spare room (and I bet he would have an issue of his kids room being the 'spare room' for guests too) but its not only financially difficult, but equally its not fair on your children either.

How would he view the bills? Its going to be tricky. Im guessing he will think you might need to pay more because so many of you? I can see a whole big mess of a problem coming up, because he seems like he might be a bit tight.

TheyIsMyFamily · 09/02/2021 13:26

Your updates are telling.

Buy a 3 bedroom house on your own. Continue to live separately. Don't spend your inheritance buying something bigger and nicer because he wants more for himself and his son. He will be a nightmare, especially if he is a disney dad which he is sounding like.

pictish · 09/02/2021 14:12

Sounds like a recipe for blended family hell imo.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2021 14:15

So your children are due to be restricted in their lives, and nice things that you, on a whim, might wish to do for them, because his DSS will be missing out.

They'll only be restricted if the OP allows it to happen.

cordelia16 · 09/02/2021 14:41

@nimbuscloud

Moving out of a rental is easier to undo than a joint purchase.

The emotional harm to children of having to move in and out of their parent’s relationships is not easy to undo.
At this stage that is what the op needs to focus on.

Definitely agree with this. My family and I moved 5 times in the past 12 years (sometimes just between rentals, once overseas and then back). Each move was extremely stressful on all 3 children, who were obvs at varying ages - the last and final move was to settle my eldest ahead of sixth form. But we at least were one family unit, and yet we agonized over each move to see how they would be affected.

In my opinion, ppl suggesting OP and partner should just rent together for a year first are not thinking properly about the children involved (any of them). They're not preschoolers who lead simpler lives. They're all coming up on important academic points. Two moves in two years would be disruptful - especially coupled with the changing dynamics of who would actually be living in the house.

If the rented/living together arrangement works well, then they'll be moving to a new (owned) house after the year. But even if OP and DP part ways after the year, OP would still have to move to a different (likely smaller) property. So, again, two moves in as many years.

I have no solution to offer OP - just wanted to advocate for the children as their lives are the ones that will be unduly disrupted.

GabsAlot · 09/02/2021 15:21

so hes being a disney dad then giving his son everything he wants to look good

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/02/2021 15:28

I would stay in separate homes or dump him. My kids will always come first.

Bibidy · 09/02/2021 17:23

@GabsAlot

so hes being a disney dad then giving his son everything he wants to look good
In fairness to him, he's just trying to secure the best for his own child and he's probably conscious that his son might not want to spend as much time with him if he doesn't have his own room (assuming he has his own bedroom with his dad now).

And that would be fine if he was planning to finance the difference to get a bigger property himself.

Playing devil's advocate - maybe his mindset is that that as it's OP that has two children and he only has one that OP should be paying more towards the property? He may consider that it's actually OP's two children which mean they need 4 bedrooms, rather than his son?

I completely disagree with his attitude though, it's crazy to spend £££ extra for a room that will be used on 6 nights per month throughout most of the year. There are plenty of ways to make him feel at home and to separate a joint bedroom into private space using furniture and decorating.

I think if OP is willing for her child to share then it is totally on her OH to put in the extra deposit.

Mumski45 · 09/02/2021 17:42

I have no experience of step children myself but have read a few threads recently about 'Disney dads' treating their own kids with kid gloves and letting them have everything they want just to make sure they don't refuse contact. Your OH seems to be showing early signs of this type of attitude. I would be wary of moving in together if you have different parenting styles irrespective of the no of bedrooms you manage to get in a new house. Just the fact that he is insisting on his son having his own room at your expense would be a red flag for me.

Snowymcsnowsony · 09/02/2021 17:48

Anyone wonder what the dss actually wants?
My dsd chose to share with my toddler ds!! Said my dd's kept her awake!!.
Her dm wasn't happy she shared with a boy!! Too bad!!

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 09/02/2021 17:50

DSS has said he doesn't mind sharing with my DS. It's DP who is refusing to let that happen!

OP posts:
Snowymcsnowsony · 09/02/2021 18:08

So your dp is stalling for some reason. Could it be simply he hasn't /can't save the amount he said he has? Debts maybe? Unless he just wants to brag to his ex how well he can provide for dss..

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 09/02/2021 18:16

@Snowymcsnowsony No it really is as simple as DP doesn't think it would be fair if DSS doesn't have his own room!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2021 18:20

*Playing devil's advocate - maybe his mindset is that that as it's OP that has two children and he only has one that OP should be paying more towards the property? He may consider that it's actually OP's two children which mean they need 4 bedrooms, rather than his son?

I completely disagree with his attitude though, it's crazy to spend £££ extra for a room that will be used on 6 nights per month throughout most of the year. There are plenty of ways to make him feel at home and to separate a joint bedroom into private space using furniture and decorating.*

I agree that this is probably what he thinks, but he has no leg to stand on when you consider that OP is happy for hers to share so is not insisting her kids have a room each whilst his doesn't.

I think he is looking at it emotively when in reality, if there isn't the budget for a 4 bed house then it's a practical no brainer, kids have to share if that is all the parents can afford.

NoSquirrels · 09/02/2021 18:30

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@Snowymcsnowsony No it really is as simple as DP doesn't think it would be fair if DSS doesn't have his own room! [/quote]
Then the next time it comes up I’d say

DP, we’ve been through this already. We can’t afford a 4-bed. We can afford a 3-bed abd the 2 boys are both happy to share. You’re the only one making a roadblock to us moving in together so let’s stop discussing it until you’ve come up with a solution.

Hairyfairy01 · 09/02/2021 19:17

@tiredandaccidentprone

At her Dad's, my DD14 shares with her 8 year old step sister. They have bunk beds, but my DD does not even have her own drawer there. My DS8 shares with his 10 year old step brother but does have his own wardrobe etc. I have said we could make the third bedroom in to separate areas so they can choose their own decor etc but I've been told no.

I don't really want to go in to specific figures for fear of being outed, but the difference in deposit currently would be 10k from DP and 25k from me (for example).

Am I misreading this? So are you putting in over twice of what your dp is putting in as a deposit?
BIWI · 09/02/2021 19:33

Have you discussed your respective roles in the house and what they will be when you 'become a family'? Sounds to me like you're not only there to provide money, but that he's looking for a housewife/maid/cook.

I think it would be madness to move in together right now.

wizzbangfizz · 09/02/2021 19:49

You would be mad to do this, keep
Things separate.

PurpleHoodie · 09/02/2021 20:03

BIWI

Have you discussed your respective roles in the house and what they will be when you 'become a family'? Sounds to me like you're not only there to provide money, but that he's looking for a housewife/maid/cook.

I think it would be madness to move in together right now.

Oh this so much.

Put the share of money you originally meant to put aside for your children into Child ISAs/Trust funds.

Buy yourself what you can afford by yourself for housing (or get a contract drawn up that reflects your shares in a house if you go ahead and buy together) But I do not recommend buying with this particular man.

GabsAlot · 09/02/2021 20:36

op is already putting more money in as it is she shouldnt have to pay even more because he insists on another room

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